WWE NXT RANT
May 17, 2011
Hey guys, Malcolm Not in the Middle here. Due to the surprising popularity of the NXT awards from last week, I created some more for this week. Next show I will be announcing the winners of said show. Once again, please vote for your favorites at my feedback info at the bottom, and if you haven't voted on last week's nominees, its not too late.
Anyway, let's kick off the show already! There's an elimination tonight; a long fucking overdue one at that! I can hardly wait! Officially this means the show is 1/5 over!
The show starts with Darren Young walking out with a key around his neck coming out to generic NXT music. I have to give NXT credit for not starting with that default opening for once. Darren reveals in the most anticlimactic moment of NXT thus far, that he was the one who kidnapped Hornswoggle And because this is an angle involving Hornswoggle, we have to include a story a five year old can get. Darren is wearing a keychain with a big freaking key around it. He tells Titus if he wants it, to come get it.
This is followed by of course Titus O'Neil and he is angry. And of course he is! Every moment spent not standing next to Hornswoggle is costing him votes. He gets to the ring, but a ref holds him back… you can't be fucking serious… Young vs. O'Neil again?
BEST OF INFINITY SERIES: DARREN YOUNG VS TITUS O'NEIL
I dunno what to say. I cannot believe they are doing this match again. Vince must be in love with these two, and jerk off to them. I'm not so much angry as I am stupefied at this point. However, as I said last week: Fuck. This. Match.
Regal is really starting to get annoying on commentary. He's still going off on Darren Young for not listening to his Pro. You remember? Chavo Guerrero, who's gone out of his way to make sure Darren gets embarrassed by a dwarf? Clearly that's a guy Darren should be listening to.
So this shitfest goes on till the titantron lights up, and on it its Chavo Guerrero yelling at a big blue box wrapped in chains. You hear the "ARGH ARGH ARGH!" from the steel box, so Swoggle is in there. Titus O'Neil wastes no time just grabbing the key and running backstage, as Chavo walks off camera to get something to help open the box. Titus runs in and saves Hornswoggle, picking him up like a newborn. Swoggle barely gets an "ARGH!" out and Titus gets "Huh? They were in on it together the whole time?" out that. Okay, now that is fucking stupid.
Just as I say that, WWE gives me something even dumber. Chavo blindsides and lays out Titus. He then grabs Swoggle by the scruff of his beard and leads him to ringside. He gently brings Titus into the ring to Darren Young, who ain't so gentle as he spikes him in the ground hard. He then holds down Chavo for a Frog Splash (Damn!) as Titus runs in to end the beatdown.
Gee, where to begin? How about with ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Chavo was in on it the entire time? This is right up there with Vince being the Higher fucking Power! So all those times he cost Darren matches, they were what? To give Hornswoggle a false sense of security? If Chavo really wanted to see Hornswoggle hurt, why'd he interfere in the match where Hornswoggle had to fight a fully capable Darren Young? This makes no sense! Its like the writers just remembered that Hornswoggle and Chavo had a year long feud, and that it makes absolutely no sense that they are friends. WTF?!
OFF TOPIC: BATTLE FOR THE BRONZE! (Best triple threat between the final three Contestants)
Wade Barrett vs. David Otunga vs. Justin Gabriel (Season 1)
Kaval vs. Alex Riley vs. Michael McGillicutty (Season 2)
Naomi vs. Kaitlyn vs. AJ (Season 3)
Brodus Clay vs. Derrick Bateman vs. Johnny Curtis (Season 4)
They show a replay of what just happened… as to why, I dunno. Not like anyone watches this show but me. I'm done. I hate these two. How do children like Hornswoggle?!
We get a recap of the Miz/Cena feud. Kudos to Miz, as most of the time I would pass off a John Cena "I Quit" match as academic. However, Miz's speech about "knowing a way to beat in an I Quit match" has me intrigued. Also, great job by Cena here, as he actually looked a bit scared as Miz said this. It really sold me as far as something interesting happened. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not getting the PPV… but hey, good effort.
Yoshi Tatsu has his business face as he walks in the back. He's out to prove why he's the worst Pro in the history of NXT as he's set to take on Byron Saxton on tonight's show. Wow, a lot of Rookies fighting their useless Pro's this season.
OFF TOPIC: Francis of the Year (WTF Moment of the year)
Daniel Bryan being one of the first to be eliminated (Season 1)
The brawls that begin and end Season 2
Michael Cole turns heel (Season 3)
Del Rio works like what? 3 NXTs? (Season 4)
BYRON SAXTON VS YOSHI TATSU
I learned a few things from this match. Number one, it doesn't matter how serious a face Yoshi Tatsu puts on, that fucking stupid theme music of his ruins everything. Come on WWE, the music was funny when he debuted, but now it's just sad. I mean, do they have any plans for this guy outside of being a stupid stereotype of Japan? No? Well fuck you then.
Also, thanks to this match I learned that the best way to settle an argument is to beat the shit out of the guy I'm arguing with. I really want to hear Yoshi's thought process as to why kicking the shit out of Byron is going to repair their relationship. And yes, I know Yoshi doesn't speak English, but still I have to know.
Bryon puts up an okay effort, but Yoshi pretty much destroys him. It's amazing that this show has gotten so bad; it's starting to make me hate the Pros now. It's also making me really hate Regal now, as his commentary is really getting stupid. For instance, his reasoning to explain why Yoshi has been a complete tool this season is thanks to the earthquake that hit Japan. Really? The earthquake in Japan has made him so despressed that he's hitting on a hot blond and ignore the guy he's supposed to be helping get into WWE? Really?
Anyway, cartwheel kick from the top and its over.
WINNER: Yoshi Tatsu
Regal then goes off on how Byron will hopefully learn from this, and that it's a Rookie's duty to support the Pro no matter what… I fucking hate this show. How does the concept of "A show that introduces new people into to the audience and makes them look like they could be something" get fucked up this hard? Its like the writers are trying to sabotage these guys by making them look stupid. The show is supposed to introduce the "Next Breakout Star" but all your doing is showing me guys who struggle against jobbers. WTF?!
OFF TOPIC: Best Surprise on NXT
That show CM Punk announced on NXT season 3
Daniel Bryan vs. Chris Jericho from the first NXT
The comedic gold of Daniel Bryan and Derrick Bateman
Percy Watson… at first
Striker is in the ring… to announce Maryse. She's pretty and all, but does she need to be formally introduced each time? Come on. They say its time to resolve some unfinished business. I thought this was a Lucky Cannon segue but she instead introduces JTG & Koslov and Koslov & Conor. Oh god… they're doing that stupid bet that they made about who has the more fly Rookie… dude, can we just agree they both lost? Novak fucking sucks, and Koslov obviously doesn't get the meaning of "fly." No? Yeah, didn't think so.
So they take turns showing off how awesome their Rookie is… and it's sad. Basically, Conor is now Koslov V2, and Novak is JTG V2… so basically they turned them into people we don't care about. These were also the same people who told the Rookies to be themselves…. Least I think, as I cannot understand a word they say.
So JTG and Novak… do a rap I guess? It's mainly Novak agreeing with whatever JTG says. So it's fairly lame, and is weirdly more of an advertisement for JTG than anything. I will say I still stand by my opinion that JTG could be the next Slick if they make him a manager.
Koslov and Conor are up next, and they do what Koslov does best: Make me ashamed to be a wrestling fan. In unison, they do the following sequence in tune to Koslov's music.
They proceed to Sambo hip throw each other HORRIBLY
Break boards with their heads… HORRIBLY
Striker and Maryse then make me hate them as they smugly talk about how they need a judge and ask who could they use… Why the WWE Universe, of course! FUCK! Conor and Koslov win cause the other guys are heels. I don't see this doing Conor any favors aside from proving he has no personality. Anyway, JTG is upset about this load of BS, and gets in Koslov ‘s face. Koslov responds by kicking JTG in the chest, and JTG gets out of there. He starts to get ready to fight, and we head to commercial.
OFF TOPIC: Best Heel
JTG VS KOSLOV
Why the hell is there a match between two Pros on a show that's supposed to push Rookies? This was no technical masterpiece, as anything to do with Koslov usually sucks ass… sadly, this match did not disappoint. Koslov hits the Rock Bottom Abortion for the win.
We go backstage for the dumbest moment of the night. Maryse is backstage on the phone, and Yoshi comes in with a shiteating grin on his face. He starts bragging to Maryse on how he just fucked over his own Rookie, and Maryse ignores him. She instead goes on about the purse Lucky got, and Yoshi gets a serious look on his face. He then says "Maryse, I think you care more about things than people. I am breaking up with you." And walks off… WHAT?! So you had Yoshi in love with Maryse for months, and he just gets over her inside 30 seconds? The writing is really this bad on this show?! This is a new low even for this show! Even Maryse is shocked about how bad the writing is as she questions the logic of Yoshi is, as she brings up they were never dating… thus proving that Yoshi is this generation's Eugene. Lucky comes to remind us he exists, and tells her he'll buy her a new shoes or something… wow, who knew McDonald's pays its employees so well?
OFF TOPIC: Best Face
FINALLY! Its elimination time! The Rookies are lined up, minus Titus who took Hornswoggle to a hospital, I guess. This show is finally starting to get close to being over! And its Jacob fucking Novak! I fucking called it!
Character Retrospective: Jacob Novak
BEGINNING: Was eliminated first from Season 4, and the legacy would continue here.
NOW: Best he could was to completely rip off JTG. It was something at least, as he was bland as fuck before this. However, he remained fucking boring throughout the show. He finisher was a freak boot to the head!
FUTURE: He'll be supersizing your fries in a few months. Seriously, get this guy out of a wrestling ring, and get him stocking shelves.
Novak is upset, but honestly, who gives a fuck?
END OF SHOW.
BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD": That an elimination finally took place.
AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE REESE AWARD": The writing was fucking terrible. First Chavo turning on Hornswoggle, and Yoshi dumping Maryse. WTF?
WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE FRANCIS AWARD": How does Koslov have a job?
Hey, did you know I have a Podcast? Yes, its true! "The Rundown Wrestling Review" Podcast is a show featuring me and my good buddy Adam as we review and talk about the major happening in wrestling! Like to be in on it? Of course ya do! Just contact me via twitter or either email address, and I'll add ya to the mailing list! Any comments or constructive criticism is appreciated!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).