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NXT 3/23 Rant

           

Okay, enough. Enough haircuts, enough doctors’ appointments, enough mundane activity. These rants are coming in ON TIME, and you can put money in that.

          

It’s the last NXT before Wrestlemania, so don’t be surprised if nothing important happens tonight. In addition, next week is our mysterious “voting”, which I am hoping we will get some more information about today.  It seems our first match is a rookies vs. rookies tag match.

 

Heath Slater (3-0) and Justin Gabriel (3-1) with Christian vs. Wade Barrett (2-1) and Skip Sheffield (0-2) with William Regal

           

We start with the Americans, Slater vs. Skip. Slater oversells the offense considerably before both tag their respective partners into the match. Gabriel goes to work with a series of kicks, but Barrett catches him with a flapjack. From there, Barrett hits him with a shoulder block, then a gut-buster. He tags in Sheffield, who hits a delayed front face suplex for 2. He then hits “The Flair Walk Splash” for another 2. He and Barrett make some quick tags to continue to work on Gabriel, who manages to escape Skip and tag in Heath Slater.

           

Slater hits a neck-breaker and clotheslines on Sheffield, who manages to catch him mid-crossbody, but Slater slips out. Barrett gets in the ring and attempts to hit Slater with the Big Boot, but Slater ducks and he floors Sheffield instead. Gabriel clotheslines Barrett out of the ring, and Heath gets the pin.

           

Winners: Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel

           

Further Notes: A short, average match. No one really stood out at all, but there was nothing wrong with it.

           

We get a preview for our main event, which is the remaining rookies (Daniel Brian and Michael Tarver vs. Darren Young and David Otunga) in a tag match. Wait…if all the rookies are in these two matches, how will they fill the rest of the time? I’ll have my answer after the break.

           

…Ah. The answer to the above question is not one, not two, but EIGHT video packages. For convenience sake, here they are, in a handy-dandy list

  • Daniel Brian Package (repeat)
  • Wrestlemania Package (repeat)
  • Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker Package
  • Smackdown Preview
  • Darren Young Package (repeat)
  • Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon Package

At this point, there was a commercial break.

  • Wrestlemania 21 Flashback
  • John Cena vs. Batista Package.
Oh, yes. I’m not kidding. There’s about 15 minutes left for our main event.
 
Daniel Brian (0-4) and Michael Tarver (0-2) with Carlito vs. Darren Young (2-1) and David Otunga (2-1) with Straight-Edge Society
 
Strangely, the screen said Tarver was 1-1, not 0-2. Before the match, we get a NINTH video package showing The Miz and David Otunga at some red-carpet event where a bunch of stars of SyFy shows were. Then, to rub salt in the wound, we go straight to break.
 
Aaand we’re back with Daniel Brian vs. David Otunga. Otunga puts Brian in the head scissors, but Brian escapes and hits a dropkick before tagging in Michael Tarver. Tarver and Otunga trade punches, and Otunga manages to tag in Young. Tarver again gets the upper hand, but Luke Gallows attempts to trip him from the outside. Tarver leaves the ring to scream at The Artist Formerly Known as Festus, and Young tries to capitalize with an out-of-ring dropkick. Tarver manages to dodge and deck Young with a right hand. 1.9 seconds later, we’re at commercials.
 
We get a TENTH (ARGH) video package, this one being Chris Jericho vs Edge, and then we get back.
 
Brian Daniel hits a dropkick on Darren Young almost immediately, then tags in Tarver. Young manages to tangle him up on the ropes, and then hit a neckbreaker. He tags in Otunga, who bodyslams Tarver. Tarver responds with a stiff right hand and a tag to Daniel Brian. Brian hits a Snapmare and a series of kicks to Otunga’s back. Otunga gets away and tags in Young, but Brian puts him into a guillotine choke. He takes him down and transitions into a Crossface. Young gets the ropes and Brian crossbodies him the second he gets up, knocking both of them down. Tarver leaves the apron to continue to have a screaming match with Gallows, not noticing Brian needs a tag. Young actually manages the tag, and Otunga charges at Daniel. He moves, and Otunga collides with a repositioned Michael Tarver. Brian goes up for the missile dropkick, but Otunga dodges and hits the Uranage for the win.
 
Winners: David Otunga and Darren Young
 
Further Notes: Significantly more interesting and fast-paced than the last match, despite being a filler match. Daniel Brian really shone this week.
 
Final Thoughts: THUMBS DOWN. I’m sorry, but I’m fairly certain TEN video packages is a new record or something. I understand why this show was filler, but seriously, give us something! An interview, perhaps, or some match between pros. I really don’t care, just something besides video packages
 
Show MVP: Daniel Brian. He really stood out in his tag match, although that’s to be expected considering who else was in that match.
 
Show LVP: Hmm. A bit tougher, so I’m going to choose randomly and say Darren Young. He wasn’t terrible, just very bland. And I think his hair makes him look like a troll doll.
 
Quote of the Show:
      Josh: “Daniel Brian has faced tougher opponents than any other rookie. He faced World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho and The Great Khali!”
      Cole: “Yes, but Heath Slater has faced Carlito.”
      Josh: “…”

           

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).