Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

WWE NXT RANT

8/31/10

 

           

 

            YES! WOOOOOOOO! Congratulations readers, we made it through yet another Season of NXT! Granted it was not as bad as last season, in fact they did make some improvements… however, still happy to be through it.

 

            Who will win? I’m going to go with Kaval. Typically, the talker would have the advantage, but Riley is a heel. Kaval is an Internet sweetheart, and low and behold, the voting is taking place on the Internet. If the WWE is going to recon this however, its gonna be McGillicutty… Hopefully this will not be the case, as I freakin hate him. Time will tell.

 

            The topic of this week’s OFF TOPIC will be my “favorite” WTF moments on this season. I use quotations, as I rarely like these WTF moments.

 

            This week’s NXT is LIVE from Albany, NY.  They cut the annoying opening short, so I already love this show.  Ashley introduces us to the WWE Pro’s and Zack Ryder (Rimshot). More to the point, its all the Pro’s who’s Rookies were eliminated. Finally, Miz comes out to his intro and introduces Riley. Followed by LayCool who introduces Kaval. Finally, Kofi is out to introduce the Master of the McGillicutty (What?) and leader of the McGillibuddies (STOP TALKING KOFI!) Michael McGillicutty.

 

            The finalists are in the ring with their Pro’s, and all the eliminated Rookies are at ringside. Shocker. Striker reveals that the three finalists will be competing in a triple threat match… another shocker.

 

            We cut back to Josh and Cole who reveal that Season 3 of NXT will be… no. NO! Are you serious?!  All Divas?! ALL DIVAS!?!? The most boring division on your roster! The one everyone jokes is the bathroom break of the card… the entire show will be based around it?! Are you serious!? ARGH!!!!

 

            Fine, let’s get this over with, as they introduce the first Pro’s… Kelly Kelly… How oxymoronic is it for me to say Pro and Kelly Kelly within one sentence? Her Rookie is a chick named Naomi, who looks like a badly made created character on SvR. Thrill as she teaches her to smile and never win the Women’s Championship!

 

OFF TOPIC:  Kaval’s awful Win-Loss Record. Why is it seemingly a rule that the “Internet Celebrity” has to repeatedly job, even if they are the best one there?!

 

KAVAL

VS.

ALEX RILEY

VS.

MICHAEL MCGILLICUTTY

 

            This match was actually really good. Really faced paced, and all the wrestlers looked great. Worth a watch on youtube, when you get the chance. Kaval pulls out every kick you could think off.

 

OFF TOPIC: Husky is Good?! In the beginning, I thought Husky Harris was a boring wrestler, and thought he’d be the second one eliminated. However, he slowly proved me wrong as he slowly but surely came into his own. Look for this one to comeback soon!

 

            Miz is the highlight here as he goes and high fives the announcers when Riley is winning… Well, I thought it was funny.

 

            End comes as Kaval counters a McGillicutter with a cartwheel kick, setting up for the Warrior’s Way. However, Riley comes to, and throws Kaval from the top to the floor and steals a pin on Henning!

 

WINNER: Alex Riley

 

Riley is now 5-4

Kaval is now 3-6

McGillicutty is now 6-4

 

            Riley celebrates as if he just won the World Title…. As we cut to another new Rookie.

 

            Alicia Fox is a Pro….Alicia “Balding” Fox. Her Rookie is Maxine, who looks like a woman of the night… she’ll fit right in.           

 

OFF TOPIC:  The Kissing Contest. I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again…. How does this prove they’re good enough to become wrestlers?

 

            ….Wha- Goldust?! Goldust is a Pro on the all Diva NXT?! WTF?! His Rookie is Askana and she is from Sweden… Is this John Laurinaitis’ private fantasy!? What the hell are they doing?!

 

            Striker is out to announce the first Rookie to be eliminated- PSYCH! He’s going to do pointless interview with the eliminated Rookies first.

 

TITUS: Says his choices are between the Will Ferrell look alike, the ninja, and dude relieving his high school days. He picks Riley, as I remember why he was eliminated.

 

ELI: Picks Riley cause he’s a really nice guy… huh?

LUCKY: Says neither as the show went into the toilet as soon as he was eliminated. Cole says it best “Wait, so he’s a bad guy now?”

 

PERCY: Goes with McGillicutty because he has the ability to win.

 

HUSKY: Picks McGillicutty because like him and Cody, he was simply born better.

 

            So without any further ado, lets get into the first- DAMN IT!  It’s Alex Riley…

 

CHARACTER PERSPECTIVE: Alex Riley

 

BEGINNING: Thought he was one of the best athletes there, and already had a great character. I knew he’d be a force to be reckon with in the contest…. Only one problem.

 

NOW: He was a heel, and in a contest where the people make up 50% of the vote that’s not good.

 

FUTURE: Its bright, it is so bright for him. Expect big things from this kid.

 

            Riley is given the mic, and it looks like he was expecting this. Seriously, the fact that he made it this far into the competition while a heel is a great feat. He says this is only the beginning for him, and once again vows to return. God Speed Riley, looking forward to seeing you again!

 

            The next Pro for NXT next season is… The Bellas Twins…. Bella Twins. The Bellas Twins are going to be teaching someone how to wrestle. Think about that, and remember THEY ONLY WRESTLED 3 TIMES THIS YEAR! What the hell?!

 

            Their Rookie is Jamie Keyes… what the ring announcer? Well, least when she’s eliminated; she’ll still have a job.

 

            OFF TOPIC: The Pro’s actually caring about their Rookies. Especially LayCool; who I’ve grown to really like over the course of this contest.

 

            Recap of the China Tour. Whoopie.         

 

            And the next Pro is… Primo?! Are they trying to get this show cancelled?! His Rookie is a chick named AJ who claims to be a nerd, but looks like every other Diva I have ever seen.

 

            We’re back with the two Rookies, and they will do battle in a Promo Off to see which one has more charisma… shame they couldn’t have done this when Riley was hear.

 

McGillicutty: His promo starts off with him not being sure to breast Kaval or spank him... LOL WTF?! It just goes on from there.

 

Cole’s thoughts on this promo: “And Riley was the one who was eliminated?”

 

Kaval: Disney’s it up, but it works this time. He brings up that he was raised in Brooklyn, which gets a nice hometown pop. It’s actually really good, despite the fact that it’s a little cookie cutter.

 

Cole’s thoughts on this promo: That… was actually pretty good.”

                       

OFF TOPIC: Lucky Cannon. How did he get on this show? He absolutely sucks!

 

            During the break, my girlfriend Sandra and I had a conversation about the next season of NXT. I thought I would share, as it was pretty funny.

 

Malc: This season is going to blow!

 

Sandra: Why? Because it’s all women? Little sexist, don’t you think?

 

Malc: I have no qualms about women’s wrestling, but WWE is lousy with it. It’s been a joke for the last 3 years, and they have an annoying tendency to push the ones who can’t wrestle by beating the ones who can.

 

Sandra: Well, maybe this is a change. Maybe WWE is going to finally give some respect to the women and make them more than just objects.

 

Malc: Honey, think about what you just said…

 

Sandra: …. Nevermind.

 

            Another thing, the final commercial before we came back started with the Taker dong, and for a split second I thought Taker was going to be a Pro next season. I wonder what that would have been like?

 

            “With the support of my creatures off the Night, Casandra will make the others Rest… in… PEACE!”

 

            But you know who is a Pro this season?... Vickie Guerrero. Okay, aside from the whole “she’s so hated, she’ll get her Rookie canned” she is not a wrestler! What’s next? Justin Roberts going to be a Pro?

 

            Her Rookie is interesting, the infamous Amazon now called Aloisia… who is 6’9”. To point that into perspective, she is just a little shorter than Big Show.  She could be really cool… but you recall how awesome the last really tall guy was…

 

            Striker is back to announce the winner, and without further ado its- YES! YES! YES! Kaval did it!

 

CHARACTER PERSPECTIVE: Michael McGillicutty

 

BEGINNING: Was happy to see him… till he said what his name was… and when he continued to talk. Nevertheless, I knew he’d be a contender to win this thing. Management seems especially high on him.

 

NOW:  Lost cause he can’t talk. That and Kofi is a freakin moron. McGillibuddies? Come on! Also him going from heel to face week after week didn’t help his cause with the voting.

 

FUTURE: Don’t think he’s entertaining but he has a future. And for christ’s sake, change your name back!

 

            McGillicutty does the loser speech, which goes on for 5 years. No joke, he takes the mic, pauses for like a minute. Then he pauses after every sentence there on end before saying that Kaval winning is a joke, and storms off. Cole again sums it up nicely by saying “That’s great. Can we hear from the winner now please?”

 

            Kaval gets two sentences out before he is jumped by all the eliminated Rookies and is pounded. The Pro’s come out to help, but get tired and leave. I honestly don’t know what happened, they were there and then they just left. Alex Riley and McGillicutty. Run down to assist in the beatdown as well. Riley attacks Percy for a long time, before realizing “Oh wait, we’re attacking Kaval.”

 

            We go from there, to a replay of the season to close.

 

            So another Nexus? Well, they are short on members. Don’t be surprised to see Wade Barrett to be talking in the Rookies ear and be the reason they turned. They need to do something to make me believe Nexus is a threat, and a Smackdown Nexus maybe the way to go.

 

            But if they join up, they have to be Nexus. Them forming ANOTHER group of angry rookies is just going to the well once too many.

 

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”: Kaval winning. I love when the right guy goes over.

 

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  An all Diva NXT?! Seriously?!

 

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: You know Season 3 is going to be the shits when the biggest name amongst the Pros is Goldust.

 

 SEND FEEDBACK TO MALCOLM NOT IN THE MIDDLE.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).