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Malcolm Not in The Middle


            Hey guys, and welcome to another addition of the NXT Rant. This is the show that will tell you guys what my next move with NXT is going to be. I’m sure Halo is drooling right now, wondering if she’ll be able to ditch TNA and scoop up this show. Well, we shall find out tonight!


            Speaking of Halo, she had a very good idea the other day.  I myself have a twitter account, and would love to have some more followers. So if you have Twitter, please follow me at: @NotintheMiddle. Or just head here:




            But enough about me; lets open up with a rant. Last Sunday, WWE did its annual “Hell in the Cell” PPV; or as it really should be called “Regular matches that just happen to take place in a Cell”. Seriously man, what’s the point of having this kind of match when you really can’t do anything with it? Oh I give credit to Sheamus and Orton, they freakin tried man! But without blood, what ya got is a lot of “Sheamus backbreakers on steel steps”… seriously, what the heck was that?


            Anyway, the matches will be the subject of this week’s OFF TOPIC. Without any further ado, on to the (web) show! The nifty thing is? I can now write and watch it on one screen! Score!


            And you know what else is awesome? Having to watch this show in standard, pixilated def. Just awesome!  Also a quick reminder, that tonight is the first elimination. Who will it be? I honestly don’t care… Oh and Kaitlyn vs. Vickie… Worker’s Paradise?


            The show starts off with (Again with no CM Punk :P) the Rookies being introduced on the rampway, met by Matt Striker. After giving the stats of the challenges (AJ in the lead with 3, while Kaitlyn and Naomi follow with 2.) he tells there will be two more tonight, and the leader gets immunity. Without further ado, he points to a mechanical bull… really? Bullriiding?


            The Bellas demonstrate how to ride a bull to the thrill of no one, and we’re off… and its time for super quick results!


Naomi: Gets a 12.5


Aksana: Gets the lead with 17.9! Hats off to her, she held on.


AJ: I do like how AJ (face) and Kaitlyn (Heel?) have become such good friends, with their explosion handshake.  For real, it’s cute. Oh AJ gets 9.6.


 Jamie: Gets a 10.9


Maxine: gets a 9.8


Kaitlyn: finishes with a 10


            So Aksana wins… which really means nothing. Even if she wins both challenges tonight, it she still won’t win immunity, but hey she’s trying. Striker reveals Aksana will take on Maxine tonight… Worker’s Paradise?


OFF TOPIC: US Title match was awesome, as I’m still shocked to see Daniel Bryan’s push continue. I’m curious to see where they take the Miz- Hell, all of them! I’m a really looking forward to where Miz, Morrison, and Bryan go from here.






            This match was about what you would expect from these two… yeah that bad.


            The ending is fantastic, as Maxine keeps her streak of awful matches going. She hits a lariat on Aksana, and goes for the cover… Aksana casually rolls her up and gets the pin.


WINNER: Aksana


            Okay, how does that make sense?! This is the second week in a row she lost by hitting a move! Is she really this weak?!           


            Cut to the RAW Rebound, and the whole angle with CeNexus. I love this angle! I hated it at first last night, with Cena resisting. However, the GM giving that “Obey or be fired” order saved it. I am really interested in this angle, if Cena really does become their bitch. Also it seemed that Cena could not win with that crowd. They didn’t want him to get fired but they don’t want him with Nexus, well sorry people. It’s one or the other.


            Apparently there is going to be a Diva’s Talent show… kill me now.


OFF TOPIC: Orton and Sheamus were as good as a HIAC match is going to be without blood. Kudos to them, though Orton is pretty much the new Cena in terms of invincibility. I’m already at a point were I feel no one can beat him, which I guess is the point.


            You know what’s awesome about WWE shows on their website?! All commercials are WWE related! Ugh!!!!! If see the mother from “Legendary” go on about “Losing another kid to wrestling,” I swear to fuckin god!!!!!


            We’re onto the talent show, and I will admit… this was entertaining. Seriously, I didn’t hate this. Bravo to the women.


            Aksana is up first, and she says her talent is pushups, and yea I know, sound stupid right?  Well then she does them, and holy crap that was impressive! You tube it if ya can. I get a little more and more respect for Aksana every show.


            Naomi raps… yup. The African American raps, I was not expecting that… they’re gonna debut her as Cryme Tyme’s sister, aren’t they?


            AJ’s talent is flexibility, and she’s not that bad. Not as impressive as Aksana and her push-ups, but more entertaining than Naomi’s rapping.


            Jamie’s talent is turning men on, and then makes out with Matt Striker… Yeah sorry. Matt Striker making out doesn’t do it for me. Still more entertaining than Naomi’s rapping, though.


            Kaitlyn’s talent is art, and she begins to draw on a canvas. Gee, from all the cutaways they keep doing to Vickie, I wonder if this is going to be a diss of some kind? Oh look at that, it’s a stick figure drawing of an angry Vickie. To be fair though, this got the pop of the night, so kudos to Kaitlyn.


            Finally, Maxine… wants to apologize to Hornswoggle for last week. She’s even made him a pie. Oh I see where this is going. Swoggle comes out and goes for a bite, but Maxine blows a dab into his face. Hornswoggle responds by grabbing and slamming the pie into her face…. That’s some talent.


            Gee I wonder who won? If you guessed the Rookie who insulted one of the biggest heels in the company… good guess, Kaitlyn wins! But wait, that puts her at a tie with AJ! What happens now? Striker announces the fans get to decide. So a quick vote is done, and guess who wins? Well, if you again guessed the Rookie who’s facing the biggest heel in the company…. Then fans are really easily led. Kaitlyn wins!


            Awesome news for me, as I get to see her more now ^_^


            The WWE’s Make a Wish package is shown. I have to agree with Great Scott, you have to be a real jerk to lampoon this. So good job WWE, and God bless ya.


OFF TOPIC: The almost traditional impromptu match at the PPV was Edge vs. Swagger. It’s great to see the WWE do ANYTHING with Swagger. The hell happened? I thought his title reign was pretty good, and he’s a great wrestler. How is it that it took me this long to see him again on PPV? Oh well, this feud (as well as Edge’s weird turn) has been entertaining, so I liked it.


            We come back to see more of the “Aksana getting deported” storyline. Admittingly, it was pretty funny, especially when the ISS guy called Aksana a “Russian Trish Stratus”. Once again, it was okay.


            We now get a Vickie/Kaitlyn package hyping the hell out of this match! This is some great work by their package guy, as he takes out a lot of the stuttering and awkwardness Kaitlyn still shows in her promos.


            Vickie makes her way to the ring with Dolph Ziggler for the match… but first commercials…


OFF TOPIC: Wade Barrett/John Cena was it a technical masterpiece? No, but damn if it didn’t tell a great story. Even better, is the reaction it has garnered from fans (kids) around the world. Reminds me of when Earthquake took out Hogan way back when. This storyline is good, so I’m looking forward to it continuing.


OFF TOPIC: The Diva’s Title Match was worth it just to hear Striker call Layla a heel. Actually it was cool for what time it had. Hopefully Natalya’s push continues.






            This match was okay. No, technically it was horrid. And Kaitlyn still needs to work on that awkwardness that she still has… but the crowd was heavy into this, and it’s mostly thanks to Vickie. I actually enjoyed her in this match, and I even wondered if a bit of Eddie rubbed off on her.


            Was it catch-as-catch-can? No, but it did the job and helped get Kaitlyn over. Also, giving credit, Vickie wasn’t bad at all in this match. For a non-wrestler, she was pretty good.


            End comes when Kaitlyn suddenly schoolboys Vickie for the win.


WINNER: Kaitlyn


            After the match, Kaitlyn celebrates and hugs Ziggler after the match… that leads to more tension between her and Vickie.


OFF TOPIC: Taker/Kane sucked! This was such a nice PPV… and then they feed me this garbage. Taker kills Punk on Smackdown… but jobs to a flashlight? That’s complete garbage.  Taker was cool 20 years ago, but he needs to go away.


            Elimination time! Line of the night goes to a fan. Striker asks “Who will be eliminated?!” to which some guy says “Eliminate them all!” and you could hear Cole and Josh fighting to not laugh.


            Lets see, the loser is… JAMIE?! Really?!


Character Retrospective: Jamie Keyes


BEGINNING: Didn’t think she’d win, but place pretty high. She is clearly the best talker of the group, even if she takes the “Announcer Pose” way too often in promos.


NOW: This is BS! Ho the heck did Maxine outlast her?! How did Maxine outlast anyone else?! As a wrestling fan, I’m embarrassed.


FUTURE:  We should see her again. I don’t think she’ll be the next Trish Stratus, but she’s got a lot of potential and a good voice. Still think she was screwed.


            Jamie eerily doesn’t look surprised, which again makes me think she was screwed. She gets the mic, and bows out gracefully, even putting over the other Pro’s and Rookies.  She hugs everyone, and that’s the show.


            Eh, you know what? I think I’ll stick around. I’m going to at least finish this season, and see what happens from here. However, I have to say… moving to the web was a mistake: P


BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  Talent show was actually pretty cool. Please the Vickie vs. Kaitlyn match was okay as well.


AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  Maxine loses by hitting a move… again.




Hey once again, look me up on twitter!






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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).