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WWE NXT RANT

10/12/10

by

Malcolm Not in the Middle

 

            What’s up guys, Malcolm NOT in the Middle here. Not much is different on my end of things… with the exception of popping the  question to my girlfriend and getting a yes! But aside from that, not much is different.

 

            But first, I need to address someone… one Andariel Halo, who’s been going on and on about “killing the guy who reviews NXT and taking his show”… guys, that’s me! Look Halo, if you wanna threaten me, if wanna take my spot, if you wanna steal the recap that I made famous!... could you please start using my name when addressing me please? Seriously, I’m trying to get my name out there, and your not helping by simply saying “The guy who reviews NXT”. My name is Malcolm Not in the Middle! My twitter name is @NotintheMiddle. Please be a dear and help me out, okay?

 

           

            I’m in a rush tonight, so expect a to the point Rant tonight. Sorry but I promise to make up for it next week.

 

            NXT is up again… on the internet. A place where WWE shows go to die. We start with our default intro. Corny opening, cutting to Cole and Josh welcoming us, then to Striker, who introduces the Rookies, and to our first challenge. See that run on sentence typically takes me three paragraphs to describe.

 

            Matt Striker tells us the next elimination will take place in three weeks, which is too far away. Striker then informs us that that this week, the challenge is “Name that Tune” type of deal. Basically, they play a few seconds of a wrestler’s theme music, and the first one to sound their bullhorn and answer correctly gets some points. The one with the most points at the end wins. For those of you who were hoping for me to write down all the music and who got the right answer… sigh, here you go…

 

Round 1 (Questions worth 100 points)

 

Sheamus – AJ

Teddy Long – AJ

Santino - Naomi

Edge – AJ

Cena – AJ

Kofi – AJ

Miz – AJ

Melina – AJ

 

Round 2 (Questions worth 200 points)

 

DX – AJ

Orton – AJ

Zack Ryder – AJ

Dusty – AJ

Trish – AJ

LOD – No one knew :P

Vince – AJ

 

WINNER: AJ

 

            Yeah, AJ pretty much destroyed all comers in this challenge.  Final score was Aj with 1900 to Naomi’s 100 to everyone else’s 0. So yeah, AJ with her first win in Challenges.

 

            As we head to commercials, WWE teases us by saying we’re going to see some wrestling. This promise is then quickly destroyed as we see it’s going to be Naomi vs. Alicia Fox. WORKER’S PARADISE!

 

OFF TOPIC: Am I the only one who hates Smackdown’s new theme music? I’m pretty sure I was listening to that song in high school. Way to keep up with the times, WWE. I have expect the next theme for RAW to be that “Flight of the Valkyries” song you have Daniel Bryan using.

 

ALICIA FOX w/ LAST NAME

VS.

NAOMI w/o LAST NAME

 

            Just for those who misunderstand me, when I call a match a “Worker’s Paradise”, its sarcasm!

 

            This match sucked, and taught me to stop picking on Cena and his 5 Moves of Doom. Reason being? Alicia Fox only has three, and that’s being generous. Basically she knows how to do forearms, a kick to the stomach, and a Scissor’s Ki- No heck with it, she can’t even do that right, as this match showed this.

 

            Match goes as every match with Naomi and AJ goes:

 

1.       They do some impressive flippy moves

2.       The opponent takes them down with basic offense

3.       If their opponent is a Pro, the Pro suddenly hits their finisher and win. If the opponent is a Rookie, they win with a suplex or small package.

           

            So Alicia “hits” the Scissor’s kick. I use quotations as she missed completely. So they do it again, and Alicia picks up this HUGE victory.

 

WINNER: Alicia

 

            On a funny note, The Spinning Butt Pliers of Ren and Stimpy fame is in Naomi’s moveset. Funny stuff. We cut to the back, and it’s a backstage segment with Aksana and Goldust. I’ll admit, I kinda like Aksana; as the whole “foreigner gimmick” is growing on me a little. However, this gimmick is kinda boring, as it’s more of the same “Ohhhhhh, they’re going to deport me” shtick. Thankfully it’s over fairly quickly.

 

OFF TOPIC: How is Undertaker returning still a big deal? Kane has out classed him for over two months now! How is he still the number one contender?! Must be awesome to be the Taker.

 

            We come back to a promo challenge, and this one was garbage! Here the highlights:

 

1)      Naomi wants to get something off her chest, and then calls off on Michael Cole… in a desperate attempt to get a pop, and it unfortunately works. The promo is still garbage, and really makes her look generic.

2)      AJ does a personal ad and talks about the perfect night… basically this is a long way in getting across that she’s a huge nerd. Hey WWE, here’s a hint. You want me to think nerd when I see her, give her glasses. Plus, that gives her points with all the people who love chicks with glasses. You’re welcome.

3)      Kaitlyn does her on age before beauty, and is also a cheap attempt at a pop as she attacks Vickie. The sad part is while Naomi succeeds at her attempt, Kaitlyn bombs bad her. I think she’s really funny, but she needs to get over this awkwardness she has in the ring.

4)      Aksana does America… Sorry, my imagination went dirty there for a second. Pretty much a “Yay America” segment. Yawn.

5)      Finally (and I do mean FINALLY) Maxine does disrespect, and even gets a genuine pop for saying “I always finish on top.” This was a fairly generic promo… and was sadly the best promo of the night.

 

            Sad part? This wasn’t even a challenge! There are no winners... only losers… sadly only losers… Anyway, we are told we will get the Power of the Punch later tonight… Only 30 minutes left till the end of the show…

 

            We get a RAW Rebound for the spectacular ending for RAW, which included Miz pinning Cena, and Barrett verbal ripping Cena apart. An ending that built up two new stars! Way to show them how it’s done WWE!

            They recap the “Classic” that was the match Kaitlyn and Vickie had. This cuts to a backstage segment that starts off with Kaitlyn shadowboxing, which I thought was hysterical. She even trains awkwardly! Vickie comes in states they have to deal with each other for at least 3 weeks, so she asks for a truce. Kaitlyn agrees and Vickie tells her the truce is under one condition: Stay away from Dolph. It’s actually a funny little exchange, worth a watch.

 

OFF TOPIC: I’m already sick of these Knucklehead commercials. Even sicker of all the constant commercials I will have to endure on TV because of it!

 

            We’re back to another challenge, another “classic” challenge. This one being the Power of the Punch challenge, where the Rookies have to punch the bag, and who ever hits the hardest wins. As always I’m fine with it, as its one of the few challenges for a WRESTLING contract that makes sense! Anywho, here the results:

 

1)      Naomi hits the bag with two hands, so they make her do it over. However, she still does it well and gets a 801.

2)      AJ gets a 362.

3)      Kaitlyn goes for a running punch… but misses and gets a 005. Awwwww…

4)      Aksana gets… 666. AKSANA IS THE DEVIL! Seriously, she should get immunity just for pulling off that number!

5)      Maxine finishes as 604

           

            Winner is Naomi… oyi. We get told we’re getting another wrestling match between AJ and Aksana… okay; I’ll give it a chance. No seriously.

 

OFF TOPIC: In case you can’t tell, I hate Smackdown. Go Team Raw!

 

            WWE’s newest thing is showing off them doing humanitarian relief, as if they want us to feel like assholes for saying their product at times sucks. A fair attempt WWE, but sorry NXT is stll a waste of time.

 

AKSANA           w/ GOLDUST

VS.

AJ w/ PRIMO

 

            This may shock some of you… but I didn’t mind this match. AJ looked okay with her flippy wrestling moves, plus they actually to tell a story with it too! Aksana was getting outclassed and would roll outside to talk with Goldust as the whole deportation thing was throwing her off.  Also, Aksana used one of Goldusts moves in the match, thus showing that a Pro actually taught his Rookie something! Awesome!

 

            Anyway, AJ reverses a bodyslam into a small package for the win…. How many small packages have there been on this show now?

 

WINNER: AJ

 

            After AJ and Primo leave; Aksana breaks down and cries in the ring. Goldust tells her things will be okay, but she tells him she can’t handle it, and she doesn’t want to be deported. Goldust tells her there’s always a way out, and tells her to marry him. Okay, I didn’t see this coming. Aksana accepts and they embrace. Just then, NXT gives me another great surprise…. They end the show 10 minutes earlier!

 

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD: Aksana and AJ put on a match I don’t hate.

 

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: That promo challenge is 10 minutes I won’t get back.

 

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: Aksana gets the mark of the beast!

 

 

             SEND FEEDBACK TO MALCOLM NOT IN THE MIDDLE.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).