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WWE NXT RANT

by Malcolm Not in the Middle

March 15, 2011


You ever notice the other writers really never talk about themselves that much? I mean you know that Burge hates wrestling, Halo likes cursing, and Scott likes “Back to the Future”… Aside from that, what do we really know about them? And while I may not be one of the most colorful writers here, I’d like to think there those whose who are kind of curious about stuff I do… In which case, feel free to tweet or email me anytime. However, I do have something to announce at the end of this column. So stay tuned to hear of a side project that I’m currently working on. ^_^

Anyway, let’s begin the pain. The lesson of this week’s show is Maryse and Striker have both no chemistry together. It was painful watching them together for this segment, as they were really phoning it in here. Can’t say that I blame them though, its NXT after all. The show has pretty much become synonymous with “Ah, fuck it.” BTW, someone please explain to me how Maryse went from heel to face? I honestly think its just because she’s hot.

We begin with our default opening, with Striker and Maryse introducing the Pro and Rookie teams. Titus O’Neil and Hornswoggle get a massive amount of cheers… Christ, they’re the odds on favorites to win this, aren’t they? Humorously, the duos each try to show how much of a team they each are by doing a stupid handshake with each other. It’s a little on the sad side, as you can tell they practiced these things for a few hours.

We are told a new prize for winning NXT. IF you win, you not only get the spot on Season 6 (Bleh) but you also get to pick your Pro for Season 6. The smart thing to do is to pick someone like Cena, but I’m sure they’ll decide to keep their Pro. We go right into the next challenge (Which for some reason, Striker calls the first challenge of NXT, even the obstacle course last week was the first), which is a pretty normal first challenge for this series…

CHALLENGE! TALK THE TALK CHALLENGE!!!

This challenge is actually a pretty big deal for the NXT Rookies. This challenge can set the tone for a Rookie’s entire tenure in NXT. You fuck up here; you’re pretty much seen as a fuck up from then on out. You impress people here; you have a solid shot of winning NXT. That being said, let’s see how the Rookies did this time.

Jacob Novak: Not only drops the ball, but stomps it flat. To impress the WWE Universe, he proceeds to rap. I won’t bother reciting the whole thing; let’s just say it made ya appreciate Cena’s recent promos. Fuck it; it made ya appreciate Vanilla Ice. Tone has been set… Jacob still sucks. Only good thing from this is when Regal said “I want to say something nice about him, but I really want to punch him right now.”

Darren Young: Goes into the crowd, and goes for a “Man of the People” type of promo. It’s actually fairly decent and shows how much he’s grown since Season 1. He’s nowhere near the Rock, but it was okay for what it was. Young is definitely the right guy to win this.

Conor O’Brien: I listened this promo and it made me think Dusty Rhodes… Rather he was attempting to cut a Dusty promo. Conor was trying to cut a “Common Man” promo, by telling of the hardships of his life. He unfortunately failed, as it came off as a pity party more than anything. It was as if his gimmick was that he was a complete loser. Even Regal was picking on him, and that seems to be a bad sign this season.

Byron Saxton: I actually think that Saxton is starting to really understand his character some, or least getting it to work effectively. He starts out his promo really goofy but be actually gets a nice joke off Luck Cannon’s expense. He actually does a nice job with this promo. If he can get a little bit better here, he may have a chance this season.

Lucky Cannon: He actually does a nice “Pretty Boy” gimmick. He “Shhhhs” the crowd, which was funny, and then, goes on about how this season of NXT is all about him. This is a nice heel promo by Lucky; too bad heels never win on NXT. Still think he should get a better cape (That’s right Grisham, it’s not a fucking robe!)

Titus O’Neil: This was embarrassing to listen to. The whole promo is a story about having a talk with Hornswoggle, whose punchline is “And he told me “Ahhhhhh hahahaha”. A stupid promo yes, but it involves Swoggle, so people love it. Once again, he may end up winning this show simply because of who his Pro is.

Remember when I said how lousy and corny Maryse and Striker are? Here’s an example:

Striker: Now for this contest, we need a very special judge… Maryse? Do you have any ideas?

Maryse: Hmmmm… how about the WWE Universe?!

Groan.

Can I just say how much I hate the whole “Let the WWE Universe pick who wins” thing? Number one, they’re idiots. Yes, I’m aware that technically includes me, but I digress. They never pick the Heel, even when the Heel did the best job (Spare me about Brodus Clay winning that one time, he was in his hometown!). Also, Season 4 was full of people who won simply because they said “This town rules!” Finally, they pick the wrong guy to win the Season every time. Kaval and Johnny Curtis won their seasons and where are they? Meanwhile, people who placed 2nd or 3rd are doing light years better. Fuck, one of those guys is fired, and the other has yet to debut!

Anyway, take a guess who wins? Yup, the guy with the leprechaun.

WINNER: Titus O’Neil

Personally, I thought Byron Saxton cut the better promo, but like I said they’re idiots. We then get threatened with a Connor O’Brien vs. Darren Young match as we had to commercials.

We return from commercial to an in-depth look at Titus O’Neil. These reviews are getting repetitive as all of them say the same thing “I lost cause I just wasn’t myself.” Titus, let’s be honest: WWE saw you, how huge you are, and put you on TV way too soon. No shame in that. Anyway, he has some experience now, and a Pro who a majority of WWE’s audience loves, so once again, he has to be considered an odds on favorite.

DARREN YOUNG VS. CONOR O’BRIEN

Regal doesn’t like Conor. Wow, he didn’t like him trying to get sympathy for living in his car. Only in WWE does sharing info on your own personal hardship make you a dick.

The match itself is great, as I suspect the WWE wants to make Young into something big. How weird would it be to see him turned into John Cena? Anyway, Story of this one is Conor works the arm, and hurts Young’s moveset tremendously, though he fights through anyway. It actually makes Young look really tough. He eventually wins by hitting a Fireman’s carry into a double knee driver move…. I’ll call it the Double Knee Driver.

WINNER: Darren Young

Next we are threatened with the Keg Carry competition, a competition that is completely different cause its not just a keg carry but a St. Patrick’s Day keg carry!.... Kill me.

We return to a RAW Rebound of Miz kicking the shit out of John Cena, in a bit Regal called “A brilliant display of sheer villainy”. Me being a Miz mark, I love how strong they’ve made Miz going into Mania. Finally… WWE is seriously trying to make a new star. In order for me to take a guy seriously as a threat to someone, you have to make me believe the face is in danger. Keep this up WWE please… BTW, if someone could send me a screen shot of Miz’s evil grin over Cena, I’d appreciate it.

We then cut to another Maryse and Yoshi Tatsu segment. Seriously, does anyone actually care about this two as a couple? Why are these two getting pushed like this? Anyway, Yoshi is complimenting her, and about to… I dunno, ask her out when Lucky Cannon interrupts. He then apologizes to Maryse for last week, and promises to be more mature. Maryse says okay, and tells Yoshi she’ll see him later. After she leaves, Lucky makes a crack (that’s actually pretty clever) about how he’ll never get Maryse because he’s not Lucky… So just to recap, Lucky just wants to bang Maryse and doesn’t care about winning NXT… considering how the past winners have faired, that’s actually an intelligent idea.

This segment actually is a segway to our next match, a tag bought between Tyson Kidd and Lucky Kidd vs. Yoshi Tatsu and Byron Saxton. Yay…

Up next is an in-depth look at Jacob Novak… as to why, I dunno. I mean he’s just going to get eliminated in two week again anyway. I’m kinda distracted by this segment, cause they have Gregory Helms old WWE theme playing in the background for it. I keep hearing “GREGORY… HELMS!” over and over. Anyway, Novak blames his getting eliminated on being distracted by Vickie and his Pro. They even replay Dolph’s rant on how Novak sucks… because you want to remind the viewers of this I guess? Basically, Novak has learned nothing from last season. Once again, he will be eliminated first.

TYSON KIDD & LUCKY CANNON VS. YOSHI TATSU & BYRON SAXTON

I have to say, Lucky is pretty good as a heel. He knows how to do all the actions and the crowd does boo him. I think he could stand to be a little bigger, but he has promise if he can keep this up.

Byron Saxton I guess is a face now, and even does the “House of Fire” hot tag now. He moves very much like a Mexican Jumping Bean now. Like Lucky he isn’t terrible (though Lucky messed up a side salto) wrestler, and with some fine-tuning, their personas could really take off.

We get an okay match here, that ends when Lucky sneaks in a tag to hit his finisher, an FU done by throwing the guy the other way…. The UF?

WINNERS: Kidd & Lucky

Up next… the horrid thing about Wrestlemania this year…

We get a recap of the scene with Snookie on RAW… all of it. These 10 minutes turn the show into a 40 minute ordeal… so whatever, my job gets easier. Though if WWE is so confident that no one watches this show, why do they bother with recaps?

I am not a fan of Snookie in Mania, especially in a fucking match at fucking Wrestlemania. I have to say, it really messes with my suspension of disbelief when you tell me how wrestlers train for years to fight like they do, and then have a partier from Jersey take out two multi-time Divas Champions effortlessly. That and I hate the Jersey Shore, why the hell do both major feds try to get these guys so much? This is lowest common denominator shit! But yeah, not a fan. Oh well, every Mania there is one crappy match, least this way we know what it is.

And now… for our main event.

CHALLENGE! ST. PATRICK’S DAY KEG CARRY!!!

So this challenge is worth two points, and is one of the “classic” of NXT. Its was actually made pretty famous by a fuck up by Titus O’Neil… and no sooner than I type this does Striker bring up Titus and shows him a video montage of him tripping while doing the keg carry. And its not like they show it once, and call it good. No, they replay the blooper 5-7 times, give it goofy music, and show it from every camera angle available to them. Can’t say I’m too surprised. It’s WWE after all; who’s better at beating a dead horse than them?

And yes, this is our main event. It’s a fixed BS challenge, but it’s our main event. Amusingly, WWE is going for the Disney ending with Titus, playing the man on a quest for redemption. Granted, it’s a little on the pathetic side that his big obstacle is to not be a klutz, but whatever. Does he succeed? Well, here are the results:

Novak: 09.9

Young: 09.8 (Take their sweet time stopping the clock)

Conor: 09.4

Saxton: 9.5

Lucky: Still decides not to do the challenge… instead he reads a poem in French to Maryse, who thanks him by slapping him in the face. Hey, if he ends up scoring with Maryse, you could argue he won Season 5.

Titus: 09.1

Yes, Titus wins… even though Young really won due to the clock refusing to stop after he crossed the finish line. With two challenge wins, Titus is now leading in Redemption points 4 to Young’s 3. Titus and Swoggle then proceed to celebrate like he won the World Title. End show.

As for my big announcement… I’m doing a wrestling podcast. Me and my broadcast partner (Adam) have already begun making episodes; and working out the kinks in the show. I’ll keep you guys posted, including where to get episodes. This is actually a big project, as we’ll have to make a whole new website for them.

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD": The Titus reel of his one blooper was pretty funny.

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: Novak raps.

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:Titus will win Season 5.

Twitter: @NotintheMiddle
Email:
Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).