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NXT Rant 3/2

BY ALEX BLINKOFF

 

Welcome, one and all, to WWE NXT rant, your one-stop shop for all things related to the only fake reality C-show ever created. Let’s get down to it, no more shenanigans.

           

We begin with a recap of last week. Striker then comes out and explains the rules of this “competition.” Pros vote for or against any rookie besides their own. We don’t get to know what the votes mean, however. This is going well. Our first match is a rematch from last weeks squash.

 

David “A-list” Otunga with R-Truth vs. Darren “South Beach Party Boy” Young with the Straightedge Society

           

 Young looks nervous. Makes sense, he did get squashed last week. Hooray for continuity! They go back and forth with the usual fair for a few minutes before Young hits a neckbreaker. He then puts Otunga in the camel clutch. The crowd is now booing Darren. Wait, what? That’s hilarious. They’re booing Otunga simply because of his relation with CM Punk. Darren throws Otunga out of the ring and does heelish heel things, like not getting Otunga into the ring.

           

 We go to break, and when we get back, Young continues to not get destroyed, hitting a vertical suplex and a few other simple moves. Otunga gets a rollup for two, then hits a few clotheslines and such of his own. Young tries a neckbreaker, but Otunga reverses and throws him out of the ring. While on the outside, Festus uses the power of his beanie and ridiculous apparel to distract Otunga, but R-Truth counters with a stare down of his own. Otunga and Darren get back in the ring, but the ref is more interested in the stare down going on outside the ring. This allows CM Punk (and it is worth mentioning he has improved his appearance as a homeless person by wearing a hoodie) to attempt to trip Otunga. This fails, but it does distract Otunga long enough for Young to hit his finisher, a full nelson slam.

 

Winner: Darren Matthews

 

After the match, Otunga shoves R-Truth for some reason.

 

Further Notes: The match was fine, but it contained a double turn. How often does that happen, exactly?

           

We get a package of Daniel Bryan, and his experience in NEVER HEARD OF IT WHO THE HELL IS HE. He says he wants to main event Wrestlemania. Good luck with that, Danny. Brian is then shown getting medical attention (just now?) for the brutal spill he took last week. The Miz walks in, insults him a few times, then gives him a match with Wade Barrett. 

           

We go to commercials, and when we get back, Striker is interviewing David Otunga. David gets about three words out before Truth gets in his face and lays down some ebonics. This quickly descends into a childish roll-around I refuse to call a fight, separated by a legion of referees.

           

 Chris Jericho comes out to provide commentary and catchphrases for the...

 

Wade Barrett vs. Daniel Brian

match, which begins with a Wade Barrett video package. I think I saw him in a dark match once. Anyways, he goes on about his past as a bareknuckle fighter, and how he quit to get more money. In other words, a cheap distillation of William Regal mixed with Ted DiBiase Sr.

 

 Brian, who is about 100 pounds smaller than Barrett, is all bandaged up over his ribs. This is Barrett’s focal point, as he hits the ribs repeatedly. Brian turns the tables and throws him out of the ring. He then hits the knees to the shoulders (think Evan Bourne) and throws him into the ring. Brian then attempts to springboard, but the damage to his ribs is so great it is now affecting his legs, because he trips and falls. Be this botch or planned, I couldn't say. Regardless, Barrett hits his finisher, A fireman's carry into a belly flop (?) for the win.

 

Winner: Wade Barrett

           

After the match, Jericho briefly put Brian in the Walls for no reason.

           

Further Notes: Huh, so much for Brian being the focus of the show. Barrett can probably springboard from being the rookie of the MOTHERFUCKING WORLD CHAMPION into something beyond an oversized cockney pickpocket.

           

We get a Shawn vs. Taker package. Am I the only one who thinks this was excellently done? We then get Heath Slater gabbing his Down Syndrome face away to Christian who is… lifting weights? I didn’t even know Christian knew what a weight was. Christian tells Slater that all the cheers for them last week were Christian’s cheers, not Slater’s. He says Slater is overconfident, but has potential. That was pointless.

           

We get our first look at FCW Champion and South African racist Justin Gabriel and his pro “Fat” Matt Hardy. Gabriel seems to not know English very well for some reason, so Matt fills in the blanks by calling him a high-flyer.

 

We get Regal and Sheffield out next. Oh, I get it! They’re exact opposites! That’s so clever! We get a Sheffield package next. His nickname is the “Cornfed Meathead.” That…is the worst nickname I ever heard. I’d tell you what he said, but he’s a goddamn cowboy. This gimmick is always the same.

 

Matt comes out with Justin Gabriel WHAT THE HELL IS HE WEARING. There are no pictures, but it’s all white, with a little flap over his crotch. When they compared him to the gay kid from American Idol, they weren’t kidding.

 

Team “Fat Guy and Gay Guy” vs. Team “The Odd Couple”

           

We start with the rookies, doing precisely what you expect. Sheffield hits power moves, Gabriel flies and uses submissions. He makes the tag to Hardy, who works the arm. Sheffield kicks out at 1.

 

We take a break, and when we get back, Skip tags Regal, who hits an underhook suplex on Gabriel. He follows up with some more stiff looking shots, but begins lecturing Skip. This gives Gabriel the chance to make the tag, but Regal knees Fatt Hardy in the face before he can even get in the ring. Regal tags in Skip, who does the Flair walk before hitting a splash. They tag in and out, beating the daylights out of Hardy. Hardy hits the neckbreaker on Skip and begins crawling to his corner, only to be thwarted by a freshly-tagged Regal. When Regal takes a moment to lecture Skip some more, Hardy hits the Twist Of Fate on William. He then tags Gabriel, who hits  a 450 splash (no, really) for the win.

 

Winners: Matt Hardy and Justin Gabriel

 

Further Notes: So, the 450 is okay, but the Tombstone isn’t? What’s next, Vince, allowing the swan-dive headbutt but banning the hip toss? The match was, like the others, not bad, but nothing to write home about.

 

To end the show, we have Striker standing with the other 6 rookies. Daniel Brian is clutching his ribs in agony. Suddenly, Carlito shows up to spit apple in Heath Slater's face. That was indeed cool.

           

Show MVP: Justin Gabriel, if for being more impressive than the two hosses that debuted and for his sick 450 splash.

           

Show LVP: Wade Barrett. His match with Daniel Brian was the worst on the show, and I’m sure it isn’t Brian’s fault. Also, his gimmick bugs me.

           

Overall, I’m giving it a thumb in the middle. It wasn’t a bad show, just not particularly memorable.

           

I’ll probably regret this, but I love feedback. Send me emails here: alexoblivion94@gmail.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).