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Malcolm Not in the Middle



            Hey guys, Malcolm Not in the here. Back from a ruthless hacker hacking into the TWF website and preventing our leader Sean Carless from going onto the site. I’d like to think I speak for Sean Carless, TWF, and others when I say to this guy:


“Hey asshole! GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!”


            I mean really it was a pretty lousy hack. I mean he hacked into our website to change the password. That’s it, nothing really that major, it was really as boring of a hack as you can get… which makes me think maybe it was Vince McMahon. Think about it, their storylines are boring, so it makes sense that he’d do boring hacks! And they’re already taking anything with a WWE logo off the net, its about time he attacked websites that go oneabout how WWE sucks… which face it, that’s pretty much what we do here. ^_^


            We start off with a recap of the whole Goldust wedding, including the Aksana heel turn. Wow, NXT has a plethora of storyline twists… that no one cares about. And really, can anyone blame Aksana? Maybe she just realized that she’s marrying the same dude who once asked Vince if he could get breast implants.


            Still standing here in Manchester, England. We start with our default- wait no!  Goldust comes out immediately for some answers. BTW, I hate Josh Matthews when Goldust is out there, simply for his rationale for Goldust stealing the belt. Claiming he’s “just borrowing it, he’ll give it back”. Yup, this program is good for kids.


            I snicker as Goldust demands Aksana come out, as if he’s going to kick her ass.  This is literally a feud with no pay off. Aksana comes out with the Million Dollar belt she re-stole on Monday. She’s getting some good heat admittingly. However, she makes me lose faith in the angle as she announces she did this because it’s all about her… so she did it because she’s a jerk? Wow, that’s a deep. She claims she’s going to divorce Goldust and take him for half because that’s the American way… this actually fairly true.


            However, both prove to be idiots when:

1)      Aksana claims she’s going to take half of the Million Dollar belt… a belt that Goldust doesn’t own.

2)      Goldust says he’s going to send her back to Lithuania… a power he doesn’t have.


            Naomi then comes out to be annoying, and stick her nose in something that’s really none of her business. A lot of “My name is Naomi and since I’m a face, I have to come out her and yell at heels a lot” takes place. Aksana asks Goldust for advice, which suprises even Goldust. From this, a “Wrestlemania Quality” Main Event is made, as Aksana will take on Naomi. Yay?


OFF TOPIC: Halo can go to hell, that’s shoot… Yay! Shoots are awesome!


            The next challenge is taking place, god damn to I want Kaitlyn at this point. I apologize, but I guess I’m a pretty simple guy. The hat and the kinda revealing tank top is damn hot.




            I’m okay with this challenge, as I can see how “Which Diva’s strongest?” is a factor on who becomes a wrestler (musical chairs, not so much). Plus Kaitlyn has earned my vote as her attire makes sense now as its an “Over the Top” reference. Awesome.


            Anyway, we have here an arm wrestling, so the rules are pretty obvious. Kaitlyn and Aksana should be the heavy favorites here as they were both bodybuilders for the longest time. The matches are going to be tournament style, with the winners wrestling in the finals.


AJ vs. Aksana


            Skinniest girl vs. one of the strongest… gee I wonder?


WINNER: Aksana


Naomi vs. Kaitlyn


            Kaitlyn makes me proud.


WINNER: Kaitlyn


FINAL MATCH: Kaitlyn vs. Aksana


            BTW, Kaitlyn completed the reference by turning her cap around before her first match. Unfortunately, the commentators don’t mention it, despite Josh mentioning movie!


            This was actually pretty close, with Kaitlyn slowly but surely winning, but Aksana really holding on. Finally, she tried to cheat by pulling her hair and got caught… which actually helps with her heel character.


WINNER: Kaitlyn           


            We are promised a Nikki Bella vs. AJ match next… and I don’t know how to feel about that.


OFF TOPIC: I’m actually excited for old Raw, and I can’t wait to see how they fuck it up somehow.


            So apparently, this whole Nikki Bella heel turn is an NXT only angle, meaning she’s a good guy every else. Making even less sense, why does Brie have a problem with the whole “Twin Magic” thing? You can’t say she doesn’t want to cheat, she’s been cheating for over a year now! So really its just Nikki being more aggressive. Oh whatever…






            This match was pretty much 90% Nikki killing AJ, and surprisingly showing off a moveset.  Pretty by the book match for the most part. Most exciting part came when a voice suddenly said “Avast! Your virus update is complete!” Okay, so maybe the match wasn’t that okay.


            End comes when Brie refuses to do the Twin Magic move, and AJ gets a roll up. I love how even Josh and Cole point out that this makes no sense as well.




            The announcers go on congratulating Primo for stopping Twin Magic, despite the fact he never did anything, or touched them. Wow, they’re really reaching for Primo to be anything but useless.


            Standup for WWE commercial… Still don’t feel like it.


OFF TOPIC: David “Starscream” Otunga vs. Edge. Wow, how awesome is that main event? It seems kinda stupid that they’re giving away Kane vs. Big Show, as that’s the last big contender Kane would have.




            This next challenge is pretty straightforward. They show old pics of old WWE superstars and the Rookies have to guess who’s who. This challenge annoys me off the bat, as they give Kaitlyn a bad horn. Anyway, here’s the answers, and who guessed them.


Eve – AJ

Jack Swagger – AJ

John Cena – Naomi

Chavo – Kaitlyn

Jerry Lawler – no one (He looked nothing like how he looks now)

Mark Henry – Kaitlyn


            Kaitlyn and AJ are tied, and they have to do a tiebreaker pic. This scene is funny as they practically have a mini-wrestling match over who sounded their horn. I have to say, I really do enjoy the Kaitlyn-AJ relationship. You can tell, they are really good friends, and they are having a blast together. I hope its them in the finals, cause it’s going to be really depressing when one of them is eliminated.


Morrison – AJ




            We cut to the commercial for Knucklehead, a movie that I really hate due to them only advertise for it on WWE shows. I love that in this one, Show has to flat out say “This movie will open your hearts!” Nothing makes your heart warm more than a 7 foot 400 pound behemoth yelling how heart warming his family film is.


OFF TOPIC: Saw the commercial for the Cena Experience. Not my favorite wrestler, but I’m kinda curious to see what life as Cena is like.


            We get a Survivor Series rundown… of both matches signed. Seriously WWE? Two weeks till Survivor Series, and you really have 3 matches? Is that the new way of getting me to get the PPV? Advertise just the main events, and the rest are a surprise?


            We replay the whole Dolph and Kait thing from last week, and then cut to Kaitlyn and Vickie in the back so they can have another catfight. I love how the only interesting one of this group is the one who can’t wrestle. Cole gets line of the night for saying: They should just have NXT backstage; it’s the best part of the show.


OFF TOPIC: Do they really need to hype Wrestlemania this much?


            Naomi is out to be ugly as we have our big main event.






            Goldust comes down to the ring, and the announcers actually argue about whom he’s here to support. Really? So Goldust stands next to Kelly on the apron to support Naomi…, which would, mean something if the Pro’s were anything but useless.


            All kidding aside, this was a good match. As much as I can’t stand Naomi… she’s a great wrestler and it showed in this match. Aksana really impressed me in this one too, as she actually had a decent move set.


            One Harlem sidekick later, Naomi wins.




            Goldust applauds Naomi, and looks down (literally) on Aksana. A move that no doubt will stop her from taking him for half his- oh wait.


BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  To be fair, I guess it goes to Aksana vs. Naomi


AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  The reveal for why Aksana betrayed Goldust






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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).