Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

WWE NXT RANT

by Malcolm Not in the Middle

January 11, 2011

Hello guys and welcome to another addition of the rant. No opening Rant this week, as this has been the week from hell thus far. So busy have I been that I have even gotten the chance to play DC Universe (Thus losing a lot of awesome names. Curse you player who stole the name Mr. Icy Hot!) So this week lets get right into it.

BTW, expect a pretty short rant this week, as I am really under the weather. I promise the rant will be back to form next week.

Still standing here in Birmingham, Alabama. We start with the recap of with the trade of Novak and Saxton. Once again, thank god. Sorry Masters Fans, but if given the choice between Masters and Ziggler, Ziggler wins, dude. After the theme song that won't fucking go away, we get our default opening and we start with Striker telling us that our next elimination is next week… Christ, that was quick. I know its said it was going to be 2 weeks, but that went by quick. They are certainly trying to get this contest over with. Speaking of which, we have another challenge!

CHALLENGE! SLINGSHOT CHALLENGE!!!

This is thanks to that whole Angry Birds segment that was on the video game awards segment? Anyway, the pros take turns shooting T-shirts at their Rookies. They have 30 seconds to do this. This is pretty straight forward, so here are the results, why is Saxton wearing a Best Buy shirt?

Curtis: 0
Saxton: 1
Bateman: 2
Clay: 0
Ratman: 1
That gives Bateman 2 points going into elimination. Hey I'm all set with Bateman sticking around.We had to the back with Richardo Rodriguez who is in the back on the phone. According to the subtitles, he's calling someone about a rat problem… Christ, I know its PG, bit if they bring in an actual exterminator to take care of him.

After a quick commercial, we are back with a match!

CONNOR O'BRIAN VS. BRYON SAXTON

Ths match was BS, and very much like a John Cena match. The entire match was Saxton kicking the shit out of Connor (Lots of reverse chinlocks used, but still) He has pretty much everything in had,,, till Connor hits a that weird full nelson slam into a Rock Botton, and that's it.

WINNER: Connor O'Brian

Ugh, look. I don't like it when Cena does this, and I sure as heck don't like it when Connor O' freaking Brian does it. It makes no sense when that someone is taken out by one move, its just poor booking.

In the back, with Bryan and Bateman are in the back prepping in the back for their date. Bateman is a in a new class of over the top tonight, sporting American flag plants and some one going on about submission wrestling again. Bateman I feel wouldn't be as entertaining if it weren't for Bryan playing straight man. In this regard, Bateman is a genius, as he realizes the importance of having chemistry if he's going to be a tag team with him. Bateman is very over the top here, swearing to be the perfect wingman, as Bryan says he ain't interested in the Bellas like that. Ends with Bateman giving a sunflower to give to his date. Nice segment over all.

Up next is a challenge called Superstar Password challenge… huh?

CHALLENGE! SUPERSTAR PASSWORD!!!

The gimmick is actually interesting, as the Rookies have to get their Pro to guess the superstars the Rookie has on their cards without telling them key facts. They have a limited to get them to guess name, and the winner gets 2 points.

Just gonna rifle thru these:

Derrick: 2
Saxton: 2
Bateman: 3
Brodus: 1 (Took him favor to gess Kane despite hits of "He's taller than me, was just in a movie, hates Kane… Come on!"
Connor: Talks about how great Del Rio is… I don't think he knows how to cut a promo that doesn't involve mama jokes.
Winner: Bateman

Derrick is now in the lead with 4 points. Awesome, I want him to stick around, not that I think he's really in danger. We head from this to the package for Shawn Michaels going into the Hall of Fame. I know this has been said to death, but if anyone deserved to go in there, its Shawn. This guy could be the greatest wrestler who ever lived… so that's awesome. I'm very interest to see who else goes into this g class.

We return to the Double Date, were Bateman is making a spectacle of himself. Its goes as expect, with Bateman being over the top ( I'm not quite sure if this was done on purpose to make Daniel look good) and more or less being a complete dork. The Bellas being sluts, and fighting over Daniel. They were actually complete tools to Bateman, which eventually leads to Bateman flipping the table, and walking out on the Bellas (which make shim awesome). Daniel once again is a fantastic straight man… just the same, I am ready for this angle to end. End is Bryan and Bateman paying in quarters… awesome.

And now, the final match on the card!

JOHNNY CURTIS VS. TED DIBIASE
Unfortunately, this goes the same way as the previous match. Dibiase pretty much dominates this whole match with some minor offense from Curtis, as expected. This goes on for sometime time, with Brodus even interfering. Finally, Truth has had enough and attacks Ted. This distracts Ted, and allows Curtis to roll up for three.

WINNER: Johnny Curtis

Most would think I'd be happy about this considering my previous posts about the pointlessness of having Pro vs. Rookie matches. I'd agree if it weren't for the fact that they made it look like such a BS victory. Even though he won, he may as well have lost cause we think the victory is BS! But I digress…

READER MAILBAG!!!

Just a quick one this week, to a question I've gotten a few times now. As everyone knows, the Fannies are up and its great to have them back. Go on and take a read, it's a great piece. However, some are curious as to where I am on there. Answer is pretty simple, I'm an idiot. See everyone was mailed out a list that had the questions to write for. I wait for them to come in, but I never got it. Little did I know that my gmail had marked them as spam. This has never been a problem before, so I never thought to check. So imagine my surprise to see it go up.

Thankfully, Carless is the greatest guy who ever lived, and has given me the chance to write my entries late, and offered to insert then when he can. So for those interested, you can expect my picks to go up before too long. I'll post on my Twitter when that happens.

Speaking of which, please send any questions or comments to:

Twitter: @NotintheMiddle

Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD": Derrick Bateman in and off himself. He has a really nice future ahead of him.

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE REESE AWARD": Connor O'Brian in and of himself. Sadly, expect a bright future ahead of him as Hornswoggle's new arch nemesis.

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE FRANCIS AWARD": Two matches that end in one move? Really?

Send feedback to Malcolm Not in the Middle

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).