WWE NXT RANT
11/2/10
by
Malcolm Not in the Middle
Hey guys and welcome to the rant!... you know, to
be honest its been awhile since I went on a good rant.
And wouldn’t ya know, I have a good one. It’s one that’s
been bugging the heck outta me for some time. Today’s subject
is No More Heroes.
Before you guys ask, no it’s not the kick ass
video game, but rather the state of wrestling right now.
See… there’s no more heroes anymore, or villains for
that matter. Faces and Heels are a thing of the past,
and do not exist, least not in the way they were
traditionally in WWE. You know, I thought guys like The
Million Dollar Man, Bobby “the Brain” Heenan, and Macho
Man were awesome back in the day… but I understood why
they were the bad guys. This is no longer true with WWE
those roles are gone. Instead they are replaced by two
new roles… Popular and Rejects.
Some of you are probably thinking “The Hell’s the
difference?” Here’s the thing, Heroes do the right
thing, and Villains do the wrong thing. Popular ones
don’t necessarily care about right and wrong (In fact,
they don’t care about logic either), they just do what
the crowd wants them to do. Even if this
means making a fool of themselves or attacking a reject
for no reason. Rejects are typically voices of reason,
and even point out the stupidity that goes on in WWE.
However, they ruin the fun of the audience when they do
this, as the crowd apparently loves stupid shit.
For example, Goldust (Popular) and Ted Dibiase
(reject). Can anyone explain to me how Goldust is the
good guy here? He literally just decided to go out and
steal something that wasn’t his because he wanted it. He
was never provoked, and Ted never acknowledged his
existence for that matter. Nope, Goldust just stole the
belt from Ted… which is fine, because Ted is a reject.
I guess I’m a traditionalist, but this annoys me.
I like having a bad guy or a good guy. Least show me Ted
attacking Goldust or something to let Goldust be
justified. Thing is, the heroes on WWE TV… don’t really
act like heroes anymore. Faces in WWE are really just
bullies. Nothing heroic there… oh well,
I also released that I don’t have time to finish
with my Bragging rights review. So to wrap this up:
1.
Taker and
Kane sucked, and they need to stop wrestling each other.
2.
The
Bragging Rights match was good.
3.
Barrett and
Orton being the last match was a stupid move.
Me and Halo started playing a game on Twitter
called Movie in my Pants. All you have to do is list
movie titles that sound funny when you add “in my pants”
at the end. I decided my favorite ones would be the
subjects of this week’s Off Topics.
Anyway, NXT time were we have both a wedding and
elimination… this is going to be a long night.
We start
with our default opening, and it leads right into our
first challenge.
Challenge #1: Kissing Contest
A challenge no doubt inspired by the Bellas’
consistent making out with random guest hosts. Sides,
Batista will be back at some point, you have to be good
at kissing strangers… Why are they trying to be Divas
again?
It starts out as a kissing contest with special
judge- come on, you know its Hornswoggle. Kaitlyn and
him go to town, which he likes. Maxine tells him no,
that’s stupid (she’s a reject) and tells him to leave
the ring… which he does. Awesome!
Dashing Cody Rhodes comes out to replace him.
Cody is pretty entertaining here as he applies chapstick
on for 5 minutes before kissing Kaitlyn, and spraying
mint spray in Maxine’s mouth before attempting to kiss
her (He kisses her hand instead). Naomi refuses,
to which Cody makes a funny diss at her expense. AJ and
her go full tilt in their kiss and Cody is floored. It’s
academic from here.
WINNER: AJ
OFF TOPIC: There
Will be Blood in my Pants
Cannot believe I covered a kissing contest. We
cut to AJ and Primo in the back, Primo going on that he
was a little jealous of Cody. AJ decides he has
something to tell Primo and drags him a room to talk.
First room they go in has Dusty Rhodes macking with the
Bellas... wow, they sure are whores.
Back to a match! Wait a second…
ALICIA FOX
VS.
KELLY KELLY
Why the hell is this match happening? This does
no favors for any of the Rookies!
I’d have covered this match, but the new Naruto
manga was translated, and I was busy reading that. Can
you really blame me? It was a Kelly/Fox match for
Christ’s sake!
WINNER:
Kelly Kelly
We cut to the back for another segment of Primo
and AJ looking for a spot to make out… to discover
Maxine and Hornswoggle making out… Really?
We come back, to yet another challenge.
Challenge #2: Find the Flag
The point of this one is for the Rookies to
search through presents to find an orange flag… Christ
if that flag was in a giant fudge sundae, we’d have a
Double Dare challenge! Ah man, think how much more
awesome this show would be if it was all challenges from
Double Dare?
WINNER:
Kaitlyn
So Naomi gets immunity, and I have to deal with
her for another couple of weeks… please make the hurting
stop. We then cut to WWE begging the fans to make the
mean Politicians leave them alone. Oh, I mean to Stand
Up for WWE.
OFF TOPIC:
Paranormal Activity in my Pants
The decorators are going to work decorating the
ring as we return. You know whom I blame for this? Macho
Man. God forbid he had a regular wedding off camera,
instead of starting this weird wedding fad in wrestling.
Cut to a Survivor Series rundown… of one match.
Question here, how is Cena’s situation a hard one? So he
could screw Orton (A guy he hates, and who tried to end
his career on multiple occasions) and be free to enjoy
his passion again… or be fired. Wrestling is so stupid
nowadays.
And now, part three of AJ and Primo’s attempt at
making out… and they bump into Ziggler and Kaitlyn
making out?! WOW, I TOTALLY DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!
After a little Woody Allen humor, Vickie comes to
the area screaming. After a scuffle, Kaitlyn throws cake
at her. Once again, how is Vickie the bad guy here when
Dolph and Kaitlyn are the cheating ones?
OFF TOPIC: King Kong
Lives in my Pants
The Wedding is underway. Cody comes down first,
as I assume he’s the Best man. He’s followed by Dusty,
and Hornswoggle the Ring bearer. Josh and Cole are
making MST3K remarks, which makes this recap somewhat
bearable.
Goldust comes out in full Goldust gear and ring
intro. You know I told my fiancée that I wanted to come
out to wrestling theme music for my wedding and she told
me I was being stupid. So I kicked her in the stomach
and hit her with a Stunner. Sure she called the cops and
I spent the night in jail, but I think we all know who
won that argument.
Cole and Josh make my night by openly admitting
this is a fake wedding! I give it two
weeks before Cole just reads off the script in hopes of
speeding up the show.
Aksana comes out… looking like someone who’s
going to marry Goldust. Josh and Cole have this
conversation that I found funny:
Josh: Wow,
Aksana looks beautiful. Have you ever seen a prettier
bride?
Cole: Yeah
my wife.
Nice one, Cole. They read their wedding vows, and
I have to say… it’s hard to not be creeped out by
Goldust here, who is once again in character and in
makeup. Aksana’s promo seems to have been written by
Hacksaw Jim Duggan as all it is basically saying “USA!
USA! USA! USA! USA!”
We get to the “Are there any objections?” part,
but Ted never shows up. However, the minister objects
himself… because everyone has a price. Ted’s music plays
and he brought that INS dude, Dickolopolis. He says
he’ll have the preacher announce them man and wife, and
prevent Aksana from having to go back to Lithuania If he
returns the belt to him.
Now this was almost a good idea on Ted’s part.
His downfall however? He attempted this plot on WWE TV,
where stupid shit happens. In this case, Dusty gets on
the mic and does a promo (which was very good) and
announces he found a new minister… Ted Dibiase (His
father, not him).
For those
keeping track at home, this is the same Ted Dibiase who:
1)
Openly
cares about his son
2)
Even giving
him a title shot on the one RAW he hosted.
3)
Openly
stated in a promo he did with Cody that he hates Dusty
and his family
4)
The one who
gave Ted the Million Dollar Belt, and is therefore
helping the Rhodes family keep his belt
5)
Gave
Dibiase all his money
Yeah, there’s a lot of reasons this makes no
sense. Little Ted asks his dad “WTF?” You know Ted’s
response? “I did this cause the look on your face would
be priceless.” ARGH!
So the wedding goes through, and they are
married… to which Aksana slaps Goldust in the face and
marches off. Okaaaaay.
OFF TOPIC: A River
runs through it in my Pants! Hot Fuzz in my Pants!
Wow… this program gets dumber and dumber. Who
writes this shit?!
Elimination time; God I will laugh hard if Aksana
is eliminated after all that. Nope, she lives to fight
another day, as its Maxine who’s eliminated!
Character
Retrospective: Maxine
BEGINNING: Thought
she was a prostitute, which means she definitely had a
chance then.
NOW: I admire
her for at least trying to be a heel on this show, and
she wasn’t terrible. Her stuff with Hornswoggle was the
most I’ve been entertained by Swoggle since… ever.
However, she is so-so on the mic, and terrible in the
ring (like that matters in the Divas’ Division), so I
didn’t like her chances.
FUTURE: I think
there could be some hope for her really. She just needs
a little more experience.
Maxine does a sappy exit promo as Alicia does her
best to look like she’s sad… and fails. End of show.
BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY
AWARD”: Up until Ted
Dibiase Sr. getting involved, the Wedding was clearly
the most interesting segment…. Doesn’t mean it was good.
AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE
AWARD”: Kelly vs. Alicia
Fox.
WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS
AWARD”: WHY THE HELL DID
TED HELP GOLDUST!? WHAT SENSE DOES THAT MAKE?! WHATS
WRONG WITH MY CAPS LOCK?!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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