Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


by Malcolm Not in the Middle

April 26, 2011

Hey guys, Malcolm Not in the Middle here. Fucking WWE, I'll admit they had me the other night. I was actually pretty stoked about the idea of both Cena and Orton going to Smackdown. I'll admit something; you see… I don't watch Smackdown at all. I blame it primarily on the fact its taped and I know what's going to happen, but I never watched it. My chief fear during the draft was that they send off someone I actually care about. Thankfully, the causalities were kept to one this time around. Good luck out there, Riley!

Though in the end, I can't blame WWE. Raw is the money show, and god forbid they take a chance like that. Though I actually liked the idea of a RAW where Miz would be the top guy, and the other midcarders building themselves into big names to compete. Hell, it could have been the perfect time for a Miz face turn… but no… WWE plays it safe, as always. Here's the thing I hate… its not that we got a swerve, that's happens a lot in wrestling (Yes, I said wrestling. It's called wrestling, god damn it!). What pisses me off is that they present this at the start of the show; and than proceeded to spend the next 2 hours telling us how big this was. I actually got pretty fucking excited about it. Just the idea of Super Cena being off my show was cool enough, but the mere thought of where Raw could go from here was awesome. And that's where I made my mistake: The story ideas that you come up with in your head for WWE will ALWAYS be better than what they come up with themselves. And they gave me two hours to come up ideas… only for the show to close with "Naw, just fucking with ya." Ya, Fuck you WWE.

Which brings to this week's Off Topic, where I will talk about some of my favorite draft picks. Still, WWE make this the first and last time you do a swerve with the Draft. As Burge said, it's pointless… and stupid.

We start with of course our default opening, with one notable exception. Darren Young is telling Chavo Guerrero to get the fuck away from him as they come down to the ring. This… makes perfect sense! Let's be honest, Chavo cost him the match against Hornswoggle, and Chavo has a pretty piss poor pro thus far. CONTINUITY!

We get a reminder of the standings were Titus O'Neil is leading with 13, and Darren Young is close with a score of 7. Everyone else; who fucking cares? The challenge this week is one my least favorite challenges in this competition.


This challenge sucks, and not because it's a bit of a chore to recap. The Pros are asked a series of questions, and write their questions down on a card. Rookies guess what they put down. Right answer gets the point… duh.

Here's the thing… This show has made it apparent that the Pro's really don't give a shit about their Rookies. The Pro's are all guys who are lucky to be on TV! They see this show as a chance for them, not their Rookies, to make a name for themselves. That my friends, is a shame. Well, lets see how this goes…

#1: What is the thing your Rookie does better than any other Rookie?

Saxton: Speaks better

Yoshi: Just wrestle

The fuck was that? Did Yoshi think he was being funny there? That wasn't even an accurate answer! Just because you speak broken English doesn't mean you're dumb. Even Saxton didn't know what the fuck to make of that answer.

Conor: Punish them

Koslov: Fire up

Again, what the fuck was that? Also, Koslov had this shit eating grin on his face like he just made the greatest joke ever told on a wrestling show. Hey Koslov, leave the comedy to Santino. Conor even tried to speak like Koslov on this one!

Young: Says he doesn't care about what Chavo thinks, and rips on him for last week. He states he can outwrestle and beat him.

Chavo: Wrestle

I give Chavo points for actually answering the question and complimenting his Rookie. Not much to complain about here as this furthered a story line, so good for them.

Novak – I make this look good.

JTG: Stay Flyy

Well, least it was correct, so I can say that about it. However, I hate these two. They're a constant reminder that in order to be entertaining means to be really stupid. God I'm gonna miss Punk when he leaves WWE.

Lucky: Goes on about the show is all about him… okay, can we just exclude Lucky from now on for these challenges?

Kidd: Best attire

Seriously, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result. Its so flipping annoying watching Striker and Maryse give Lucky the mic, and looking shocked when he runs his mouth. Just stop it…

Titus: Connect with the crowd

Hornswoggle: Bark

Fuck that midget. Bark? On a show that's supposed to be pushing new guys, its instances like this that prevents me from taking them seriously. Plus they missed the obvious joke of Titus guessing "Arrrrrrrrrgh! Heeehaha hehahaha". I would have laughed if that was correct, admittingly.

#2 If my Rookie doesn't become a wrestler, I recommend he becomes a __________

Saxton: News Reporter

Yoshi: Fire up

I officially hate Yoshi. Is he supposed to be a Japanese Eugene?

Young: Still doesn't care what Chavo thinks.

Chavo Trash man

Once again, this is a feud. So it's okay that Chavo says that Darren is more suited to picking up garbage. I will however get more into these two when we get to the matches.

Novak: No answer, because they both believe he will win NXT.

JTG: Hip Hop MC

Annnnnnnnnd I hate JTG even more now. An MC? That makes sense, I remember that one NXT when Novak scratched some mean beats? No? That's cause it never happened! I feel bad for Novak here. He still isn't my favorite, but THAT was the correct answer to this question. JTG however, wasn't smart enough to pick up on it.

Lucky: Asks Maryse how many times she threw up after kissing Yoshi

Kidd: Fashion Designer



Mercifully, this one is over. That was as painful as a challenge gets. Thankfully NXT only does one challenge a show now. We are threatened with Titus vs. Darren for the FOURTH FUCKING TIME on NXT…. Really?

OFF TOPIC: Orton goes to Smackdown, and good riddance! I know I call Cena invincible from time to time, but at least he tries to make us think he could lose (In fact, he's lost quite a bit recently) but Orton is fucking ridiculous. I honestly don't get why he bothers with a moveset…. I'm sorry, I think I already went off on the RKO. Anyway, I'm happy he's off Raw.


Seriously, Titus' undefeated streak would be a little more impressive if he wasn't beating one guy repeatedly! How impressive would Goldberg's streak would have been if he'd only beaten Glacier for 6 months?! Or if Tatanka only beat up Rick Martel?

How was the much? Pretty much like the last 3 matches! Pretty soon, I won't even review this matches as match as I do, since every episode has pretty much the same matches! Anyway, Young puts a figure four on Titus and goes to reach for Chavo for the cheat... only for Chavo to say no way. Darren releases the hold to bitch, and turns into the Clash of the Titus for another win for Titus.


Darren's pissed, and Regal tries to explain Chavo's actions as a way to teach him to stand on his own. Here's why that logic is retarded. Chavo is a Guerrero. You remember? The family who's big emphasis has been on cheating?! Why does he only now have an issue with cheating? Plus… the guy who he's been losing to? It's largely thanks to his Pro cheating for him! Is it really that unfair that Chavo helps him? It's called logic, people.

Speaking of best of Infinity series, Conor and Novak continue there's, as Novak & JTG join forces to face Koslov & Conor…. Kill me.

OFF TOPIC: Alex Riley to Smackdown! What the fuck? I loved Miz and Riley! Why did they have to break them up? Really it makes no sense. What's worse? Riley will get lost in the shuffle, and that's a damn shame. He's a great talent, who should be on par with Barrett. Time will tell, I reckon…


Before Conor and Koslov come to the ring, Novak grabs the mic to start more shit with Regal. To give you an idea how sad JTG is nowadays, his purpose in this promo is playing the role of "the bully's little pal" with Novak, who shouts encouragement inbetween Novak's sentences.

Thus goes on till Regal finally picks up a mic. In regards to Novak's statement of "You're all washed up" Regal responds by saying that maybe true, but he'll be damned if he lets an oxygen thief like him tell him. He takes off his coat to fight him right now. Novak responds by asking him 3x if he wants to fight tonight and he says no. Novak says he won't fight him now because he already has a match…. I… can't argue with that, that's a fair point. So he says he'll face him on his time… then JTG reminds him of his line, and he says he'll fight him next week. Regal does some great 4th wall breaking by going off on how he knew Novak was going to say that, and how he lost count how many times he said that to other wrestlers in his career.

The match begins… and it sure is a tag match.

OFF TOPIC: Sheamus to Smackdown. At this time, we have both mid-tier titles on Smackdown… could we see a title unification match coming soon? OR will Wade or Sheamus just job it to Kofi?

This match is pretty by the numbers, and I'm sorry for seeming so negative, but I've been seeing the same bloody matches for 2 months now! The best thing about this match is Regal ripping apart JTG and Novak on the mic. Makes this match worth the "listen".

End comes as Koslov come in, kicks the shit out of Novak, and knocks JTG off the apron. The time is perfect for Koslov to hit his finish… so instead he tags in Conor, who jobs to Novak's Mafia Kick to end this.


Annnnnd I don't care.

OFF TOPIC: Kofi & JTG to RAW… only because I hope they join with Truth to form a new Nation of Domination.

Raw Rebound on the draft… I've given my thoughts on this already.

We then get a rundown of WWE's weak ass card for Extreme Rules. Sorry, but I refuse to watch any WWE PPV's till they knock off this "Cole is a wrestler" bullshit. I will say the title matches are interesting simply because they could be awesome (Miz and Alberto win) or be stupid and play it safe (Cena and Christian win) but we'll see.

Oh goodie, another of these Maryse/Yoshi/Lucky backstage segments. You know, this angle really isn't doing that much for anyone involved. I've lost all respect for Yoshi's character, I knew Lucky was a douche before this angle, and Maryse… you have to wonder if she's lost her mind. Keep in mind, in storyline she gave up millions of dollars to do this! Anyway, Maryse comes up to Yoshi, saying how her purse is gone, and blames it on Lucky. (It's a purse Yoshi gave her apparently) She then flees concerned for her shoes… no really.

Yoshi gets his business face on, and starts to walk down the hallway, and bumps into Saxton. He asks him repeatedly where Lucky is, cutting Saxton off several times. Saxton annoyingly tells Yoshi that he has a match against Lucky next, and if he'd paid half as much attention to him as he does to the girl who obviously doesn't like him, he'd know that. I'm just kidding, he actually… oh wait, he actually said that! Go Saxton! Byron actually rips into Yoshi leaving him in the wind, while he went off to try and score with Maryse. I'd would've ripped on him for fucking him over in that Challenge at the top of the show, but whatever.

OFF TOPIC: Swagger to Raw, only because I hope it's an excuse to contain Cole on Raw now. Keep in mind the only reason he was put on both shows was so he could do stuff with Swagger to cement that partnership. Now that he's on Raw, he doesn't have any reason to be there anymore. Hell, I might watch Smackdown if it was Cole free.


Yes, they do this match again… WHO THE FUCK IS BOOKING THIS?! Do they seriously think having the same exact card for months is a great thing?! What kind of bush league shit is this!?

There's nothing to note here, we've seen this match several times now! Only thing to really note is Lucky claims he didn't steal the purse, thus ending the storyline. Regal tries desperately to make Yoshi not look like a pathetic douche who only cares about scoring, but fails. He claims that we only see Yoshi one hour a week, and asks how do we know how much they time they spend together outside the ring? Um, because we're human, Regal? Because you can't shut off a crush like that. Also, of all the times he could decide to focus on Maryse, why would you choose DURING THE SHOW? Its called logic, people!

Anyway, Yoshi's a fucking moron and jumps Lucky in the ring, and gets Byron DQ'ed.

WINNER by DQ: Lucky Cannon

Byron responds by hitting his finish on Yoshi and rightfully so. Love seeing the Faces displaying actual correct emotions during a segment. Lucky thanks him by hitting his finish on Saxton, and Tyson responds to this by raising Lucky's hand and screaming "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"


Before I forget, next week is my one-year anniversary here at TWF! Actually two weeks ago was probably it, due to those two TNA reviews I did, but whatever. Its been a great time, and I wanted to thank all my readers for everything over this year time. Special thanks to Halo, XDustinEFLX, SandoraElite, and EffinFalcone. Also anyone who ever contacted me, I appreciate all the feedback I ever got! For real guys, thanks for everything.

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD": Um, that Darren's still mad at Chavo?


WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE FRANCIS AWARD": Why are they showing the same matches over and over!

Hey, did you know I had a Podcast? Yes, it's true! "The Rundown Wrestling Review" Podcast is a show featuring me and my good buddy Adam as we review and talk about the major happening in wrestling! Like to be in on it? Of course ya do! Just contact me via twitter or either email address, and I'll add ya to the mailing list! Any comments or constructive criticism is appreciated!

Twitter: @NotintheMiddle

Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

Podcast: Rundownwrestling@gmail.com

Send Feedback to Malcolm Not in the Middle

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).