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WWE NXT RANT

By

Malcolm Not in the Middle

11/30/10

 

            What’s up, dudes? Malcolm Not in the Middle here… For perhaps the last time.  Yes, we did it. Through really awful programming (Cole can make all the wise cracks in the world, but NXT was the shits this season), we persevered and made it through the worst season of NXT yet. For that, we should be commended. However, there is a possibility that this is the last one. Yes I have received reports to the contrary, but like a Cena heel turn, I’ll believe it when I see it. Stay tuned.

 

            Just to shoot the shit one last time, RAW was awesome! How awesome? Even Cameron Burge loved it, and he hates everything! Like no joke, the guy even hates Kix cereal. I love King of the Ring, and the tourney was fantastic. Happy that Sheamus won, as honestly, he was the right man to go over. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Sheamus has a really bright future ahead of him in WWE. I wasn’t ecstatic about the guy at first, but he has really grown on me.

 

            Miz continued to make me happy to be a wrestling fan. Some people are rolling their eyes, saying they buried Miz by having him struggle against Lawler… but come on! This was classic “Ric Flair Heel” booking, where the heel gets the crud kicked out of him, and makes the fans think he is honestly gonna lose… only to come back. Miz is doing fine. What is confusing though… Cole turning on Lawler? Honestly, I did not see that one coming. I hope to Jesus that this isn’t leading to a Lawler/Cole match. Seeing Lawler in a TLC match was stupid enough.

 

            And finally, who is writing this Edge/Kane storyline? Cause they should be fired. How the hell is Edge the face in this feud? Kane and Bearer have done nothing except be the World Champion. Its all sorts of disturbing seeing Edge torture Paul for no real reason.  In fact, all the faces are lawbreakers nowadays. Edge is kidnapping people, Cena is committing assault, Jeff Hardy is selling drugs to kids… Remember the good old days of Hogan? Yeah the guy is a douche in real life, but at least he wasn’t a bad role model for kids… back in the day.

 

            Anyway, we are at the finals of NXT, were we will see Naomi (The woman WWE wants to win) vs. Kaitlyn (The person everyone else wants to win) to see who will get a Diva’s Contract. Where they can partake in fantastic Diva duties like:

 

1)      Standing outside the ring, and never getting tagged in tag matches.

2)      Hitting on past their prime celebrities that they’ve never heard of

3)      Getting involved in boring comedic romances with Santino Morella

4)      Giving Alicia Fox someone to practice an ax kick on

5)      Hosting Kiss Cam

 

            …. So why do they want this again?

 

            Program starts as we watch these women make the rain fall one last time. As anyone who follows me on twitter (@NotintheMiddle) would know, I am really pulling for Kaitlyn here. By far my favorite of the Rookies, so I’m really bias.  I have to admit, I am pretty shocked that she made it this far. I was expecting the association with Vickie to get her eliminated early, but her personality was too amazing.  People are gonna hate me, but she really reminds me of a young Trish Stratus. She couldn’t wrestle to save her life at first either, but she studied and got better. Same with Kaitlyn, and I think the future will see great things from her.

 

            But Naomi has a great chance here too. She’s a great wrestler no matter how many ways you slice it, and she’s better than Kaitlyn hands down. If she had the charisma to match, this contest would be over, but luckily she doesn’t. WWE you can tell wants her to win, but I think Kaitlyn caught even them completely off guard.  It’s the classic battle between the wrestler and the showman… which people would care about more about it if this weren’t NXT.

 

            Cole and Josh actually start the show by Cole addressing his actions on RAW. His response is pretty much “I dunno why I did it, since the decision was last minute and the writers haven’t figured that part out yet. To give us some time to think on it, I’m just gonna be a jackass and not talk about… until RAW NEXT WEEK!!!!” In summary, that’s what he said.

 

            Default opening, and Striker is in the ring. He introduces Vickie, who does her usual shtick. She then begrudgingly introduces Kaitlyn, and they go to the ring together. Striker then just introduces Naomi… wait, Kelly ain’t here to support Naomi? I knew she was a ditz, but damn!

 

            Small spoiler alert, for those afraid that they would make them do stupid challenges, relax as they only do one, and it makes sense.

 

            Kelly is then shown in a special video to make me feel like a dick, as the reason she ain’t here is to do a special show for the troops (No, not that kind of special show, you pervs.). She gives props to Naomi, wishes her luck, and other mushy stuff. Striker then asks Naomi about what it was like being Kelly’s Rookie, and to respond… it sounds like she was reading off a freakin cue card. Kelly’s great, she’s awesome, and she can’t stop smiling for 2 seconds.  I may have just added that last part.

 

            Striker than goes for Kaitlyn’s opinion of Vickie, which Vickie interrupts her to talk for herself. They have a cool little back and forth, recapping their whole relationship till now (From Kaitlyn replacing her previous Rookie to kissing Dolph). Kaitlyn tells her she’s thankful for Vickie, cause she made her stronger. Kaitlyn makes the typical fat joke with Vickie about her being thankful for seconds. Kaitlyn shoves Vickie to the floor, and that’s the last of Vickie/Kaitlyn. Good stuff.

 

            Vickie does her screaming number when she’s shoved to the floor. You know, if she was a face, she could hulk up like that… Well I thought it was funny.

 

            And once again, I have a job for yet another season (and I owe IrkenInavder an apology ^_^;;)! The rumors were correct, there is in fact a season 4 of NXT! The pain… will continue. Speaking of pain, season 4 promises to deliver at least a little as our first Pro is… sigh… R Truth. Kill me. His Rookie is a dude named Johnny Curtis, who has the whole “Former backyard wrestler turned actual wrestler” thing going for him. Thrill as R Truth teaches him to counter a sunset flip a week after he loses thanks to a sunset flip! … I hate R Truth.

 

            OFF TOPIC: BTW Mr. Burge, you get a BYE in a tournament. Not a BUY.

 

            I loved CM Punk’s commentary as it points out a lot of inconsistencies with storylines. Like for instance, Cena is fired… yet we push his DVD every week. Huh? Hey time for a match!!!!

 

BELLAS & AJ

VS.

ALICIA FOX, AKSANA, & MAXINE

 

            BTW, just want to mention that I HATE Alicia Fox’s theme. It’s just the weak karaoke version of “Hot in here”. Anyway, I’m sure Fox is just happy to be in an arena without Natalya.

 

            Great to see AJ and the other eliminated Rookies in there, as most of them aren’t bad. Story of the match here are that the Bellas are useless when heels as they refuse to let AJ tag them during the match. This causes AJ to be the face in peril a lot.

 

            This goes on for a bit till a Bella finally tags in, and almost gets the win, only for it to get broken up. All heck breaks loose, leaving a Bella and Maxine going at it. AJ gets a sneaky tag in, and while Maxine is distracted, hits a high crossbody to win it.

 

WINNERS: AJ and Bellas

 

            Primo comes in to congratulate AJ… and promptly makes out with her. Hey, at least he got something out of this Pro/Rookie deal.  Cole makes me laugh as he exclaims “CONGRATULATIONS! THIS WIN MEANS NOTHING! YOU’RE FIRED! YOU HAVE NO JOB! AFTER THIS WIN, YOU’RE LEAVING AGAIN! CONGRATULATIONS!”

 

            Our next Pro for the Season 4 of NXT is… Chris Masters. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Are you serious? What’s he going to teach him? How to get a funny gimmick and shove down people’s throats? How to main event superstars? How to lose 100 pounds in six weeks? Anyway, his rookie is Byron Saxton… wait a second, former commentator for ECW Byron Saxton?!?! That’s interesting. Cole and Josh completely no sell this fact, BTW.

 

            OFF TOPIC: Fantasia comes out on Blu ray this week… I’d rather watch that than Knucklehead.

 

            Ted and Maryse are our next Pro’s for next season. Their Rookie is PN News… no wait sorry, he’s actually named Brodus Clay. This guy is BIG. I’m about to write him off as a boring big man… when it is revealed that this guy is a suplex machine. This gets you at least 75 cool points with me! Cole even makes a joke about knowing there’s going to be at least one guy he knows who’s just going to be thrilled to know there’s another suplex machine. OMG! A Taz reference!

 

            We are back in the ring with Striker, Kaitlyn, and Naomi. He tells us its time for their last challenge.

 

CHALLENGE! DIVA FACE OFF!

 

            Rules are simple, each Diva gets one minute to tell the other Rookie why they shouldn’t win. They do this every time when it’s down to the final two, and usually at least one of them that nail it.

 

KAITLYN: She tells a really good story with this promo. Tells about how Naomi is hands down the better wrestler, and in week one, she was the Rookie to beat… however, as the weeks went, people realized she is boring. Kaitlyn says she ain’t there yet in terms of wrestling, but she’ll get there. She has something that Naomi cannot learn by herself… personality. This promo was actually a little brutal in its honesty, but I have to agree with Kaitlyn on her assessment of Naomi.

 

NAOMI: Says she’s the people want the best wrestler right now, and that’s her. She than thanks everyone, and says she can finish this contest with no regrets. So once again… a generic face promo from Naomi.

 

            Striker tells them to get ready… cause they will face each other next!!!

 

KAITLYN

VS.

NAOMI

 

            Just to get my usual ass kissing of Kaitlyn out of the way, this match goes a long way to show how much she’s progressed. Remember how horrible that match with Maxine was? Trust me, she’s gotten a lot better.

 

            Still not perfect, but her fuck ups are hysterical. Like when she does a giant swing, spins too much, and clearly gets too dizzy to stand properly. Naomi and Kaitlyn actually have an okay match that’s given a nice length of time too. Cole tries to sell the other Pro’s reactions to this match as boredom, but they were probably amazed to see a Divas match longer than 3 minutes.

 

            After a nice back and forth, Kaitlyn hits a small package for the upset!

 

WINNER: KAITLYN

 

            Good match once again. Vickie however decides to ruin this moment by talking, and introduces us to the next Season 4 Pro… Dolph Ziggler! Ziggler, who looks like he’s heading to his part time job at Chippendales, introduces his Rookie… Jacob Novak… Christ these names suck! This Novak kid looks wicked familiar. Anyone know him from somewhere?

 

            Striker announces its time for the Pro’s to tally up their votes one last time, as we get ready to crown a new diva… yay?

 

OFF TOPIC: Daniel Bryan needs new theme music.

 

            Speaking of Bryan, he’s a Pro on NXT now! That’s kinda funny. His Rookie is Derrick Bateman, who sadly doesn’t live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street (Tweet me if you got that reference). However, this man is a catch phrase machine! Giving us such nuggets as being “an adventurous hunk who lives for danger…” and my personal favorite “Mantastic”. I’m going to use that word once everyday from now on. Hey, I just realized there’s a good chance we’ll get another Bryan vs. Ziggler match! Nice!

 

            Striker is back with the eliminated for the customary “Who do you think should win” interview.

 

JAMIE: Naomi because she brings more to the table.

 

AJ: Kaitlyn, because they’re best friends. Duh.

 

MAXINE: Naomi because its none of our business.

 

AKSANA: After asking Striker out on a date (You can do better Aksana), she chooses herself. Aksana went to the Michael Tarver School of Promos, I see.

 

            After some promos for stuff no one cares about, we get our final Pro… Alberto Del Rio! Nice! His Rookie is… Conan O’Brien?! Awesome! Maybe an Abraham Washington feud is com- oh wait, the guy’s name is Connor O’Brian, but wow Alberto’s accent makes it sound like Conan. Connor, btw, seems to be playing the Patrick Bateman type of persona here. Hey if his entrance is him running to the ring naked wielding a chainsaw, I’m all for it.

 

            Wow WWE. Absolutely no imagination went into these names, did they?

 

            Well, time to introduce the winner, and its- YES! YES! YES! YEEEEEEEEEEES!

 

Character Retrospective: Naomi

 

BEGINNING: Generic African American Character #342

 

NOW: She’s actually very exceptional.  Stood out easily, and if she had just a little more charisma, she could have taken this.

 

FUTURE: She’ll be back. She’s probably going to be Kofi’s valet or something, but she’ll be back.

 

            AWESOME! The one I wanted to win, actually won!  Kaitlyn has won it, and she’s in disbelief, as is Naomi. Naomi does a very honorable congratulations speech to Kaitlyn and bows out. Kaitlyn while tearing up thanks everyone and promises to get better and better. She even tries for an “Aksana sucks”, which falls flat humorously. AJ comes to the ring to embrace Kaitlyn, in a scene I’ll compare to Beniot and Eddie hugging at Wrestlemania XX just to piss people off. 

 

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  Kaitlyn wins, and this show was a testament to why that was the right choice.

 

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  R Truth is a Pro next Season ~_~;;;

 

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  Conan O’Brien to try for WWE Contract next week!

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).