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Malcolm Not in the Middle


            Hey guys and welcome to the rant!... you know, to be honest its been awhile since I went on a good rant. And wouldn’t ya know, I have a good one. It’s one that’s been bugging the heck outta me for some time.  Today’s subject is No More Heroes.


            Before you guys ask, no it’s not the kick ass video game, but rather the state of wrestling right now. See… there’s no more heroes anymore, or villains for that matter. Faces and Heels are a thing of the past, and do not exist, least not in the way they were traditionally in WWE. You know, I thought guys like The Million Dollar Man, Bobby “the Brain” Heenan, and Macho Man were awesome back in the day… but I understood why they were the bad guys. This is no longer true with WWE those roles are gone. Instead they are replaced by two new roles… Popular and Rejects.


            Some of you are probably thinking “The Hell’s the difference?” Here’s the thing, Heroes do the right thing, and Villains do the wrong thing. Popular ones don’t necessarily care about right and wrong (In fact, they don’t care about logic either), they just do what the crowd wants them to do.  Even if this means making a fool of themselves or attacking a reject for no reason. Rejects are typically voices of reason, and even point out the stupidity that goes on in WWE. However, they ruin the fun of the audience when they do this, as the crowd apparently loves stupid shit.


            For example, Goldust (Popular) and Ted Dibiase (reject). Can anyone explain to me how Goldust is the good guy here? He literally just decided to go out and steal something that wasn’t his because he wanted it. He was never provoked, and Ted never acknowledged his existence for that matter. Nope, Goldust just stole the belt from Ted… which is fine, because Ted is a reject.


            I guess I’m a traditionalist, but this annoys me. I like having a bad guy or a good guy. Least show me Ted attacking Goldust or something to let Goldust be justified. Thing is, the heroes on WWE TV… don’t really act like heroes anymore. Faces in WWE are really just bullies. Nothing heroic there… oh well,


            I also released that I don’t have time to finish with my Bragging rights review. So to wrap this up:


1.       Taker and Kane sucked, and they need to stop wrestling each other.

2.       The Bragging Rights match was good.

3.       Barrett and Orton being the last match was a stupid move.


            Me and Halo started playing a game on Twitter called Movie in my Pants. All you have to do is list movie titles that sound funny when you add “in my pants” at the end. I decided my favorite ones would be the subjects of this week’s Off Topics.


            Anyway, NXT time were we have both a wedding and elimination… this is going to be a long night.


             We start with our default opening, and it leads right into our first challenge.


Challenge #1: Kissing Contest


            A challenge no doubt inspired by the Bellas’ consistent making out with random guest hosts. Sides, Batista will be back at some point, you have to be good at kissing strangers… Why are they trying to be Divas again?


            It starts out as a kissing contest with special judge- come on, you know its Hornswoggle. Kaitlyn and him go to town, which he likes. Maxine tells him no, that’s stupid (she’s a reject) and tells him to leave the ring… which he does. Awesome!


            Dashing Cody Rhodes comes out to replace him.  Cody is pretty entertaining here as he applies chapstick on for 5 minutes before kissing Kaitlyn, and spraying mint spray in Maxine’s mouth before attempting to kiss her (He kisses her hand instead).  Naomi refuses, to which Cody makes a funny diss at her expense. AJ and her go full tilt in their kiss and Cody is floored. It’s academic from here.




OFF TOPIC: There Will be Blood in my Pants


            Cannot believe I covered a kissing contest. We cut to AJ and Primo in the back, Primo going on that he was a little jealous of Cody. AJ decides he has something to tell Primo and drags him a room to talk. First room they go in has Dusty Rhodes macking with the Bellas... wow, they sure are whores.


            Back to a match! Wait a second…






            Why the hell is this match happening? This does no favors for any of the Rookies!


            I’d have covered this match, but the new Naruto manga was translated, and I was busy reading that. Can you really blame me? It was a Kelly/Fox match for Christ’s sake!


WINNER: Kelly Kelly


            We cut to the back for another segment of Primo and AJ looking for a spot to make out… to discover Maxine and Hornswoggle making out… Really?


            We come back, to yet another challenge.


Challenge #2: Find the Flag


            The point of this one is for the Rookies to search through presents to find an orange flag… Christ if that flag was in a giant fudge sundae, we’d have a Double Dare challenge! Ah man, think how much more awesome this show would be if it was all challenges from Double Dare?


WINNER: Kaitlyn


            So Naomi gets immunity, and I have to deal with her for another couple of weeks… please make the hurting stop. We then cut to WWE begging the fans to make the mean Politicians leave them alone. Oh, I mean to Stand Up for WWE.


OFF TOPIC: Paranormal Activity in my Pants


            The decorators are going to work decorating the ring as we return. You know whom I blame for this? Macho Man. God forbid he had a regular wedding off camera, instead of starting this weird wedding fad in wrestling.


            Cut to a Survivor Series rundown… of one match. Question here, how is Cena’s situation a hard one? So he could screw Orton (A guy he hates, and who tried to end his career on multiple occasions) and be free to enjoy his passion again… or be fired. Wrestling is so stupid nowadays.


            And now, part three of AJ and Primo’s attempt at making out… and they bump into Ziggler and Kaitlyn making out?! WOW, I TOTALLY DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!


            After a little Woody Allen humor, Vickie comes to the area screaming. After a scuffle, Kaitlyn throws cake at her. Once again, how is Vickie the bad guy here when Dolph and Kaitlyn are the cheating ones?


OFF TOPIC: King Kong Lives in my Pants


            The Wedding is underway. Cody comes down first, as I assume he’s the Best man. He’s followed by Dusty, and Hornswoggle the Ring bearer. Josh and Cole are making MST3K remarks, which makes this recap somewhat bearable.


            Goldust comes out in full Goldust gear and ring intro. You know I told my fiancée that I wanted to come out to wrestling theme music for my wedding and she told me I was being stupid. So I kicked her in the stomach and hit her with a Stunner. Sure she called the cops and I spent the night in jail, but I think we all know who won that argument.


            Cole and Josh make my night by openly admitting this is a fake wedding!  I give it two weeks before Cole just reads off the script in hopes of speeding up the show.


            Aksana comes out… looking like someone who’s going to marry Goldust. Josh and Cole have this conversation that I found funny:


Josh: Wow, Aksana looks beautiful. Have you ever seen a prettier bride?

Cole: Yeah my wife.


            Nice one, Cole. They read their wedding vows, and I have to say… it’s hard to not be creeped out by Goldust here, who is once again in character and in makeup. Aksana’s promo seems to have been written by Hacksaw Jim Duggan as all it is basically saying “USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!”


            We get to the “Are there any objections?” part, but Ted never shows up. However, the minister objects himself… because everyone has a price. Ted’s music plays and he brought that INS dude, Dickolopolis. He says he’ll have the preacher announce them man and wife, and prevent Aksana from having to go back to Lithuania If he returns the belt to him.


            Now this was almost a good idea on Ted’s part. His downfall however? He attempted this plot on WWE TV, where stupid shit happens. In this case, Dusty gets on the mic and does a promo (which was very good) and announces he found a new minister… Ted Dibiase (His father, not him).


For those keeping track at home, this is the same Ted Dibiase who:


1)      Openly cares about his son

2)      Even giving him a title shot on the one RAW he hosted.

3)      Openly stated in a promo he did with Cody that he hates Dusty and his family

4)      The one who gave Ted the Million Dollar Belt, and is therefore helping the Rhodes family keep his belt

5)      Gave Dibiase all his money


            Yeah, there’s a lot of reasons this makes no sense. Little Ted asks his dad “WTF?” You know Ted’s response? “I did this cause the look on your face would be priceless.” ARGH!


            So the wedding goes through, and they are married… to which Aksana slaps Goldust in the face and marches off. Okaaaaay.


OFF TOPIC: A River runs through it in my Pants! Hot Fuzz in my Pants!


            Wow… this program gets dumber and dumber. Who writes this shit?!


            Elimination time; God I will laugh hard if Aksana is eliminated after all that. Nope, she lives to fight another day, as its Maxine who’s eliminated!


Character Retrospective: Maxine


BEGINNING: Thought she was a prostitute, which means she definitely had a chance then.


NOW: I admire her for at least trying to be a heel on this show, and she wasn’t terrible. Her stuff with Hornswoggle was the most I’ve been entertained by Swoggle since… ever. However, she is so-so on the mic, and terrible in the ring (like that matters in the Divas’ Division), so I didn’t like her chances.


FUTURE: I think there could be some hope for her really. She just needs a little more experience.


            Maxine does a sappy exit promo as Alicia does her best to look like she’s sad… and fails. End of show.


BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  Up until Ted Dibiase Sr. getting involved, the Wedding was clearly the most interesting segment…. Doesn’t mean it was good.








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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).