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Malcolm Not in the Middle


            Hey guys, and welcome to another edition of the NXT Rant. Hope everyone had a fun Holiday season, and will have a happy new year! To help kick it off, my New Year’s resolutions will be the focus of this week’s off topic, as I tell ya my goals for the New Year. Ya, I know… really exciting stuff here.


            For the first rant, how about Raw’s ending last night?! A sick ending… that as my friend @thesalzereffect mentioned, I called. As for Punk being leader of Nexus, that’s awesome. Then again, it’s Punk. You remember? The guy who made a cult entertaining?


            Plus I love the psychology that Punk brings to every feud. I love how he pointed out that, despite all the heroics that Cena and friends gush about, that Cena is just as viscous (if not more so) than the people he wrestles. I’ll love it even more if Punk tells Cena next week that he could have avoided last week’s beatdown and the continuation of the Nexus feud if he had shaken Otunga’s hand last week. I love the new direction that Punk is seemingly taking with the Nexus by having them side with the heels, instead of just fighting the entire WWE… which you can’t do with just five people. In summary, this angle could make CM Punk a star, and a serious title contender. I’m really looking forward to it.


            In related RAW news, John Morrison is a stupid idiot. You have a title opportunity whenever you want… and you decide to do it on a RAW… instead of say the Royal Rumble? Hate to say it, but it seems like Morrison’s push is coming to an end. Though I reckon we could get some outside interference, a GM email, and it’ll be Morrison/Orton/Miz at Royal Rumble. We’ll see…


            Some minor bad news here. Due to a miscommunication with the fiancée, I had to pick up a pizza, and missed the first six minutes of the show. My apologies, but I’m looking and everyone is just being lazy, and writing down the match results only. So, I’m going to use my powers of deduction to assume the following took place:


1)      Default opening

2)      Into our first match…


Dolph Ziggler


Johnny Curtis


            I hate Pro vs. Rookie matches. Mainly because WWE has no balls with these matches. Never once while I watch these matches did I ever assume Dolph was in any danger. This is despite the fact that Curtis had the advantage toward the end. I mean its was okay, just very predictable. Coincidentally, it was like Dolph vs. Cena last week. A really good match, but I never for one second thought Dolph was gonna win.


            In other news, R-Truth is back to bounce up and down like an idiot. I’d be happy for Curtis, but really Truth’s presence is never good. Interesting note, Josh agrees with me on the whole Rookie vs. Pro matches being unfair. Grisham points out that it’s a great opportunity for the Rookie, though Josh points out its like a college team facing a professional team. Yeah the college team would look great if they won, but really what chance do they have?


            Plus the match goes as you expect. Dolph dominates early on, misses a move, Curtis comes on strong and seemingly owns Ziggler. Goes for his finisher…. Only to miss, and get hit by Dolph’s finisher.


 WINNER: Dolph Ziggler


            Josh then poo’s on Curtis saying he accomplished nothing since he lost. Which is a good point, as everyone always tells me its not who wins or loses, its how good the match is. Whatever, all I know is the one who wins main events more PPVs… unless its Batista.


            We’re threatened with a Ted Dibiase vs. Saxton match, as we head to commercial.


OFF TOPIC: Going to transfer my entire backyard wrestling collection to DVD.


            We’re back and thrown into another match!






            This was once again, an okay match. Interesting note, Bateman used a lot of the moves that Bryan was teaching him in those backstage segments! Which is really good storytelling, I liked that.


            An annoying note however, is Grisham and Josh are back to shitting on everything on this show again. I’ve stressed my opinion on this several times; but the purpose of the show is to make these guys look good, and that becomes a moot point when the announcers crap on these guys right out of the gate. However, these two do one funny thing. Grisham actually brings up the point that Josh at one time was attempting to become a professional wrestler. Grisham asks a great question to Josh as he asks him “What do they need to be thinking to succeed in this industry?” To which Josh answers “Great question! I dunno…”  And people wonder why that wrestling career took off.


            Anyway, for those thinking that weird swinging neckbreaker was Bateman’s finisher… it ain’t cause Ratman kicks out. Connor then hits a weird full nelson slam… for the pin!?


Winner:: Connor fucking O’Brian


            Really? Hilarity ensues as Alberto yells at Ricardo to announce Connor as the winner. Once again, Connor is a wrestler who isn’t doing this for a contract, but for some of Alberto’s cheese. Just for the record….


            We cut to a backstage segment with Ted and Maryse fighting. Yeah, they fight all the time, but they fake sex those two characters have is fantastic, I’m sure. Brodus comes in and thanks Ted for being such an awesome Pro, and helping him achieve his dream... Ted then proceeds to do a 180 from all his previous other segments with Brodus as he yells at him for patronizing him, tells him to watch his match so he doesn’t fuck up like last week. Maryse even gets in on it a little bit too. Brodus, meanwhile, you can tell by looking at his eyes is thinking, “Dude, I was fucking complimenting you!”


OFF TOPIC: Going to get in shape. I recently fit fine into a jacket that was XL… perfectly fine ~_~;;; That’s not gonna do.


                        Hey look! A challenge!




            I’m a fan of any challenge named after William Regal! That being said, I’m still hoping for a “Bloody Toe Rag” and “Sunshine” challenges!


            Power of the Punch has not changed since the previous seasons, except for it now being worth 2 points. Each Rookie takes turns punching a punching bag that records your power into points. Highest score gets 2 points. Also, if you can beat the all time record of 896 held by Alex Riley, you get 3 points. So without further ado…


Bateman – 750

Curtis – 814

Saxton – 625

Connor – 531

Novak – 721

Brodus – Big Brodus gets a huge pop when his turn comes, as everyone is expecting him to get the record… however, he actually gets one of the lowest scores. 636


Winner: Curtis


            Curtis is now in the lead of the pack with 4 immunity points.


            We get another add for Ted vs. Saxton,  as once again, Pro vs. Rookie.


OFF TOPIC: Going to watch that new Bobby Heenan DVD set a lot… oh please be cool!






            Keeping this short as this was yet another Pro vs. Rookie match, and it’s more of Ted beating the crud out of Saxton for ten minutes. Only thing really to note is the end, in which Brodus just hails off and clotheslines Saxton and gets Ted DQ’ed. Nice move, Genius.


Winner: Byron Saxton


            And no, this doesn’t throw a monkey wrench in my rule. This DQ made Byron look more of a piece of garbage in comparison. The “stupid” rookie won thanks to the moves of another “stupid” rookie. No one looks like they’re ready for main event here.


            So Ted and Maryse start yelling at Brodus, with Ted even giving Maryse the order to hit him. The intriguing part, is Brodus makes a face after getting hit, that looks like he’s about to nail Ted… and the crowd just ate this up and wanted Brodus to go nuts… but he did nothing. However, this could be a cool storyline, if they continue with it.


OFF TOPIC: I have a lot of video games that I need to catch up on and beat. Demon’s Souls, I’m coming for you… that is until DC Universe eats up all my time.


            We get a RAW Rebound focusing on the whole Punk vs. Cena feud… which once again, could make Punk into a star if done right.


            We cut to the back for a Truth/Curtis segment. Truth tries to tell him that he looked great out there despite losing, and that you could learn a lot losing. Curtis then brings up a point that if he was around to help him out, he might not have lost. A fair point. Truth tells him that he’s still his pro, and that if a bullfrog had wings, his butt wouldn’t hurt…. WTF? Both men don’t get this analogy and Curtis does the best thing of his career by leaving the dressing room.


OFF TOPIC:  Maybe finally get an Xbox?




            And no… This isn’t a typo, and the talent can’t be wrestling as that makes too much sense. For this talent show, each guy takes a turn to show off a hidden talent. The “WWE Universe” then picks our winner. Kill me now…


Bateman:  Talent is poetry, as he reads a haiku he wrote called “Cheap Pop”. The poem is like it sounds, with him just saying it’s awesome to be in this city. Sadly, this makes him the odds on favorite to win.


Curtis:  Ribbon dancing… and I’m serious, as Curtis proceeds to twirl a ribbon around and dance like a flipping loser. I dunno what’s worse: The weird spectacle that is his dance, the fact that the crowd loves it, or that he may win a contract thanks to this.


Saxton: Reads us a bedtime story. Its about Saxton beating up Clay the Wolf to protect his apple cider…. Yeah, it did about as well with the crowd as it sounds.


Connor: Tells jokes… two really horrible and awful jokes. I also realize another reason that I don’t like Connor: When he smiles he looks like a freaking pedophile. Also, he sounds like an evil Steve Urkel.


Novak:  Talent is looking good, and poses for a few seconds. Josh and Grisham are ripping into these guys pretty hardcore now for throwing away this opportunity, and how no one needs posing as a skill to be a wrestler… okay, several things wrong with this. First of, Josh is aware that wrestlers do photo sessions for WWE.Com all the time right? Byron Saxton even announced he was doing one a few weeks ago! So yes, looking good for the camera helps! Two, its not like they got together and said, “Hey! Let’s do a talent show!” You, the WWE Corporation, forced these guys to do this. The talent can’t be wrestling, the fuck were you expecting?!


Brodus: After speaking like a man from the mean streets for a bit, he announces his talent is making people look hood cool. He says he can make anyone look “Hood Cool”. To accept this challenge… out comes Cole.


            On paper, sounds like an amazing thing, and an easy win for Brodus for having to do something with Cole. However, Cole pretty much throws up on this notion by going on a five-minute tirade against the town they are in. The actually talent includes:


1)      Giving Cole a black beanie

2)      Standing behind Cole looking menacing as Cole continues to rip into this town.

3)      Yelling “Preach!” “Word!” “YEA!” inbetween the sentences of Coles promo.


            Humorously, this probably would have won, if Cole weren’t laying waste to the town they were in, Brodus I think woulda won, as the crowd was excited for this at the beginning.


            Striker then goes to the WWE Universe for them to pick the winner… seriously?


Winner: Johnny Curtis


            They gave the winner to the guy twirling the ribbon? Unbelievable. Curtis then proceeds to further let me know that he is a moron by walking up to the biggest guy there, and twirling his ribbon in his face. This goes about as well as you expect, as Brodus killshits Curtis, and every other Rookie in the ring. Highlights include him T-Bone’ing Saxton, and goes outside to throw Curtis over the announce table. Once again, not to nitpick, but you are hardly a Suplex “Machine”… if you know only one suplex! End of Show!


            Just a quick reminder before we go to Reader mail. The first elimination will be on this week’s (Jan 4th), with polls opening tomorrow at noon. I’d say don’t forget to vote, but with the Kaval’s release, what’s the point? Oh well, Vote for Brodus!




            A phone number writes in: “So who do you think has the least chance of winning NXT this season?”


            A good question. I’ve been going on about how close it is, and who is my favorite, so I really haven’t gone into who I think is going to be the first one eliminated.


            Going through the list, Brodus Clay is my favorite, so he’s out. Byron Saxton may win based on his charisma alone, so he’s in there. Derrick Bateman is both amusing and has the best relationship with his Pro. Ratman, though it kills me to say it, I can see people liking or enjoying the whole Rat gimmick. This leaves the two people who are currently feuding with each other: Johnny Curtis and Jacob Novak.


            I do not like Johnny Curtis, as all he’s doing is ripping off Kaitlyn’s strategy, and I’m sorry, but Kaitlyn did it better. However, least according to what I read on Twitter, people are buying it. So that leaves Novak… who has nothing. He’s a boring heel, subpar on the mic, and has no charisma. What’s his gimmick? That he’s rich? We already have plenty of those types of heels done by people who do it well.  So really, he’s got nothing.


            So in the question of who has the least odds, gonna have to go with Jacob Novak.


            If you have a question for me about anything, write me at:


Twitter: @NotintheMiddle

Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com


BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  The possible Brodus/Ted Storyline, with Brodus evently turning on his Pro could make Brods very cool.


AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  The talent show made me wish Saxton was illiterate.


WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  You guys choose the ribbon twirler to win a contest to help him become a wrestler? You know how weird that sounds?!



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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).