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WWE NXT RANT

08/17/10

 

 

            (EDITOR’S NOTE: Before we go into the opening rant, which is pretty heavily anti-Cena, I just want to make my stance perfectly clear. You will hear (or read me) say “I hate John Cena” a lot. By this, I mean John Cena the written character, not John Cena the human being. I have absolutely no problem with Cena himself, as he seems like a genuinely nice guy, and a definite credit to the profession. In a sport where your heroes can end up disappointing you (I was a Hulkamaniac ~_~), Cena seems to take his role seriously, and for that, I can say Wrestling needs more guys like him. Hell, I’d happily have a beer with him if I saw him in a bar, so John the man, no problems… his character that I see on TV on the other hand…)

 

            So I saw Summerslam… and I hate John Cena. Fuckin-A man! I was enjoying the Nexus vs. Team WWE match. It told a good story, there was a nice back and forth, and it made Nexus look impressive! I enjoyed it, and think the Nexus members should be commended. What I hated however was the end, which is also the end of every John Cena match I’ve ever seen. He gets his butt kicked by both Barrett and Gabriel, and he’s lifeless. However, because this is PPV, they have to make Cena look like Superman, so they DDT him on cement. Let me reiterate that… they took Cena, and drove his head into the CEMENT floor. Gabriel goes for the 450, and Cena easily moves out of the way and pins Gabriel. Wade comes in, and Cena just decides to forget the last hour and casually slaps the STF on Barrett... to which he taps out in two seconds… I hate John Cena.

 

            Nothing about him makes sense! Number one, why does he have to spend 9/10’s of the match getting beat up, and then just forget to sell to end the match. Its like he’s Hulking up, but wants to just cut to the chase. It made sense when Ric Flair did it, because he was trying to make people think anyone could beat him. This strategy doesn’t work if you’re the guy winning all the time!  It ends up pissing on the whole “Suspension of Disbelief”. Also, why is a guy who only took 5 moves tapping out so quickly!? IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!

 

            Also annoying?! The announcers going out of their way to make matches he’s in look like he’s the underdog. Okay guys stop it. The guy who hasn’t been legitimately beaten in over two years is NEVER the underdog.  You were even trying to pull this off when he fought Darren freakin Young. Okay, one guy was eliminated in less than a minute; the other guy won the match. How was Cena in trouble here? DAMN IT!

 

            I am so looking forward to when he turns heel. Yeah, he’ll just simply hit the guy with brass knucks before hitting the Attitude Adjustment, and people will never submit to the STF… but his entire match structure will make sooooo much more sense.

 

            I digress; you guys came to me to find out about what happened on NXT. We are taped from Bakersfield, CA. They show off a recap of Lucky Cannon being eliminated, just because the WWE loves saying that “His Luck has run out!” Crappy intro, and we’re on. Rookies are introduced and come to the ring. Striker is out and reminds us of the TWO big eliminations for this week. He then gives the Rookies a chance to convince the Universe as to why they should stay… without them saying why they should stay. So when it doubt, give them a mic, huh WWE?

 

            All right, just to go down the list:

 

1.       Percy’s subject is 3D, and no, not the tag team. He goes on about the 3 D’s (Kinda like the 3 I’s)  I believe they were drinking, driving, and detoxing… or determination, diligence, and… drinking? It wasn’t that memorable, I’m sorry.

2.       Riley talks about Alex Riley, and he cuts an amazing heel promo, as I cry a little on the inside as it means he will not win. Ya I know he really doesn’t need to win NXT, but still….

3.       Michael McGillicutty talks about his competition, a promo that confuses me as he goes from face to heel… that is kinda stupid on his part if he wants to win. Ya keep the contract, I’m just gonna go heel, thanks.

4.       Kaval talks about NXT…. And he fuckin raps! It’s pretty funny as well entertaining. Cole, being a heel, of course says it was stupid, but he is wrong. Very wrong.

5.       Husky Harris talks about cowboy boots. Here’s a fn drinking game for you, every time he says the phrase “Cowboy Boots” talk a shot. Otherwise, this promo was boring.

           

            So then Alex Riley wins again, not that there was a prize for this or anything. Speaking of Riley getting a prize, how awesome was his “starring role” on RAW?... as Miz’s sidekick… in a 2 minute segment… Oh well, least Miz was nice enough to let him talk for a spell.

 

            Before we have time to relax, Striker announces that the next elimination is next! Alright, I guess its time to put Alex Riley out of his- Holy shit, really?! Percy Watson has been eliminated?!

 

Character Perspective: PERCY WATSON

 

BEGINNING: He really did stand out, and was a very entertaining character. I assumed he’d be in the finals or at least be a strong contender at least.

 

NOW: I wasn’t wrong about him, but I understand why he eliminated. His act, while funny in the beginning… it got old really quick. Though that’s kind of a major drop. Wasn’t he number three last time?

 

FUTURE: I think I know why he was eliminated, and no I don’t think he was voted off.  Same reason that Darren Young was kicked out of Nexus. These two used to be a pretty popular tag team in FCW, so don’t be surprised to see those two hooking up sooner rather than later.

 

            Percy is gone, and it’s a sad day. He is very classy in his exit, and swears we have not seen the last of him… and its one of the few times I believe that statement.

 

OFF TOPIC: Another Fan Law:  If John Cena slaps on the STF on a heel, he has to tap out within 2-5 seconds. If done to a face, they have the option of making it to the ropes.

 

            We’re back, and thrown violently into a match!

 

ZACK RYDER

VS.

MICHAEL MCGILLICUTTY

 

            This was an okay match, which showed of McGillicutty’s “ruthless aggression” nicely. Its actually a really back and forth match, and the first time, and makes McGillicutty look like he belongs in the ring with the real superstars… that’s is until…

 

WINNER: Zack Ryder

 

McGillicutty is now 6-3

 

            So Percy Watson, joke character, can defeat Zack Ryder… but McGillicutty, the no nonsense wrestler, loses to him? Really?

 

            They then recap the mid-carders fighting for the World Title, or Kane vs. Mysterio as it was called. Thank God they let Kane beat up Undertaker, cause I swear if I had to rewatch Kane get scared out of his mind again….

 

            Another LayCool-Kaval segment, which are always fun. They share a cute “go team go” moment, as Kaval heads out for his match. Michelle and Layla have some girl talk as they begin to hint that Layla has a crush on him. Okay, this is officially the most ANYONE has gone for their Rookie. This is probably the first and only time a Pro would ever say about his Rookie “Yeah, I’d do him.” Husky comes out to be a creepy fat guy, as we cut to commercial.

OFF TOPIC: Am I the only one who thinks Skip Sheffield is doing awesome with his new role as enforcer for Nexus?

 

            Another match!

 

KAVAL w/ Pros who want to do him

VS.

HUSKY HARRIS w/ Pro who I hope to Jesus doesn’t want to do him

 

            This was a very cool match. For one, it’s nice to see an actual rivalry or a story of some kind developing between the Rookies. Plus, these two have nice chemistry: Kaval plays well to the fact that Husky is a mac truck of a man, and Husky pulls the role of “Big Man trying to catch the smaller man and failing” well. I honestly don’t mind these two fighting repeatedly.

 

            There are a lot of nice spots, including a cartwheel kick to Husky’s head. The more ya watch this match, the more you have to think Husky asked Kaval point blank “Ya just kick the shit outta me.” And I must say the kicks looked good!

 

            End comes as Husky takes a Warrior’s Way HARD for the win.

 

WINNER: Kaval

 

Kaval is now 3-5

Husky is now 4-4

 

            LayCool is happy as Kaval celebrates. We then cut to a video reminding us Percy was eliminated because wrestling fans have short attention spa- Oh! Look commercials!

 

OFF TOPIC: I hope to God that the plan with the Melina-LayCool feud is to unite the titles. Otherwise, expect to see Layla vs. Kelly for a long time.

 

            We come back to find out that WWE Management thinks Alex’s win-loss record is too impressive. So they give him a Kobayashi Maru in the form of Kofi Kingston.

 

KOFI KINGSTON w/o Jamaican  accent

Vs.

ALEX RILEY w/ High School Education

 

            So one guy is a former multi-time US, IC, and tag team champion; while the other is an NXT Rookie… yeah, who do you think wins?

 

WINNER: Kofi Kingston

 

Alex Riley is now 4-4

 

            Lousy match, at no fault to Riley. Seriously, if the Pro is a current or former champ of some kind, just be happy the Rookie got some offense in.

           

OFF TOPIC: Who the fuck were the guest hosts last night, and why were they allowed to talk so much?!

 

            We come back and we look over the Summerslam weekend, as we watch the many charity works the WWE did. We then get a RAW Rebound of John Cena digging a hole and burying Darren Young… then the Nexus digging him out and beating him up. The whole night was weird, as it was just putting over Nexus… but not really.

 

            We go to the ring, were Striker is in the ring with both Josh and Cole. He asks them who should win and who should lose. They both agree (uncharacteristically) that Kaval should be cut, and Alex Riley should win. I agree Riley should win, but Michael is boring. They then high five each other, which is hysterical to me. Anytime two nerds give each other a high five is awesome. Somewhere Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds just shot up and screamed “NERDS!”

 

OFF TOPIC: The Miz vs. Bryan feud will be epic. If Miz loses the US title at Night of Champions, expect him to cash in that same night.

 

             We’re back and its time to do the next elimination… and they seem to not be doing the whole list anymore and just showing the elimination. So how to give my readers a sense of suspense? Periods perhaps? ....................................................................................Husky Harris.

 

Character Perspective: HUSKY HARRIS

 

BEGINNING: Thought he was boring, and would be the second guy eliminated.

 

NOW: I was wrong. He had a bit of a slow start, and the whole creepy laughing gimmick is still a little weird, but he is a great wrestler and his feud with Kaval was a great thing to watch. He definitely gets the Comeback award, as he outlasted favorite Percy Watson even!

 

FUTURE: We will see him again. He’s meant for the ring, and we’ll see him again sooner rather than later. Nexus does need a new member after all.

 

            This is where it gets weird. Typically this is where the Rookie has a farewell speech and what not… but Husky doesn’t get that. Instead Cody goes nuts, yelling at the Pro’s for voting him off, and even yelling at the crowd. It’s as if he realized “With Husky gone, I may not get as much TV time! FUCK!” and then went nuts! Husky is even yelling t him at one point “Cody! Its my time now!” but Husky’s pleas fall on deaf ears. Though Cody does tell him interestingly that his time “Will be soon…” Cody rips into all the Rookies one by one. Finally, he comes upon Kaval and promptly begins to beat the shit out of him for… whatever the reason. Riley and McGillicutty are both heels here as they just stand there. Finally the other Pro’s come down to fight off Cody and help Kaval. NXT goes off the air with the last thing we see is a Warrior’s Way to the top of Husky’s head while he’s on the outside.

 

So the three finalist are Alex Riley, Kaval, and Michael McGillicutty…. If Henning wins, I riot!

 

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  Nerd’s High Five! Okay seriously, the Kaval vs. Husky was cool.

 

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  Why did Kofi and Zack freakin Ryder need to go over two Finalists?

 

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: Cody Rhodes for being a tool.es for being a tool.

 

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).