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WWE NXT RANT

by Malcolm Not in the Middle

February 15, 2011


Hey guys and welcome to the rant, and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST HOW AWESOME WAS THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES OF RAW?!?!?!? Oh my god, thank you Rock. Thank you for reminding me of a time when wrestling wasn't Bullshit Leprechauns, Five Moves of Doom, and I wasn't embarrassed to be a fan. Thank you so much for making me look forward to the next 5-6 weeks of RAW.

So as everyone knows… The Rock is back. The Rock is back, and it is good. Now, of course, is when we IWC members start to drool about the possibilities. Imagine what a war of words between him and The Miz, Cena, or even Punk? Imagine him kicking Orton's ass (Can't figure out why he would, but it would just be awesome)?

However, as assume as it all was, there were some things I didn't like. Yes, I'm the one fan on earth that could find anything to crap on this awesomeness. Don't get me wrong… it was a fantastic moment. However, a few things do bother me… and those bits will be the point of this week's OFF TOPIC.

If there was an opening graphic, I apologize but I missed it as the feed started off terribly. Thankfully it kicked back in at the time for that kickass theme music (sarcasm) to start. Just to recap (as that is my job), we are down to the final 3 contenders. Now this will be an interesting way to see where the audience's interests lie:

  1. Will they go with the guy who solely plays to the crowd?

  2. Will they go who plays to the crowd, and is a decent wrestler?

  3. Will they go with the guy who is a good wrestler, and has a great gimmick already?

Is it horrible that I think the wrestler (#3) has no chance in this wrestling competition? Anyway, still standing here in San Deigo, CA. They didn't waste anytime as we jump right into another challenge!

CHALLENGE! SMASH & GRAB CHALLENGE!!!

So here's the challenge, and I swear to god I'm not making this up. The Rookies take turns getting blindfolded and hitting a piñata in the ring. Yes, seriously a piñata, and their Pro's can give them "advice" on how to hit the piñata. When the piñata breaks, they release a huge wad of cash. The Rookie then must gather as much money as they can (They have like 40 seconds to do all this) and bring it to their Pro up the ramp. Oh boy, this is going to be one of those shows…

CURTIS: R-Truth's advice in this contest is great:

"SWING! SWING! SWING! BAM! WALK UP! BEHIND YOU! SWING! SWING! JOHNNY WALK UP!"

Imagine that for 40 seconds or so, and you have this segment. Curtis must have never been invited to a birthday party growing up, because he can't break a piñata to save his life. He's swung for like 30 seconds or so, with Truth being annoying. At one point he even takes of his blindfold and starts yelling at Truth. There is some controversy by Striker who asks who "IS he DQ'ed, ref?" The ref gets his stupid quota in by saying "Naw just keep going." Curtis fails and gets nothing.

BRODUS: Kills the piñata in one swing. It was ridiculous how powerful he is. Brodus takes his time just gathering the money, and saunters up to Richardo Rodriguez. Yes, that's is correct, Alberto can appear on both Smackdown and RAW… but can't bother to help his Rookie. Not since Ernie Brannigan have I seen a Rookie so left on his own.

Anyway, Brodus earns $4800.

BATEMAN: Mercilessly, gets himself DQ'ed by just grabbing and ripping the piñata apart. Yup, I guess he was never invited to a party either.

So anyway Brodus gets 2 points towards Immunity…. You know, given how much trouble the other two had, you'd think he'd get 4 points for it. Anyway, Brodus has a match next against… R Truth. Damn it, do they have to job Brodus out?

OFF TOPIC: As awesome as it was to hear Rock rip Cena apart… thanks to this promo, I don't wanna see Miz/Cena anymore. Now I want to see Rock vs. Cena in the worst way. And I know for a fact that WWE is not going give me this… this saddens me. Chances are we are going to get Cena vs. The Miz with The Rock as the special guest ref… lame.

BRODUS CLAY VS. T-TRUTH

Jobber entrances given to both guys. Damn WWE, Truth makes one mistake, and you don't want to even want to show his entrance anymore? So Alberto Del Rio is officially off the show, which is kinda stupid, but whatever. Humorously enough, Brodus may win regardless.

Decent back and forth here. R Truth uses his usual flippy McMoveset, and Brodus does a great job being "the Big Man"; including a sweet Gargoyle suplex. Anyway, end comes when R Truth goes for a top rope dropkick, which Brodus sidesteps. Brodus bounces off the ropes and splashes him… FOR THE WIN!?!?

WINNER: Brodus Clay

Holy shit! That's like the second Pro that Brodus has beaten! See, this is what they should have been doing from the beginning with NXT. You want me to believe that one of these guys is going to be "The Next Breakout Star", you need to show me they can stand up to the "Pros". Having them job to Chris Masters, when Chris can beat absolutely no one on the roster, doesn't do that. So great choice here.

However, this is clearly punishment for the "Green Bay" incident. Having him job out to a Rookie going into the chamber is pretty interesting. I don't believe he's going to be future endeavored… but I'd be surprised to hear "What's Up?" sung for a little while.

Announced for later tonight however is Derrick Bateman vs. Daniel Bryan… What? Really?

OFF TOPIC: At one part of the promo, where he's thanking the fans, he says he's back, and he's never leaving again. This pissed me off because for 2 seconds… I thought the Rock was announcing he had officially returned to wrestling.

Feed is really crappy this week, as the blasted video keeps pausing and going. Anyway, we are on to our last challenge of the night. It's a challenge so ridiculous that I think Russo sent this in. Okay check this out: All three Rookies are sitting on stools in the middle of kiddie pools. They then play Jeopardy with all wrestling subjects like 80's, 90's, Wrestlemania, and so forth. Dude, with the most points wins (duh) and losers…. Get slimed. That's right!

CHALLENGE! YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON NXT!!!

Sorry, but no in-depth recap of this. Questions were way too flipping long. Sides that; they were only two things of note:

Anywho, Brodus wins, and gets a whooping 5-0-0 against the others in terms of immunity. Not that it matters, as I'm sure there will be a 6-point challenge for next week's show.

Josh Matthews shows why he's a failure now as Todd tries build up whats coming up next, and Josh responds with "Who cares?" Josh, I know show sucks, but your not supposed to agree. That's broadcasting 101 isn't it? Don't diss your own show? Cole could do it cause he honestly had better shows to do… you show up on RAW when Lawler has other things to do. Idiot.

OFF TOPIC: "I Bring it"? The hell's that even mean? Yeah, I'm nitpicking.

We come back and we look back at The Rock's promo. I can try to recap it, but there's no way anyone could do it justice. YouTube, it'll be the best 20 minutes of wrestling that you've had in a while.

OFF TOPIC: So who the hell was that woman? Its really bugging me!

DANIEL BRYAN VS. DERRICK BATEMAN

I really enjoyed this match. No seriously, least the concept of it. I've really enjoyed the Bateman/Bryan pairing. They remain the only pair that understands how a Pro and Rookie pairing should be. I really have to applaud Bateman especially, whose added a bit of Bryan's moveset (including his finisher) into his own. Thus giving the impression that he's actually learning something from his Pro! AWESOME!

OFF TOPIC: In all due seriousness… It was the most awesome moment in wrestling in a long time. Given the fact that Wrestlemania is almost here, and we have the chance for potentially more awesome moments… this is an exciting time to be a fan.

I won't lie; Bateman F's up a few spots; but he does really good, and I gained a new respect for Bateman here. Especially after taking so many of Bryan's stiff ass kicks! Some of the spots were actually pretty good, such as Bateman countering Bryan's LaBell Lock attempt with a powerbomb. Thing I love about Bryan, he understands why his opponent needs to look just as cool as he does.

End comes when Derrick tries for the LaBell Lock and almost gets it. However, Bryan Rolls thru and reverses it to a LaBell Lock of his own for the tapout!

WINNER: Daniel Bryan

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD":  Tie between Brodus beating another Pro; and the Bryan/Bateman match.

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE REESE AWARD":  Curtis and Derrick both jobs to piñatas.

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE FRANCIS AWARD":  A challenge where the losers get slimed? Really?

Twitter: @NotintheMiddle

Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).