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Malcolm Not in the Middle



            Hey guys, Malcolm Not in the Middle here. Apologies for the lateness of this rant, but work and college can really kick your ass. I shall try my best to keep my rants timelier in the future.


            For those who watch UFC (thank you, James Swift) you saw Brock Lesnar go on to lose the title to Cain Velasquez. A result that I’m bummed out, but your favorite never wins ALL the time. However some people have plenty to say about this. To those who are talking shit about Brock because you think he’s an arrogant ass… yeah, he kinda is. However, to those who think this proves he had no business in UFC… grow up. He became UFC champ by defeating Randy Couture; and while I’m new to UFC, I know that’s a big deal. On top of this, he’s responsible for turning Frank Mir’s face into hamburger, and ended Shane Carwin’s undefeated streak. For the few out there who thinks he has no business fighting… what does that say about the people he’s beaten?


            Anyway, onto the show! I have to say, this was the best NXT that they’ve done in awhile. Of course, that’s the equivalent of saying “My shit was finally solid after 3 weeks of diarrhea” but still.  Show opens up by Cole telling us that this show will be horrible… wow. Seriously now, if they are so sure its garbage, why are they producing it? BTW, today’s OFF TOPIC will be my thoughts on the PPV, Bragging Rights.


            Striker introduces the Rookies, who all come out dressed up in Halloween costumes. AJ gets a chuckle from me by coming out as a Ninja Turtle. Naomi gets me to roll my eyes by coming out as the Hamburger Helper glove (seriously?). Kaitlyn has already won this competition by coming out as Vickie Guererro (lol!). Maxine came out as an Eskimo who would die inside 10 minutes being in actual cold weather. Finally, Aksana comes out as the devil, which sense as she got the 666 score on the Power of the Punch challenge (Sadly, the announcers forgot about this fact).


            Striker reminds us that the next elimination (hopefully eliminations just to speed this show up) take place next week. That being said, please vote for Kaitlyn! Which brings us to our first challenge, which for now on I will treat like matches, especially since they matter more now than actual wrestling matches. You’d think the matches would count towards immunity but no. What sense does it make to have wrestling skill be a factor in a contest were people are trying to be wrestlers?... oh, wait.


Stupid Challenge #1: The Costume Contest


            Rules are simple. Each Rookie gets 15 seconds to convince the audience to vote for them. Person with the biggest cheers at the end wins. Just to barrel through this:


1.       Aksana dances like stripper minus music.

2.       Maxine is a jerk, and says she’s always on top; despite the fact she’s 1-19 now.

3.       Kaitlyn rocks with a pretty cool Vickie impression, and even does her signature act of frustration.

4.       Naomi makes a joke that’s 7 years old, and talks about how awesome Hamburger Helper is… sadly, she’ll probably win immunity from this elimination ~_~;;

5.       AJ just posses for a bit as a Ninja Turtle


Yeah, who do you think won?


WINNER: Kaitlyn


            Styles said it best on Twitter: Kaitlyn won before her turn even came!


            Ted Dibiase and Maryse are here, and they aren’t happy to be. Cause you see… NXT sucks.






This match was the Dark Horse surprise of the Night, as this match was the best one of the night... which sucks. Seriously, nothing more than I hate then realizing that the first match of a PPV that cost me $45 was as good as its going to get.


Seriously though, this was a good match. They even got a "This is awesome!" chant, and I can't remember the last time I heard that chant in a match on WWE. It was like brought me back to a time were watching wrestling actually meant you were going to see a wrestling match. Wild notion, huh?


Interesting note, this continues the Daniel Bryan "winning only at PPV, but losing when on TV" streak. This match also turned me around to Dolph Ziggler who can wrestle! Anyway, if you see only one match on the card, this is the one.


                        Up next is our first match… oh man, they’re wrestling in costume.






            The stupid thing about this match? Whenever Naomi goes for a punch, she uses one of her dangling extra fingers from the costume to do it. So she’s really whacking her with a stuffed object… that Maxine sells like it’s a punch.


            End comes when Naomi hits a simple headbutt to end it. No seriously…God, I hate these two…


Winner: Naomi


            We cut to the back, were Aksana is with Goldust. Really, is it even necessary for Aksana to be in this competition anymore? She’s already appearing regularly on RAW!


            Anyway, Lot of “Oh our wedding is going to be awesome!” and then that immigration officer is like “Dude, get married by next week, or I’m sending you back.” And Aksana is like “Oh no!” and says some stuff in other language. Yup, that’s what was said in a nutshell.






Just as I was getting into the whole "Cena enslaved by Nexus" storyline, they give me this match.


This was one of those "Impromptu" Matches that are now a staple of PPVs because advertising all the matches for a PPV is just silly. All you need to know is Cena goes out there and buries everything in site.


The Tag Team Champions? He beats both of them by himself. Once again, he beat two people by his lonesome. Otunga was in for like 2 minutes, so he looks lousy by association... though to be far Otunga ain't exactly great right now. Oh, and Cena was nice enough to hit his finish on Otunga after the match and leaves with both belts. Awesome.


            We are back, and given a package of Nikki’s slow heel turn from last week. Hey WWE, want to hear a spoiler? Fans care about this about as much as they care about R Truth doing another song.


BRIE BELLA w/Nikki Bella


AJ w/Primo


            This match was a nice example of how great a wrestler AJ is. She holds up nicely in this match. I’d have to say this was best match on the card, which shocks me to say of a Bellas match. AJ is hands down the best wrestler there.


            Primo wins quote of the night when he confronts Nikki and warns her “Don’t do that switchy thing!”


            Nice back and forth, and the end came when Nikki gets sick of losing, and switches with Brie and p’wns AJ.


WINNER: Brie (Nikki)


            Brie looks upset that they switched… which would make more sense if that wasn’t the way they’ve won EVERY MATCH they ever won since they debut. Why is it all of a sudden a problem?!


            Ted and Maryse do a segment. For the record, I do enjoy these two, they are funny, and their teamwork is actually not to bad. Maryse suggest they just buy a new belt (Only $399 on Hightspots.com), but he says it’s been in his family for 20 years. MAryse rolls her eyes and leaves.




Goldust vs. Ted Dibiase


For those of you keeping score, this feud started because Goldust (the good guy) stole Ted's belt just because he wanted it. Ted did nothing to Goldust to warrant this, this is just a case of Goldust being a jerk. Way to set the example for our young folk, Goldie.


This match was okay but... did this seriously need to happen on PPV?! Does anyone care about this feud? Its a Superstars match at best. Oh well, its there and I'm not happy I technically paid to see it, but I've seen worse.


            Time out for Propaganda (Stand up for WWE).


            And now… its time for my favorite part of the show… the greatest challenge EVER.


Stupid Challenge#2: EATING SHIT!


            Okay, they don’t really eat shit. The challenge is an eating contest, where the Rookies need to eat the most chocolate bars (which they will throw up during the break) to win. However, the way they are positioned and are kinda melted… it looks like shit.


            So I must say, I laughed from a good healthy place to see these Rookies shoving “shit” into their faces in a desperate attempt to win a WWE Contract. Don’t believe me?




            Find it on there, and tell me it ain’t excrement! Anyway…


WINNER: Maxine


            So Maxine finally wins one, and its shit eating… awesome! For the record though, she did cheat, as she continued to eat after the timer went off. The Pro’s even pointed this out… only for the refs to say she won anyway… wow, they suck.


            Anyway, hilarity now ensues! Hornswoggle (Who was a judge, I guess)  uses AJ to schoolyard trip Maxine. Kaitlyn starts choking on a chocolate bars… and the other Divas just stare like idiots. Vickie screams at Hornswoggle to do something (lolwut?!) to which he Hemlich’s her. Piece of chocolate flies at Vickie (least it was supposed to) and she flips out.






This match... is as good as a Diva's match is going to get in this day and age. Let's not beat around the bush, WWE doesn't care about this division, and a lot of the Divas have no business in a wrestling ring.


However, this match featured 3 exceptions to the rule. LayCool are the best thing going in the Diva's Division today. Their heel work is incredible, and they're good wrestlers too! Natalya is probably the best female wrestler in the company right now, so we had a really good match.


I enjoyed this match, and the ending made both sides look good. I really would be up for a third match.


            Kaitlyn tries to come to Vickie’s dressing to check on her, but Dolph meets her. He tells her now is really not the time, as she is audibly upset. Dolph tells her to come back later, telling her she did great tonight… and that she looks great too. Gee, I wonder where this is going?


            Here a conundrum: If Dolph starts cheating on Vickie with Kaitlyn, who’s the heel and whose the face?


OFF TOPIC: Tune in next week for the rest of my review of WWE Bragging Rights! ^_^


            We return to… a formal Wedding Invitation for the marriage of Aksana and Goldust. You know what sucks more than a WWE Wedding? One full of people who are greener than grass! Macho Man and Elizabeth this will not be.






            Joey Styles tells the lie of the night on twitter by saying we’re getting a PPV match for free. No, we’re getting a Superstars match on Tuesday. BIG DIFFERENCE!


            This match goes according to formula. Maryse destroys Aksana, Ted and Goldust do the lion’s share of the work. They’re not bad to be far, but I just don’t care about this feud.


            Here’s the thing that bugs me, how is Goldust the face here? Ted did nothing to him, and yet he went out and stole Ted’s belt. Goldust is completely in the wrong here… but Ted’s the bad guy cause he’s unpopular? That’s BS.


            Speaking of BS, Aksana rolls up Maryse for the win… huh?


WINNER: Aksana and Goldust


            Ted and MAryse try to “steal” the belt back, but Aksana suddenly gains Hulk like strength and wrestles it from both of them. Goldust regains his strength and takes out Ted, and they heroically leave with the belt… yay?




AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  Naomi vs. Maxine was garbage! Naomi needs to stop trying to be funny, and Maxine can no longer blame the match she and Kaitlyn had solely on Kaitlyn.


WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  How is Goldust the face!? HOW?!?!





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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).