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WWE NXT RANT

by Malcolm Not in the Middle

February 23, 2011


Hey guys and welcome to another edition of the Rant. So did any of you check out the Canadian Bacon's review of WWE Elimination chamber? No? Well, that's fine; I'll just post it here for ya:

"It was p. good. I liked it.

Thanks for reading."

No seriously, that was it. I didn't see the humor in it, but apparently everyone thinks it's awesome. You know what its like? Remember that scene in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby where Sacha Baron Cohen's character goes to challenge Will Ferrell's character, John C Reilly says "Shake and Bake!" at him and everyone acts like it's a huge insult, but Sacha has no idea what the comment means? It's kinda like that.

I will tell you something, I've never offered to cover a PPV mainly because my reports aren't that descriptive as it is. Really you're just getting my thoughts on something. I always thought you needed to be in-depth like Cameron Burge to cover PPV. But apparently not, so next time, I'll be more up open to cover an event. Depends on the bosses, so we'll see.

Show opens up strangely enough with just a center shot of the ring and the referees just standing there… okay. The show then actually starts with Curtis and Truth. Truth warns Curtis that the theme for tonight's show is that the Pro's are taking the night off. Curtis seems pretty unaffected by this, probably because Truth has done little to nothing to help Curtis since this competition started.

We cut to Mankind's boiler room with Brodus and Ricardo Rodriguez as he tells him the same thing, and that Del Rio won't be- okay seriously? Del Rio hasn't been on this show since Brodus won him! He has done NOTHING for Brodus. How is this really handicapping Brodus? I have yet to even seem them on the same screen together since that night!

We cut then to Daniel Bryan and Derrick Bateman lying on the floor, in what I believe is supposed to be a spoof on Brokeback Mountain. After Bryan offers to rub his ankles (Yeah Brokeback), he threatens to punch Derrick in the face if he is eliminated. No seriously. Derrick responds by putting on a cowboy hat and telling him its time to cowboy up. I will say this about Bateman and Bryan, at least they played up their whole relationship enough that Bryan being absent actually means something.

After the really old theme music, we get our default opening, with all the Rookies on the stage. Striker tells us some interesting things; such as the finale is next week. Will I continue to recap NXT for TWF? Stay tuned… Also, Bateman and Curtis have a chance to surpass Brodus tonight (Who leads 5 to 0) if they can win each competition, which are all worth 3 points tonight. They start tonight… with the single dumbest challenge they have ever put together. Before I continue, I want you to think back on past NXT's. Remember in season 1 when they had to sell magazines? Remember in Season 3 when they had to unwrap all the wedding gifts to find the flag? This… THIS IS THE DUMBEST COMPETITION EVER!

CHALLENGE! GRACE UNDER PRESSURE!!!

It's an obstacle course made up of 4 challenges around the ring, which are:

  1. They stand at one edge of a long rectangular table with five cups on one end, and a box of ping-pong balls on the other end. To complete this task, they have to bounce or throw a ping-pong ball into one of the cups.

  2. On the next end of the ring, is a box of building blocks, no seriously. On a table is a picture of a building made of those same blocks. They have to recreate this pattern with the blocks. I believe this is where the crowd started booing pretty heavily. Fools. They didn't seriously think they'd see wrestling at a WWE show, did they?

  3. Another table with a stack of cups. This time they have to grab one, lean it on the edge of the table, hit it from underneath, and have it land bottoms up.

  4. Finally, on a table are six dice arranged 6-1. With a pair of chopsticks, they have to arrange the dice from 1-6.

Yeah… come on everyone. Say it with me at home:

FUCK…THIS… SHOW~!

Really WWE? Can you go one bloody week without insulting my intelligence? Honestly, I really don't need to shit on this challenge; it practically shits itself. Even the crowd, which is normally fairly accepting of these challenges, boo'd before Striker even finished with his description! BTW, hour-long wrestling show, and only one wrestling match in it. At this rate, it won't be too long before they save the actual matches for PPV.

Anyway, who won?

CURTIS: Finished with a 1:19. A lot of it was luck, especially getting the first challenge done in one shot.

BATEMAN: Epicly fails this competition and quits.

BRODUS: Fails too. I'll give him points for some great outside the box thinking, like throwing 5 balls to get one in the cups for the first challenge, and grabbing the table and turning it around for the last one.

So Curtis gets 3 points, whoopee. I swear to god, if he gets immunity this week… We are shown the graphic for the obligatory triple threat between the final three wrestlers, which is coming up next.

OFF TOPIC: I have to say, if you haven't yet, you should check out Halo's rant.

It's actually really enjoyable, and considering what she's reviewing, that's a testament to her abilities.

BRODUS CLAY vs. DERRICK BATEMAN vs. JOHNNY CURTIS

I'll go on record and say this was best triple threat on NXT out of all the previous seasons. These guys put on a very entertaining wrestling match amidst a crowd that was expecting them to suck. Everyone got a cool moment in the match, and looked cool. Brodus controlled a large chunk of the match and looked looked deadly, and was beaten back only because Bateman and Curtis had to double team him. Curtis actually showed a lot of his ariel skills, and Bateman showed he could take a beating.

Brodus was really dominant in this match. So much so that the first half was basically Brodus fighting both of them by himself. Also Brodus showed he could take a bump as well, as this segment ends with him being double clotheslined out and over. After a suicide dive from Bateman, and a senton by Curtis, we cut to commercial.

OFF TOPIC: BTW, don't listen Bacon, Elimination Chamber fucking sucked.

We're back, and Bateman and Curtis are actually wrestling each other as we return least till Brodus gets in there. He nails both of them with so many suplexes in this match, that he actually lives up to that "Suplex Machine" gimmick… though he still does only the Gargoyle. I wish he'd pick up some more variations. However, he does introduce a new move in his arsenal; the Umaga Hip Attack. And the crowd really does eat this up… but then again, they're in his hometown.

End comes as Bateman interrupts a suplex attempt by Brodus, and he and Curtis hit Brodus with a double suplex. Curtis then turns on Bateman, and hits him with a Falcon Arrow onto Brodus. He then rolls up Bateman for the win!

WINNER: Johnny Curtis

Really good match, and worth a watch. Anyway, we are reminded again that one of them is going home as we head to commercials.

OFF TOPIC: … Seriously though. A PPV Rant that's 3-4 incomplete sentences long?

RAW REBOUND: Replay Cena's response to the Rock… which was awesome. Cena hit everything I wanted him to hit to make this angle great and make sense. Plus, Cena's battle raps are fantastic as they are as legit as CM Punk's straight edgeness.

CHALLENGE! TALK THE TALK!!!

WINNER: Brodus Clay

Sorry, not reviewing it. See while the Triple Threat match was the best in NXT's short history, this was the worst promo challenge ever! In this challenge, you're supposed to talk trash about the other two opponents. This is usually one of my favorite challenges as its one of the few to have something to do with wrestling! However, these guys never did any of that. Once again, season 4 is where the contestants found the hole in the "The judges are the WWE Universe!" rule, in that as long as they cheer for you, you win. So in this competition, they don't talk about each other, they just circle jerk the crowd the whole time. Seriously, they may as well rename this one "Cheap Pop". Brodus won simply because this is his hometown.

So a heel won a fan judged competition… feel free to ask Halo if that is a sign of the Apocalypse.

OFF TOPIC: So who's ready for Cole vs. Lawler?!? That match has 5 Stars written all over it!

We're back, and its elimination time. Alright, let's get this out of… No way. Seriously? You gotta be kidding me, right?

Character Retrospective: Derrick Bateman

BEGINNING: Knew he'd do well in this contest. He played up to the crowd well, and wasn't a bad wrestler. And as I've said, I really loved how he was really the only one to get a cool relationship with his Pro. Due to the chemistry of Bryan and Bateman… I honestly thought they were a lock to win.

NOW: I'm in shock. On the replay, you have to see Curtis' face, as even he was shocked that he was voted for over Bateman. Maybe everyone decided to vote for Brodus, thinking he needed the votes more, and forgot about Bateman? I dunno, but I can't believe he's not in the final two.

FUTURE: It's a really big mistake on WWE's part if they don't have him and Bryan continue to team up. They are a very funny together, and should remain together in some capacity (especially considering the lack of tag teams in WWE).

Derrick is in shock but promises he will return as he heads off in the sunset. And no, Bryan didn't appear out of nowhere, and make good on his word to punch him in the face. Then Brodus clotheslined Curtis outta nowhere, and told him he'd see him in Cleveland to close us out.

Really people? You voted for Curtis? Well, its time to vote. Are we going to tell WWE we're morons who will blindly cheer and give a man a contract because he said "Your Hometown rules!" Or you going with the complete wrestler? Folks, please send WWE the right message about where our interests lie. Vote for wrestling. Vote for Brodus Clay.

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD":  The Triple Threat Match was awesome, hands down.

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE REESE AWARD":  Whoever thought up that "Grace under Pressure" challenge should be fired. Also to all the Rookies for fucking up my favorite challenge.

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE FRANCIS AWARD":  Derrick Bateman getting the ax. So that means it'll either be Truth/Curtis or Alberto/Brodus going for the belts? Lame.

Twitter: @NotintheMiddle

Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).