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WWE NXT RANT

by Malcolm Not in the Middle

March 8, 2011


... This is going to be a long season.

I know typically, I pretend I haven’t watched NXT, and write like I’m watching as I type. Though, most of you have to know that’s impossible… unless I can write like 300 words a second or something. I watched the season premiere of NXT tonight… and it’s bad. How bad? Season 5 could make Season 3 look like Season 1. Yes… that bad.

Well, lets just go into this. This NXT actually has a theme, one that’s actually pretty cool. Its Redemption; in other words, some of the eliminated from Seasons 1,2, & 4 get a second chance to earn their dream… kinda. Here’s the first stupid part of this season: The winner of this season of NXT doesn’t get a contract. Nope, sorry dude. What do they win? They get the honor of being on Season 6… to fight for a contract. So just so we are all clear on this… the winner of a reality TV show gets to go on the same reality TV show all over again to win the actual prize. Folks, this is the definition of a BS prize. The winner of this abortion of a show gets to go through the same abortion of a show. Unbelievable.

So an interesting idea is shot in the foot off the bat due to a lousy prize. There are quite a few other changes to NXT; some are actually VERY welcome. For instance, we have a new announcer. Grisham is still there, but replacing Josh… William Regal. Very happy to hear his voice call the action, as he has a very pleasant voice. Also, Regal is the only announcer out there who sees the importance of actually PUTTING OVER THE TALENT! This is fantastic cause if I heard Josh and Grisham talk down about the show and the talent; I was going to throw up. And Regal talks well of everyone, including those who I personally don’t think deserve the praise, though we’ll get into that later.

Anywho, lets start the review. Trust me though… there is a whole lot more stupidity coming.

After Grisham introduces us to his new broadcasting partner, Matt Striker is in there to introduce us to his to his new partner as the master of ceremonies… Maryse! Okay, a pretty face to look at during this garbage… I’ll take it. You need to take advantage of anything that helps me get through one of these. Maryse talks, and she’s okay. Her accent tends to fluctuate, going from Trish Stratus to Aksana. Still like her better than Striker.

So Maryse starts to introduce us to the Rookies. First is Darren Young from Season 1, and this is the next bit of stupid in WWE. Guys… Darren Young has been on WWE Superstars for some time. Hell, he was on RAW a few times! He has to have a contract, unless you’re telling me he’s been wrestling all this time with no contract. Which given WWE’s definition of fired with John Cena, that maybe possible. Still this dumb, and kinda makes you question if any of the other guys on Superstars is under contract now that I think about it…

Next is Conor O’Brien from Season 4, who still misspells his first name. Yeah okay, I can be okay with this. I suppose he wasn’t that terrible, even though the whole Rat Thing was stupid. I can see how WWE would like the character, as they love kid gimmicks like this. I imagine he’d be great in a feud with Hornswoggle or Santino.

Following this… Lucky Cannon from Season 2. Joy. You guys should remember me hating on the guy for being as generic as hell, and I dunno if that’s going to change here. I will say he’s going down a different path this time as he’s now coming to the ring in a pink, feathery cape. I guess this was the gimmick that made him the FCW World Champion. I hope he surprises me, even if his whole apparel seems a little… low budget.

After him is Byron Saxton from Season 4. I can see the potential in him still, I just think he just needs to show he has a more serious side to him that has some focus. He just needs to stop being so goofy.

Coming in now is… Jacob fucking Novak from Season 4?! He fucking sucks! How the hell did this guy get a second chance?! Really? Jacob Novak?... okay. He’s just going to get eliminated first again, but okay.

Finally, we Titus O’Neil from Season 2, which again I’m kind of okay with this. Titus as I recall was also a man who was the first to be eliminated on his season; but as I recall he was getting better just before he got eliminated. Hopefully, this has continued, otherwise, he could end up being one of the first one’s out again.

So Striker explains a lot of the stuff I already explained… then he explains another nugget of stupid! No longer will Rookies compete in challenges for immunity points because there is no immunity. Instead (and I hope to god I misunderstood this) but instead they will compete for “Redemption points”. With these points, you can buy your way out of elimination… Sooooo, basically there’s still immunity? Cause if Lucky Cannon is eliminated, what’s he going to do? Save it for next time? This is just more stupid shit!

Crap, I’m still not even past the 15-minute mark, and I’m approaching page 2! Next, the hosts reveal who the Rookies’ Pros are… and this is next batch of stupid, and pretty much proves WWE doesn’t care about this show anymore.

First up for Darren Young, his Pro is Chavo Guerrero; and I’ll be honest, I burst out laughing. The guy who jobbed repeatedly to Hornswoggle? Really?!... Little did I know, out of this batch, Chavo maybe the best of the litter. He then dares Young to stand out and get noticed… which is kind of ironic, considering I can’t remember the last time I saw Chavo on TV.

For Conor O’Brien we have Vladmir Koslov. What? Really? (This show had me saying “Really?” more than any other show in recent memory) I feel bad for Conor, getting career advice from someone who only has success from in his job by being a sidekick. Koslov proceeds to talk, and it is painful trying to translate it. The Ivan Drago ripoff then proceeds to tell Conor the importance of being himself… Good lord.

For Lucky Cannon we have Tyson Kidd, who I’m shocked that he still has a job. No seriously, I honestly thought he was released or something. He was given a huge bodyguard and US title push… that ended in two weeks. He tells Lucky he’s Lucky to have the best Pro. Kidd, you’re a failure.

Byron Saxton gets Yoshi Tatsu, as I start to wonder if the goal is to get the guys who can’t speak well all on one show. In very bad engrish, he tells Byron to be yourself and relax…I dunno what to say at this point, as Koslov is the only one I recall seeing on a regular basis.

Novak gets JTG, and he “talks jive” and aks Novak “What’s really hood?” The hell does that even mean?! Why are all the losers of the Seasons taking advice from jobbers?!

Finally… and this right here, think this will set the tone for whole season. For Titus O’Neil… HORNSWOGGLE! This didn’t completely piss me off until a certain thing happened. Hornswoggle comes out, and he’s actually kind of dressed up. He got a sports jacket, and he has a mic. He then starts to clear his throat; as I start to think “OMG! He’s going to actually talk!” Finally he’s going to drop that stupid man-child garbage, and talk like a normal human being! No. He starts doing that “Ahhhhhhhhhh ahahahaha!” shit, and I feel like an idiot. For whatever the reason, Titus is actually ecstatic that he landed the Pro he speaks worse English than the Russian, Black, or Japanese stereotypes.

Folks… this is going to be a long season. Striker than kicks everyone out of the ring for the first match of the season: Jacob Novak vs. Darren Young… Somebody please kill me…

OFF TOPIC: Sadly, winning matches this season STILL doesn’t get you points.

JACOB NOVAK VS. DARREN YOUNG

Jacob Novak fucking sucks.

That’s what I relearned watching this match. However, I also learned that Darren Young has to be the favorite to win this Season. He has a lot of TV experience, plus he has the look. Also he cut that gawd awful “Paul from Tekken” hair.

This match though was bad, and started off really awkward. End comes after Darren Young hits that weird looking Full Nelson Facebuster, and Novak sells it badly.

WINNER: Darren Young

Still wanna know why Darren Young is fighting for a chance to win a contract he already has. We cut to the back as Yoshi approaches Maryse in the back. For those who don’t know, on Superstars they’re doing a love triangle storyline between Yoshi/Ted/Maryse. It stems from that one kiss Maryse gave Yoshi back during that kiss cam segment on RAW. He’s about to tell Maryse his feelings, when oh no! Byron Saxton wants to go over strategies on how to win NXT. Maryse leave Yoshi to talk to Saxton, and Yoshi yells at Saxton’s lousy timing. Wow, that was by the numbers…

OFF TOPIC: Why is this show still going?

We come back to a RAW Rebound, which I don’t feel like going over in length. However, I will say that I’m enjoying very much this Rock/Miz/Cena feud, a feud that absolutely has to get Miz over in the end.

We return to a Conor O’Brien package… ewww, let me rephrase… to a Conor O’Brien interview piece. He tells how he thinks the reason that he was eliminated was because he completely hid behind his character… which is true. I’m actually really happy he sees this and hopefully can plan around this. He actually talks about himself, as we found out he lived a pretty harsh life. Hmmmmm… Conor could be a darkhorse for this one.

Up next, WWE decided this show wasn’t painful enough so they threw in an obstacle course… that’s coming up next.

OFF TOPIC: I really hate obstacle courses…

We come back for an advertisement to the reason I’m considering skipping RAW this week, Snooki of Jersey Shore fame is going to guest star… I fucking hate you WWE. Though I am curious if the Bella Twins will hit on her or not.

The WWE then runs a commercial for a movie I’m never gonna see. Next!

CHALLENGE! BOOTCAMP OBSTACLE COURSE!!!

Okay, by now you know how these work. The Rookie races around the ring, doing several obstacles around the ring till they return to the ramp. The man who does this the fastest, wins. The obstacles are:

1. Hop over wall
2. Army net
3. Balance beam
4. Weaving combine
5. Carry loaded duffle bag over finish line

Titus: 29.8
Novak: 24.0, though he cheated across the balance beam by leaning off early. The ref tried to get him to stop, but Novak just ignored him and the ref said “Fuck it.” I NXT refs…
Lucky: Forfeits the competition as he won several of these stupid challenges on season 2 and he still lost. Good point. Lucky reveals his goal for he season is to get Maryse to go with him and dump Ted. Way to pay attention to storylines, idiot.
Conor: 27.1
Young: 23.0

WINNER with 3 Redemption Points: Darren Young

Great night for Young. Like I said, he’s my pick to win NXT this season. They then announce up next… they are going to replay the entire Cole segment on RAW… Really?

We get a video package for Byron Saxton, who has to be one of the odds on favorites to win this as well. If you saw NXT, you’ve seen this promo a trillion times. “Hey I’m Byron Saxton! I’m a cocky SOB who looks and acts like Carlton Banks! Despite the fact that I’m a heel, I act like a goofy face! Hey, how am I a heel again?” I maybe paraphrasing…

OFF TOPIC: Props to my man Brodus Clay, who despite losing is already involved with the Del Rio/Edge feud. It’s the least Del Rio can do after ditching him for so long. And I have to say its funny that after the end of Season 4, Brodus is back on TV, and Curtis has yet to debut.

WWE then makes my recapping duties pretty flipping easy by having the 10-minute Cole segment shown in its entirety for our 50-minute show. I’ll sum this up: Good segment, happy to see JBL again, Stone Cold was cool, and Cole has to get a stunner at Mania.

TITUS O’NEIL VS. LUCKY CANNON

Wasn’t a fan of this match as this felt more like a sloppy indy match than a WWE match. I will admit despite the stupid outfit, I’m happy Lucky Cannon has some kind of character. The pairing with Titus and Hornswoggle seems to also be working as far as getting Titus over.

However, this match sucked. The ending was the perfect end to this premiere as it was stupid. Lucky Cannon is set to hit Titus from the top rope and Hornswoggle runs into the ring, and Kidd tries to get him out. The ref gets in Kidd’s face, pushing him out. Swoggle meanwhile, climbs the rope and pushes Lucky off. That’s right; Lucky Cannon (grown man) was shoved off by a midget. Okay sure, whatever. The guy can travel through holes he paints on walls, so why not? Titus catches him, and hits a Baldo Bomb for the win.

WINNER: Titus O’Neil

The show ends with the faces celebrating their victory that was achieved by cheating. Definitely people our young people can look up too.

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD": William Regal. Don’t get me wrong, he has room to grow in terms of being an announcer, but Regal is great. I love the fact he talks up every wrestler there… though its kind of horrible that that is the thing that sets him apart from other wrestlers. But he is good… he actually had me convinced Lucky f’ing Cannon had a shot at winning this contest!

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: The fact that 2/3 of the Pros can’t fucking cut a promo that makes sense.

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: Why is Darren Young competing for a job he already has!?!?

Twitter: @NotintheMiddle
Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).