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Malcolm Not in the Middle


            Hey TWFers! Malcolm here, and welcome to the 30th edition of the rant! We’ve had a pretty busy couple of days, have we not? We had Survivor Series, which was kinda a mixed bag. I’ll be honest; the first hour and a half of it was awesome. Great matches that made me VERY excited about the future of the company. Bryan and Ted had a surprisingly good match; Sheamus and Morrison had a fantastic match that made me hopeful for the future of Morrison; and Kaval and Dolph had the match of the night.


            Thus far it looked like it was money well spent… then the rest of the card happened. The ending to that Survivor Series match was BS, as I’m getting annoyed with Big Show and Mysterio always winning. Edge and Kane was BORING, and that ending was stupid. I could not understand how Santino and Koslov vs. Nexus got the second to last match on the card; and really Nexus, did you need full back up to beat those two?


            Finally the main event, the reason most people bought this PPV… Christ what a letdown this was. I mean what the hell? They build up this match (And I do mean only this match) for a solid month, act like something huge was gonna happen… and silly me for trusting the WWE.  Really nothing happened. Cena called the match down the middle and now he’s “fired”. Its already pretty apparent that Cena will continue appear on RAW despite being fired; much like he continued to fight Nexus members while being a part of Nexus.  So really… NOTHING HAPPENED.


            So the bad news? I learned from this PPV that at its heart, WWE has no balls. They couldn’t go a week without Cena, and they don’t want to risk turning him heel. So things remain status quo.  Now yes, I realize I’m talking an awful lot about nothing changing… but there was one major change.


            Yeah, we have a new champion. Miz finally cashed in! For those who believe he sucks and that he doesn’t deserve this… sit the fuck down and shut up. We have a new champion, and some new freakin blood in the main event scene and, no pun intended, that’s awesome.  Will he keep it long? No. In fact  I expect him to lose it back to Orton at TLC. Why? Cause as I said, WWE doesn’t have any balls. So they’ll drop the belt off Miz quickly… but let’s soak this in for a second. Miz did it. He’s a bonafide main eventer, and I at least have hope that his star will continue to raise, and hopefully he’ll get a nice healthy reign by his 3rd one. But hey, congratulations, Miz. You are in fact awesome!


            Anyway, we have an elimination tonight. I hope that it’s Naomi… but like I said WWE has no balls. Blah, blah, blah stupid opening; blah, blah, blah default opening. Striker announces once again that tonight we have an elimination and that next week will be the final episode of season 3. He also makes it a point to mention that there will be no immunity with the challenges this week. Despite this, we’re going to have them anyway. A fact that lacks logic and is really stupid, something even Josh and Cole empathically point out. The Challenges this week are also really stupid.




            Just as you’d expect, Striker asks a question, you answer it correctly, you get points. BTW if you guess that all of them buzz in way too early, buzz in for an annoyingly long time, and piss even Striker off… 200 points for you.


            I’ll just run down the questions, answers, and who got it.


First Category: All things NXT for 100 points each…


1) Who won Season 1?

Answer: Wade Barrett

By Naomi


2) Who were the first female nxt pros?

Answer: Laycool



3) Name of the immigration officer?

Answer: Dick Dickopolis(sp?)

by AJ


4) Who was Daniel Bryan pro?

Answer: Miz



EDITOR’S NOTE: A Mention of the Miz’s name gets a HUGE chorus of boos.


This Round, all points are 200 points, and the category is All things WWE.


5) Which arena was the first Wrestlemania?

Answer: Madison Square Garden



6) Who defeated and ended Shawn Michael’s career at Wrestlemania?

Answer: Taker



7) Which WWE hall of famer reigned as the WWE womens champion for years?

Answer: Moolah



8) What is the WWE’s annual holiday visit to our troops?

Answer: Tribute to the Troops



9) Who is the Game?

Answer: Triple H



Final Score

AJ: 1300

Naomi: 100

Kaitlyn: 0


            I’m starting to think they could save a lot of time if the other rookies just surrendered when taking on AJ in these trivia contests. Kaitlyn stays in the ring as she’s taking on the Triple H of this program, Nikki Bella.


            A Commercial for King of the ring is shown, and I’m stoked! I love King of the Ring, and it looks like they are actually trying with this one! The guys they have set to compete (I read the spoilers for Smackdown) Is really good, as I could see any of them winning it! Gotta love a three hour RAW that has to be mostly wrestling! Also, its gonna be the first show of WWE Champion The Miz’s reign. Looking forward to it!






            Speaking of WWE having no balls, what is up with Nikki’s “heel turn”? Its weird cause she’s acting like a heel on NXT, but she still acts like a moronic face on RAW. As a result, people don’t know how to react to her. In fact, she was getting a lot of cheers here.


            Anyway, this was just a lengthy squash as Nikki dominated Kaitlyn.  An X Factor later, and this is all she wrote.


WINNER: Nikki Bella


            BTW, what the hell was that last RAW with the Bellas hanging all over Bryan? In fact, most of the Diva’s hormones seemed to be on overdrive last night. PG my ass… Oh well, Bryan earned a lot of brownie points from me for passing on the both of them. Considering how many guest hosts they’ve banged, there’s no telling what’s in-between those legs.


            We get a “Goodbye” Cena package… are you fucking kidding me? WWE has already patented, and I’m not kidding, the name Juan Cena. He’s not gone. In fact, this probably means we’re going to see more of him than before, he just won’t wrestle… okay, so I guess it’s not a total loss.


            After a commercial for a stupid movie, we have a match… that could potentially be really awesome… no seriously.






            Worker’s Paradise! … For reals!


            This match was hands down the best match thus far this season. Yes I know that isn’t saying much, but trust me this was a great match. Hell, I’d say this was one of the best Diva’s matches that I’ve seen period! AJ played the face in peril, while Naomi did a lot of dominating maneuvers. Which is fair, as AJ is super tiny.


            This match is definitely worth a watch, as these two really gave it there all in this match, and showed you that while the show has been seen as a joke, they could go. Even Cole said this was a great match, and his job is to hate NXT!


            After a lot of nearfalls, AJ finally locks on her finisher the Octopus, and while Naomi hangs on for awhile… she eventually taps.




            That was impressive, gotta admit. Hats off to them! We get the graphic reminding us that an elimination will take place tonight! But first…wait… seriously?




            …yah. They dress up in those mutant sumo suits, and try to drive one another out of the ring… huh. I dunno what to say, this one is beyond stupid…


1st Match: Kaitlyn vs. Naomi


            The ref for this match is an idiot. A lot of back and forth pushing and shoving,; till finally Naomi lunges at Kaitlyn and knocks her out. Kaitlyn went out first, but since Naomi went out over her, she loses. Huh?


Winner: Kaitlyn

2nd Match: Kaitlyn vs. AJ


            Well it took some time, but it looks like the two friends are going to wrestle each other. Sadly though, it’s a mutant sumo match. LONG BORING match here, as Kaitlyn gets her out a few times, but as I said, the ref is stupid and misses it. Finally, Kaitlyn shoves enough of AJ out so that the ref finally acknowledges it.


Winner: Kaitlyn


            So Kaitlyn wins… well nothing really. Like it was mentioned, there is no immunity this week, so what’s the point? Oh well, its over. Elimination time is almost here… but first we get a RAW Rewind of last nights RAW featuring the new champ. Kudos to whoever makes this video, as one of the best moments was after Orton retained against Barrett and the “AWESOME!” call of Miz’s theme hit, and Orton has this “You have to be fuckin kidding me” look on his face. Best part though when Miz pins him, and it shows him this huge assortment of angry, pissed off kids and it unleashes the most demonic sounding “Awesome!” that I’ve ever heard. Good stuff.


            Finally a backstage segment with the Rookies, who are asked who should be eliminate. AJ and Kaitlyn both say Naomi, as they (as well as myself) want to see them in the final. Naomi says Kaitlyn should go because she can’t wrestle. Perhaps Naomi, but ya see… Kaitlyn ain’t freakin boring!


            The Pro’s pretend to tally their votes, as we commercials!


OFF TOPIC: I forgot to do Off Topics for this entry… my bad.


            And its elimination time, and I hope to god its Naomi… ah crap…


Character Retrospective: AJ


BEGINNING: I didn’t get the whole nerd thing, and still think the gimmick needs glasses. Upon research, I read that WWE hope she could become their new Mickie James. So I was hopeful.


NOW: Proved herself and then some. While I’m a Kaitlyn fan, Aj was cool shit. She was (in my opinion) the best wrestler there, and had a goofy personality. Once her and Kaitlyn became friends, the energy those two had was really nice and helped me enjoy this show.


Let me just say, this elimination was a shock, even to Cole and Josh. This girl literally did that all that was expected of her, and did it well. It’s a really shame, and I now this will kinda be a disputed finish.


FUTURE: Has to be signed to WWE. She could easily make it on her own, but I’d love to see her and Kaitlyn do something together.


            So AJ is gone, and does the traditional “Goodbye Speech”, which is pretty nice, as she gets a good send off here. A bunch of hugs from Kaitlyn later, and the show is over.


BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  AJ vs. Naomi easily. A match everyone should see.


AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  The Kaitlyn AJ duo is finally split.


WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  The best wrestler was the third eliminated? Really?



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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).