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WWE NXT RANT

By

Malcolm Not in the Middle

 

            Hey guys, Malcolm Not in the Middle here. Sorry for the lateness of this column, this will be the last time, I promise. Mainly because I’m just realizing we are coming closer to the end of this season of NXT, and with no sign of another season (and especially how craptastic this season has been) I dunno if we should expect one. Which means if I can’t think of something else, this maybe it for me here at TWF! Truth be told though, I’ve enjoyed my time here. Sean and Halo have been pretty cool with me (Halo more in a dysfunctional sense), so maybe I could think of something else? Stay tuned, I’ll keep you all updated as to my future here with TWF.

 

            Speaking of the future…  Has anyone been keeping track of this LTR Contest going on? First right off the bat, how is it we have a contest that based heavily on NXT… and yet the Writer who covers NXT isn’t even a Pro?! Come on! Secondly, I apparently picked the wrong time to join  TWF. A few months later, I could have gotten a free video game out of this gig! Oh well, given the length of this contest, its going to be what? Five months before they get this game?

 

            Anyway, I decided to check this contest out more in depth this week. Last time I had checked out the contest, the Goot Van Piddlefuck dude decided to drop out… and seriously, people were surprised that the dumbass with the stupid name dropped out?

 

            I was especially curious with this challenge as it was a column challenge… which you know, is pretty much what the winner is going to be doing. After reading the entries… Christ people. Okay, here’s the thing: I cover a show that’s about 60 minutes, from which I write about 4-5 pages weekly. Granted, my ability to recap the matches sucks, but I make up for this in other areas. These guys were doing recaps of shows that were about 3x that of NXT, and most were giving recaps that were equal to mine in length!  Which proves to me one of two things: 1) I work way too hard or 2) Some people need to step it up.

 

            Now, I could rip into some of these entries, but that’s really not cool. I however will endorse one DN Spunk. Why? Well, first off his profile pic isn’t stupid. He actually goes out of his way to look cool… which humorously sets him apart from the others.  Plus he did the following:

 

1)      Wrote a nice size column

2)      Very nicely detailed

3)      Good use of Bold print 

4)      Told you who won via WINNER: section

           

            So ya, good job there. Also Sean, you may wanna look into this Paul G Parry guy, as I’m not entirely convinced he’s not a shaved Joe Merrick. Just sayin.

 

            Anyway, I should probably start to cover this show, eh? They start us off with a pretty lame opening, as we are actually down to the final four… which would be more exciting if it wasn’t for the fact we started with six women. I use the whole “…” thing a lot, don’t I? Now for those keeping score, the week heading into an elimination, all storylines with Aksana (Her holding onto the million dollar belt) were just abruptly ended. This is what we call in the business as red flag. So you know who my pick is…

 

            Dumb opening, and we are… taped, as we have two episodes left after this. Default opening as Striker introduces the Rookies in case we forgot. BTW, is it me or did they fast forward the opening theme a bit? So Striker starts congratulating the Rookies on their victories. He goes to AJ, and congratulates her for winning the “How well do you know your Pro” contest… wait, he means Guess the Pro. Huh. He then introduces us to the next challenge:

 

CHALLENGE: How Well Do You Know Your Pro?

 

            Huh. Well, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

 

            Pro’s are now introduced. I have to say, I love how Primo is no longer Primo Colon, he’s just Primo. That, and his gimmick is that he’s Puerto Rican. WWE! A Global company!

 

            Rules are simple. The Pro’s all have queue cards with their answers to questions on them. The Rookies need to correctly guess what their Pro put down on the card to get points. There will be three questions in all.

 

            Question 1) When I first saw my Rookie, I thought she was _________

 

            AJ guesses Primo thought she was underage... wow, that’s kinda specific. Primo’s answer was that she was 16 years old… huh. Point one for AJ.

 

            Up next is Aksana. She guesses Goldust thought she was hot. Goldust answer is kinda surprising in its honesty, as he answers sexy. The crowd and Striker decide that’s close enough and allow the point to go to Aksana.

 

            Kaitlyn is up next. She decides to be funny and guess she said “so much prettier than me”. Vickie reveals her answer was “a man”. Even Kaitlyn had to laugh, as this was one actually pretty funny.

 

            Last up is the Innovator of Boring, Naomi. She guesses athletic, which is what Kelly guessed, and thus revealing this entire show is a work.

 

            Question 2) One a scale from one to five (5 being the best) how would you rate your Rookie?

 

            Naomi is first this time, and she guesses a five… to which her bff concurs. Another point for Naomi.

 

            Kaitlyn does the intelligent thing for this question. Her and Vickie are technically feuding, and given her last response, you’d think all her answers will be insulting. So she guesses a one, which is a smart choice… however, Vickie said a three? Huh? So all of a sudden, she has a high opinion of Kaitlyn, really?

 

            Aksana says he better have said five. Or else what? Goldust reveals he put down a 3, which is once again a surprising answer.

 

            Aj is last, and she says there’s always room for improvement, so she guesses a 4. Primo’s answer is- FUCK THIS COMPETITION! Seriously? She guessed that right?

 

            FINAL QUESTION 3) Who does your Pro think should be eliminated?

 

            Just gonna list this last one…

 

AJ – Aksana

Primo – Aksana

 

Aksana – Kait

G – AJ

 

Kait – Naomi

Vick – Naomi

 

Naomi – Aksana

Kelly – Kait

 

WINNER: AJ

 

            Wow, that didn’t feel at all scripted. Really WWE? You can’t even let this one go without interference? Your just going to hire these last three anyway….

 

OFF TOPIC: I’m officially sick of the Cena-Barrett feud. Nothing has changed. I hate these “If you lose, you have to follow us” storylines because the fucker NEVER goes with it! Cena has wrestled the Nexus MORE since joining them than when he wasn’t Nexus.  Plus I cannot stand the half assness of this angle. Is the WWE that desperate for money that they can’t chance the Cena merch sales going down by having him wear a Nexus shirt?

 

Also, this angle makes Barrett look like a tool. God forbid they admit he has a chance to beat Orton on his own.

 

            We’re back and thrown violently into a match!      

 

NAOMI

VS.

KAITLYN

 

            I personally liked this match, as it shows that Kaitlyn has improved her moveset in the ring. No, she’s not perfect. She’s still a little too quick with her pace, and can still be a little awkward in there. However, this was a very passable match… which is really all you can ask out of a Diva’s match nowadays.

 

            Naomi looks as good as she normally does, which will work out great when she’s being used to put over Maryse and LayCool. She still needs a freakin finisher. First she beats Maxine with a headbutt, and now she ends this one with a dropkick? Really?

 

WINNER: Naomi

 

            Vickie is really PO’ed as she makes some very loud screams at Kaitlyn about her being a failure. Kinda makes me wonder what life was like for Eddy back home. And you thought that match with Brock was a tough battle?

 

            We cut to a reply of last week, and Goldust supporting Naomi (By just standing there) and… “Helping” her beat his Rookie Aksana because I guess we’ve never seen a Pro not getting along with his Rookie. We cut to the back, as Askana who gives Goldust some flowers to apologize for the whole “Slapping you in the face at the Wedding” deal. She compares getting married to Goldust to receiving the one Ring from Lord of the Rings… Really? It’s like that? Goldust is insulted that Aksana just compared a work of fiction to their marriage… which if memory serves was just a work of fiction to keep Aksana in the country.  How is Goldust the face again? Aksana asks again for his help, and Goldust reluctantly complies.

 

OFF TOPIC: I saw 12 Rounds the other day, and you know what? It wasn’t bad! Not the best show ever, but it was all right and I didn’t regret spending the money to rent it. Thing is I probably would have seen it sooner if the WWE commercials hadn’t made me sick of it BEFORE I even saw it. Think about that WWE next time you green light 12 Knucklehead commercials on a single show.

 

            You know what’s awesome about Wrestlemania time? Getting to see commercial after commercial for it… when it isn’t even time for the Royal Rumble.

 

            Another match!

 

AJ w/ Primo

VS.

AKSANA w/ Gol-whoops!

 

            Goldust stops at the top of the ramp, and decides to let Aksana fed for her. That’s right for tonight; she’ll have to do without pearls of wisdom like “Come on!” or “Keep doing that!” or “Yeah!” Damn…

 

            This match was also pretty good, as Aksana is learning as well. Either that, or AJ is pretty good at carrying people. This will serve her well when she’s being used to make guys like Maryse or LayCool look good.

 

            Aksana, as I said, seriously does good in this match, as I think she’s settling very well into the heel role, and even does some really nice heel tactics. Shame she’s going to get eliminated this week.

 

            Move of this match (and a great showing of flexibility by AJ) is this intense camel clutch looking move. Has to be seen. Speaking of submission, AJ makes history locking in a sick looking abdominal stretch variation that gets the tap out! AJ becomes the first Diva in history to win a match without using a weak move or a schoolboy!

 

WINNER: AJ

 

            Goldust smirks from the top of the ramp, reveling in the fact that he’s now completely useless. Our next challenge is the “Diss the Diva” Challenge… because all 4 Divas here are great talkers…

 

OFF TOPIC: Wow, Smackdown’s main event scene sucks. Let me guess, Kane and Edge are going to feud for 4 months as well? Also, how is Edge the face in this feud, with the kidnapping of Kane’s dad and all?

 

CHALLENGE: DISS THE DIVA

 

            The rules are pretty easy to figure out. Divas have one minute to diss the competition. I’m already not a fan of this one as this challenge is a lot better when we’re down to the final two. Plus, these 4 already aren’t spectacular talkers to begin with.

 

AJ – Really isn’t good at this talking thing. She compared Naomi to a dripping faucet , which even Naomi doesn’t get. It is a bit longwinded, which Cole is nice enough to point out… why is Cole’s definition of a heel acting like a 5 year old?

 

Aksana – I could not understand a word she said. You know what she needs? Subtitles! Seriously, how hysterical would that be? Goldust’s face through all of this is priceless, as he appears to have the same problem I have,

 

Kaitlyn – Cannot get 3 words out before she is attacked by Aksana, which I guess is a gimmick for her now as I remember she was attacked by Naomi during a promo once too. She cannot get 3 words out, and Aksana attacks her again… and time expires!? Really? They couldn’t even restart the clock for their webshow?

 

Naomi - Doesn’t do a great promo, but its better. I think the crowd just liked the fact she threatened Aksana at one point.

 

            Really, these promos ALL SUCKED. The crowd has to pick a winner… and I do not envy them.

 

WINNER: NAOMI

 

            Which I believe means AJ gets immunity. Crap, Kaitlyn is in trouble if it’s down to her and Naomi, who seem to have most of the crowd behind her. Anyway, its time for the Pro’s to tally their votes, as somebody’s going home.

 

OFF TOPIC: I kinda enjoyed Old School Raw. Would be nice to see the legends do something other than make a fool of themselves, but it was cool… and is Tatanka really considered a legend? Really?

 

            We get a recap of WWE’s weakass Survivor Series card. I just love this new trend of WWE where they advertise 3 matches for a card, and then the week before suddenly reveal the other 7 matches. Do they really have that little faith in their midcard?

 

            Striker on the ramp to pick the Pro’s brain to ask when they are looking for in a Diva. The Brie Bella goes on about them looking for whoever is “Sexy. Powerful. Smart.” Nikki Bella grabs the mic to continue her “Heel turn on NXT only” angle, saying she wants someone with class… remember that the people who said those last two comments where the MF’ing  Bellas, the ones known for hitting on every guest host EVER. Nikki is sure to shit on the Rookies, which is great.

 

            We then go to Alicia Fox, who continues to belittle the Rookies saying she feels like she’s watching Diva Daycare (says the one with the Tiara). She then calls them Hungry Piranha, and says she’s looking for a woman… I’m missing Aksana’s mic skills more and more.

 

OFF TOPIC: Another Knucklehead commercial? That’s it, I hate the Big Show…

 

            Elimination time! Who will it be… oh look at that! Called it!

 

 

Character Retrospective: Aksana

 

BEGINNING: Thought she was annoying, and prayed she was eliminated quickly.

 

NOW: Completely made me change my opinion of her. While I did dislike her, her work with Goldust wasn’t bad. In fact, I enjoyed it. Plus, she seemed to really be getting the hang of the whole heel thing, so she showed me she has a definite future!

 

FUTURE: She could use a tiny bit of ring seasoning… but Divas don’t need to wrestle. She could go on RAW next week as someone’s valet and continue to feud with Goldust. Could you imagine her and Santino?! Aksana will be fine, trust me.

 

            Aksana sells the shock by fainting (that was pretty funny), and then swearing to Striker that she will go to Vince and have him do a recount… while in a coma. She heads up the ramp, only for Goldust to cut her off… and give her divorce papers. Oh snap!

 

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD: The two matches on the card were actually really good!

 

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  Give this to the overall predictability of this show.

 

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  WWE reveals that everything here is scripted… which shouldn’t be surprising, but still.

 

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).