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WWE NXT RANT

By

Malcolm Not in the Middle

 

            Hey guys, Malcolm not in the Middle here, and welcome to the rant. Sorry about the delay, but it’s the holidays after all. Speaking of which, I wanted to wish Happy Holidays to everyone on TWF, and especially to my readers. I’ve been writing for TWF for getting close to a year, and the people who have written back to me have made it a blast. Thanks so much.

 

            I had a little rant prepared here… then this little nugget came in:

 

“World Wrestling Entertainment has come to terms on the release of WWE Smackdown star Kaval (Brandon Silvestry) as of today, December 23, 2010. We wish Kaval the best in all future endeavors.”

 

            And with this… NXT now means precisely dick.

 

            Seriously, what the fuck? What the bloody the fuck!? Alex Riley, Husky Harris, and Michael McGillicutty all have job for losing NXT… but you fire the fucking guy who won.  I don’t get it.

 

            You know, I recently reread my column from when Kaval won. I remember how awesome it felt watching Kaval be declared the winner. At risk of sounding like a nerd, it was like a Disney moment. I’ve watched Kaval or Loki for years, so it was awesome for him to win on such a stage… yeah, him getting jumped by all the other Rookies sucked, but its WWE. Then he went to Smackdown… and jobbed to… everyone. At first I thought it was a slow build… It was when they had him job to Chavo that I started getting worried. After awhile of this, he finally got his title match against Dolph Ziggler and it was an awesome match. He lost, but I thought maybe he might have made an impression.  Yeah, that apparently didn’t happen.

 

            Plus, I’m fairly positive WWE has no idea the message they are sending. The whole beauty of NXT (least from the second season on) was that WE pick the next breakout star. Effectively, they are telling us that is a boldface lie with this release. In the end, they will push the ones they want. So… what the hell is the point of voting really? Even if the person we pick wins, that doesn’t mean anything. I’m actually starting to wonder about Kaitlyn, as they still haven’t thought up anything for her to do on Smackdown.

 

            You know what gets me? Kaval won because he was overwhelming the most popular guy there. That’s why Cena is the top guy, isn’t? He gets the biggest reaction out of everyone else. It was literally proven that a large number of people loved the guy… but he was released because “creative has nothing for him”… how the fuck is that Kaval’s fault? Why is it that the wrestler is fired when a writer can’t figure out how to use him? I know, I know it’s an age-old question… but it is a crime. The fact the writers don’t know how to use a “wrestler” but know how to use Cole… I’m really ashamed to be a wrestling fan at this moment.

 

            Anyway, still standing here in San Antonio. We get a recap of last week’s obstacle course, that they try to make sound dramatic… but they fail… so much.    This NXT btw, was actually pushed back to 11, so people could see the “special” Tuesday Smackdown. This will go down as the smartest thing WWE will do this week. Anyway, before we start we get a recap of the points. You know I love that  they no longer care about the win/loss record for wrestling, and care more about the inane challenges. Just awesome for this “WRESTLING” show. Anywho, Novak and Saxton with 1, and Curtis has 2.

 

CHALLENGE!!! THE WHEELBARROW RACE!!!

 

            Its pretty much what you think. Rookies take turns pushing a wheelbarrow around the ring, and whoever does it the fastest wins the right to be fired 3 months after winning NXT. Too soon?

 

            Now Striker says the challenge is too easy, and that there should be something in the wheelbarrow to make it more difficult. Yeah, I know, most of you are expecting Hornswoggle to appear. Good news is that doesn’t happen. Instead, we get “The Eagle”, or what was once the Swagger Soaring Eagle. See, this is what I’m talking about when I question the intelligence of the writers. So out of the duo of Jack Swagger (Former World Champion) and “The Eagle” (A jobber in a fuckin costume)… they decided to push THE FUCKING EAGLE! Lot of cursing this week…

 

            This challenge is pretty cut and dry. The funniest part was Brodus Clay finishing the course and then promptly dumping the eagle on the floor. Also, there is something wrong with Grisham this week. Its like he was so desperate to find a personality, he went through all of them on one show. He goes from bitter dickhead to angry douche to a joking face to over the top face repeatedly throughout the show. Its hysterical listening to Josh have to adjust each time.

 

            Nonetheless, here the times:

 

Curtis: 13.0

 

Novak: 12.8

 

Brodus: 13.8

 

Ratman: 12.7

 

Saxon: 12.5

 

Bateman: 12.5

 

            We have a tie between Saxon and Bateman, so they have to do another run of this course… just to try the audience’s patience.

 

Saxon: gets a 13.1 Lot of controversy as he spilled over the side, and no one was sure if he crossed in time blah blah blah. Wow, this segment is taking too long.

 

Bateman: 12.0

 

WINNER: Bateman

 

            Bateman is on the board in most man-tastic victory. Way to come back from that Del Rio squash. We are then told that Jacob Novak and Johnny Curtis will have a rematch. Oh boy, a rematch of a match that was okay, at best.  Also Ted Dibiase, Maryse, and Brodus Clay will take on Chris Masters, Byron Saxton, and a mystery partner. I’m hoping for Santina.

 

OFF TOPIC: Here’s my random weird thought of the day: Have you ever wondered what sex between Melina and John Morrison is like? Seriously, they’re freakishly flexible. They could probably do every page of the kama sutra easily. And yes, I have a lot of time to think.

 

JACOB NOVAK

VS.

JOHNNY CURTIS

 

            Awesome, a match between two people who haven’t a chance in hell of winning NXT. At least the match was once again okay, with two big stories in this match. One, Truth was replaced by JTG in this match. I found out that Truth has walking pneumonia, which is serious so I wish him well… but seriously, JTG? What? Brooklyn Brawler was too busy?

 

            Curtis shows off a brand new aggressive streak, and has the match in hand. But before he can finish him off… Dolph Ziggler comes in and nails Curtis while the ref is distracted. This allows Novak to get the win.

 

WINNER: Novak

 

            This is cool, believe it or not. I actually really like seeing the Pro’s get involved and seemingly care about the success of their Rookies. This is actually the first time I remember that a Pro actually interfered in the match to help their Rookie. Its awesome, and makes both guys look like heels. Awesome.

 

            We then go to an extended Derrick Bateman promo… which literally starts with him apologizing to his mother for costing her hopes and dreams. Way to start on a high note. The package is fairly entertaining, and shows a good deal of Bateman’s personality. If he continues with this, I may have to change my earlier picks for this season.

 

OFF TOPIC: I’d be happier for the Cena-Punk feud, if I wasn’t already aware of how it was going to end.

 

            We go to a extended Connor O’Brian package… and wow, this is the pushing it. This promo is some of the biggest load of BS that I’ve ever seen. Connor tells us this straight-out of DC backstory about how in school he was always being called a rat, and it tormented him in school. The problem with this story is they show us pictures of Connor from when he was younger… and he looks NOTHING like a rat. Anyway, he goes on about how Rats are survivors and what not. Imagine The Rock if all he talked about was rocks. He finishes by asking why can’t we have the era of Rattitude? Because that’s a stupid name, Connor.

           

            We come back, and Grisham tells us that in school, he was called an Elephant… The hell is wrong with him?

 

            We cut to Bryan and Bateman… who are now officially my favorite duo, as Bryan is continuing to teach Bateman moves, while Bateman continues to be a Daniel-san to Bryan’s Mr. Miyagi.  Bryan tries to lead him in a bridge stretch, which Bateman does while reading a book while bridging and ignoring Bryan. Bryan responds by sweeping the leg. Bateman admits he deserved that, but promises Daniel he’ll win the trivia. There is also a hidden dude, who compliments Bateman’s bridge… yeah, I dunno either.

 

CHALLENGE!!! TRIVIA CONTEST!!!

 

            This is an elimination contest. Striker announces a category, and the Rookies take turns answering the question. First person to stall out or give an incorrect answer is eliminated. Last person standing wins. Now for those of you who think I’m crazy enough to write down all the questions and what each Rookie said… you know me really well.

 

1) Undertaker’s Wrestlemania Opponents?

 

Curtis: Snuka

Novak: Big Show and A-Train

Brodus: Jake Roberts

Connor: Shawn Michaels

Saxton: Big Bossman

Bateman: Mark Henry

 

2) King of the Ring Winners

 

Curtis: Mabel

Novak: Stone Cold

Brodus: Owen Hart

Connor: HHH

Saxton: Harley race

Bateman: Billy Gunn

 

3) King of the Ring Award winners continued

 

Curtis: Regal

Novak: Sheamus

Brodus: Diesel… huh?

 

Brodus Clay eliminated

 

4: Cities that have hosted Wrestlemania

 

Connor: Pee Wee Herman… What?!

 

Connor O’Brian eliminated

 

4: City’s that have hosted Wrestlemania

 

Saxton: Anahiem

Bateman: Houston

Curtis: Boston

Novak: Seattle

Saxton: Orlando

Bateman: NYC

 

4: City’s that have hosted Wrestlemania

 

Curtis: Can’t think of anything

 

Johnny Curtis is eliminated

 

6. Name a 2010 PPV

 

Novak: TLC

Saxton: Summersalm

Bateman: Survivor Series

Novak: Bragging Rights

Saxton: Hell in a Cell

Bateman: Wrestlemania

Novak: Royal Rumble

Saxton: Survivor Series… Can’t say the same answer twice. Bryon tries to say that Striker never said that, but give us a break Byron.

 

Byron Saxton eliminated

 

7.  Former WWE Champions

Novak: HHH

Bateman: Stone Cold

Novak: Shawn Michaels

Bateman: The Rock

Novak: Miz

Bateman: Sid

Novak:….Cena, but he takes too long in saying it and is out!

 

Winner: Bateman

 

            Wow! Was that exciting?! How awesome was that? That was a lot better than watching them wrestle!!! Being Sarcastic is awesome!

 

            The mentioned earlier six man is up next. I wish the participates good luck, as they have a tough act to follow with that trivia contest.

 

OFF TOPIC: Am I the only one excited for DC Universe Online?

 

            Alberto Del Rio is in the back, as we find out Ricardo Rodriguez also doubles as his waiter. Connor walks in, as Alberto berates Connor that he needs to get his act together… while Connor drools over his cheese platter. The whole scene is a little weird, as it feels like a scene from Scarface except Tony Montana is talking to a rat about “First getting the drugs, getting the money, and getting power”. Except it’s winning NXT, getting a contract, and getting cheese.” Yeah, it makes no sense.

 

TED DIBIASE, MARYSE, & BRODUS CLAY

VS.

CHRIS MASTERS, BRYON SAXTON, & NATALYA

 

            Talk about having an unfair advantage. The Diva’s Champion? Really?

 

            This match ain’t terrible. Maryse and Natalya work well together, Byron continues to be entertaining in the ring, while Brodus looks fearsome. As for Ted and Masters… well, they’re Ted and Masters. Its fairly standard.

              

            Its at this point, I notice rivalries are in fact starting to build up now. Johnny Curtis and Jacob Novak have one brewing, and Saxton and Brodus have this one. Its actually pretty cool to see… but how many times can they do it before it gets stale?

 

            Anyway, end comes with Brodus about to Vaderbomb Saxton. However Saxton moves out of the way, and Saxton picks up the upset victory.

 

WINNER: Saxton, Natalya, and Masters

 

            And that ends the show this week… and you know what this means!

 

READER MAIL!

                                              

               This week’s question comes from @SandoraElite, who asks: “lf you're Malcolm, does that make @CaptainHalo your wheelchair bound, asthma-ridden friend or that annoying girl from class?”

 

            For those of you who don’t follow me (@NotintheMiddle) and Andariel Halo (@CaptainHalo), we have an interesting relationship. Lots of cursing but she’s cool… least I believe so. Not quite sure what she assumes of me, though.

 

            As far as what I’d call her… yeah, she’s my wheelchair bound, tourettes-ridden friend. She’s cool, though our conversations may seem otherwise. You need to cut her some slack, I mean she does have the hardest job out of all off us recappers, you know… and for the love of Christ! It’s called the Empire! The name of the 2nd movie is called “The Empire Strikes Back” not the “Galactic Empire Strikes Back”! 

 

            Have a question? Send it to:

 

Twitter:@NotintheMiddle

Email: MalcolmnotintheMiddle@gmail.com

 

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  I’ll give this to Connor’s ridiculous backstory. Its so stupid, in the end it was funny.

 

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  Connor O’Brian is trying to win NXT to get some of Alberto Del Rio’s cheese.

 

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  Creative couldn’t think of anything for Kaval? Really?

             

Merry Christmas, guys!

 

 

 SEND FEEDBACK TO MALCOLM NOT IN THE MIDDLE.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).