WWE NXT RANT
By
Malcolm Not in the Middle
Hey guys! Malcolm Not in the Middle here and
welcome to another edition of the rant! Today I wanted
to start by saying thanks to the people who actually
sent in sent in questions for the new Reader Mail
segment, debuting today. For anyone else, feel free to
send any questions via:
Twitter:
@NotintheMiddle
Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com
Before we go into the opening Rant, I have an
announcement. As you heard about from previous columns,
the Fanny’s are making their triumphant return after a
two-year absence! Folks, I am stoked! If you travel back
to my first column, I mentioned the Fanny’s and how I’d
love to see them come back. But here’s the epic news…
NXT Rant’s own Malcolm Not in the Middle will be one of
the writers for that piece! This is a huge honor for me
to be part of this, and I promise Sean and my readers
that I will bring it! I cannot wait!
For the opening rant...Tribute to the Troops. Now
I love the idea, and it’s a very classy thing for WWE to
do, and every year no less. However, this year I really
have to question them…. For their choice of theme music
for the event. The song for the event, as I’m sure you
all know, is called “I’m coming home” by J. Cole. Of
course, everyone knows the name of the song is “I’m
Coming Home” because that’s the only part of the song
they play. In regular cases, this song would be fine… if
it weren’t playing for the military. Think about it,
these guys are fighting the good fight. Literally
risking there lives for our freedoms, and you have to
think a lot of them can’t wait to go back home… So do
they really need this blasting on the loudspeaker,
making them think of going home? Only to realize they’re
not, and they have a few more years to go. I’m just saying,
it seems like a jerk thing to do. I wonder if the
purchase of that song is why they’re doing the tribute
in America this year? Can’t imagine a song about going
home would have gone over well over there.
In all do seriousness, I hoped the troops enjoyed
the show, and god bless them for doing something that I
could never do… I have flat feet, you see. BTW, no Off
Topic this week, as I’m cut for time. No worries,
they’ll be back next week.
So on to the show, which we start with a good ole
default opening. Todd Grisham is still there, which
leads me to believe this is permanent… Good. Hey I
thought the whole Cole hating NXT was funny for awhile
too… but here’s the thing, this show is supposed to make
me think one of these guys are going to go on to WWE and
be a big deal. This cannot be accomplished with Cole
telling me “Boy these people suck!” every week. Just
sayin.
We are threatened with the traditional Obstacle
course this week, but first we have to endure a
different challenge first.
CHALLENGE! KARAOKE!... NO SERIOUSLY!
So the
first challenge is a new one, as the Rookies will take
turns drawing envelopes from Striker’s hand. Within
these envelopes is wrestlers’ theme music. After they
pick, they must sing the assigned wrestler’s theme, and
impress the audience. From there, whomever the audience
picks in the winner. Ho boy… This will be good.
Connor
O’Brian: He picks
King Sheamus… and is that his official name? I’ve heard
him called Sheamus and King Sheamus since winning the
KOTR. Anyway, Connor’s rendition is weird… as he seems
to be taking this “I’m a fucking Rat” gimmick a little
too seriously now, as he sounds like TMNT’s The Rat King
singing Sheamus’ music. Scary stuff. He finishes and the
crowd seems to like it about as much as I did.
Bateman:
He gets the
Miz, and I have never seen anyone so excited to sing
Miz’s music. Watching him is hysterical; as I swear to
god he’s having a series of heart attacks while singing
it. He finishes by doing a cheap pop, and the crowd eats
it up, good stuff.
Novak:
Interestingly enough gets his Pro Dolph Ziggler! And he
really… doesn’t do any justice to his Pro’s music!
Thankfully, he finishes and gets boo’d out .
Brodus:
Draws Cody
Rhodes theme… and he makes that theme sound scary. I
don’t think he cannot be intimidating. Even Striker was
a little scared at the end. As humorous as I found it,
it’s obvious that he isn’t winning.
Johnny:
Gets Randy
Orton, and I take back what I said about Bateman, as
Johnny is absolutely ecstatic. He does the song with
heart attacks, and even does the Viper pose several
times in the song. Crowd gets a kick out of this.
Saxton:
Finally Saxton gets
Shawn Michaels… and wow, he sings it exactly how I’d
imagine Carlton Banks singing it. Only thing missing is
the Carlton dance, but its funny stuff. Crowd really
seems to like it, however I’m not entirely sure if that
was for Saxton or if they just miss Shawn Michaels.
Its close but your winner is…..
WINNER:
Byron Saxton
How about that? Saxton doesn’t have too much time
to celebrate as he’s in a match right now! But first, we
cut to a Jacob Novak extended promo feature… and I have
to tell ya, if there was one guy in this contest that I
couldn’t give two shits about, its this guy. It’s a
thinner Louie Spicolli dressing like a very early Razor
Ramon… except nowhere near as cool. I guess the feature
is okay, as apparently, he’s pretty gifted athletically.
Still though, I don’t care.
BYRON SAXTON & CHRIS MASTERS
VS.
TED DIBIASE & BRODUS CLAY
Interesting match up, as it’s my first look at
both Brodus and Saxton in the ring. I’ve said it once
and I’ll say it again, Brodus is a big dude! He throws
Saxton around like a ragdoll and even goes toe to toe
with Masters. We even get a T Bone suplex, but just one;
so I’m not sold on this whole Suplex Machine thing yet.
One thing I dislike about him? “D’Yeah!” That’s what
he’ll scream out repeatedly, and at odd times during the
match. I suppose I’ll get used to it, damn it gets
annoying. Also, he seems to be a ring hog, in that he
stays in the ring way too long… but that maybe a
character thing.
Saxton is interesting, as he plays the cowardly,
cocky heel gimmick really well. All he needs to do is to
scream like a girl while being attacked, and wear a
sweater vest, and he’s set. But I enjoy watching him in
the ring.
Typical back and forth, and the end is very
interesting as it plays on both Brodus and Saxton making
Rookie mistakes. Brodus first gets overzealous and tries
to elbow Masters off Ted, a but Masters moves out of the
way, and he hits Ted. After dispatching Brodus, he
signals for the Masterlock, but Saxton blind tags in.
After telling Masters this is his time, he charges
Dibiase… only for him to duck and hit Dream Street to
end it. Why Masters couldn’t bother to break up the pin
I’ll never know.
WINNERS:
Ted & Brodus
After watching Ted and Masters talk done to their
Rookies for a bit, we cut to the back as Daniel Bryan…
becomes the coolest fucker in the world! From season
one, I bitched about how none of the Pro’s actually
teach their Rookies anything. Guess what my man Daniel
is doing? Teaching Bateman submission moves! Excellent!
Anyway, he tries to teach his overly excited Rookie, but
Bateman fucks up hysterically. He applies the move
wrong, all the while screaming “SUBMISSION! SUBMISSION
WRESTLING! SUBMISSION!” and ignoring Bryan’s
instructions… so he kicks him in the throat. So Bateman
didn’t learn anything; and Bryan gave up a little too
quickly, but hey this show is slowly evolving and that’s
a good thing! BTW, the main event tonight is Alberto Del
Rio vs. Derrick Bateman… and I finally understand why
Del Rio has been laughing this whole time tonight.
We’re back… and let’s get this over with. It’s
Obstacle Course time. I will mention that WWE did
something I liked with this one. Since it’s more
difficult than other challenges per say, it’s going to
be worth 2 points, instead of the usual 1. Good! Way to
add some variety. I hope they do this with other
challenges. For those who forgot, here’s the course:
1)
Run the
tires
2)
Barricades
3)
10 pushups
4)
Balance
beam
5)
Push cart
up ramp
So that I avoid saying this every other guy, I
have to ask, what the fuck is wrong with these refs? Is
NXT when they release their frustrations? In this
obstacle course, we see them randomly make people start
over with the pushups, as I’m sure Novak did 30. And
they are freakin anal about them being completely in
that yellow rectangle, which is a stupid rule, as Brodus
being big, had difficulty fitting in. But whatever,
least their useless is equal to everyone.
Anyway,
here are the times:
Jacob:
37.9
Saxton:
Damn near
suffers a concussion by falling over the tallest
barricade. He gets a 1:02:20 seconds or something. To be
fair though, he was selling the fact he just had a
match, which I appreciate.
Connor: 42.7
Bateman:
35.7
Johnny:
get a 34.7
but is DQ’ed as an idiot ref says he fell off the
balance beam. He demands an instant replay, and I wish
him luck on that pipe dream.
Brodus:
DQ’ed for
going through the barricade instead of around it. God
he’s badass…
Looks like my luck carries a long way, as the
idiot refs decided to give Johnny another shot!
Johnny:
31.4 for
the win!
WINNER:
Johnny Curtis
Speaking of
which, we head directly into a Johnny Curtis extended
promo… and damn, if this wasn’t constructed to make you
feel for him. He has the whole drifter and holding many
jobs deal, and how he had a best friend who went to
wrestling school with him, and as soon as he mentioned
“He went on his motorcycle one day” I knew that wasn’t
going well for him. Sets him up nicely as the
sympathetic babyface, though I must admit it’s an
interesting story.
We get reminded that Alberto vs. Bateman is still
gonna happen. One guy is getting a main event push, and
the other doesn’t know how to do a leglock correctly.
Who would you place your money on?
We get a RAW Rebound of last night. In summary,
Slammys happened, Cena came back in a lame payoff, and
then proceeded to make Otunga look like shit. It’s good
to have him back :P
We cut to
the back as Jacob Novak meets Vickie Guerrero for the
first time, and proceeds to mack on her. Okay… what the
fuck? Why do people keep hitting on her? At first, I
thought it was to exploit her for her power, but she
really hasn’t done anything for Dolph in FOREVER! So
does that mean he really likes her? WTF?! And Dolph
shows up, Vickie goes away, and damn Novak is big. He
really does dwarf Ziggler by a lot. Anyway, he tells El
Gigante to head to the back and watch the main event by
himself while he has sex with Vickie in the back or
something. Ziggler still dressed like a stripper going
to a job interview, BTW.
DERRICK BATEMAN
VS.
ALBERTO DEL RIO
This match… should not have been the main event.
This was like watching Rick “The Model” Martel destroy
Jumping Jim Brunzell on Wrestling Challenge. Total
squash match, and the announcers insulting my
intelligence by insinuating Bateman had a chance in heck
was stupid.
Bateman does get some offense in, and even hits
that jumping neckbreaker that I think is his finisher.
However, Del Rio kicks out, and shortly hits his arm
breaker finisher and that’s it.
WINNER:
Alberto
Well, that was weak… Hey! You know
what time it is!?
READER
MAIL!
@EffinFalcone writes:
“Anyway, question for next weeks column, Out of the 6
rookies, from what you've seen so far, which one do you
think will win?”
I knew I’d be asked this at some point. It’s
still a little early to tell as we’ve only hit the
second show. However, every good journalist has to put
his money down on someone.
I’m going to have to go with Brodus Clay. Thus
far I like what I see with him in the ring, but I want
more suplexes! He has a very marketable look, and stands
out very easily among the other Rookies. Plus he’s
actually pretty good on the mic, as he sounds very
intimidating. His rendition of Cody Rhodes theme is
freakin scary!
As fair as a dark horse pick, I’m gonna have to
go with Bryon Saxton. I gotta hand it to him, he’s got
his character DOWN. Plus his constant fuck ups are
always entertaining. Am I saying he’s going to win the
title within the year? No, but he could be entertaining.
What if he changed his ways and joined Santino’s crew?
Imagine Santino’s crew with Carlton Banks in it?
Awesome!
DN Spunk
writes in: “I
forget-are you the one on TWF that mentioned the
Phoenix/Professor Layton game coming out?”
Yes.
He continues: “How stoked are you
for this game? “Ace Attorney” is one of my favorite
series.”
For the record, I always appreciate video game
questions. Not only do I love them, I actually have a
Bachelor’s Degree in Game Design. My dream job would be
to work for IGN or someplace like that as a video game
reviewer.
Anyway, I will admit I’ve only played bits and
pieces of Layton, and I’ve never played Phoenix Wright.
However, I’ve liked the ideas behind the two games. Now
while both are puzzles games, they have very different
dynamics. So seeing how they decide to make these two
characters work will be cool.
The awesome thing though? They’re not doing some
stupid team up like every other combo game; they’re
fighting each other! Both characters are genius in there
own right, so this makes me very curious as to who would
win!
So I am pretty stoked about this. This game could
be pretty epic if the story can match the characters.
But I have to wonder how its gonna play. Do you pick one
and play the game with him? Or do ya flip flop between
the characters? But yeah, it looks like it could be DS
game of the year easily. That’s it for the mailbag. Once
again, you can reach me at:
Twitter:
@NotintheMiddle
Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com
BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY
AWARD”: I’ll
give this award to Daniel Byran, the first Pro to
actually be seen trying to train his Rookie to do
something!
AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE
AWARD”: The
main event of the show is a squash match.
WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS
AWARD”: I’m
starting to expect Connor O’Brian to come out in a rat
costume next week.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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