WWE NXT RANT
By
Malcolm Not in the Middle
Hey guys, and welcome to another edition of the
NXT Rant. Hope everyone had a fun
For the first rant, how about Raw’s ending last
night?! A sick ending… that as my friend
@thesalzereffect mentioned, I called. As for Punk being
leader of Nexus, that’s awesome. Then again, it’s Punk.
You remember? The guy who made a cult entertaining?
Plus I love the psychology that Punk brings to
every feud. I love how he pointed out that, despite all
the heroics that Cena and friends gush about, that Cena
is just as viscous (if not more so) than the people he
wrestles. I’ll love it even more if Punk tells Cena next
week that he could have avoided last week’s beatdown and
the continuation of the Nexus feud if he had shaken
Otunga’s hand last week. I love the new direction that
Punk is seemingly taking with the Nexus by having them
side with the heels, instead of just fighting the entire
WWE… which you can’t do with just five people. In
summary, this angle could make CM Punk a star, and a
serious title contender. I’m really looking forward to
it.
In related RAW news, John Morrison is a stupid
idiot. You have a title opportunity whenever you want…
and you decide to do it on a RAW… instead of say the
Royal Rumble? Hate to say it, but it seems like
Morrison’s push is coming to an end. Though I reckon we
could get some outside interference, a GM email, and
it’ll be Morrison/Orton/Miz at Royal Rumble. We’ll see…
Some minor bad news here. Due to a
miscommunication with the fiancée, I had to pick up a
pizza, and missed the first six minutes of the show. My
apologies, but I’m looking and everyone is just being
lazy, and writing down the match results only. So, I’m
going to use my powers of deduction to assume the
following took place:
1)
Default
opening
2)
Into our
first match…
Dolph Ziggler
VS.
Johnny Curtis
I hate Pro vs. Rookie matches. Mainly because WWE
has no balls with these matches. Never once while I
watch these matches did I ever assume Dolph was in any
danger. This is despite the fact that Curtis had the
advantage toward the end. I mean its was okay, just very
predictable. Coincidentally, it was like Dolph vs. Cena
last week. A really good match, but I never for one
second thought Dolph was gonna win.
In other news, R-Truth is back to bounce up and
down like an idiot. I’d be happy for Curtis, but really
Truth’s presence is never good. Interesting note, Josh
agrees with me on the whole Rookie vs. Pro matches being
unfair. Grisham points out that it’s a great opportunity
for the Rookie, though Josh points out its like a
college team facing a professional team. Yeah the
college team would look great if they won, but really
what chance do they have?
Plus the match goes as you expect. Dolph
dominates early on, misses a move, Curtis comes on
strong and seemingly owns Ziggler. Goes for his
finisher…. Only to miss, and get hit by Dolph’s
finisher.
WINNER: Dolph Ziggler
Josh then poo’s on Curtis saying he accomplished
nothing since he lost. Which is a good point, as
everyone always tells me its not who wins or loses, its
how good the match is. Whatever, all I know is the one
who wins main events more PPVs… unless its Batista.
We’re threatened with a Ted Dibiase vs. Saxton
match, as we head to commercial.
OFF TOPIC: Going to
transfer my entire backyard wrestling collection to DVD.
We’re back and thrown into another match!
DERRICK BATEMAN
VS.
CONNOR O’BRIAN
This was once again, an okay match. Interesting
note, Bateman used a lot of the moves that
An annoying note however, is Grisham and Josh are
back to shitting on everything on this show again. I’ve
stressed my opinion on this several times; but the
purpose of the show is to make these guys look good, and
that becomes a moot point when the announcers crap on
these guys right out of the gate. However, these two do
one funny thing. Grisham actually brings up the point
that Josh at one time was attempting to become a
professional wrestler. Grisham asks a great question to
Josh as he asks him “What do they need to be thinking to
succeed in this industry?” To which Josh answers “Great
question! I dunno…” And people
wonder why that wrestling career took off.
Anyway, for those thinking that weird swinging
neckbreaker was Bateman’s finisher… it ain’t cause
Ratman kicks out. Connor then hits a weird full nelson
slam… for the pin!?
Winner:: Connor
fucking O’Brian
Really? Hilarity ensues as Alberto yells at
Ricardo to announce Connor as the winner. Once again,
Connor is a wrestler who isn’t doing this for a
contract, but for some of Alberto’s cheese. Just for the
record….
We cut to a backstage segment with Ted and Maryse
fighting. Yeah, they fight all the time, but they fake
sex those two characters have is fantastic, I’m sure.
Brodus comes in and thanks Ted for being such an awesome
Pro, and helping him achieve his dream... Ted then
proceeds to do a 180 from all his previous other
segments with Brodus as he yells at him for patronizing
him, tells him to watch his match so he doesn’t fuck up
like last week. Maryse even gets in on it a little bit
too. Brodus, meanwhile, you can tell by looking at his
eyes is thinking, “Dude, I was fucking complimenting
you!”
OFF TOPIC:
Going to
get in shape. I recently fit fine into a jacket that was
XL… perfectly fine ~_~;;; That’s not gonna do.
Hey look! A challenge!
CHALLENGE! POWER OF THE PUNCH!!!
I’m a fan of any challenge named after William
Regal! That being said, I’m still hoping for a “Bloody
Toe Rag” and “Sunshine” challenges!
Power of the Punch has not changed since the
previous seasons, except for it now being worth 2
points. Each Rookie takes turns punching a punching bag
that records your power into points. Highest score gets
2 points. Also, if you can beat the all time record of
896 held by Alex Riley, you get 3 points. So without
further ado…
Bateman – 750
Curtis – 814
Saxton – 625
Connor – 531
Novak – 721
Brodus – Big
Brodus gets a huge pop when his turn comes, as everyone
is expecting him to get the record… however, he actually
gets one of the lowest scores. 636
Winner: Curtis
Curtis is now in the lead of the pack with 4
immunity points.
We get another add for Ted vs. Saxton, as once again,
Pro vs. Rookie.
OFF TOPIC:
Going to
watch that new Bobby Heenan DVD set a lot… oh please be
cool!
TED DIBIASE
VS.
BYRON SAXTON
Keeping this short as this was yet another Pro
vs. Rookie match, and it’s more of Ted beating the crud
out of Saxton for ten minutes. Only thing really to note
is the end, in which Brodus just hails off and
clotheslines Saxton and gets Ted DQ’ed. Nice move,
Genius.
Winner: Byron
Saxton
And no, this doesn’t throw a monkey wrench in my
rule. This DQ made Byron look more of a piece of garbage
in comparison. The “stupid” rookie won thanks to the
moves of another “stupid” rookie. No one looks like
they’re ready for main event here.
So Ted and Maryse start yelling at Brodus, with
Ted even giving Maryse the order to hit him. The
intriguing part, is Brodus makes a face after getting
hit, that looks like he’s about to nail Ted… and the
crowd just ate this up and wanted Brodus to go nuts… but
he did nothing. However, this could be a cool storyline,
if they continue with it.
OFF TOPIC:
I have a
lot of video games that I need to catch up on and beat.
Demon’s Souls, I’m coming for you… that is until DC
Universe eats up all my time.
We get a RAW Rebound focusing on the whole Punk
vs. Cena feud… which once again, could make Punk into a
star if done right.
We cut to the back for a Truth/Curtis segment.
Truth tries to tell him that he looked great out there
despite losing, and that you could learn a lot losing.
Curtis then brings up a point that if he was around to
help him out, he might not have lost. A fair point.
Truth tells him that he’s still his pro, and that if a
bullfrog had wings, his butt wouldn’t hurt…. WTF? Both
men don’t get this analogy and Curtis does the best
thing of his career by leaving the dressing room.
OFF TOPIC:
Maybe finally get an
Xbox?
CHALLENGE! TALENT SHOW!!!
And no… This isn’t a typo, and the talent can’t
be wrestling as that makes too much sense. For this
talent show, each guy takes a turn to show off a hidden
talent. The “WWE Universe” then picks our winner. Kill
me now…
Bateman:
Talent is poetry, as
he reads a haiku he wrote called “Cheap Pop”. The poem
is like it sounds, with him just saying it’s awesome to
be in this city. Sadly, this makes him the odds on
favorite to win.
Curtis:
Ribbon dancing… and
I’m serious, as Curtis proceeds to twirl a ribbon around
and dance like a flipping loser. I dunno what’s worse:
The weird spectacle that is his dance, the fact that the
crowd loves it, or that he may win a contract thanks to
this.
Saxton:
Reads us a
bedtime story. Its about Saxton beating up Clay the Wolf
to protect his apple cider…. Yeah, it did about as well
with the crowd as it sounds.
Connor:
Tells
jokes… two really horrible and awful jokes. I also
realize another reason that I don’t like Connor: When he
smiles he looks like a freaking pedophile. Also, he
sounds like an evil Steve Urkel.
Novak:
Talent is looking
good, and poses for a few seconds. Josh and Grisham are
ripping into these guys pretty hardcore now for throwing
away this opportunity, and how no one needs posing as a
skill to be a wrestler… okay, several things wrong with
this. First of, Josh is aware that wrestlers do photo
sessions for WWE.Com all the time right? Byron Saxton
even announced he was doing one a few weeks ago! So yes,
looking good for the camera helps! Two, its not like
they got together and said, “Hey! Let’s do a talent
show!” You, the WWE Corporation, forced these guys to do
this. The talent can’t be wrestling, the fuck were you
expecting?!
Brodus:
After
speaking like a man from the mean streets for a bit, he
announces his talent is making people look hood cool. He
says he can make anyone look “Hood Cool”. To accept this
challenge… out comes Cole.
On paper, sounds like an amazing thing, and an
easy win for Brodus for having to do something with
Cole. However, Cole pretty much throws up on this notion
by going on a five-minute tirade against the town they
are in. The actually talent includes:
1)
Giving Cole
a black beanie
2)
Standing
behind Cole looking menacing as Cole continues to rip
into this town.
3)
Yelling
“Preach!” “Word!” “YEA!” inbetween the sentences of
Coles promo.
Humorously, this probably would have won, if Cole
weren’t laying waste to the town they were in, Brodus I
think woulda won, as the crowd was excited for this at
the beginning.
Striker then goes to the WWE Universe for them to
pick the winner… seriously?
Winner:
Johnny
Curtis
They gave the winner to the guy twirling the
ribbon? Unbelievable. Curtis then proceeds to further
let me know that he is a moron by walking up to the
biggest guy there, and twirling his ribbon in his face.
This goes about as well as you expect, as Brodus
killshits Curtis, and every other Rookie in the ring.
Highlights include him T-Bone’ing Saxton, and goes
outside to throw Curtis over the announce table. Once
again, not to nitpick, but you are hardly a Suplex
“Machine”… if you know only one suplex! End of Show!
Just a quick reminder before we go to Reader
mail. The first elimination will be on this week’s (Jan
4th), with polls opening tomorrow at noon.
I’d say don’t forget to vote, but with the Kaval’s
release, what’s the point? Oh well, Vote for Brodus!
READER
MAILBAG!!!
A phone number writes in: “So who do you
think has the least chance of winning NXT this season?”
A good question. I’ve been going on about how
close it is, and who is my favorite, so I really haven’t
gone into who I think is going to be the first one
eliminated.
Going through the list, Brodus Clay is my
favorite, so he’s out. Byron Saxton may win based on his
charisma alone, so he’s in there. Derrick Bateman is
both amusing and has the best relationship with his Pro.
Ratman, though it kills me to say it, I can see people
liking or enjoying the whole Rat gimmick. This leaves
the two people who are currently feuding with each
other: Johnny Curtis and Jacob Novak.
I do not like Johnny Curtis, as all he’s doing is
ripping off Kaitlyn’s strategy, and I’m sorry, but
Kaitlyn did it better. However, least according to what
I read on Twitter, people are buying it. So that leaves
Novak… who has nothing. He’s a boring heel, subpar on
the mic, and has no charisma. What’s his gimmick? That
he’s rich? We already have plenty of those types of
heels done by people who do it well. So really, he’s
got nothing.
So in the question of who has the least odds,
gonna have to go with Jacob Novak.
If you have a question for me about anything,
write me at:
Twitter:
@NotintheMiddle
Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com
BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY
AWARD”: The
possible Brodus/Ted Storyline, with Brodus evently
turning on his Pro could make Brods very cool.
AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE
AWARD”: The
talent show made me wish Saxton was illiterate.
WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: You guys choose the ribbon twirler to win a contest to help him become a wrestler? You know how weird that sounds?!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
POPULAR UPDATES
SATIRE: WWE's Discontinued X-Mas Products
DVD Review: End Game, Starring Kurt Angle
50+ Random Star Wars Lines You Can Use In The Middle Of Sex To Hilarious Results
CLASSIC SATIRE: ECW Goes Sci-Fi
Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall: Introduction
Broken News: U.S. Hero with Golden Trunks Becomes Homeless Man
When Wrestling Merchandise Goes Bad: WWE Finger Rings
CLASSIC SATIRE: Guess Who's HHHaving a Baby?
Broken News: WWE Pro Grappling "Gentle Giant" Reunited with Estranged Son
TWF Entertainment: VH1's 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds
The WWE Developmental Rookie Name Generator
Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
VIDEO SATIRE: 'Til Death Do Us Part!
SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel!
Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!