WWE NXT RANT
Welcome one and all, to the third season slamboree of WWE NXT! I'm your host with maybe the most, Queen of Beasts, -the- name of the rose, WWE's D-show DJ, Andariel Halo! And yes, you ARE drunk and stupid and accidentally clicked on the TNA iMPACT! Recap button, or something.
In reality, the NXT guy, Not-Great Scott, (Is it Shane Steele these days or the Ian Not-Malcolm guy?), whoever he is, definitely not named Malcolm Not in the Middle even though he is named that, thoroughly stirred in my loins a longing for life. I feared he may have subtly inferred that his suicide was imminent, and surely his responsibilities as TWF hack would be terminal.
So I figured, if WWE NXT Divas is so intense and spiteful for him, the best remedy must be A DOSE OF TOTAL NONSTOP ATROCITY WRESTLING! So yes, he will be doing the TNA iMPACT! recap to come about Sunday or December, whichever comes first. Mine will be written on tomorrow, because you can't rush genius, which is exactly what I tell my college professors when I miss every single exam, homework, term paper deadline ever. I can 9001% guarantee you it will work every time, I give you my word and expertise as a quantum chiropractor. And if it doesn't work, you're doing it wrong.
So I watch the intro video thing, and notice a distinct lack of familiar voices in it, like they replaced certain superstars from the past with more current, less famous/popular voices. Also hard to take NXT seriously with a song that promotes their sexiness ahead of actual wrestling skill. Also, since when did Vickie Guerrero get the dyke haircut?
Speaking of dyke haircut, she's the first one out, saying how her rookie Kaitlyn embarassed her last week. She says "EXCUSE ME" a lot, which people seem to take as a cue to boo a lot! What gives? She's trying to speak! Or honk. She's got that kind of voice. All's good for her and Eddie, as they certainly did love one another deeply, but she looks like a swollen goat, and a voice half as pretty.
Her latest boyfriend is DOLPH ZIGGLER! Who I once accidentally called by another name that was very much offensive to persons of the African below-the-Sahara persuasion. It rhymed with "Ziggler"
FINALLY, says Michael Coleslaw, SOME CLASS TO THIS SILLY SHOW! STOP SHOOTING COLE~!!!!11!
Last week, Primo's rookie AJ told Vickie to go away, and sicced Kaitlyn on her. And she epically failed, getting her dork ass thrown onto Vickie, who proceeded to go SUPER KAMEHAMEHAMEHAMEHA SAIYAN with anger. This explains the dyke-cut, I guess. And shut up you who says she had it even before then. Editing, and all.
Dolph Ziggle and Kaitlyn w/ Vickie Guerrero vs Primo Colon and AJ Not-Styles
According to my hispanic side, Primo Colon means "First Ass", or Cousin Ass. Or Cousin Columbus. Pick one. I miss AJ Styles. I wonder what he's doing on TNA iMPACT right now tomorrow night. Be sure to watch it; I probably won't! Doff starts with punching on Cousin, only to get dropkicked, and he tags out to Kaitlyn. Fuck! I have to revise the title again. According to Cole, AJ was homeless for 3 years. HOORAY FOR PG INFERRENCES TO PROSTITUTION! He then says if she don't pick it up, she's gonna be homeless again in 3 weeks. YAY THREATS TO ENCOURAGE PRODUCTIVITY! AJ headlocks Kaitlyn, but she tries to pull a Jerry Lawler to AJ's Andy Kaufman, but fails miserably, and has to shove her away and knock her down. She then steps on her, and pulls on her hair some.
AJ gets up and kicks at Kaitlyn's shin, and keeps elbowing her in the face and such. Josh Matthews and Michael Cole yell at each other, including mentioning how AJ not Styles will donate her million dollars to dogs or something instead of buying a home, where she could adopt a shitload of dogs, instead of buying them a few extra days before euthanization. Josh loves it, and gets a tear in his eye, and Coleslaw says he should get a tear in his eye looking in the mirror at his shitty outfit, prompting Josh to yell HE HAS A shitty jacket. Cole then says they don't pay him enough to sit out here and call this stupid show, so that's why he wears the shitty jacket.
These guys are so much more fun than the shitheads and Neelix's on my show. On the wrestling side, AJ lowblows the blonde, then runs off the ropes and crossbodies her and pin gets 2. The blonde then clotheslines her down, and tags in Dolph ZIggler, who knocks Primo off the apron, then stalks AJ like so much bleach-blonde sexual predators. She gets up and stands off with Dolph, but he won't let her by to tag Primo. So she just bitchslaps him a few times. YAY WOMEN'S WRESTLING? Not really. Primo gets in to do some flippy-dippy shit and dropkicks on Doph. He then gets him in the corner and irish whips, only to counter, then get clotheslined down by Primo. Pin gets 2.
Dolph gets up and Primo runs at the turnbuckle and hits nothing. Ziggler hits his Zig Zag, a name that suchs so much bullshit, I'm going to call it "Not as Epic as Starship Pain". Pinwin. For some reason, Vickie is sadface, though you'd hardly notice.
WINNAR: Dolph Ziggler and Kaitlyn
Cole says something is bothering Vickie, so he should go and console her, because he's totally not happily married with enough money to hire attractive prostitutes if he so wished.
VIDEO PROMO THING for rookie diva Maxine. She is She is the next WWE Diva. Her words. She's got porn-star lineage; Spanish, Cuban, Italian, Hawaiian, Chinese, she went to school for Criminology to be a CSU, and ended up modeling and probably porn work. Her greatest asset is her eyes; namely, she can see things, and thus navigate her way throughout the world. Good asset.
Thus far, what she's done is dance like a stripper, pose, and pose int he ring. She doubts any of the others are willing to push it... into their butts when Johnny Ace gets a raging hardon.
Anyway, what better way to show which of these ROOKIE DIVAS IS BEST SUITED FOR SLAMMING SHIT ON THE RING AND BRAWLING AND WRESTLING AND FEMALE WRESTLING IN THE WWE than... a JOKE-OFF! A hell of a success; I'm laughing already.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "Underground Comedy Movie 2010"? They made another one why? How many kilos did they entice Lindsay Lohan with to join up? Are you really going to be drawn into a movie being advertised as being by "Vince, 'the Sham-Wow Guy'"? THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS THAT NEED TO BE ASKED!
SHILLING WWE'S FACEBOOK PAGE! Also, that's NOT a backslash, Cole. Fucking Mike Tenay---err, I mean Mike Cole.
Now Matt Striker is in the ring, introducing Aksana, the Lithuanian. My experience with those pagan faggots is them being a big fucking nuisance to my Teutonic Knights by attacking me constantly, then converting to Christianity so I can't retaliate without getting hell from the Pope. Fucking Pope. Fucking Lithuanians.
To substantially less fanfare, it's Jamie, a registered nurse with genuine muscles. Then Maxine, who changed her hair significantly from the video promo. Then the negress Naomi! She got blue hair in front. Also, she prompted Michael Cole to dance last week. Greatest thing in the ever. Even just the clip I saw.
Striker says the opening night jitters have subsided, and each one is ready to show the world they're a breakout diva, and so their first rookie challenge tonight... entertain the crowd by telling them a joke! It's not a great joke, but it's the only one I remember all the time and constantly bring up whenever I'm pressed to make a funny, so I'd make this one if I were an NXT Diva:
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend.
"So what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants."
NXT GRAND PRIZE, PLEASE!
So let's see what AJ Styles has to say. Fuck, I mean not-Styles. She says "So a blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops, they hide in a bar and they get into these potato sacks. The brunette gets into her potato sack, the cop kicks it, she goes WOOF!" Crowd is shitting on this thus far, "The redhead gets into her potato sack, the cop kicks it, she goes MEOW! The blonde gets into her potato sack, the cop kicks it, the blonde goes POTATO!" I personally loved it; if only because people booed so hard, it made ME laugh. Michael Cole thinks Striker's Don Rickles comment is outdated, which goes to show how outdated Cole is.
Aksana's next, to bombard us with old fashioned east-european KOMEDY!!! This one is popular in Lithuania; LITHUANIAN LANGUAGE! Okay, she'll say it in English; what's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds YES! No.
Jamie's next. She says she needs help from Detroit. Cole and Matthews are suffocating on their own derisive laughter from the previous two. Jamie say KNOCK KNOCK, Detroit say WHO THERE, AJ, AJ STYLES-- I mean, AJ WHO? She annoys us by saying it again, who's there, AKSANA, AKSANA WHO?, Exactly. Best joke of the night, bitch.
Naomi's turn. She says HEEEYY DETROIT! HAHAHAROFLMAOLOL leave, please. Oh wait, she's not done; What do you call a dog with no legs? It ain't don' matta cuz it ain't gonna come to you. That's... that's just sad. I'm gonna go cry. My dog died last year.
So Maxine is gonna pick a joke from the five in the ring here; AJ reminds her of a little girl scout, except girl scouts don't last in WWE, AJ. My only comeback involves savage raping. So she gives AJ 20 dollars to give her some thin mints. Totally selling her homeless bum gimmick, she tears up the 20, and jumps on Maxine to beat her up. Matt Striker breaks this up an dsays the COMPETITION IS INTENSIFYING! Says who?
Kaitlyn's turn. She goes 'is this thing on?' and such, and Cole and Matthews laugh hysterically, likely derisive. She brings AJ Styles in to be part of her shitty knock knock joke. Knok knock, who's there? KGB, OH NOESZ! MINKA, HIDE ZE CHILDREN, IS KGB AT DOOR! If there was a joke in there, it got lost in the savage beating as AJ gets slapped by Kaitlyn, and whatever she was gonna say was broken off by AJ's punches.
Now, who told the funniest joke? Kaitlyn? Big boos. Maxine? Lesser boos. Jaime? Big cheers. Naomi? Mixed. Aksana? Boos. AJ? Boos.
This is ridiculous, says Cole, and Matthews is like wut? And Cole... starts banging on a gong randomly placed next to him. A comically misplaced loud instrument placed handy for a commentator to lash out with? COMEDY GOLD~! Michael Cole says all of these would-be divas should be gonged, Matt Striker should be gonged, anyone who bought a ticket here should all be gonged. Except for Cole and Josh Matthews, this whole NXT show should be gonged. He then hits the gong some more. This is just too hilarious.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: You can't learn from your mistakes if you never make them.
FINALLY SOME CLASS ON THIS SHOW says Michael Cole... the Bella twins! I know, right? What is it the Malcolm dood has in between matches that no one reads? Well forget that, this week there are no ratings, because all matches are equally garbage in the eyes of Captain Halo!
Jamie w/ Bella Twins vs Aksana w/ Goldust
Where the fuck does Matthews get off calling Aksana's square dinner-plate stomach "gorgeous abs" and completely looking over Jamie's ACTUAL abs? Fucking... so it starts with a lockup, and Jamie armwrenches her, and THAT'S HOW HE KNOWS THAT GIRL---Jamie was the ring announcer before they replaced her with Tony Chimmel. She's already under contract, so she gonna win. Arm wrench on Aksana, then armlock from behind, but gets reversed by Aksana.
Aksana turns it into a headlock and grinds it, but gets shoved away by Aksana into the turnbuckle, who then takes her back to scoop slam her. She misses an elbow dorp on Jamie, and Jamie gets up and shoves her into a corner. Coleslaw mentions Aksana has a BA in sports technology and tourism, and remarks he'd like to go on a tour with her. Big long fucking science and Matthews says "What does that even mean??"
ANYWAY to the match, Jamie AAAARMBAAAAARS Aksana, and gets her on her knees to stand over her, armwrenching her hard, but Aksana gets to the rope forcing her off. She then shoves Jamie away, and they get into a pushing contest while Cole and Josh say they should become pros for next season's NXT! Cole's competed for the tag team championships before, after all! Make it so, WWE! Aksana monkey flips Jamie some, then runs and clotheslines her a few times. Then she bops Jamie in the mouth some. Cole SHITS on Jamie and such by saying SHE'S not gonna waste money on animals, but on NEEDY CHILDREN! Yeah, bitch, it's humans first.
Anyway, Jamie smushes Aksana into a corner, and schoolboys for a win. EPIC FINISHER but not really.
Video package tiem for Naomi, who has PURPLE fronthair in this package. She says she's spunky, sporty, and spontaneous. You know what else has an SP beginning? Uhh... sperm-drinker. Or something. Fuck you. She was a dancer, and started dancing with the Orlando Magic, and she also DUNKED teh bazgetball. Via a trampoline. She says she's not just a dancer, followed by video footage of her doing nothing but dancing and posing. Yeah, see? She can pose, too. Her message to the other divas is to bring their A-game and be prepared. Why? Does she want to win? Don't encourage them to try to be better than you, you idiot!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Everyone in that elevator is the devil.
When we return, VIDEO PACKAGE FOR THE UNDERTAKER VS KANE THING AT NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS! They show Paul Bearer stuff, and I get to see just how fat Kane's gotten since his debut, and how much I miss masked Kane, even though for all intents and purposes, he was a Pallete-swap of the Undertaker. I'm serious, too! Look at Undertaker and Kane in any wrestling game from the 90s an early 2000s! All the same moves as Undertaker. I can't take Kane seriously when he looks like that fat firebreathing giant in "Big Fish". Damn this video is long.
Apparently, via the video preview thing, what makes Vickie Guerrero so horsefaced is when Dolph Ziggler hugged Kaitlyn so hard after their match. Now backstage Vickie makes her go away and looks at Dolph all ugly, and all like "What is all that about?" and saying they're all over each other, and she was excited, they won, he win's all the time (since last week), and she won the first time here. Vickie says he might lose all of this, indicating herself, and prompting snorting, derisive laughter from the commentator doods. Doodicles, this Cole and Matthews duo makes Tenay and Taz look like Cole and Matthews of a lesser kind.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I, Captain Halo. I, slaughterer of thousands. I, oppressor of the meek, subduer of the weak, degrader of the Greek, destroyer of the Turk, must hurry back to work.
OBSTACLE COURSE TIEM~!
Jamie won their jerk-off earlier, so--- I'm sorry, he said "joke-off", I misheard. They run down the ramp, stomp the tires, jump barriers, do ten pushups, go along balance beam, push a cart up the ramp, and win. Somehow people cheer. Just as Kaitlyn is to start, Vickie Guerrero begs our excusal. Since Kaitlyn embarassed her last week and used her boyfriend to win her match, Kaitlyn NEEDS to win this obstacle course, and since Vickie is the best pro of the season (which given who the other pros are, is definitely a sound judgement call), so she's gonna show her how the course is done, by doing it first.
Im anxious for this. You don't know how exciting and awesome this is gonna be! VICKIE GUERRERO FOR HTE OBSTACLE COURSE! YAY FOR THE GUERRERO FAMILY LEGACY! She stretches for an overly long time, to blatant boos and such. Striker's like "On your mark" and she puts her finger up to wait and he goes "Really," in that hilarious way that smug assholes do. NOW SHE GOES!
She actually makes the tires, and jumps over two barriers, then the third one! She drops to do pushups... and does them all legit. Holy fuck. She gets on the balance beam and... makes it, after a quick fall. Then she falls on her face off the balance beam. Suddenly she's all screaming and shrieking and walking away in shame. Somehow this warrants a commercial break. HOORAY WWE ACTION!@~!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I never knew Lil Wayne was so young, and fat... and white.
We get a MOMENTS AGO of Vickie Guerrero owning faces with that awesome course run, except for failing to push a cart. Kaitlyn's turn now; she does the tires good, hops over the barriers, then does a roll. SHE CHEATS WITH HER PUSHUPS by having her legs too far apart.
She gets the balance beam, then runs to shove the cart upramp, and jumps onto the top to pose as it flies over the line. 36.5 seconds, compared to Vickie's 1:27 minutes.
Aksana next, she does tires fine, hops over two barriers perfect, does the third good. CHEATS HER ASS OFF ON THE PUSHUPS like she's doing teh Wurm. Has to hurry across the balance beam, then runs to push the cart, and OOOOH misses it with 37.2 seconds.
Now for AJ Styles. AJ. Fucking TNA. She does the tires good, hops over the barriers, but kind of slow in getting to the third. Pushups fine, but she started out of the yellow box thing. She slows a bit, and she ain't gonna make it now; 36 seconds past and she's at the cart now, shoving up and making 46 seconds. COLE WONDERS WHY THEY AIN'T BOOING AJ LIKE THEY DID VICKIE! GOOD QUESTION, HORSEFACE.
Maxine next, she runs to the tires and does them well. She hops over the two barriers fine, flops over the third, does the pushups fine, flops on the balance beam midway, then shoves the cart hard and makes 39.1 seconds.
TIEM FOAR JAMIE who looks like an actual female wrestler so much so it makes me hot and bothered in that "Mommy, why do I like girls so much an think boys are icky when I'm already 17?" kind of way. She staggers a bit on the tires, hoists over the barrier, sluggish on the third, then runs for pushups real fast.
Now she run for the balance beam, does that, and runs to shove the cart up, PEOPLE CHEER OH YAHZ and she OH missed it, with 36.8 seconds.
Naomi now, as he said one more competitor left, and Cole says did he say one more left? and Striker says "Yes I did" SHE FUCKS UP THE TIRES, but flies over the fucking barriers. She does some cheap-ass excuse for pushups, and has to start over. Cole and Matthews are angry. She fucks up the balance beam and some guy near the camera shouts "CHEATER!" and such. She shoves the cart uphill, making 57.4 seconds.
Kaitlyn wins and loves up against Vickie. Now Cole gets on the gong again to bang it wildly and such. Funny, funny stuff. Just have him bang that gong any time he wants, and I'm watching that shit. Michael Cole says THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I WAS A WAR CORRESPONDANT AND NOW I'M COVERING THIS! WCW/ECW Invasion does NOT count as a war, Cole. He then says he's done, and leaves, saying "Stupid. Stupid. Dumb. Stupid. Stupid. Dumb." and everyone boos him.
NXT YAY: Well I was won over! I LURV this show and look forward to maybe stealing some recaps when Malcolm Not in the Middle botches his next suicide attempt. What gives, brah? This show rules; almost no wrestling at all! Great stuff to cover.
NXT BOO: The wrestling matches. They sucked a dick, a familiar experience for several of the diva rookies I imagine.
NXT WTF: Michael Cole's gong. I loved it and it was hilarious due solely to its absurdity. What was with it, though?
This was Captain Andariel Halo taking over for the faggot who should do a TNA recap and if he sucks, we'll have his head beat up and smacked.
Watch my show or I will
find your goddamn neck
When I raise my trigga finga all ya fuckaz hit the deck
My hits don't hurt like my near misses
I'm the one like Halo and I'm wrestlicious
Feedback if you want: email@example.com
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).