Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


by Malcolm Not in the Middle

April 19, 2011

Hey guys! You guys hear about that Mortal Kombat game that recently came out? It is the shit! It’s also why I missed the beginning of NXT this week! PROFESSIONALISM for the win! Sides that, this show took place out of the country; and everyone knows that nothing happens when they’re out of the country. Oh, and for those people who read the Smackdown spoilers, let me clarify: Nothing of importance happens out of the country.


Pull Through? WWE too good to just say Tug of War? It’s Tug of War on stands, and that’s it. Could they not afford the Nerf Batons this time around? This challenge just screams, “We’re on a budget.” And I know this goes without saying, but the crowd is silent for this one… it’s actually kinda eerie.

Anyway the rules here are simple: You get on the pedestals, grab the rope, and try to yank the other guy off. Now, that’s where WWE drops the ball, cause they put the pedestals so close together, that the Rookies are almost face to face… and then they give them 12 feet of rope… for what reason, I have no idea. This challenge is proof on how easily WWE can miss the point on stuff. Tournament rules with this one, btw.

Conor O’Brien vs. Byron Saxton

Winner: Conor O’Brien

Darren Young vs. Jacob Novak

This match was a great example on why you don’t have the guy so close as Darren wasn’t pulled, but leaned too far and stepped on Novak’s pedestal and was DQ’ed. ~_~;;;

WINNER: Jacob Novak

Lucky Cannon vs. Titus O’Neil

Another BS ending as when Titus was pulling the rope, he pulled too much rope in and accidentally went over the middle of the line. As a result he was DQ’ed for touching it. I will say it was nice that I wasn’t the only confused by it, as Regal had no idea why Lucky won. This makes Lucky’s first victory in Challenge, despite the fact he didn’t do anything, and probably was supposed to lose.

WINNER: Lucky Cannon

Since we have an odd number of Rookies, Maryse actually picks someone to get the bye. So despite being disgusted with the guy for weeks and quasi-feuding with him; Maryse picks Lucky Cannon loves cocky people. CONTINUITY!

Novak vs. Conor

Winner: Novak

Which brings us to the Final…

Novak vs. Lucky

Here’s the sequence of this match:

  1. They try to do a tug of war for a few seconds with 10 of rope dangling between them.

  2. Stop to look at each other… which they do for a minute.

  3. Finally Lucky has enough, and gets himself DQ’ed.


WINNER: Jacob Novak.

Jacob is still wearing Cryme Tyme apparel. Ya, his star is shining brightly. He’s mimicking Grandmaster J’s gimmick right before Jessie was fired. Awesome. And for his victory he gets… 2 fucking points? That’s it?

OFF TOPIC: I really think Orton has only one line in this “That’s What I am” movie. Every time I see him in these trailers, all he says is “I’ll go to the papers if I have to” Over and over again. Though I will say this, it’s refreshing to hear him not go on about kicking some poor slob in the skull.

Jacob Novak and JTG come out to steal 2 minutes of my life with a little promo. For what its worth, Jacob does get some heat, but its cheap heat (Britain sucks and all that stuff). He finally goes to focus his attention on Regal, cause as recent history has shown, the money is in feuds with announcers. Regal ignores him long enough for Conor to come out and gives a decent serious promo telling Novak he’s going to shut him up… which leads to:


The match itself was meh… However here’s the thing that confuses me. There comes a part where Conor victory rolls him and has him down. Ref goes to count three… but stops while Conor still has him covered. Ref says he got his shoulder up… okay, so count the F’ing pin! Anyway, Conor schoolboys Novak again to get the three.


Yup, cause nothing shuts someone up like a schoolboy. Conor isn’t happy about this, and goes to attack Regal, and they have a little fight. Serious, if Novak is struggling with Rookies, I don’t see why he wants Regal. Shame the trigger wasn’t pulled now for it, as the England crowd wanted Regal in action so bad.

We get told the Whole Truth is next… really? Awesome! I thought for sure we’d a Cole segment again.

OFF TOPIC: Seriously, pick up Mortal Kombat. I’m so happy to see such an awesome video games series return back to pure gold. Its worth the price of admission just for the over the top fatalities. This is such an about-face for the series, after the crap that was Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe. Ed Boone: You are terrific.

We come back to a reminder of the Draft, or as WWE Creative is calling it “I can’t fucking believe Edge retired! FUCK!” Look for Orton or HHH to head to Smackdown to fill in the void. Alberto and Christian can go fuck themselves apparently.

So they reply a video package of the whole R-Truth and John Morrison segment. Folks, WWE has forgotten how to write a face. How the fuck was Morrison the face there? He was a fucking dick! And what was the point of having Truth triumph over 3 guys in a row, including standing up to Cena, and making him look like a heroic face… and then to turn him heel a week later? Plus you’re telling me Truth can toe-to-toe with 3 guys one week… and then loses in less then 5 minutes to Morrison. Awful segment; that may have ruined Truth’s push.

UPDATE: Just read Burge's Raw Rant. Thought he summed it up beautifully with “Morrison, the guy we’re supposed to be siding with, looks like a complete and total asshole.”

We get a Yoshi Tatsu and Byron Saxton segment next. Saxton tells Yoshi that his angle with Maryse is fucking retarded, and his over the top Japanese gimmick is disgrace to Japanese fans out there. Okay, no he didn’t, but he should have. Saxton tells him to slow down with Maryse, and to not get his hopes up, as she’s very high maintenance. Which actually is very sound advice. Maryse pops in shortly after, and invites Yoshi to go clothes shopping. Yoshi says sure, and gets a kiss. This is the same Maryse who just last week talked about Yoshi like he was a lovesick puppy. CONTINUITY!

OFF TOPIC: Why the hell did they change Ziggler’s hair? He looks like a default create-a-wrestler now!

Hornswoggle and Titus O’Neil out now as apparently we’re going to have Darren Young vs. Hornswoggle. A match if I’d be up for if it weren’t for the fact that I know WWE is going to stupid this up. Darren Young comes out next with Chavo and he looks confident. And you know, why the fuck wouldn’t he? Swoggle has no business being in a wrestling ring, especially with someone the size of Young. Hell, I still say jobbing Chavo out to him was a mistake as he’s still trying to work his way out of that hole. God I hate that midget.

Shocking stuff ensues as Chavo grabs a mic and fucks over his Rookie. This kinda surprised me actually as I didn’t get the point of Chavo throwing his own Rookie under the bus. He says Young said he could beat up Swoggle blindfold and with one arm tied behind his back, and tells the ref to enforce this. Young’s face says it all as he asks Chavo over and over “Why are you doing this?” Chavo, being stupid, has no answer for this.


Fuck that leprechaun.

WINNER: Hornswoggle

Young is pissed, and rightfully so. Chavo shakes his head, telling him “I told you it wasn’t easy.” Chavo, tell me one guy who’s not hard to beat with one arm while blindfolded. That’s what I hate about Swoggle, watching the faces get all happy like he fucking accomplished something. It’s like getting A on a test while using your notes, the book, and the answer key. Shame Orton doesn’t do this, least his constant winning would make sense.

We are told the main event tonight is Yoshi Tatsu & Byron Saxton vs. Lucky Cannon & Tyson Kidd. You know what I hate about this show? The fact they are insisting on that the Rookies pair off and feud with the same Rookie. Since the first night we’ve had Young vs. O’Neil, Saxton vs. Lucky, and Conor vs. Novak in every way possible. And I barely count Saxton vs. Lucky cause its really Lucky vs. Yoshi! I understand its to show them how to do a feud but its makes every show look the same! If it weren’t for the challenges, I’d have no way to tell the difference. Can we please switch up the Rookies, please?

OFF TOPIC: Sin Cara is probably getting his own Botchamania special pretty soon if his performance last Monday has anything to say about it.

Maryse is already sitting by the announce table, as the other four are ready to go.


I’ll be honest… this was actually a really good match. Tyson and Tatsu really work well together and have tremendous chemistry. Byron Saxton is also really good in the ring, and it’s a shame he doesn’t get a chance to shine as much as Lucky. And I will give Lucky his due; he’s starting to grow on me as far as being a heel. So in general, I really liked this match, and felt everyone contributed in some way to it.

End comes when Yoshi is setting Tyson Kid for his finisher (A Karate Kick; how generic is that?) when he notices Lucky hitting on Maryse again. Like and idiot, he runs over to tell Lucky to stop hitting on his (fake) girlfriend. Tyson uses this time to snap out of it, and hit his finisher “Just Kidding” for the win.

WINNERS: Tyson Kidd & Lucky Cannon


BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”: Tyson Kidd & Lucky Cannon vs. Byron Saxton & Yoshi Tatsu was very good.

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: Darren Young losing to Hornswoggle has pretty much guaranteed he will lose NXT.

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: How do you screw up something as simple as Tug of War?

Hey, did you know I had a Podcast? Yes, it’s true! “The Rundown Wrestling Review” Podcast is a show featuring me and my good buddy Adam as we review and talk about the major happening in wrestling! Like to be in on it? Of course ya do! Just contact me via twitter or either email address, and I’ll add ya to the mailing list! Any comments or constructive criticism is appreciated!

Twitter: @NotintheMiddle

Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

Podcast: Rundownwrestling@gmail.com

Send Feedback to Malcolm Not in the Middle

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).