WWE NXT RANT
By
Malcolm Not in the Middle
11/9/10
Hey guys, Malcolm Not in the here. Back from a
ruthless hacker hacking into the TWF website and
preventing our leader Sean Carless from going onto the
site. I’d like to think I speak for Sean Carless, TWF,
and others when I say to this guy:
“Hey
asshole! GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!”
I mean really it was a pretty lousy hack. I mean
he hacked into our website to change the password.
That’s it, nothing really that major, it was really as
boring of a hack as you can get… which makes me think
maybe it was Vince McMahon. Think about it, their
storylines are boring, so it makes sense that he’d do
boring hacks! And they’re already taking anything with a
WWE logo off the net, its about time he attacked
websites that go oneabout how WWE sucks… which face it,
that’s pretty much what we do here. ^_^
We start off with a recap of the whole Goldust
wedding, including the Aksana heel turn. Wow, NXT has a
plethora of storyline twists… that no one cares about.
And really, can anyone blame Aksana? Maybe she just
realized that she’s marrying the same dude who once
asked Vince if he could get breast implants.
Still standing here in
I snicker as Goldust demands Aksana come out, as
if he’s going to kick her ass. This is
literally a feud with no pay off. Aksana comes out with
the Million Dollar belt she re-stole on Monday. She’s
getting some good heat admittingly. However, she makes
me lose faith in the angle as she announces she did this
because it’s all about her… so she did it because she’s
a jerk? Wow, that’s a deep. She claims she’s going to
divorce Goldust and take him for half because that’s the
American way… this actually fairly true.
However, both prove to be idiots when:
1)
Aksana
claims she’s going to take half of the Million Dollar
belt… a belt that Goldust doesn’t own.
2)
Goldust
says he’s going to send her back to
Naomi then comes out to be annoying, and stick
her nose in something that’s really none of her
business. A lot of “My name is Naomi and since I’m a
face, I have to come out her and yell at heels a lot”
takes place. Aksana asks Goldust for advice, which
suprises even Goldust. From this, a “Wrestlemania
Quality” Main Event is made, as Aksana will take on
Naomi. Yay?
OFF TOPIC: Halo can
go to hell, that’s shoot… Yay! Shoots are awesome!
The next challenge is taking place, god damn to I
want Kaitlyn at this point. I apologize, but I guess I’m
a pretty simple guy. The hat and the kinda revealing
tank top is damn hot.
CHALLENGE: ARM WRESTLING!
I’m okay with this challenge, as I can see how
“Which Diva’s strongest?” is a factor on who becomes a
wrestler (musical chairs, not so much). Plus Kaitlyn has
earned my vote as her attire makes sense now as its an
“Over the Top” reference. Awesome.
Anyway, we have here an arm wrestling, so the
rules are pretty obvious. Kaitlyn and Aksana should be
the heavy favorites here as they were both bodybuilders
for the longest time. The matches are going to be
tournament style, with the winners wrestling in the
finals.
AJ vs. Aksana
Skinniest girl vs. one of the strongest… gee I
wonder?
WINNER: Aksana
Naomi vs. Kaitlyn
Kaitlyn makes me proud.
WINNER: Kaitlyn
FINAL MATCH: Kaitlyn vs. Aksana
BTW, Kaitlyn completed the reference by turning
her cap around before her first match. Unfortunately,
the commentators don’t mention it, despite Josh
mentioning movie!
This was actually pretty close, with Kaitlyn
slowly but surely winning, but Aksana really holding on.
Finally, she tried to cheat by pulling her hair and got
caught… which actually helps with her heel character.
WINNER: Kaitlyn
We are promised a Nikki Bella vs. AJ match next…
and I don’t know how to feel about that.
OFF TOPIC: I’m
actually excited for old Raw, and I can’t wait to see
how they fuck it up somehow.
So apparently, this whole Nikki Bella heel turn
is an NXT only angle, meaning she’s a good guy every
else. Making even less sense, why does Brie have a
problem with the whole “Twin Magic” thing? You can’t say
she doesn’t want to cheat, she’s been cheating for over
a year now! So really its just Nikki being more
aggressive. Oh whatever…
NIKKI BELLA
VS.
AJ
This match was pretty much 90% Nikki killing AJ,
and surprisingly showing off a moveset. Pretty by the
book match for the most part. Most exciting part came
when a voice suddenly said “Avast! Your virus update is
complete!” Okay, so maybe the match wasn’t that okay.
End comes when Brie refuses to do the Twin Magic
move, and AJ gets a roll up. I love how even Josh and
Cole point out that this makes no sense as well.
WINNER: AJ
The announcers go on congratulating Primo for
stopping Twin Magic, despite the fact he never did
anything, or touched them. Wow, they’re really reaching
for Primo to be anything but useless.
Standup for WWE commercial… Still don’t feel like
it.
OFF TOPIC: David
“Starscream” Otunga vs. Edge. Wow, how awesome is that
main event? It seems kinda stupid that they’re giving
away Kane vs. Big Show, as that’s the last big contender
Kane would have.
CHALLENGE: NAME THAT SUPERSTAR
This next challenge is pretty straightforward.
They show old pics of old WWE superstars and the Rookies
have to guess who’s who. This challenge annoys me off
the bat, as they give Kaitlyn a bad horn. Anyway, here’s
the answers, and who guessed them.
Eve – AJ
Jack
Swagger – AJ
John Cena –
Naomi
Chavo –
Kaitlyn
Jerry
Lawler – no one (He looked nothing like how he looks
now)
Mark Henry
– Kaitlyn
Kaitlyn and AJ are tied, and they have to do a
tiebreaker pic. This scene is funny as they practically
have a mini-wrestling match over who sounded their horn.
I have to say, I really do enjoy the Kaitlyn-AJ
relationship. You can tell, they are really good
friends, and they are having a blast together. I hope
its them in the finals, cause it’s going to be really
depressing when one of them is eliminated.
Morrison –
AJ
WINNER: AJ
We cut to the commercial for Knucklehead, a movie
that I really hate due to them only advertise for it on
WWE shows. I love that in this one, Show has to flat out
say “This movie will open your hearts!” Nothing makes
your heart warm more than a 7 foot 400 pound behemoth
yelling how heart warming his family film is.
OFF TOPIC: Saw the
commercial for the Cena Experience. Not my favorite
wrestler, but I’m kinda curious to see what life as Cena
is like.
We get a Survivor Series rundown… of both matches
signed. Seriously WWE? Two weeks till Survivor Series,
and you really have 3 matches? Is that the new way of
getting me to get the PPV? Advertise just the main
events, and the rest are a surprise?
We replay the whole Dolph and Kait thing from
last week, and then cut to Kaitlyn and Vickie in the
back so they can have another catfight. I love how the
only interesting one of this group is the one who can’t
wrestle. Cole gets line of the night for saying: They
should just have NXT backstage; it’s the best part of
the show.
OFF TOPIC: Do they
really need to hype Wrestlemania this much?
Naomi is out to be ugly as we have our big main
event.
AKSANA
VS.
NAOMI
Goldust comes down to the ring, and the
announcers actually argue about whom he’s here to
support. Really? So Goldust stands next to Kelly on the
apron to support Naomi…, which would, mean something if
the Pro’s were anything but useless.
All kidding aside, this was a good match. As much
as I can’t stand Naomi… she’s a great wrestler and it
showed in this match. Aksana really impressed me in this
one too, as she actually had a decent move set.
One
WINNER: Naomi
Goldust applauds Naomi, and looks down
(literally) on Aksana. A move that no doubt will stop
her from taking him for half his- oh wait.
BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY
AWARD”: To be fair, I
guess it goes to Aksana vs. Naomi
AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE
AWARD”: The reveal for
why Aksana betrayed Goldust
WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS
AWARD”:
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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