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WWE NXT Rant 3/16

           

Damnit. Wrestlemania snuck up on me again this year. It’s looking to be pretty good, though. I would like to apologize for my lateness last week. I am endeavoring to get these rants out on Wednesday or Thursday, not Saturday. Unfortunately, I’m a lazy bastard.

             

We start the show with the lame opener and Matt telling us in two weeks, the ambiguous and dreaded “voting” will take place. The first men out are Darren Young and the Straightedge Society. Young’s record (1-1) is displayed rather prominently on the screen. I suppose record is important from now on.

 

Darren Young (1-1) and CM Punk with Straightedge Society vs. Justin Gabriel (3-0) and Matt Hardy

           

The crowd starts chanting “Hardy” as he is armlocked by Young. Hardy reverses and tags in Justin Gabriel, where they do a bootleg version of Poetry In Motion. Gabriel goes for the Victory Roll, gets 2. Young maneuvers his way to his side of the ring and tags in a reluctant CM Punk. Punk uses punches and knee strikes, then tags Young back in. Gabriel floats over him after an Irish Whip. Gabriel hits a spin kick, but collides with the mat when he goes for a springboard crossbody. Young takes Gabriel out of the ring and throws him into the steps. We go to break.

           

Gabriel has regained the advantage, and immediately loses it when he misses a splash. Young, who has gone full heel by now, taunts Gabriel, opening himself for a kick combo and an STO. Gabriel goes for the 450 Splash, but takes too long and misses. Young tags in Punk, who gets a very close 2, before locking in the bodyscissors, which Gabriel reverses into a Jackknife for two. Punk tags in Young, who hits the Northern Lights Suplex for another 2. Punk tags back in, and pummels Gabriel some more. Punk then goes for the Springboard Clothesline,, but Gabriel hits a mid-air dropkick to reverse.

           

Gabriel tags Hardy in finally, and he goes to work, hitting the Bulldog and then the Side Effect. Punk manages to tag Young, but Hardy immediately hits a neckbreaker and clotheslines him out of the ring. While the ref is watching Young and Hardy, Gallows clotheslines the daylights out of Justin Gabriel. Now back in the ring, Hardy attempts the Twist of Fate. Gallows distracts the ref while Punk ambushes and hits the GTS on Hardy, allowing Young to pin him.

 

Winners: Darren Young and CM Punk

           

Immediately after the match, Gallows boots Gabriel too. Young and Punk exchange high fives…before Gallows hits Young with the Gallows's Pole. Huh.

           

Further Notes: This match was fairly long and satisfying. Gabriel didn’t stand out like he did in his last few matches, unfortunately. I’m not sure why Gallows did that, but I’m sure that WWE will drop the storyline by next week.

           

Our next match is Daniel Brian taking on none other than an opponent who can finally match his workrate, The Great Khali. Seeing as how Vince is punishing me for all my transgressions, I will take my revenge by recapping this match in as little detail as possible.

 

Daniel Brian (0-3) vs. The “Great” Khali

           

Most of the memorable moments in this match were on commentary. This was pretty textbook: Brian knocks Khali down with kicks, goes for a springboard. Khali hits the chop and the Khali Bomb for the win.

 

Winner: The Great Khali

           

After the match, Big Show comes out (presumably on The Miz’s behalf) and chokeslams Brian.

           

Further Notes: It seems Cole has some sort of Tourette’s syndrome when it comes to Daniel Brian. You should hear some of the nonsense he spouts. Furthermore, why is Brian being buried so far under the Earth? There’s a difference between “plucky hero overcomes the odds” and “plucky hero looks like incompetent jackass.” Speaking of jackasses, or at least those who resemble one…

 

Heath Slater (2-0) vs Michael Tarver (0-1)

           

Okay, I couldn't think of a better transition. They’re both alone, and Slater starts pretty strong, throwing Tarver out of the ring and hitting a crossbody. They return to the ring, and Tarver comes back with a series of punches. It is shown that Christian and Carlito are watching in the back. Slater manages to hit a flapjack, but Tarver drives him into the corner. He charges, but Slater rolls him up for 3.

 

Winner: Heath Slater

           

Christian briefly gloats over his rookie’s victory, but it is Carlito who gets the last laugh when Tarver hits Slater with a T-bone Suplex.

           

Final Notes: I’m sorry, but nothing remarkable happened in this match. Hey, Slater has the best record of any rookie. Tarver is a member of the same doghouse Skip Sheffield is in and Daniel Brian is king of, as none of them have won a single match.

           

Backstage, we get a pretty humorous segment where Sheffield keeps interrupting Regal, who is just trying to tell him to stop interrupting him. It’s better than it sounded.

           

We get a couple video packages, and we’re off with our main event, which will be a super-special, memorable, entertaining…oh.

 

Skip Sheffield (0-1) with William Regal vs. Wade Barrett (1-1) with Chris Jericho

           

These guys are the same height and weight. The only difference is Sheffield’s juicing is much more obvious. Sheffield moves around the ring surprisingly quickly, even hitting a top-rope axe handle. Barrett gets out of the ring, and Skip follows. Barrett turns it around, ramming Skip into the ring post. They go back in ring, where Barrett stretches Skip on the ropes in a pretty nasty way. Meanwhile, Jericho is screaming at the announcers at the amazing awesomeness of Wade Barrett. Barrett tries to hit a Vertical Suplex, but Skip reverses into a suplex of his own. He then does his “Flair Walk into Splash” combo that has no name, before going to the top rope for a second time. He yells at Regal to “watch this”, “this” presumably being Barrett cutting him off and throwing him off the turnbuckle. One shitty variation of the Fireman’s Carry later, and we have a winner.

 

Winner: Wade Barrett

 

Further Notes: Err, none. This was one vanilla match. Sheffield moderately exceeded my expectations.

           

Final Notes: Four matches, no backstage segments, and only one of the matches was memorable? Good God, I’ve been watching Ring of Honor! In all seriousness, only the first match was actually good, due to an effort on all four members’ parts. The finish was pretty clever, and what happened after the match set up for a pretty interesting storyline. So, just because of that great tag match, thumbs up.

           

Show MVP: Hard to say. I’ll give it to all four members of the tag match, simply because their performances were all good, while everybody else floundered.

           

Show LVP: The Great Khali. Need I say more?
           

Quote of the show: A new feature is this quote. Anyone who spoke is eligible, but considering our commentators, expect Cole and Matthews to dominate here. For example:
            Cole: “Daniel Brian goes to bed at 8 o’clock.”
            Josh: “So? You go to bed at 8:30.”

 

That’s all for now. Remember, for a good time, email alexoblivion94@gmail.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).