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NXT Rant 3/30


May I gush for a moment? Dear God, was Wrestlemania GOOD. Three ****+ star matches on the card (Edge vs. Jericho, Punk vs. Mysterio, and of course, Michaels vs. Undertaker) and even the bad matches like Sheamus vs. Triple H were alright.


Now that I’ve got that out of my system, it’s time for THE SUPER SEXY AND AMAZING PRO’S POLL OF POLLING! The criteria for votes to determine ranking are wins and losses, quality of opponents, work ethic, and the “it” factor. Not that anyone believes an actual vote is taking place. Matt Striker introduces the rookies, who come to the ring one at a time, and the standings are revealed.


In eighth place, it’s Darren Young. In seventh, Michael Tarver. In sixth, Skip Sheffield. In fifth, David Otunga. In fourth, Heath Slater. In third, Justin Gabriel. In second Wade Barrett. And by process of elimination, that means number one is, oh yes, Daniel Brian.


Striker asks #8, Darren Young, what he thinks of his standing. Young mostly blames CM Punk for his continued failure, and says he will step his game up. Striker also asks Brian what he thinks, and Brian goes on to say he is the best wrestler of the bunch. He also says that just because he isn’t married to someone famous, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have what it takes. David Otunga, who is apparently married to some singer I’ve never heard of, takes exception. He tells Brian that he has so little personality, that talking to him is like, and this is a direct quote “eating mashed potatoes.”


Like the rest of the Caucasian community, Daniel Brian is befuddled by this one liner. As the race war escalates, Striker separates the two. He says in six weeks, there will be another pro’s poll, where the person in the #8 slot will be eliminated. For the next three weeks, someone will be eliminated each week. When we get down to the final four, a winner will be crowned. He also says that tonight, the eight rookies will be in a Battle Royale, with the winner guest hosting RAW next week.


Team RAW (Christian, Carlito, William Regal, and The Miz) vs. Team Smackdown (CM Punk, Matt Hardy, R-Truth, and Wade Barrett)



Chris Jericho is in a suit, and will be joining us on commentary. He says that because of that sick spear through the barricade at ‘Mania, he has Wade Barrett substituting for him.


I don’t feel like recapping this match in great detail, which is too bad because it was very, very good. The match is ful of such quick tags and fast-paced moves that I had trouble writing down what was happening. I honestly don’t think I can do this match justice, so I’ll just list some of my favorite parts.

  • William Regal falling to his knees and begging Punk to switch rookies with him.
  • Michael Cole claims 50 million (?) people watched Wrestlemania, and Jericho responds “Yes, but they didn’t watch it for you.”
  • Regal stiffs the FUCK out of R-Truth, following a great reverse DDT backbreaker from the Miz.
  • Christian hits about half a dozen high spots in about a minute.
  • William Regal flattens Matt Hardy with a fantastic Exploder Suplex.
  • For the finish, Wade Barrett charges Christian while everyone else is laid out on the floor. Christian hits a reverse DDT, and sets up for the Killswitch.  Chris Jericho leaves the commentary table and distracts Christian and the ref, allowing Barrett to get up and hit his Fireman’s carry for the win.
Winners: Team Smackdown
Further Notes: Best match on NXT so far. They gave it plenty of time, and all eight guys worked their asses off. The match even served a purpose in making Wade Barrett look very strong. Also, Jericho was hysterical on commentary. Evidently sick of playing mister serious all the time, Jericho spent the whole match insulting Cole and Matthews while making quasi-homoerotic comments about Wade Barrett.

      We get a Shawn Michaels farewell video package, and a guy who is either the Sandman or a dead ringer for him was in the audience. It’s main event time.


Rookies Battle Royale, winner guest hosts RAW


Wade Barrett is the last to enter the ring, and the other seven rookies immediately throw him out. We then go to break.


During the break, Skip Sheffield and Darren Young were eliminated. Michael Tarver tries to dump Brian, but he hurricanranas Tarver out of the ring. Heath Slater charges at Brian and crossbodies both of them out of the ring.


Five minutes in, and we’re down to two guys. Otunga starts strong on Justin Gabriel, but Gabriel does the float-over and enziguiri. He then goes up and hits the 450 splash. Gabriel picks up Otunga and tries to dump him, but Otunga rakes the eyes and throws out Gabriel.



Winner: David Otunga


Further Notes: How in the hell do you mess up a battle royale? The answer is making it ridiculously short and unmemorable. They’re lucky the first match was so good.


Final Thoughts: Thumbs up for the great tag match. Thumbs down for the battle royale. However, I liked the tag match enough to give the show an overall thumbs up.


Show MVP: Christian. Many of the high spots in the tag match came from him, which is made even more impressive by the fact that he was in Money in the Bank two days prior.


Show LVP: All eight rookies, for that abortion of a battle royale


Quote of the Show: This one was a great exchange on commentary. Jericho taunted Josh by asking him if he would shoot on him. But the best part was:

      Jericho: [On Daniel Brian] Maybe all he needed was The Miz to push him and force him to be the best.

      Cole: Yeah, haven’t you heard of tough love?
      Jericho: Because I know for sure you’ve heard of Tough Enough.


That’s all for now. For comments and hate mail, email me at alexoblivion94@gmail.com

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).