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WWE NXT RANT

by Malcolm Not in the Middle

March 22, 2011


I’m gonna have to apologize right off, as this review will probably be a little choppy. Here’s the thing; the fiancé wanted some attention and only night we had was Tuesday. So I decided on my fiancé; cause when given the choice, I’d rather have sex with her and not Sean Carless. I figured this wouldn’t be a huge issue as WWE typically has the show in full ready to be watched… however, WWE decided to say that was too much work, and just has snippets of each segment… Christ, this show is going to be off the net soon. Anyway, I’m doing this report off those snippets and what I read off the internet, so bare with me here. On the plus side, this review is already longer than Canadian Bacon’s review of the last PPV.

Default opening to start us off. Striker goes over the current Redemption Point scores, that has Darren Young with 3 and Titus O’Neil leading with 5 points… seriously, did the keg challenge need to be worth that much? Also, Darren Young won that one technically, as he finished the quickest. It’s just the guy running the clock wasn’t as quick, but I digress… We find out the next challenge is worth 4 points, cause why not?

CHALLENGE! DISS THE ROOKIES!!!

This one is another “classic”. The Rookies are paired off against each other in a quasi-tournament type of deal. The paired Rookies each get 20 seconds to mock the other in a promo. The audience picks the winners, thus ensuring absolutely no heels will make it to the Finals (Where they get 30 seconds). Winner of this tournament wins.

JACOB NOVAK VS. BYRON SAXTON

Novak should never be given a microphone ever. The promo begins with Novak telling Byron he heard he used to be a reporter, so he has a news flash for him: me. Which led to a very bad hometown joke. It was painful watching Novak take a full minute to make a cheap heat joke at the city’s expense. Ziggler was very much right about this guy.

Byron takes 10 seconds to make a quick joke about how Novak (in his white trunks) is the new spokesman for Huggie’s diapers. Was this joke stupid? Yup, but it still easily beat that crap Novak spouted. Him trying to get a high five out of Novak was pretty funny.

WINNER: Byron Saxton

CONOR O’BRIAN VS. TITUS O’NEIL

I take back my darkhorse comment about Conor. Conor decides to mock Titus for his catchphrase of “A win is a win.” (Which is wrong, its “Make it a win.”) He says what he’s really saying is “Fee fi fo fum, I’m Titus O’Neil and I’m dumb”… how the fuck did Conor get a 2nd chance?!

Maryse begs Titus to be interesting, and Titus… he fails. Sorry but any promo that starts with a fake Ace Ventura laugh sucks. After this laugh, his promo focuses on Conor’s nose being big… wow, if this ain’t the pot calling the kettle black. He makes a joke that his pull over shirt has stretch marks. Huh?

Since both promos suck easily, the crowd decides to go with the guy who has the midget as a pro.

WINNER: Titus O’Neil

DARREN YOUNG VS. LUCKY CANNON

To their credit, these two cut the best promos here… but they still suck. To put it in perspective, it’s like being the TNA World Champion. Congrats, you’re the best POS in an entire company filled with POS.

Darren Young makes one okay joke about Lucky, how the 1980s called and they want the robe back. From there, it just deteriorated to an “I’m gonna kick yo ass” promo.

Lucky, makes nice heel comment about how Young has as much chance of winning NXT as the Buckeyes do of winning the championship. Unfortunately, he follows this up by stalking Maryse… Yeah, I’m already sick of this angle.

WINNER: Darren Young

To their credit, they do get genuine reactions instead of complete indifference. Especially Lucky Cannon, who gets a nice amount of heat… still didn’t like either. So we get the Triple Threat,

DARREN YOUNG VS. TITUS O’NEIL VS. BYRON SAXTON

Byron bombs. Makes a Kibbles and bits joke at Titus’ expense, and says Young is in a group called the 4 Blacktops. For those who don’t understand… I’m with ya.

Titus… cuts a racist promo. He focuses on Saxton, but is talking like Yoshi with Engrish. This is kinda a dumb move on Titus’ part; as it’s a heel thing to do. Plus, Yoshi’s a face, so this confuses the crowd. Complete indifference for this one.

Darren up, as I’m praying to Jesus for an interesting promo… Jesus ignores my prayers. Darren is kinda a prick here. He makes fun of Titus for being old (he’s 42!) and teases Saxton by saying he’s a little bit better than him… at what, I dunno.

Regal, once again, is the voice of reason here he exclaims that he’s livid. He says Young and O’Neil should be trying to be intimidating instead of acting like clowns. I have to agree, this challenge has been an embarrassment.

This challenges reveals to me that even when Titus is toxic waste at something, he’s always going to get some cheers because of that fuckin leprechaun. The indifference is close with Young and O’Neil, but Young wins it.

WINNER: Darren Young Young is now in the lead with 7 points by sucking the least out of his opponents… WTF?

After this we get a recap of the keg carry challenge… cause why the hell not? After this we get thrown into a match!

DARREN YOUNG VS. TITUS O’NEIL

I only saw a minute and a half of this contest, so I can’t complain. End comes when Chavo Guerrero (in full view of the referee) pulls Young out of the way of a Titus O’Neil clothesline. Hornswoggle responds by biting Chavo’s ankle which distracts Darren for some reason, and allows Titus to hit a Baldo Bomb to make it a win… wait, Titus’ Baldo Bomb is a called “Clash of the Titus”? That’s stupid.

WINNER: Titus O’Neil

When did Darren Young turn heel? We go to the back where Yoshi confronts Lucky Cannon, and tells her to leave his friend Maryse alone. You know, this act is even less noble when you realize Yoshi is just saying this cause he wants to bang Maryse as much as Lucky does. Lucky starts to making “You feeling Lucky?” comments, when Maryse walks in. She apologizes for slapping Lucky, saying that she’s not the type to do that… Huh? Lucky then goes into “Creepy Perv” mode. He again tells her to dump Ted, and once again, she did that! Lucky gets slapped for his troubles. Yoshi starts snickering like 5 year old; so Maryse slaps him too and leaves. Lucky then laughs so Yoshi slaps him. Meanwhile, I wanna slap the writer who came up with this.

Speaking of Cannon, we get an in-depth look at him next. Funny moment comes as he asks us “Do you even remember who won Season 2?” and show pictures of Kaval, as he goes on how insulted he was. It’s actually a good video package, with Lucky showing off his newfound heelness. He’s not going to win NXT due to this, but he may have a future…. Maybe.

JTG & JACOB NOVAK VS. VLADMIR KOSLOV & CONOR O’BRIAN

So you realized that this match was going to suck, but leave it to WWE to make things worse. Striker comes out, and gives that crap “Anything can happen in the WWE” line that used to mean something, but now just means a Khali Kiss cam segment can pop up at anytime. Case in point, this match is now a dance off…. Fuck this, do you guys really care for an in-depth review on how Koslov sucks so bad as a wrestler, he needs to dance? Didn’t think so.

WINNERS: Koslov & Conor

FUCK. THIS. SHOW.

Main event time!

LUCKY CANNON VS. BYRON SAXTON

It’s an all right match. I’ll cut him some slack, as Lucky is actually trying to pull something off with his character this season. I don’t dig it, but at least he’s trying. Saxton is good in the ring, but his character is entirely stuck on retard mode. Seriously, it’s okay for a goofy character to get serious sometimes. Just ask Cena!

Anyway, end comes when Lucky hits his Samoan Driver, which he calls the Lucky Break. Actually it’s nice name for it, even though I’m getting sick of all these lucky puns.

WINNER: Lucky Cannon

Yoshi comes out to check on Saxton, but oh noes! Lucky jumps Yoshi and hits the Lucky break on him too. Funny thing of the night goes to Tyson Kidd, who enters the ring, raises Lucky’s arm, and screams “AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” for no reason. It was so out of place, it was hysterical. END OF SHOW!

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD": Tyson Kidd’s “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Seriously, this show sucked.

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: The show in general, but I’ll give it to the Diss the Rookie Challenge.

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: The realization that no one on this show can cut a promo!

Dude, this show is terrible… I haven’t been this depressed since season 3. No it’s worse… I need a vacation. No wait… I need a reminder of what a terrible show is! I’m emailing Halo now!

(EDITOR’S NOTE: THE FOLLOWING IS THE ACTUAL EMAILS BETWEEN AND HALO… AND PROOF THAT HALO IS HYSTERICAL.)

Me: you wanna trade shows next week?

Halo: who the fuck are you

Me: Ouch... very well, point made.

Halo: You can't try to deceive me on anything, stranger. I'm a master of intelligence

Me: Is this because you got to cover RAW? Now the lesser shows just don't do it for ya?

Halo: You mean Smackdown? I don't watch it. Too blue.

Me: Okay, I'll play along. No I cover NXT, a show thats as bad as yours. However, its an hour shorter, and has significantly less drug addicts main eventing.

Halo: Never heard of it. I think you're making shit up so I look bad in the eyes of the bosses when next wednesday comes around and I don't have tomorrow's recap done because the show doesn't exist.

Me: the reason you've never heard of it is because its on the net. Its actually on WWE.com (http://nxt.wwe.com/) as its a weekly webshow. In fact, I've been covering it for 47 weeks now. A lesser know fact, TWF does have other articles aside from your TNA recap ^_^

The premise of the show is that they get guys from developmental, and throw them in this fake reality show where the winner (usually) gets a WWE contract. However, they pull these guys way before there ready, and so the crowd laughs at them and feel good for the fact that they gave up on their dreams.

I'm pretty sure thats the point of the show.

Halo: That show isn't coming until after Wrestlemania. You a lyin fuck

Me: No, thats Tough Enough. ~_~;;;

The show I'm talking about here is NXT... you could google it, ya know?

Halo: NXT! You never said NXT to begin with! I covered that already with the women. Never saw any of them ever again on WWE tv ever again, though. Isn't it cancelled?

Me: No, but I can understand why you'd think that. BTW, Kaitlyn won, and shes on that blue show you don't like... sometimes... okay once.

The show is till going and its on season 5. Now they have a bunch of guys who were eliminated as a type of "second chance" type of deal.

Halo: Tell Scarless to give me permission to do it, and make sure your recap of next week's thing isn't boring

Yes! I get to cover TNA next week!... why am I excited? Oh yes, I need to be reminded of what an actual terrible wrestling show is like. Last time I covered TNA, I left with a newfound appreciation of NXT… I’m hoping for another miracle!... oyi, wish me luck.

Twitter: @NotintheMiddle
Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).