Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum





                Hey guys, welcome to the rant! Unfortunately due to stuff at home expect this rant to be pretty to the point, as I’m strapped for time and am lucky to have the time to do this. OFF TOPIC this week will just be thoughts that come to my mind.


                Coming to you taped from Corpus Christi, Texas…. Anyone have a guess how the show starts? Anyone? If you guessed:


1)      Striker in the ring

2)      Pro’s on stage

3)      Rookies being introduced one by one

4)      Forced to do some idiotic challenge


                Then give yourself a prize! This week’s challenge is another promo challenge except this time they get a minute (way too long) to talk about anything they want as long as they don’t talk about why they should be the next breakout star… which on paper sounds fine, but when played out… Just gonna run down the list.


1)      Lucky Cannon up first, and his subject was friends. Goes on about how in High School his best friend was a guy named Nobody. Unfortunately, this is not a Kingdom Hearts reference. Anyway, he knew Nobody, he was friends with Nobody, when he was hurt, Nobody came to see him. I’d probably like his promo more if I was a Disney Producer or a beatnik in a coffee shop, but this promo stunk.

2)      Eli Cottonwood, who is now sporting a black shirt with mustache written across it. That’s smart, make his gimmick that he’s a moron... that sadly could work. His subject is eyes, as he believes he should win because he can look the Undertaker in the eyes. Way to live up to that moron gimmick.

3)      Husky comes out, and his subject is Husky… as much as I dislike Husky, this was a good promo. I do hope he proves me wrong, as that is always awesome. Just look at the Miz. However, he still has a way to go before I believe the hype.

4)      Kaval comes out, and his subject is dreams. He then proceeds to cut a promo that would make Walt Disney say, “Damn man, that’s sappy!” He goes on about how no one expected him to make it this far, but he did… which would be a fine promo if I hadn’t heard it 12,000,000 times now.

5)      McGillicutty doesn’t so much cut a promo, but just challenges the Miz to a match for calling him mediocre. Miz tells him to piss off, and focus on winning NXT.

6)      Riley’s topic is starbucks, and he easily does the best promo here. If you can see one thing from this week, it should be this promo as he rips into all the other Rookies and tells the people that they know he’s the right one for the job.

7)      Percy’s subject is having a good time… and this is were I start to wander if Percy is running out of material as he’s starting to get stale with me.               


                There was no prize for this contest… this was to get the “WWE Universe” to vote for them…. Because people definitely waited till now to cast their vote.


                We then get the extended Percy Watson package. They like him, he has the charisma down… but he really needs to get serious. I have to agree here. He gets high marks for being funny, but I don’t think he’s that impressive in the ring.


                Up next, we have Percy Watson vs…. commercials!


                OFF TOPIC: You guys ever noticed that when Percy gets pissed off, it looks like he just smelled a fart?






                Now you know Percy is serious this time because he took off the fake glasses before the match.


                Pretty by the numbers match. Zack goes for the Rough Ryder but misses. Percy counters with the Floatover DDT, which set him up for…. That move that looks like he dropkicks an invisble opponent and splashes the actual guy on the way down…. Oh no, that isn’t his finisher is it?




Percy is now 2-3 (Now first Season 2 Rookie to beat a Pro)


                We got to the back, where Eli and Morrison are watching a monitor. They rewatch his performance in the obstacle course, including showing off Morrison laughing his ass off. They cut back to Morrison who cracks up, as Eli screams out “I’m not an acrobat!” I do admit, that’s pretty funny. Morrison says Eli needs to get ready cause he faces McGillicutty who’s undefeated. Eli says he’s got one word for him… mustache. I have to say, I feel like an idiot for finding that funny.


                OFF TOPIC: Team Cena sucks ass.


                We’re back and get a replay of last week’s obstacle course. Spoilers: Nothing new happens. After that we are ready for the match.






                A pretty average match, and McGillicutty hits the Twist-a-Roo to end it.




McGillicutty is now 5-0

Eli Cottonwood is now 2-2


                The “Perfect” Record continues. He’s still the shits when talking.


                In the back, Ashley is in the back… to introduce a Kaval package? Talk about a fall from grace. Once again, the Pro’s are very high on this guy. Cody says it best “In a perfect world, Kaval would be the next breakout star.” He’s got the best wrestling easy… he just needs to talk.


                We cut to the back with Kaval and LayCool, discussing what happened to Kaval’s pink sweater. Husky comes out to diss Kaval, and actually leads to a good back and forth between the two. Wow... was I wrong about Husky? Plus, a story behind a match on NXT? Awesome!


                OFF TOPIC: How come Rookies don’t team up in tag matches that much?






                I really liked this match, which goes to show you how a match can be made better with a story to go with it. Kaval literally kicks Husky every which way from Sunday. Husky gets some really powerful moves in as well. Plus the ending is clever, and makes neither guy look weak! Husky hits the ropes and knocks off LayCool from the apron. Kaval goes to check on him, and gets hit with a reverse suplex. He follows up with his Senton splash and this one is over.




Husky is now 3-2

Kaval is now 1-4


                Striker comes out to be a self important ass, and tells LayCool that he hopes they are okay but its time to vote. And he says tonight, someone’s dream will die!... Little dramatic, dontcha think?


                OFF TOPIC: Team Cena needs more heels. 5 faces to 2 heels? Come on!


                We come back to a RAW Rebound, and going over how Team Cena is comprised of a bunch of egotiscal jag-offs. Your heroes, ladies and gentlemen.


                Summerslam Rundown next… and it has a card that has yet to impress me. BTW, is it me, or does Rey look like a woman in that picture?


                Strikers now with rookies blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…


1)      McGillicutty

2)      Kaval

3)      Alex Riley

4)      Percy Watson

5)      Lucky Cannon

6)      Husky Harris

7)      Eli Cottonwood


                So the tall boring one was cut? Shocker.


Character Retrospective: Eli Cottonwood


BEGINNING: Thought he looked like a thin Fetus. Except Fetus has more charisma.


NOW: Went from being an insane maniac to insane dumbass.


FUTURE: Truthfully, I could see him get brought in as Santino’s new buddy. Otherwise… he needs to go back to the drawing board.


                Striker goes to ask him how he feels about being eliminated… to which he starts beating the shit out of the other Rookies. BEST ELI PROMO EVER! The Rookies then fight him off as Eli heads to the back, shoving Morrison on the way out.


                Husky is asked about how it feels to be almost eliminated, and I have no idea what he was trying to say in response. McGillicutty is stoked about being whatever and zero. Riley says he only has two people to beat, and he knows he’s better than both of them.


                McGillicutty takes exception, which leads to a brawl, and Eli runs out to fight some more! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold!


BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  Kaval vs. Husky was awesome! Riley’s promo was excellent as well.


AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  The hell was the point of that challenge?


WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  Husky is actually good?              



Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).