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WWE NXT RANT

by Andariel Halo

March 29, 2011


How did I end up here?! I knew I drank an assload of fruity blue vodka, but that was hours ago, and I took all those pills in the morning. Now it's Tuesday and not Thursday, and tomorrow isn't Friday, where there's FUN FUN FUN FUN to be had. And then Saturday comes after. I think. Point is, this show didn't get cancelled after the spectacular performance I put on last time, and so it needs me to RETURN to it.

And I've missed AJ Lee. She was cute in a dumpster-slut "don't let her bite you, she has AIDS" kind of way. And Jamie who was nicely muscled. And I don't remember anyone else there. The two black ones. The Lithuanian. That's it. Who the fuck is fucking Lucky Cannon and Penis O'Neil? And I'm also apparently an hour too early for the recap. Fucking shit.

An hour later, show starts, and holy hell... who the fuck are these people? And why is it so hard to keep both this on window next to the recap writy page I'm doing? And why does that guy look like his penis?

In the ring now is MATT STRIKER and he welcomes to us the NXT rookies! First; Black Cena! Then some guy who sounds like a WrestleCrap writer Byron Saxton, A rat-looking guy, "Lucky Cannon", Penis O'Neil with HORNSWOGGLE AS HIS PRO! EPIC PRO! and Jacob Novak. He ain't gonna win, you fucking serious? Motherfucker's more whitebreadunremarkable than...

Apparently all these people are loserfailures but now have the opportunity to... continue to NXT6 and choose their own pro that time around. YAY FOR NO ONE GIVING A SHIT ABOUT INCENTIVE~! Apparently only two people have points, everyone else has zero.

So in that case, we have an ARM WRESTLING CHALLENGE!~!

Byron Saxton vs Darren Young

Byron starts by putting on his red cap BACKWARDS! which means it's on now. On our mark, get set, and GO! They settin at it, stalemate to begin, with Darren pulling pulling he's got him down OH NOESZ HE GONNA BEAT HIM HE GOT HIM INCHES BUT NO HES FIGHTINBG AAAAGRGH Darren Young got him.

WINNAR: Darren Cena

Next up is rat guy and Not Gorgeous George Flair.

Conor O'Brien vs Lucky Cannon

Lucky Cannon is NOT AMUSED by having to touch that ugly sumbitch, and so squirts hand sanitizer on hisself first. Apparently William Regal is on commentary to be totally useless before he gets quietly released and entered into the WWE Hall of Fame as one of those quiet entries like Blackjack Mulligan or something. Oh yeah, Lucky Cannon cheated somehow and got dq'd

WINNAR BY DQ: Conor O'Brien

Titus O'Neil vs Jacob Novak

Some shenanigans go when he hits him early and thinks he won or something, but NO YOU WRONG WHITE BOY so they do it again and Titus O'Neil smashes his hand down in 3 seconds, you fucking cocksucker.

WINNAR: Titus O'Neil

Some Guy vs Darren Young

I honestly don't even fucking know who that is. Oh, it's apparently Conan O'Brien. ELMINATION thing! It's moving awful fast.

Conor O'Brien vs Titus O'Neil

People chant BORING.

WINNAR: Titus O'Neil

Can I go home now? I'm tired. I have a research paper due in two days. My left thumb hurts.

Video thing pimping like... only Darren Young. Someone told him the only way he could get ahead is to GET NOTICED! Like that time I got noticed by correcting a professor mid-lecture for making an insignificant little mistake and being told essentially "Look, kid, you don't wanna take me on". True story; he even wrote my letter of recommendation. Am I saying Darren Young should put on whiteface and sneak into the Wrestlemania main event as John Cena, then rape Michael Cole in the butthole? I'm not saying that, but I sure am typing it loudly.

Long-ass fucking video package pimping Triple H versus Kane the Undertaker. Then a video pimping Wrestlemania merchandise. Then, just to remind you how much of a fuckwit you are for watching this show and recapping it, a video pimping NXT's more popular, more talented older brother who had a falling out but is now returning cleaned up and better than ever and getting all the parents' attention.

FUCKING SHIT Why the fuck wasn't I told about these long-ass video package commercial things? I could've gone and pissed by now.

I went and pissed and the Snooki promo is STILL GOING. This is the greatest NXT in the history of our sport.

Then, long-ass promo pimping Wrestlemania main event thing. Then ANOTHER promo pimping the history of wrestlemania release.

And then... RERUN of yesterday's Triple H Undertaker Shawn Michaels promo. Look, honestly? Shooty-time? This is exactly why I accepted this exchange with that stranger who does NXT normally. TNA takes me literally hours to complete. Like... 3 hours just for the first 15 minutes, and I honestly don't know why. I watch it, I recap, I stare at the time thing, I spend half an hour finding a stupid video or picture for an obscure joke, I pass out at some point, I wake up next day and spend another 8 hours on it.

This is my fucking vacation. Fuck you.

Video recap pimping Wrestlemania again, then Tough Enough. Oh hey, RANDOM MATCH!

People vs People

I don't even know who the fuck these people are. Lucky Cannon starts with ratguy, and they run around some, and Ratguy pin gets 2. Then he armdrags the fag down and armbars him a lot. The fucking screen keeps slugging and such, making it hard to keep up. Conor with knees to Cannon's back, then again with an AAAARMBAAAR! He then brings him to the corner, with generic arm slam things, and tags in Titus O'Neil. He armwrenches and legdrops onto his arm.

Lucky Cannon kicks at his face, and runs to tag in Black Cena. Arm drags from TItus onto him, then an armlock standing on him, and Titus rams him into a corner and tags in... I don't even know. Who teh fuck is this guy? I thought there were only two black guys here. Oh, it's Byron Saxton. Who? Crowd has no reaction to anything going on. They brawl some in the corner, then Darren Young irish whip into corner and gets booted in the face to MINIMAL CROWD REACTION!

Irish whip by Anglo-Saxon and Darrel kicks him down anyway, and takes him into a corner, and tags in some random whitebread piece of trash. He does some generic wrestling, then tags in Lucky Cannon, to do legdrop on his leg, then a side Surfboard Stretch thing or Bow and Arrow lock. Then GENERIC CHINHEADLOCK! Apparently Lucky Cannon has been lusting after Maryse. I been watching RAW for weeks and never seen shit about either of them for months.

Darren Young distracts the referee so the guys can play with Saxton's face, then Titus O'Neil runs in, but leaves at the referee, and Daren Young pin gets 2. The white guy goes and generic elbow drops on Blade Braxton, then another generic elbow drop. Then HEADLOCK!

Titus O'Neil gets in now and powerslams the white guy and pin gets 2 as Darren Young fucks it up. Then the ratguyu flying clotheslines him over the top rope and Titus O'Neil witha powerbomb thing and pinwins.

WINNAR: Titus O'Neil, Blade Braxton, Conan O'Brien

What. That's it? I feel like this is some kind of Scarless and Rashudan scheme to trick me somehow. Somehow managed to be worse than TNA, but not really.

NXT YAY: That Armwrestling tournament was FAST SHIT LIKE AN X DIVISION CLUSTERFUCK

NXT BOO: Total disasterpiece. No point at all for the pros to sit and watch. Only one match, and one joke contest, 30 fucking minutes of Wrestlemania pimpads

NXT WTF: Why is season 5 full of losers from season 1,2,4? Why does the winning loser not win anything except to go through NXT again?

Go play on my fucking Twitter Captain Halo

Feedback if you fucking want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

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Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).