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by Malcolm Not in the Middle

January 25, 2011

Hey guys, and welcome to another edition of the rant. Before we head into the rant, just a little disclaimer. Last week, I promised my picks for the Fanny Awards as a special add-on. Well good news and bad news about that. Bad news, there will be no picks at the end of this article. The good news, however, is that thanks to the hard work of Catherine Perez and Sean Carless (Who basically stayed up all night rewriting the entire page just so I could be on there. Once again, thanks again for everything) I am now in the Fannies. So if you're really curious to see my picks, check out my picks here!

Oh! Hell froze over the other day. How do I know this? Cause I saw Legendary. Yeah yeah, I know but cut me some slack here. I had a seizure, and I was bedridden. Now I'm not going to lie to you, the movie is a piece of shit. The thing is the movie is sooo… cliché. Just everything about it, from the story of the young kid not giving up on his family to the over eccentric mom who pisses everyone off yet wonders why most people want nothing to do with her. Danny Glover is in this movie for like 5 minutes (Cause I gather that's how long they could afford to have him in there for). Plus the story is boring and predictable. In the end, it just comes off as annoying as you can predict everything except the ending, where the kid loses the big tournament at the end… oh, spoilers. Really though, I just saved you some time as the fact the kid loses just pissed me off. So after that lame ass story, you're going to deny me the "happy ending" too? Go fuck yourself.

All in all, it wasn't the most terrible movie I've ever seen. In fact, and here's the thing I hate to admit… Cena ain't bad. In fact, I'll go as far to say he's a decent actor. As much as "SuperCena" gets on my nerves, he was really good. So good, I'm going to give him some advice… get the hell away from WWE movies. Cena's been good, and that's despite the fact that he's in a WWE film. I'm curious to see how he is… in an average movie. Don't count on WWE letting him do that though, as last two people they let do that were Austin and Rock, and they don't wrestle no more. But once again, Cena could be a good actor… WWE better be careful.

Curious to see if anything interesting happens this week, but something tells me WWE is going to be focusing on the Royal Rumble (And why the hell wouldn't they?) We'll see what happens… We start the show off in the classic default sense… a word of warning, the feed from wwe.com kept crashing, so I only could see so much. Despite this fact, I have to say this was one of the best episodes of NXT that I've ever watched! (Get it? Because I didn't see a lot of it? Oh nevermind….) We are threatened with two Rookie challenges (even though one is just a match :P) tonight. The match in question is actually a Fatal Fourway, with the winner of this match getting the right to swap Pro's. All right NXT, you have my interest.

But before that, Striker shows us a "totally hidden video" of the locker room, more specifically Bryan and Bateman's locker room. Long story short, the film reveals that Bryan and Bateman cheated in last week's "How well do you know your Rookie?" I have to say, I dunno wants sadder; the ludicrous lengths Bateman goes to be… well, ludicrous; or the fact that WWE felt we needed video evidence to know that Bateman cheated! Anyway, as a result of this, he has to play this next challenge with a handicap… so really it was worth it.


Striker explained the rules here:

1) Each Rookie (Except Bateman who has 20 seconds) has 30 seconds to answer as many questions as they can.
2) Winner gets 2 Immunity Points
3) If they beat the Fink, who will play as well, they get 2 more points.

Out comes Fink, loud ovation, blah blah blah. Anyway here's the thing… Striker took forever to read the questions, like seven seconds per. Plus, the Rookies and Fink actually waited till he was finished to answer. As a result, some low scores for this one. Also, my apologies, but I could not keep up with Striker with the questions, so no, I didn't write down all the questions for the review.

1) The Fink gets 2 points. That score doesn't sound too bad does it? Completely beatable, huh?
2) Johnny Curtis, who is really not liked in this town, gets 1 point.
3) Derrick Bateman also gets 1 point.

4) Brodus Clay is screwed. He only gets 1 point, however I remember one of his questions being "What kind of match did Triple H and Cactus Jack have at the Royal Rumble?" Brodus guessed No Holds Barred, and gets it wrong. The answer is Street Fight… I say Brodus was robbed because as anyone in the IWC would know… THERE IS NO FLIPPING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO!

WINNER: The Fink

So Fink wins, good for him. Maybe he'll be able to stick around in the WWE and keep that dream of his alive for another 30 years? Commercials!

OFF TOPIC: So only one of you plays DCUO? Color me disappointed.

We are back, and lookey here, a match! Ted will take on Bryan in a Pro vs. Pro match, or as its called a regular match. Before the start of the match, they replay that whole thing with the Bellas/Gail Kim/Bryan. First of all, thank Christ they finally thought of something for Gail Kim to do. I don't care if its just being Bryan's valet, you know what she was doing? Not being tagged into tag matches, that's what! Plus kudos to her for that crack about the Bellas never being the same since they stopped having guest hosts. Though I have to ask, how come he never mentioned Gail Kim while on the double date? Or when he was being kissed by Bellas? Fucking WWE, and continuity.


Now if there was ever any wonder, especially with Ted doing the fine stretch of jobbing that he has been, as to why Ted has a job… You need to check this match out. To say these two put on a clinic is an understatement, as this is actually a pretty decent match. You see everything, from the test of strength to modified surfboards. Honestly, kudos to both guys here.

OFF TOPIC: Thanks to that same reader; I bought Mass Effect 2 to give this "Game of the Year" a shot. We'll see if 12,000,000 people can be wrong.

You know what the awful thing is? These guys wrestle a clinic, but WWE announcers have no idea how to call it. So what do they do? Fawn over Maryse…

BTW, how much you wanna bet the whole "Gail Kim/Daniel Bryan" thing is dropped? Honestly, and as happy as I was to see Gail Kim doing something, Creative may have just written that whole thing as a way to end this angle, as let's face it, what the hell can of pay off can anyone expect?

OFF TOPIC: Also Got Dead Space 2, which is suffering from a fucking awful ad campaign. It's the most graphic and disturbing video game on the planet… and the best the could come up with is "Boy your mom sure won't like this game!"

Here's the thing, while this match is good, I could careless about Ted Dibiase. The end result is I could give two shits about this outcome. Hell, even Maryse could give two shits, and she's Ted's valet!

Interesting thing about this match is Dolph Ziggler MSTing this match. Him and Truth even get into a mic war over cheering or booing Daniel Bryan (because even heels want nothing to do with Ted Dibiase). Some of my favorite Dolph quotes are:

On Bryan's diet: "Maybe if he didn't just eat plants, he'd be stronger."

On Bryan's matches: "You're really good at almost winning!"

BTW, I have to ask why are we having a Pro vs. Pro match? Seriously, this match does none of the Rookies any favors. I digress, end comes as Ted Dibiase blocks a Daniel's suicide dive by punching him in face, a move that I have to think was supposed to make Ted look cool. Ted follows up with Dream Street…. For the win!?

WINNER: Ted Dibiase

Seriously? We're going to build up to ANOTHER Dibiase/Bryan match?

OFF TOPIC: Also on my to get list is a game ten years in the making… and fuck you, no its not Duke Nukem, Marvel vs. Capcom 3 is proof that its never too late to act on a good idea. Granted, some of their lateness entries are kinda… boring, honestly they had me at Deadpool.

We get that cool info package that explains all the cool stats and what not. Here's one, you realize that the last time a Royal Rumble winner succeeded in getting the title at Mania was in 2007?

We get a backstage segment with Ted/Maryse/Brodus. Maryse is still in shock that Ted actually succeeded in anything, and Brodus is all excited and keeps calling Ted "Boss" which sucks, as I prefer Brodus slowly drift from Ted. Anyway, Ted encourages Brodus to win, and stick with him as despite his flaws he sees Brodus as his best chance of getting the tag belts….Christ, Brodus better still want to take out Ted.

OFF TOPIC: Oh yes, is there another game I want? One that is wrestling based? One that contains All Stars from the past and present? One that has my favorite "Macho Man" Randy Savage making his WWE (kinda) return? No, must be thinking of something else.

OFF TOPIC: Oh wait, it was WWE All Stars…


Here's the thing I don't like about this match up; it makes everyone but Brodus look like a fucking moron. Starting with the first fall. So it's Saxton vs. Brodus vs. Bateman vs. Curtis. Now, if you were anyone but Brodus; what's the plan? Right, get everyone to team up and triple team Brodus so he's gone… yeah, they attack Bateman since he was clever enough to cheat last week.


So Bateman's gone, and look here, now Saxton and Curtis are having a little difficulty. The thing to do is obviously double team Brodus, but they stop to beat up each other several times. End of this round comes as Curtis hits his Guillotine Legdrop on both Brodus Clay and Saxton at the same time. Now if you were Curtis, whom would you pin? That's right! Brodus, since he's the bigger threat!


So now its just Curtis and Brodus… and lo and behold, he can't take him. Too bad no one thought to take out the huge neigh invulnerable behemoth first. One Tongan Deathgrip later, and this one is over.

WINNER: Brodus Clay

So Ted and Maryse come to the ring to celebrate with Brodus. Striker comes in to get his official decision. He tells us that his Pro is rich, talented, and will win the Royal Rumble… but he ain't Ted. He drops a bomb but revealing his new Pro Aberto Del Rio! (Good pick… Very good pick.)

He then has a special message for Ted… and proceeds to Tongan Deathgrip him! Brodus leaves to celebrate with Alberto as fade to black. Admittingly, a fairly rushed NXT but with the PPV this Sunday, what did we expect?


Brian Vigue writes in: "Who do you think is winning if winning the Royal Rumble? Who do you want to win the Rumble? Who don't ya want to win the Rumble?"

Hmmmmmm… In terms of someone I think is going to win, I'm going to go with John Cena, as much as I hate to. Wrestlemania is the were all big angles die (hopefully) and after everything he's been through it makes sense that Cena wins the Rumble… then the title at Mania… unfortunately. I say unfortunately only because it's the most predictable route. And plus, I cannot stand SuperCena.

Personally, I'd love for Alberto Del Rio to win. Honestly, how do you not love this guy? He needs to become a legit Main Eventer ASAP. And I don't mean the type that gets raped by Cena, Rey, or Edge on a regular basis. I mean make him cool!

As far as who I don't want to win, I'll go with Cena or HHH if he comes back.

Twitter: @NotintheMiddle
Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD": Brodus Clay ditches Ted Dibiase.

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE REESE AWARD": Outthink the Fink could have been decent if it had more time for Striker to read questions.

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE FRANCIS AWARD": Goes to Ted for being so boring, he made me not care about a 5 star match.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).