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Malcolm Not in the Middle


            Hey guys, and welcome… to what maybe one of my final columns for this site. As of last NXT, WWE have made the decision to move NXT to WWE.com… whether I continue or not past this is up in the air. Some are no doubt saying “Hey wait! CM Punk is on commentary for NXT now!  It’s a lot funnier now!” Yeah about that…




            I guess the show wasn’t as good as he made it out to be. That’s my big issue with this season. They have had the opportunity to be cool on multiple occasions, but they drop the ball each and every time. They had the opportunity to be interesting with the 6’9” chick, but they dropped that idea. I loved the idea of having Punk on the broadcast… but looks like they dropped that too, cause they dropped him this week. So I’ve really started to get disenchanted with the show. I’m going to give them one more week, and then we’ll see. Maybe I quit, maybe I start a new column, maybe I’ll switch to Superstars, or the insanity continues! You’ll have to tune in next week!


            By the way, my apologies for the lateness of this column. Epilepsy is a hell of disorder, I tell ya.


            Show starts off with a recap of the “awesomeness” that was last week’s show. They are still going with the theme that the WWE itself is making fun of this entire program. Watching this program, you really have to laugh at them, which is sad. You guys remember that the winner of this contest gets a shot at the Unified Diva’s Title, right? Can you take any of these women seriously as far as challenging LayCool for the belts? I mean seriously? Oh well, not like the WWE has respect for female wrestlers. Remember the days of Trish Stratus, Molly Holly, and Lita? Good times…


            BTW, expect this to be a pretty quick report. This was a show done a week in advance, and you could tell they saw this show as nothing more than filler. So if WWE doesn’t give a shit, why should I?


            After the opening, we start off with once again NO CM PUNK. Matt Striker out to make me hate these competitors even more with another dumbass challenge. The new rule seems every show will have two challenges: One that’s stupid, and the other that’s you could see someone who’s trying to be a professional wrestler having to do. Today, we start off with a stupid one… a wheelbarrow contest. The diva that goes around the ring and back the quickest wins. Maxine is about to start, when Striker tells her to hold on. I’m guessing he noticed she had some dignity left, as he calls out Hornswoggle out to sit in the wheelbarrow… Wow, talk about a fall from grace. Wasn’t this guy a feature player on RAW, even teaming with DX… now reduced to this? I’d feel for this guy… if he weren’t responsible for making me hate RAW. Anyway, lets just shoot out the times.


Maxine: Got a 14.7. On a humorous note, Maxine dumped the little troll out after she was done with the course. Swoggle bit her on ass afterwards, but I still got a kick out of it.


Naomi: 15.2


Jamie: 14.4


Kaitlyn: 12.0


AJ: 17.7


Aksana: 13.9


            So Kaitlyn wins, and could possibly get immunity. I’m kinda happy about this, as I actually like her, so that’s awesome. Even Hornswoggle helps with the celebration by hoisting her on his shoulders… I’m actually pretty impressed! I didn’t know he was that strong!


OFF TOPIC:  If you haven’t yet, go out and buy Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep. Awesome, awesome game.


            We come back for the meat and potatoes of this recap; video recaps. Get the idea you had of these women wrestling out of your head, sir. You’ll be lucky to see them inside a wrestling ring!


            We go over the events on RAW, with Orton “ending” Jericho’s career. Its gonna suck not having Y2J around, but it’s a smart move on his part. He’ll re-fuel the tank, and come back even more awesome than before. Also, the RAW main event scene is ridiculously congested. Jericho went out fantastically, actually helping make two stars. God speed, buddy.


            Also, WWE: Making Orton look a little too invincible, aren’t ya? Once again, I thought Cena was invincible, but least he takes a beatdown here and there. Orton has been not only dominating on TV but at PPVs as well! Ease up!


OFF TOPIC: Taker vs. Punk? That’s the big main event you’re using to draw people in for Smackdown? Taker beat Punk when he was weak and had the SES behind him. Taker has his mojo back, and Punk no longer has the SES… why would anyone believe he has a shot here again?


            We come back, with Josh and Cole here to make the big announcement about them moving to WWE.com. The sad thing about this? After putting on this shit product, with these “divas”… the members of management are probably  shocked SyFy didn’t pick them up.


            We get an extended Kaitlyn package. We see is actually was a serious bodybuilder back in the day. Its then I realize how desperately WWE wants another Trish Stratus. How many blonde fitness models is that for this show now?


OFF TOPIC: Got to morethangaming.com and join the forums! Stick around for more writing from me as well.


            We return to a replay of the Taker-Kane fued from Smackdown… and when I say replay, I mean it. They just basically replay Kane challenging Taker, Paul Bearer returning, and all that stuff.  I’m not going into it, cause Great Scott already did... Sides, I saw this feud like 12 years ago… repeatedly.


            We come from here to a rundown of HIAC, which I won’t go into. Why? Cause I ain’t watching it. Two PPVs in one month? Bite me, WWE.


            “Diss the diva” is up next… groan.


OFF TOPIC: I really miss Punk.


            We come back, and of course we get Legendary shoved down our throats. Christ, is the company going under if this movie fails? Seriously I went from renting it to not wanting to go near it to hating it. ~_~;;;


            We come back for the Diss the Diva contest. Pretty easy to explain, diss the diva, and win. Just gonna shoot through this as this was very painful.


Aksana: Thinks the others should lose because they eat pancakes.


AJ: Loves sugar.


Kaitlyn: Gets jumped by Naomi for saying she has a big butt. Good guys jump to violence way too quick on this show.


Jamie: compares divas to circus performers… which is kinda the pot calling the kettle black.


Naomi: Sets back black people quite a few years in this promo. “Lots of Momma said”, in this one.


Maxine:  Didn’t hear a damn she said, as I was too distracted by AJ and Kairtlyn playing pattycake. This is also were I found out Naomi is a kill joy :P


            So AJ wins, and I’m pretty sure that means she gets the immunity for next week. Not that she needed it, but good for her. Vickie is out to make people hate Kaitlyn. She yells at Kait, who has had enough, and yells back. (Love Kaitlyn to death, but it does sound like she’s reading off a Q-Card) She challenges Vickie to a fight, who accepts. They then get into a brawl… and Vickie throws Kaitlyn around… wow. Vickie = Workrate? I guess so. End show.


BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  AJ and Kaitlyn become friends and play patty cake.




WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  So no wrestling on you’re one hour wrestling show?



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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).