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WWE NXT RANT

9/8/10

 

            Hey guys, Malcolm Not in the Middle here, and I want to die! Oh my god, this show… has completely gone off the deep end in terms of being completely awful! This was the worst show I’ve ever seen, worst than TNA! I would rather watch TNA over this 60 minutes of garbage that WWE fed us.

 

            To explain how bad it is: Remember the Diva Search? They gave that what, 5-10 minutes on RAW? Imagine if they gave it 60 minutes. You realize that I’d say roughly 60% of the writers for this website will simply put “I’m not writing this garbage” for the description when there is a women’s match? You’re basically getting an entire report, and all I want to write for the whole show is I’m not covering this garbage.

 

            … But I need the writing experience, so I will try just the same. God this is going to suck.

 

            Still standing here in, oh who cares? If there was one saving grace for this whole show, it was the new opening theme. Hey I liked it, and didn’t mind that they played it over and over. Then again, it could just be that I hated the “We…are…wild… and…young” song that much. The announcers welcome us to the show, and then proceed to act like 12 year olds, cause that’s entertaining. Josh Matthews then lies to the audience by saying and I quote “This will be entertaining.” You know Josh; I really did used to like you.

 

            Time for generic default NXT opening with Tony Chimel introducing the Pro’s; who then introduce us to their Rookies. Kelly^2, who cannot stop smiling, introduces us to Generic Naomi. For those interested, you can create Naomi on SvRby hitting “Random” on the create-a-wrestler feature. Bellas introduce Jamie Keyes, who I will admit is really in shape without looking masculine. I can buy her in a wrestling match, so props to her.

 

            BTW, I have to say, listening to the announcers, its like listening to two teenagers watching porn. Very disturbing stuff.

 

            Primo… who I refuse to acknowledge as a “Pro”… Introduces AJ, who apparently is a favorite amongst those in the back. Here’s hoping she’s good then. Alicia Fox out, and here Rookie is Maxine, who loves showing cleavage… ya she’ll fit in fine. Goldust out… with Aksana from Sweden. You can tell just by listening to her that she was hired for her wrestling skill. Well all the… oyi, Vickie out. You know, they should just cut the middle man and make her saying “Excuse me!!!” repeatedly her freakin theme music.

 

            If you didn’t hear, her original Rookie (Whose name escapes me, but she was the 6’9” chick) has been pretty much either suspended or released by WWE. Reason being? Nudie pictures. So for those keeping count, its okay to look and act like a prostitute, however, you can’t go full prostitute.

 

            Anyway, her Rookie is Katelyn, who in my opinion is the hottest one there. However, she’s paired with Vickie. Simply this will make her the first one eliminated. So once again, I lose.

 

            Christ, they are dancing to the opening theme now. Striker is in, who lies to the WWE Universe by saying being a Diva is an honor, and that they are really respected.  Line of the night; right there. We start the suck off to a roaring start by having all the girls talk to introduce themselves.

 

            Katelyn starts of, and she pretty much proves she’s just a pretty face. She tries to pull off the Bully gimmick, sorta like Alex Riley. However, she stutters, looks kinda awkward, and no. She sucks. Vickie, proving why she is the ultimate heel, ends up hating her Rookie’s speech and makes her do it again. Oh my God. Kate sums it up with how happy she is with Vickie and that’s good enough. Aksana speaks Swedish… and I cannot understand a word she is saying! I have to say though; Goldust has a scary stalker vibe going for him, as he watches in the background.

 

            Maxine is up, and she is garbage. She is the epitome of someone trying to play a character… very awkwardly. AJ proves to be Lucky Cannon version two as she’s just happy to be there. They try to sell us that she’s a nerd because she likes video games and shit… yet looks like a model. It’s a Morgan Webb kinda sell, in other words.

 

            Jamie doesn’t surprise me, as it turns out the ring announcer is the best talker there. Who woulda thunk? If she can wrestle, she could be tough to beat.

 

            Finally she’s Naomi… who is so generic, I left the room. She finishes and Striker tells us the first challenge is coming up and is… a Diva Dance off… Kill me now.

 

OFF TOPIC: I hate this show.

 

            Okay, the dance off is up, and apparently, the girls will be getting Dance partners. The partners are Cole, Chimel and Matthews… Yeah, I’m not review this garbage. However, some “highlights”.

 

-          AJ and Katelyn should trade gimmicks. Kate did the freakin Carlton in her dance!

-          Lots of “Tryin to be sexy” here

 

            Winner of this competition is Naomi, the freakin former dancer, who would thunk? Striker explains that they will be holding a multiple amount of challenges, and the one who has won the most in 4 weeks (When the first elimination takes place) win immunity from elimination… okay, that makes sense, I like that.

 

            Up next is a Worker’s Paradise! As Kelly^2 and Naomi take on Alicia Fox and Maxine. My lord….

 

OFF TOPIC: I really want to die.

 

KELLY KELLY & NAOMI

VS.

ALICIA FOX & MAXINE

 

            Not covering this garbage… okay, I will say that Naomi is surprisingly good in this match. She maybe a really great wrestler… I’m shocked.

 

            The end however was horrid. Naomi gets the pin… that she wasn’t supposed to get because Alicia took too long to break up the pin. Kelly is pissed for some reason, and goes insane on Alicia. Naomi continues the match, thinking Alicia broke up the pin.  She goes for a pin, and the ref is like “Uh, dude, the match is over.” The crowd reacts accordingly to this.

 

WINNERS: Kelly and Naomi

 

Naomi is 1-0

Maxine is 1-0

 

            Could that be a metaphor for this entire season, I wonder?

 

            When we come back… Capture the Flag?

 

OFF TOPIC: Really, really want to die.

 

            Here’s the deal with the challenge: There is six woman but 5 flags on the end of the ramp. The one, who doesn’t get the flag, is eliminated. Then there’s another set of flags elsewhere, except there 4. The one who fails here is also eliminated and so on. For those who care, here is the order of eliminations.

 

1)      Jamie

2)      AJ

3)      Aksana

4)      Katelyn

5)      Naomi

 

            So Naomi wins both challenges and her match, and is on the preverbal roll. Don’t care.

 

            At this point I realize I have been counting down the minutes till this show is over. Fifteen minutes to go.

 

OFF TOPIC: Reaching for a knife.

 

            It’s the recap portion of our show.  Lets speed through this:

 

-          Legendary looks worth a rental.

-          I’ll watch Night of Champions.

           

            Recap of Jamie Keyes. Once again, if she can wrestle, she could be big.

 

            The first of twenty million mixed tags between Primo and Goldust is up next. EPIC!

 

OFF TOPIC:…………..

 

PRIMO & AJ

VS.

GOLDUST & AKSANA

 

            In summary Aj must have a lot of skill, cause like great female wrestlers before her, she got her butt kicked by the less talented Diva for a majority of the match. Thankfully, she eventually hits a lucha libre move to win it. I say eventually cause Aksana f’ed up the first time they tried the move.

 

WINNERS: Primo and AJ

 

AJ is 1-0

Aksana is 0-1

 

            Vickie is out, and she wants Katelyn to introduce herself again….ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGH! Make this stupid show stop!

 

            Thankfully, AJ tells Vickie to shut up. Vickie tells Katelyn to attack AJ… who reverses and shoves Katelyn into Guerrero. Her response is to scream and have a seizure. This closes us out of the show…

 

            Oh my god, what a piece of $hit show. I will be honest people, I dunno how long I will last this time. I will try my best folks but no promises.

 

           

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  Cole dancing was funny.

 

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  THE WHOLE SHOW.

 

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD:  This goes to WWE, who still wonder why SyFy is dropping this series ~_~;;;

 

 SEND FEEDBACK TO MALCOLM NOT IN THE MIDDLE.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).