Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


by Malcolm Not in the Middle

March 1, 2011

Hello people and welcome to the rant. My apologies for the lateness, but lets just say I’ve been at war with the Flu that has been going on for a while. I’ve just now regained the ability to sit in front of a computer screen for long enough to write a rant. Just a heads up, this one will be a little quick, just to have this ready for the website.

We get a video package for this thing, which highlights all the Rookies. My favorite part of this video is a shot of all the rookies giving the four horsemen symbol. Yes, I know they were doing this because its season 4, but its still funny.

I just want to say something, and that’s Curtis cannot win this. Number one, this sends the message that once and for all, if you are a heel you cannot win this show. Brodus thus far has been the clear-cut obvious choice since day one. He can wrestle, and (this was the big shocker for me) he can cut a nice promo! Curtis, I suppose isn’t bad as a wrestler, but he has no personality. And his promos suck, as he rarely even talks about the subject at hand, he just caters to his audience in his promos. I’m not kidding, there was literally one promo where he was supposed to trash talk the other Rookies, but he didn’t. All he did was talk up the town they were in. He’s won competitions for doing this! And sadly, he’s in the finals. And people won’t see how bland this dude really is until he wins. Also, Rookies copy other Rookies who win. Meaning expect more Rookies to copy his methods in future seasons.

So we get our default opening, with the Pros still introducing their Rookies. For those of you who are wondering… no, Del Rio is still not wasting his time with this show. Kudos to Brodus Clay; for making it this far with no Pro. As well as Alberto, we have a few other Rookies who are not here, including: Dolph Ziggler (fired in storyline), Ted Dibiase, or Vickie. This, for those that care, marks the first time Truth has sung to ring. Since the focus was Curtis, he didn’t get all of it, but you could tell he’s been dying to do this, poor sap.

Just a matter of opinion, but Brodus needs to lose that mohawk. It just looks out of place.

Striker is in there to get the Rookies thoughts on the other before we get to the end of this competition. Curtis starts off by saying he’s not going to bash Brodus, but ends with he’s going to kick Brodus’ teeth down his throat. Huh? Curtis also rewrites history a bit by going on about how Brodus has been suckerpunching him this entire competition. What? Keep in mind this is the same Curtis, who for at least two promo challenges, his entry was punching Brodus in the face. Sad part is? He actually won at least one of those competitions thanks to that. I think that clothesline last week was actually Brodus’ first attack. Yes, there was that time Brodus took out everyone else in the competition, but that was hardly a sneak attack.

Brodus gets the stick, and he plays the heel so well. Even making a Lebron James reference in Cleveland. But that’s not what impressed me. During this promo, he really built up Curtis. Going on about how “when he looked everyone else, they flinched. But when he looked at Curtis, he just stared right back at him.” There was also a line that if they were in any other business but wrestling, they’d probably be friends. It was just really good stuff. Small spoiler, but all of Brodus’ promos were fantastic tonight.

Anyway, this sets us up rather nicely for Brodus vs. Curtis, the final encounter!


This was a very good match. Brodus really looked strong here, which makes sense as he only lost the triple threat match because Bateman and Curtis doubleteamed him throughout the entire match. So Brodus looked really strong here as he manhandled Curtis. Plus Brodus is really getting better at moving around the ring, and getting an impressive moveset.

Curtis didn’t look weak here; he just looked like a guy being pitted against someone who was bigger than he was. He looked resilient, and even fought out of a few finishers… I just noticed Brodus has like 3 finishers. He has that Tongan Deathgrip Slam, the Running Powerslam, and the Big Splash. Also, I noticed that Curtis likes to scream “AAAAAAAAHHHH!“ a lot.

End comes as Curtis is thrown from the top rope and Brodus hits finisher number 3 for the win.

WINNER: Brodus Clay

Good match like I said, I wouldn’t mind this feud making it to one of the major shows. But I am really happy that Brodus got the win here. I’d say this competition in general has done a great job in making Brodus look impressive. I believe he even has the record for most Pro’s beaten as well. (Dibiase and Truth.)

We get one final Derrick Bateman and Daniel Bryan backstage segment, where we learn that Derrick Bateman will team up with Connor O’Brien to take on Jacob Novak and Byron Saxton…. Um, yay? Daniel Bryan is here not to wish him luck, but rather to keep his word about punching him in the face. Daniel tries to counter this by putting on glasses (Old joke that I appreciate) but Daniel decks him anyway. He then tells Derrick to rip his opponents apart for him, America, and Cleveland. This is where I realized that this is Derrick’s hometown. Which makes sense, as every time Brodus and Curtis were up there, people were chanting for Bateman. Perhaps having the last show take place in an eliminated Rookies hometown is a bad idea?

We then get a replay of the Rocks 10-minute promo in our 50-minute show (which contains 10 minutes of wrestling… no seriously). Have to say…. Thus far, this feud really isn’t fair. I’m sorry, while that rap Cena did a few weeks ago was good, Rock is killing Cena. KILLING HIM. I don’t care what the norm is now, but you can’t do a 5-minute promo to counter Rock’s 10-20 minute promos. Doesn’t work, and Cena is looking really bad. If this keeps up, Cena’s only chance to one up Rock is to drop 20 chairs on him.

Time for a tag match!


Match was…. Okay, I guess. The real focus was the eventual tag to Bateman, which was built up nicely. Bateman goes nuts, and cleans house. Byron tries to get a tag, only for Novak to just leave… for whatever the reason. Bateman then reveals his new finisher, that I’m calling the TDD . For the move, you grab your opponent like you’re going for a bulldog, but you fall forward and drive the man’s head into the mat. Kinda like a DDT, except the positioning is different. Get it? DDT, TDD?

WINNER: Derrick & Connor

So good for Bateman, I hope he gets signed to the WWE, as we need tag teams. If I was a betting man, I bet Sheamus will kill him backstage at some point to set up Bryan and Sheamus at Mania. Because Bryan being out for revenge is the only way I’d buy Sheamus getting a US Title shot at this point.

We get a RAW Rebound from the main event last night… in which I have to say congrats to Alex Riley, who took a step towards being a real superstar on RAW. I mean, did you ever think that an NXT Rookie (Not named Wade Barrett) would be main eventing a Monday Night Raw with John Cena? Granted he lost in the end, but what do you expect? It’s John Cena after all. Where does he go from here? Probably Smackdown, maybe he can take out Kofi? Bout time he lost that strap, I tell ya.

We then get HBK’s take on Taker vs. HHH. Give it a watch, it’s actually a nice analysis on his part. I don’t have too much to say here, as it’s the one match on the card that everyone knows will be epic. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

We are at the elimination point in the show, as we will crown the winner of NXT. Striker takes this time to thank the Pros for all the help they gave their Rookies over the course of the show… yeah, okay. Thanks you Dolph Ziggler, for heckling the Rookies during their matches and segments, thus making the WWE Universe think of them as jokes. Thanks Alberto Del Rio for completely ditching your Rookie in the pursuit of your own goals. Thank you Ted Dibiase for really not giving a shit about your Rookie since the beginning. Thanks Masters for using this show to put yourself over by beating other Rookies constantly. Thanks R Truth for once again being completely useless as a mentor. Yeah, these Pros were amazing this year.

Drumroll, and the next breakout star is…. Oh, fuck this show.

Character Retrospective: Brodus Clay

BEGINNING: Stood out from the get go. I was really concerned he’d be Eli Cottonwood version 2, as big guys tend to lack the ability to talk. Not Brodus. In fact, he’s better at cutting promos than most of the Pros! He was seriously good, and to honest, he was my pick to win this competition.

NOW: I’m disappointed more than anything. Season 4 of NXT has made it abundantly clear that it’s impossible for a heel to win this competition. Brodus is better than Curtis in pretty much everyway. Curtis won not because he was the better wrestler but because he played up to the crowd. I feel ticked for Brodus, but I feel embarrassed to be a wrestling fan right now as this was a choice made by us.

FUTURE: If Brodus isn’t on the main roster by a little after Mania, it’s a crime. But I think Brodus’ future, especially after tonight, is set in the WWE. Keep an eye on him, because I see big things coming from this big man.

Curtis is in tears, and Brodus of course looks defeated. Truth points out the tears in Curtis eyes, probably to remind the crowd what real emotion looks like on a wrestler. When given the mic, he actually goes to Brodus and extends his hand. Brodus, perhaps breaking character just a bit, shakes it and they embrace. Maybe out of character for both, but it fits this situation, which has never been as emotional as it should be. Curtis cuts a nice little thanking everyone who believed in him, even saying what’s up to his father (which thankfully didn’t queue a rap from Truth). While I don’t agree with the decision, I will give credit to Curtis for making this an emotional moment. I mean for christ’s sake, this is supposed to be the winner achieving his dreams, its okay to cry.

Then Brodus gets the mic… and I was not ready for how awesome this promo was. This was great, I want Brodus to main event after this. He gets the mic and (rightfully) blames the WWE Universe for stealing his dream. He then threatens all of them, and promises to “take away all our heroes”. OMG! The heat Brodus gets for this promo is incredible. Brodus is ready to be on the main roster.

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD": The last final segment. The sheer emotion of it and the promo done by Brodus, made this segment the best close to a season in a long time.

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: Matt Striker thanking the Pro’s for their “Hard Work”.


Twitter: @NotintheMiddle
Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

Send Feedback to Malcolm Not in the Middle

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).