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WWE NXT RANT

8/3/10

 

            S’up, guys? Malcolm Not in the Middle here.  Lets just jump right into it this week.

 

            Replay of last week, because WWE just loves replays. Replays Cottonwood going nuts. They show it off, as if it’s going to lead somewhere, despite him being eliminated. Oh well, mustache I guess.

 

            Show opens up in the usual default way: Pro’s on stage, Rookies introduced as they come to the ring, and Striker believing he’s the star of the show.  We find out that we have an elimination next week! We also have a (*groan*) challenge, and Holy Cow is it stupid. I’m talking Season 1 level of pointlessness.  Okay, get this: A kissing contest, in which the Rookies are judged on how well they kiss. Or as I will be calling this: The Batista Challenge.

 

            This is one of those contests in which the viewer has to wonder: How the fuck does this prove these guys are great wrestlers? This is seriously a challenge that a five year old came up with. The winner doesn’t even get immunity! What is the point!?

 

            It’s hosted by LayCool; cause it being hosted by Goldust would have been too interesting. It seems LayCool is the one’s the Rookies will be kissing but oh no’s! They replace themselves with a fat woman named Margarita, who was a homecoming queen. God, she has a herpes scar. Just to get through this, here’s the “highlights”:

 

HUSKY: Dips her over to kiss her.

 

McGILLICUTTY: Doesn’t so much kiss as gives her a Bushwhacker lick.

 

LUCKY: LayCool make the obvious “Getting Lucky” joke. Gives the woman the a little kiss.

 

PERCY: pretty much cries through his

 

KAVAL: his is a little entertaining, as LayCool like him too much to make him do it. They try to save him by giving him a substitute, in which Layla kisses him. Kaval hilariously sells this. However he ends up having to kiss the fat one anyway, which he follows by taking a bottle of tic tac’s.

 

RILEY: Pretty much just goes for it, and sells it like it was amazing.

 

            I cannot believe I recapped a kissing contest. So… Lucky wins, as I know there are a trillion people now making a “Lucky got Lucky!” joke at this moment. LayCool informs all the Rookies that they now all have Coodies. Just kill me now.

 

OFF TOPIC: The Facebook movie looks surprisingly good…. Rental probably.

 

            We then have a match, between two guys who have kind of a nice story building between them!

 

KAVAL

VS.

HUSKY HARRIS

 

            Husky gets an early advantage working a ground and pound. Kaval gets some nice innovative offense in, but Kaval is really starting to use his power really well.

 

            I love seeing Kaval wrestle, as he seems to show off a new way to do the Warrior’s Way every time.

 

            But its to no avail as Husky hits a sick Rock bottom and hits the senton for the duke.

 

Winner: Husky Harris

 

Husky is now 4-2

Kaval is now 1-5 (Yeech!)

 

            Cody is pretty proud right now, and who can blame him?

 

            They then show Miz’s uncensored comments.

 

            We now have a backstage segment with Kofi Kingston and Michael McGillicutty. Henning Jr. still wants a piece of Miz for his comments from 2 weeks ago. Lucky comes out and says he wants to be the one who fights Miz… right, the guy who’s 2-4 vs. Mr. Money in the Bank/US Champ…that’ll be epic. Miz overhears this and says they should wrestle tonight, and he’ll face the winner later maybe. 

 

            Kofi then reveals that he’s a huge idiot by suggesting that Miz face the winner of that match tonight, because God forbid they fight the Pro at a 100%. I then lose all respect for Kofi as he makes a really stupid mickey mouse voice while saying the Miz is scared of the Rookies. Miz flips and accepts the challenge, while Kofi tells him its time that he proves himself… because the US champ and MitB winner has so much to prove.

 

OFF TOPIC:  Tony Stewart must really need money right now.

 

            They show a replay of Miz laying out Lucky Cannon, which I admittingly completely forgot about. In my defense, it was something that involved Lucky Cannon.

 

MICHAEL MCGILLICUTTY

VS.

LUCKY CANNON

 

            Seriously, who the hell do you think wins this match? BTW, Michael’s finisher is called the McGilli-cutter.

 

Winner: Michael McGillicutty

 

McGillicutty is now 6-0

Lucky is now 2-5

 

            Admittingly, this kinda has a really big match feel to it. If there is anyone who can beat the Miz, it’s McGillicutty as he’s had kind of a Goldberg streak since he came in. I’m actually a little excited to see an NXT match… weird, huh?

 

            Up later, is Percy vs. Riley… yay?

 

OFF TOPIC: Morethangaming.com! Go there!

 

            We have a Summerslam rundown of there below par card. Is it me, or are there fewer matches on these cards now?

 

            Striker appears to be annoying and asks the Pro’s which Pro is doing the worst.  Kofi says LayCool as they have an awesome Rookie, but he’s 1-4. Actually a pretty fair point, though Kaval is more entertaining with them.  LayCool are mature and say its Kofi… despite the fact McGillicutty is undefeated. Henry has the audacity to say Ryder cause his was the first to be eliminated…. Despite the fact Lucky really sucks.  Codi says Kofi cause he’s going to take his IC Title away… huh? Ryder is going to say something but Miz interrupts them to say they all suck. Morrison then tries to say something but Miz and him argue like children…. Awesome.

 

OFF TOPIC: I sure could go for a banana split shake right now.

 

ALEX RILEY

VS.

PERCY WATSON

 

            How come no one mentioned MVP as a horrible Pro? The most he’s done is threaten his frickin Rookie.

 

            We have another match with some story behind it, as these two apparently don’t like each other.

 

            Pretty by the numbers match, though these two show off some new moves. We find out that his TKO finisher is called Dismissed as he goes on to pin Percy.

 

Winner: ALEX RILEY

 

Percy Watson is now 2-4

Riley is now 4-2

 

            Wow, you can really tell management has their favorites as far as who they want to win. Poor Percy.

 

            McGillicutty and Kofi come to the ring, as we head to commercials.

 

OFF TOPIC: My Miz Shirt came in. How is it?... AWESOME!

 

THE MIZ

VS.

MICHAEL MCGILLICUTTY

 

            Pretty by the numbers match, but pretty good. Miz looked good in this match to regain his heat from losing to Orton. He more or less dominated Michael, who would suddenly fight back here and there. It reminded me a bit of the match Byan and Jericho had. You knew Bryan wasn’t going to win, but it was still a good showing.

 

            I will say however that McGillicutty looked too weak in my opinion. The guy was an undefeated 6-0 going into this match. God forbid he look a little strong here.

 

            Miz hits the Skullcrashing Finale to end it.

 

Winner: The Miz

 

McGillicutty is now 6-1

 

            Joe gets his first loss, but what a way to lose.  A good match, Its was pretty obvious from the get go that Miz wasn’t losing (especially when the match was announced for tonight instead of next week) but still very good match.

 

            And that’s the show.

 

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  I’ll give it to the main event, which going into it, felt like a big deal.

 

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  Lucky thinks he deserves a shot at Miz… how?

 

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  A Kissing contest? Whats next, the Rookies going to be running lemonade stands?

 

 SEND FEEDBACK TO MALCOLM NOT IN THE MIDDLE.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).