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WWE NXT RANT

by Malcolm Not in the Middle

April 12, 2011


Hey guys, Malcolm Not in the Middle here and welcome… to a very sober rant. As all of you should know by now, Edge has officially retired in what was a very shocking moment for me on RAW. Granted they did warn us, but I assumed it was going to be something to the measure of "This is my last year in WWE, and my last match will be at Wrestlemania 28." I had no idea his announcement was going to be right now. I also had no idea how close he came to being paralyzed! Considering his next big match would have been a ladder match, he's fucking lucky as hell WWE pushed for another MRI.

I'll miss Edge. I was watching him from the first moment he appeared. Never did I imagine he'd reach the heights he has reached, but it was an awesome ride. He gave me and everyone else a shit load of memories we'll talk about forever. I hope he looks back on his career with a lot of pride, cause whether you love him or you hate him… he's a man who accomplished his dream. And you have to admire him for that. So in honor of Adam Copeland, OFF TOPIC this week will be some of my personal favorite Edge moments. A man who is definitely Hall of Fame bound.

So we start the show with a recap package for the whole Maryse/Ted/Yoshi/Lucky ordeal, which have I mentioned I'm sick of? Plus, feud is making me sick of Yoshi Tatsu, who's coming off like a blithering idiot. I do appreciate Ted being made to look like a BMF, but I'm ready for this to end.

Stupid opening, and we start up on the ramp with Matt Striker. He quickly introduces Maryse. This next part kills me, as he jumps straight to the big question. You know? The big event they promoted at the top of the show? Does Maryse pick Ted or NXT. Yeah, quite the choice there. I assumed she'd save the decision for the Main Event and give some semblance of drama… but no. Maryse shrugs, and tells Striker that Ted is not the first millionaire she's had, and could get more. So she picks NXT… And I know that I said I wanted this feud to be over and all, but seriously, they're ending this feud nonchalantly? Poor Ted.

Rookies are introduced, and the crowd doesn't care. For those who do, here are the current scores of Redemption points.

Titus O'Neil – 9

Darren Young – 7

Byron Saxton – 4

Everyone else – 0

Which bring us to our next challenge!

CHALLENGE! POWER OF THE PUNCH!!!

This one is a classic, which I'm happy to report that Striker gave Regal full credit for the name of this challenge. Basically, Vince got drunk in a bar one night, and noticed an arcade machine with a punching bag. You gain a high score by punching the bag as hard as you can. Vince loved it so much; he bought it for 12 million dollars. And that my friends, is how Cary Silkin got the money to buy ROH.

Anyway, this is a pretty standard challenge, so it's easy for me to recap. Who ever punches the bag the hardest wins.

Byron Saxton: 649

Jacob Novak: 456

Darren Young: 469

Conor O'Brien: 770

Titus O'Neil: 801

For those who are wondering, where's Lucky' score is, that because he's Lucky Cannon, and therefore doesn't participate in challenges. I do feel bad for Lucky Cannon somewhat, as he sees the challenges as stupid… and they are. However, they're quite necessary considering he's a heel and needs the points to survive.

He of course starts hitting on Maryse (Which goes as about as well as you'd expect), when Yoshi comes out for the save… and wow, does he look stupid coming out to that music. Sorry, I like his video game entrance as much as the next guy, but you cannot come off as heroic to that ass of music. Also, I cannot take you seriously as a hero if you speak in engrish… just saying. He tells Lucky to fuck off, and Lucky takes exception to this, and challenges Yoshi to the main event. He then asks Maryse to watch what he does to him later tonight. You mean job?

We cut to Regal and Grisham who threaten us with yet ANOTHER Darren Young vs. Titus O'Neil match. Can we get some fucking variety here?

OFF TOPIC: There was this E & C match with the Hardys that for some reason really stands out for me. There's this moment, where Edge hits Matt Hardy with a move, and climbs to the second rope. He then copies Matt's legdrop complete with "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" and hand signals. This… made me a fan for life. E & C btw are the most entertaining tag teams of all time. The fact Vince didn't jump to reunite them, and even protect Edge a little, is proof even geniuses can be stupid.

The also show a commercial for "That's What I am" WWE films new movie. Vince, no one is ever going to take you seriously as filmmaker… give it up.

DARREN YOUNG VS. TITUS O'NEIL

The match starts with Darren with a mic, calling Swoggle an idiot for continually costing his matches. So I guess this makes it officially that Young is a heel… and that Titus O'Neil is winning, as the closest thing to face now other than he is Byron Saxton.

Pretty typical WWE match. Darren comes off as very aggressive in this one. End of this match comes as Hornswoggle distracts Young, allowing for Titus to roll him up. You know, when Eddie Guerrero cheated, it was great. Having EVERY face you have cheat when we're supposed to believe they are the good guys. WHY DO PEOPLE CHEER FOR HORNSWOGGLE?!

WINNER: Titus O'Neil

Right as I'm about to bitch how much of a repeat this match is, when something actually interesting happens. Darren fucking snaps, and takes Titus out. He then grabs Swoggle is about to work him over, when Chavo stops him? This didn't make sense to me, but I guess it's the "magic" of Hornswoggle. He goes out of his way to be an annoying parasite, and even the announcers point this out… but both them and Swoggle are always shocked when someone is about to beat the shit out of them! Anyway, Chavo talks him down, but Darren still has the look of a killer in his eyes.

OFF TOPIC: I'm always gonna remember the live sex celebration, as I never imagined it going as far as it did. Plus it's thanks to that that we have a shot of Lita's boob. Thank you, Edge.

JTG is out… and oh christ, this is part of that stupid bet he and Koslov made last week… btw, where the fuck is Koslov? Don't tell me he's "selling" the Corre attack still? So they job in 90 seconds at Mania, but they're strong enough to knock someone out of action for weeks?

So JTG introduces us to the new Jacob Novak… who is essentially dressed as Shad Gaspar… huh? Jacob gets sick of this really quick. Regal sighs, saying if he'd have Jacob, he'd take him to the promise land (No one is that good). Jacob ignores JTG's invite to play to the crowd, and grabs a mic. He says that he's starting to rethink if JTG is really the guy to make him into WWE's next breakout star. Crowd is dead for this, btw.

Jacob then focuses on Regal at ringside, since he said he could make him into a superstar…. And he took exception to this for some reason? Jacob proves he's a moron by challenging him to a fight. Regal pretty much ignores him, as Byron comes out.

OFF TOPIC: That TLC match at Mania (that may as well been a three man triangle match with Lita, Spike, and Rhyno involved) was incredible. It's a damn shame that WWE doesn't see the money that can be made with Tag Teams unfortunately. However, this was awesome, and a must see.

JACOB NOVAK VS. BYRON SAXTON

This match would have been great, if the right man went over. WWE is high on Jacob for some reason despite the fact he has "Bathroom Break" written all over him. How crappy is he? His new finisher is kicking you 3 times. No really.

WINNER: Jacob Novak

WE get a reminder of Yoshi vs. Lucky later tonight (Don't care), as we head to commercial.

OFF TOPIC: I really loved the Brood. Edge had simply the most maniacal smile I'd ever seen on a wrestler. The whole vampire gimmick was great, as it was before the whole vampire craze hit. Them joining the Ministry just made sense. Gotta wonder though… how do you think Gangrel feels? Both Edge and Christian become superstars, and then he teams with the Hardy Boyz… and they become superstars too. Meanwhile, he's famous for being married to a bus driver. He's like the Good Luck Chuck of the wrestling world.

They then replay all of Edge's speech from Raw. I've already given my thoughts on this.

OFF TOPIC: Am I the only one who misses Crazy Edge? For his feud with the Undertaker leading to Summerslam, Edge got over his fear by going batshit crazy and taking out friend and foe in preparation for his fight, and it actually made you wonder… maybe he has a shot. But his whole kidnapping of Vickie was fantastic. Good stuff to look up.

I'll list one more actually. His cashing in of MitB on John Cena. That set the tone for that briefcase from then on end. See TNA, that's how those "Feast or Fired" matches should be like. But it was an awesome moment.

YOSHI TATSU VS. LUCKY CANNON

It's a Pro vs. a Rookie… gee, I wonder?

The story of this match is that Maryse is a bitch. She's on commentary and pretty much makes fun of both Yoshi and Lucky for thinking they had a chance in Hell with her. She calls Yoshi a child, and says Lucky makes her think of dried potatoes with cheese… WHAT?!

WINNER: Yoshi Tatsu

To complete her cock tease status, Maryse walks in the ring and kisses Yoshi… to which Grisham goes nuts like Yoshi has gotten the girl… despite the fact they just heard Maryse go off on how he has no shot with her.

END OF SHOW.

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD": Darren Young's new gimmick maybe good.

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE REESE AWARD": Edge retires… ya I know, but still.

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE FRANCIS AWARD": Maryse is a bitch… yet still is a face?

Twitter: @NotintheMiddle

Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).