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WWE NXT RANT

by Malcolm Not in the Middle

April 5, 2011


Hey guys, Malcolm Not in the Middle here. Happy to be returning home… though I have the feeling this feeling will go away when the first challenge rolls around. I want to take this time to thank Halo for switching with me. No seriously, this isn’t going to turn into a wiseass joke. I’m really thanking her.

Before we get into NXT, my thoughts on Wrestlemania. So what did I think about the Granddaddy of them all? To quote the Angry Video Game Nerd: “IT WAS FUCKING HORRIBLE!”

This Wrestlemania made it official to me; Vince McMahon has lost his mind. Folks, we could be entering a rough patch here in wrestling history. We just had a Wrestlemania that was lukewarm at best. Vince actually seems to be pissed that he runs a wrestling company, and not… I dunno, but its obvious he doesn’t want to own a wrestling fed anymore. First we went from WWF to WWE. Then the name of the company has officially gone from World Wrestling Entertainment to WWE so we stop saying wrestling. Now he makes a Wrestlemania that was mainly crappy backstage segments. A Wrestlemania that cut out the US Title match to give the match featuring two commentators more time.

Hey Vince! I have an idea. You want me to stop expecting wrestling in WWE? Get rid of the ring, the Title belts, and the greased up “entertainers”!

So what did I think about the matches? Let’s go down the list.

ROCK AS HOST: Disappointed. He cuts a lousy promo to start off the show, and then gives us awful backstage segments. Though, I guess I should be thankful we didn’t get these all throughout the night. I thought for sure they were going to give us a Saturday night live ripoff…. On Wrestlemania…. That cost me 65 dollars!

SHEAMUS VS. BRYAN: Really? Why is it whenever Vince needs to cut a match from Wrestlemania, he immediately leaps to a title match. For Christ sakes, he cut out the match that created the Unified Tag Team Titles from show! If given time, I believe these two could have stolen the show… but that’s what happens when WRESTLERS try to get time on the ENTERTAINMENT show.

EDGE VS. ALBERTO DEL RIO: … Well, what can I say that wasn't said in Sean Carless’s Entertainmentmania Recap? Why the fuck is the Royal Rumble winner opening the show!? And he lost?! The fucking RR winner lost again?! Dude, fuck the Royal Rumble. Apparently, you just need to focus your energies on MitB! This was a big pisser for me as I was looking forward to Del Rio winning. Oh well.

CODY RHODES VS. MYSTERIO: Match of the night, there I said it. This match was perfect, and I’m really getting into the Cody Rhodes character. Too bad he got killshit on RAW though.

CORRE VS. BIG SHOW, KANE, SANTINO, and KOFI: What the fuck was this? Does the WWE remember how to make an effective stable? Remember the heyday of the Four Horsemen? I guess I can understand why WWE is doing this, as it kills two birds with one stone. 1) making new guys look like shit, and 2) making the 2nd tier titles look like a joke.

CM PUNK VS. RANDY ORTON: Look, I understand that Orton is a top face. I also understand that win/loss records mean nothing. I even understand that Punk is looked highly upon by management and that they recognize him for how great a performer he is… BY WHY THE FUCK DOES ORTON ALWAYS HAVE TO WIN!? In case I haven’t mentioned, I hate Orton! I hate his lack of selling and overpowered finisher especially. I dunno why he bothers with a moveset, when it’s apparent that all he needs to do is hit one RKO. And don’t think I missed the fact Orton jumped off his bad leg to hit that final RKO. ~_~

COLE VS. LAWLER: This made Bret vs. Vince at Wrestlemania 26 look like Bret vs. Shawn at Wrestlemania 12. Really hate the fact that WWE is so high on this guy, as it means he’s not going shut up anytime soon. Well, I will give him credit, as at this point I wanted to see Lawler deck him. However, it went on 5 minutes too long, and what the fuck was with that ending? That actually felt like a pretty cool moment till that splash of cold water by the GM. Really sucked the life out of the moment.

TRIPLE H VS. TAKER: Call me crazy, but I was expecting more. Maybe it’s thanks to those last two matches with Shawn. And this match has effectively made me believe that no one will ever break that fucking streak. Hunter did everything but shoot the fucker, and Taker still kicked out. I personally thought they got a little ridiculous with the finishers and chairs. Fuck, it was like Passion of the Calloway for the last ten minutes!

SNOOKIMANIA: Thank God it was short.

MIZ VS. CENA: I thought the Miz video at the beginning was sweet; not so much with the Cena Choir. Wasn’t bad, but it felt more like a RAW main event than a Wrestlemania. Plus, as a friend of mine said, it felt like they were just killing time till the Rock showed up.

So at best, this one was mediocre. Which maybe passing for other PPV… but this was Wrestlemania for christ’s sake! This show was a major letdown, and wasn’t worth 65 dollars.

Anyway, enough happy thoughts… let’s talk NXT… Actually, I have to admit, this was a pretty quick show. Guess that’s thanks to having to cover TNA. They do a great job of making a 2 hour show feel like a 6 hour show.

We get our usual default opening, with Maryse and Striker welcoming us. We get a recap of the current scores right now: Titus O’Neil leading with 9 points, and Darren Young with 7… everyone else has jack shit. This next challenge is worth 4 points, cause making it three or less would be tedious.

CHALLENGE! HOT SEAT TRIVIA!!!

This one has been used once or twice. The jist of it is there is a single category, in which Stryker asks all the Rookies to answer the question one by one, not repeating any of the previous answers. When someone fails to answer, they are eliminated and sent to the back. Winner is the last man standing.

#1: Winners from Wrestlemania 27… Wow, lots of imagination there…

Young: Bret Hart…. Wrong Mania, fool!

Darren Young eliminated

Saxton: Undertaker

Novak: Orton

Conor: Snooki

Lucky: Hey Stryker! I slept with your girlfriend!... wuh?

Lucky Cannon eliminated

Titus: Cody Rhodes

Saxton: Edge

Novak: Miz

Conor: … Stumbles!

Conor O’Brein eliminated

#2 HOF Inductees… seriously?

Titus: Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Byron: HBK

Jacob: Sunny

Titus: LOD

Byron: Bullet Bob

Jacob: … Stumbles! Out!

Jacob Novak eliminated

#3 ANY of the past NXT Rookies

Titus: Titus

Saxton: Saxton

Titus: Reilly

Saxton: Mcgillicutty

Titus: Husky

Saxton: Otunga

Titus: Daniel Byran

Saxton: Wade Barrett

Titus: Eli Cottonwood

Saxton: Brodus Clay

Titus: Curtis

Saxton: Bateman

Titus: Saxton… that was said!

WINNER: Byron Saxton!

Thank God! I thought that last category was going to go on forever! Regal seems to agree with me as he sounds like he was ready to kill himself. Poor guy. He’s like this already and they haven’t even eliminated a Rookie yet! You have a long way to go sir.

We are then threatened with Chavo Guerrero & Darren Young vs. Titus O’Neil and… Hornswoggle. Is it said that I see Hornswoggle as high as Triple H in terms of winning?

OFF TOPIC: I admit, I preorder the DX DVD. What can I say? I thought they were funny… even if they buried a lot of good people.

My feed cuts off after this commercial. By the time we come back, we are in the middle of a mach.

CONOR O’BREIN VS. JACOB NOVAK

Oh yeah, I totally needed to see a match with the two biggest losers from Season 4. Highlight of this match? Grisham reveals Conor has two dogs… who are probably dead from starvation with Conor being on the road. Circle of life.

End comes when Novak tries to hit a Yakuza kick on Conor, only for him to dodge and schoolboy Novak for the win.

WINNER: Novak

I don’t care.

Oh joy, a Yoshi/Lucky/Maryse segment! I so missed these! (sarcasm). So Lucky approaches Tatsu and apologies for last week. He promises to back off Maryse, and he swears he heard Maryse say she liked him. Lucky heads off as Maryse comes down the hallway. Yoshi approaches her and FINALLY asks her out. In a clever bit, Yoshi waits for an answer… when Ted Dibiase walks in and says “No.” Ted then proceeds to whip the shit out of Yoshi. Maryse yells at him to stop, and Ted tells her to shut up. He reminds her that he’s the only guy who could afford her and tells her she needs to make a decision tonight. He walks off… and Maryse soon follows. Apparently, him and Yoshi have a match later tonight, so that will be interesting.

OFF TOPIC: Sunny was bumped off the Hall of Fame replay so we could see Drew Carey? No fucking justice…

We come back to a Koslov and JTG segment; and yes, you read that right. I’d love to tell you what they said, but damn if I can make out what they said. The jist of it is they make a bet to see who can make their Rookie look “fly” the first. Considering their Rookies are Conor and Novak, the bet may as well be who can make their shit taste delicious first.

OFF TOPIC: Big show DVD is really interesting. I dunno if I’d buy it, but the watch on Netflix was sufficient.

TITUS O’NEIL & HORNSWOGGLE VS. CHAVO GUERRERO AND DARREN YOUNG

Hated this match, mainly thanks to the midget. WWE won’t let anyone hit him, so every match he’s in turn to a “Comedy” match. I use quotes because THEY’RE NEVER FUNNY! End result is Young was made to look like a chump here, and that’s a damn shame. Sorry but anytime you are outsmarted by a retardws midget who thinks he’s a leprechaun, your cred gotes into the toilet. Such was the case with this match, as Swoggle made Young into his bitch. … sigh…

End comes when Titus hits the Clash of the Titus with Chavo distracted by the midget.

WINNERS: Swoggle and Titus

Regal and Grisham proceed to make a big deal on that Titus is undefeated on NXT… Really? Cause I could have sworn he lost every damn match during season 2. Anyway, we are reminded that tonight Ted and Yoshi will fight in the main event… because lets face it, these two may as well be Rookies.

OFF TOPIC: Have to say, I like the idea of a commemorative T-Shirt of the champions at Mania.

We get a recap of Cena vs. Rock… at Wrestlemania 28?! Well, I guess this is the trade off. Last Sunday we had a Wrestlemania with no build, so now we have one coming up with what people will call too much. Trust me people, there is no such thing as too much build. I applaud this move, and am very interested in what happens next.

TED DIBIASE VS. YOSHI TATSU



Not much of a match here, as Ted just simply beat the fuck out of Yoshi. He was actually so viscous, that evidently the ref calls for the bell and ends the match.

WINNER: Yoshi

Ted continues to manhandle Yoshi till Maryse tells him to get off. Ted gets pissed with Maryse acting like a Tweener and tells her she has one week to decide: Him or NXT. Regal hopes for his sake, that Maryse picks NXT.

END.

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD": Conor has two dogs

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: Hornswoggle wrestled…

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: Ted and MAryse are still together? Really?

Twitter: @NotintheMiddle
Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).