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Malcolm Not in the Middle


            Hey guys, I am back after a little “vacation”… by vacation I mean covering something that was just as bad as this show’ TNA Impact. But it was fun. It was nice to be able to watch NXT and not have to make notes all over the place, and it was cool report on something else. So I thank Halo for coming up with the idea.


            But damn if I didn’t pick the wrong week to miss! Michael Cole was hysterical last week. The great think about it? It was like we had a weird psychic connection. Seriously, anytime I thought, “This is stupid.” Cole would yell out “This is stupid!” The scariest part was when I was checking the time, and Cole yells out “How much time is left on this show?” It was awesome! Him quitting was also funny, though the bad news here? How much you want to bet Lawler takes his place? That’s really going to make this show awesome, Lawler going on about puppies for 60 minutes Sigh.


            BTW, we had a PPV the other night! For those who may want to read the review for Night of Champions on TWF, you can find it here. For the OFF TOPIC segments you can find my thoughts on that interesting night, in which the Laws of Reverse Momentum were completely ignored.


            Show starts with a replay of last week’s obstacle course, especially Vickie’s run through it. Kaitlyn won that one, in case ya forgot. It then shows off Michael Cole spazzing out and quitting the show.  After the okay opening theme, we are back in the arena with Josh. I was expecting the shot to widen out to reveal Jerry Lawler, but thankfully it’s just and empty chair.  Suddenly CM Punk is out in a sports jacket. Huh, wonder what he’s doing here... He’s sitting down behind the announce table and… no way! NO WAY!




            I have never been happier to be wrong in my life. CM Punk sits and takes over announcing, and I have to tell ya… he is amazing! I know, shocker one of the best talkers is amazing in the announce booth. I would happily advise anyone out there to look up this episode just for Punk’s announcing. It’s that good!


            Rookies come to the ring, and are met by Matt Striker in the ring. Matt Striker warns them if they think they’ve been scrutinized, wait till they finish this show. Wow, they’re not even trying to hide it anymore, are they? Vickie theme of her screaming, “Excuse Me!” kicks in (she’s yelling it); and she starts to talk about Kaitlyn… this woman is so getting eliminated first. To help her Rookie, Vickie had brought in some consultants… the new Diva’s champions LayCool! Happy to see them, as they are the only entertaining Divas in WWE at the moment. They tell Kaitlyn that they will help her defeat Jamie tonight and start to pick apart the other Rookies (which is really amusing). Kelly Kelly than comes out to cut a promo. She challenges LayCool and Kaitlyn to face her, Naomi, and Jamie. They accept…yay?


OFF TOPIC: Ziggler vs. Kofi was all right. Kofi is really turning into the Batista of the IC division with these constant title shots. I’m happy Dolph went over clean, as he needs the credit.


            We’re back and we’re in with the first Challenge… Musical Chairs.  I wish I were fucking kidding here. Look, I’m going to just assume that you all know the rules for this game. Here’s the order of eliminations.


1.       Kaitlyn

2.       Jamie

3.       Maxine

4.       Aksana

5.       Naomi




            Only two things were interesting for this segment. First, The ending between AJ and Naomi. It was close, with AJ sitting first but Naomi more or less pushing her out of the chair. Thankfully for AJ, the Ref (yes, they had a ref for this) caught it. That and Punk hysterically lies and says that at his wrestling school in Chicago, they did this everyday. Funny stuff.


            They advertise AJ vs. Maxine later tonight. That will be a clinic for sure.


OFF TOPIC: Big Show vs. CM Punk was okay, I guess. Sorry but how did they expect me to think Punk had a chance when Show already beat him when it was 3 on 1? Have to wonder if they are building Show up either for a run with the title, or maybe he’ll even be the one to challenge Taker at Wrestlemania?


            We come back to an advertisement for Hell in a Cell… you know, screw you WWE. I mean you just took $45 of my money, and you want me to shell out another $45 in like two weeks? Little greedy, don’t ya think?


            We get an Aksana package that honestly makes me respect her a little bit more. Apparently she was a championship bodybuilder, so she is a lot more than a pretty face. That’s awesome, really. Stuff like this makes me like these new Divas, which is awesome. Keep it up WWE.

            We get a Goldust/Aksana backstage segment, in which shows a storyline in which Aksana could get deported. Goldust says not to worry and to just focus on tonight, and they even do some breathing exercises. While Aksana’s acting is a bit below par, I am always happy when they do segments expanding upon the relationships between Rookie and Pro.


            The segment is thrown back violently as we are sent back to Cole and Punk. Its here Punk debuts my new favorite catch phrase “Shut up, Josh.” Awesome stuff, the commentary is really saving this show.


            RAW Rebound is next, showing the Wade/Cena ending. They have a match now at Hell in a Cell, where if Cena loses, he must join Nexus. If he wins however, Nexus must disband. Wow, if this isn’t a lose-lose for Wade. He loses, he loses his stable. He wins, Cena “joins” Nexus. Just like Shawn Michaels “joined” JBL, or Punk joined the New Breed… stupid.


            The show off the rest of the card, which is pretty much Orton vs. Sheamus for the title. Sorry WWE, I have a strict one per month rule with PPV.


            Maxine vs. AJ later tonight.


OFF TOPIC: Good job, WWE. You really did convince me that you were stupid enough to split LayCool and put the belt on the boring Melina. LayCool wins the most unfair Lumberjill/jack match ever! Really, even heels hate LayCool? Isn’t Rosa losing weight to join LayCool?


            Match time!






            They show a replay of last week’s joke challenge, showing that this match is a result of Maxine’s mocking of AJ. Proof positive that no good came from that contest.


            This match is an excellent taste of how good AJ is, who does a lot of cool spin kicks and lucha moves. Maxine also ain’t terrible either.


            Of course, as I type that, the ending takes place. Maxine grabs AJ and gives her a brainbuster. It definitely was, as even CM Punk exclaimed “Oh wow, a brainbuster!”… Aj then rolls over and pins Maxine for three.




            …Huh?! What happened!? BTW, WWE apparently no longer cares to keep track of the win-loss records of the Rookies, so I’m taking myself off the hook as well.


            Al of a sudden, Cole is out. He says, despite the boo’s he’s getting here (And there are a lot of boos), he says a silent majority of you said that you didn’t want Cole to leave NXT. Cole says despite the fact that this show is garbage; he will come back to the show and fight through it for us. It was actually a really good heelish promo.


            Line of the segment goes again to Punk. Cole gives him props for trying to carry the show, and that he’s here to make it good again. Punk’s response: “Oh, its bad with or without you, but I’m happy your back.” Happily, Punk decides to stick around.


OFF TOPIC:  Miz/Bryan definitely had the match of the night, in a match that made both guys. I believe Miz will ultimately get the win out of the feud, but really neither guy has to worry about losing their job anytime soon.


            We’re back; with a three man broadcast team. Punk wishes he had a Chihuahua dressed as a human with him (A Mongo reference!).  Rookies are back in the ring for the next challenge, which is a Talk the Talk promo challenge. So finally a challenge that has to do with wrestling... but it is BAD!  Let’s go through it…


1)      Jamie had Teeth. Was DQ’ed for going off topic.

2)      Naomi gets toupee. I really don’t think she knows what one is.  Is also DQ’ed for going off topic. Apparently, she wanted to wrestle on this wrestling show. What a silly girl.

3)      AJ – Gets caffeine, and cuts the best promo… which ain’t saying much.

4)      Aksana gets llama, and she’s not sure what one is. The entire segment is trying to get Striker to pretend to be a llama… and this fails miserably.

5)      Maxine gets foot, and cuts a promo about wanting to crush AJ with her foot. Okay! We get it; you two don’t like each other! Just let it go!

6)      Kaitlyn gets ignition. Talks about how someone told her to imagine everyone in their underwear to relax. She then cuts a promo on what people look like in their underwear… she then ends it with “Yeah, seeing people in their underwear… really gets my ignition going.” The execution of this line was so dry it made it hysterical.


            Voting time, and its kind of a draw between AJ and Kaitlyn (told ya it was funny!) Vince however yells at Striker to just give AJ the win.




            Since the contest standings matter more than anything now, here’s the standings:


Naomi with 2 wins

AJ with 2 wins

Kaitlyn with 1 win

Jamie with 1 win


            Now this segment was horrible, and as such I would have made a long rant about now much it sucked… however, one thing saved it. Two things actually: Punk and Cole, who proceeded to commentate on this one MST3K style! (Mystery Straightedge Theater 3000?) And just ripped this apart. Its official folks… WWE is aware this program is garbage.


            OFF TOPIC: To wrap up: Why are Cody/Drew the tag champs? Cause Hart Dynasty can’t talk for shit! Yay Kane! Orton with the belt?! Already!?







            Not even LayCool could save this one. Kaitlyn maybe good looking, but she is AWKWARD in the ring. Naomi and Jamie continue to show they are strong contenders in the ring. End comes when Kaitlyn is reversed into a pinfall.




            An argument ensues with the heels, who blame Kaitlyn. She responds to this by pushing Michelle to her butt. Layla grabs Kaitlyn by her legs, allowing McCool to hit a sick kick to the head to close us out.


            This was a good show… kinda. Its like saying the movie the MST3Kers are watching is good. Its not, its still garbage actually. The only reason you like it is because they’re making fun of it so well… that’s what this episode was. I only got through it thanks to Punk and Cole… and God bless them for it! Best news?! He’ll be back next week!




AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  The Promo challenge was garbage!


WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  AJ wins a match by taking a brainbuster?






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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).