NXT RANT
7/20/10
Hey guys, and welcome to the Rant. So I saw Money
in the Bank… got to say, it was a pretty solid PPV, and
I have to say it was worth the money. Main focus of the
show, of course, being the Money in the Bank matches
themselves.
When Kane won (spoilers), and I have to admit, I
was ticked at first. Went into the whole “Way to push
that new guy Kane… oh wait” mode. However, I had to
think back on the life of Kane. The guy has been through
a lot of shit, and that’s putting it lightly. Katie Vick
is just the tip of the iceberg. Throughout all of it, he
continued on, and remained one of the company’s most
loyal wrestlers. So ya know what? Good for Kane. I’m
fairly certain that the reign will be booked horribly,
but if ever a man deserves a title reign, it’s him.
Finally, The Miz. I have to admit; I marked out
seeing Miz get the briefcase. Miz is one of the few
reasons that I enjoy wrestling anymore, and to see that
a Miz WWE title reign (that will probably be horribly
booked as well) is on the horizon makes me very happy. I
do have to wonder, after seeing Miz’s interaction with
Sheamus last night, if a Miz face turn is coming. Time
will tell, but a very good PPV… that honestly was
defined by two matches but still.
This week’s Off Topic theme will be my attempt at
some new Fan Laws that I’d like to see added. To see the
old Fan Laws article (a favorite of mine here at TWF)
just click here.
The show… no. Ugh, the show starts
with Matt Striker showing off the Obstacle Course, which
will be the challenge for this “Before Elimination”
show. To be fair, they’ve made it less ridiculous by a
lot, and once again the challenge serves a purpose as
the winner gets immunity. They have Striker run through
it to demonstrate. Here’s the jist:
1)
Run down the ramp through tires
2)
Jump the
hurdles along the ring
3)
Do 10x
pushups INSIDE the yellow box.
4)
Run across
the balance beam
5)
Push the
cart back up the ramp across the finish line.
After the opening, we go to the VIP Lounge with
MVP. I’m not thrilled, but anything is better than
Striker welcoming us to NXT for the 12th
millionth time. MVP says he’s out there to confront
Percy Watson over last week. Wow, I wish people bought
$5000 worth of furniture every time they were pissed off
at me. Percy Watson comes out, just happy to be there.
MVP gets in Percy’s face about how wrong it is to jump
him like that, how that shows no respect, and oh my god!
They attacked the Rookies on the very first episode!
And he’s really shocked this all took place?
WWE proceeds to throw Percy under the bus here,
who apologizes profusely to MVP and just wants to make
things right again. You know, he comes off as a wuss
basically. MVP forgives him, and Percy gets boo’ed.
Fantastic.
Matt Striker interrupts them with his theme
music, which I haven’t heard on TV in years. Asks Percy
and MVP why Percy should be number one next week… and
they respond with a bunch of Generic Face BS. Cody and
Husky come out next, and Striker asks them the same
question. Their responses as I remember it are:
Cody: Blah blah
blah, I’m good looking. Blah blah blah, Husky is fat.
Blah blah blah lame ass catchphrase.
Husky: Blah blah
blah I fuckin suck.
WWE then decides it’s not enough that we have
listen to them try to talk, but watch them wrestle after
some commercials.
OFF TOPIC: If you
are a midcard face, John Cena is your new best friend.
If he is attacked, you will run down to save him, doing
everything including take a bullet for him. Even if you
have absolutely no beef with the attacker.
Cena, on
the other hand, is under no obligation to save you when
you are attacked. (IE- Mark Henry, Evan Bourne, and John
Morrison)
Before the
match, we are treated to a Lucky Cannon extended
package. Miz sums it up best when he says, “He’s got a
good look and he’s athletic… but who isn’t?” Sad fact of
the matter is he’s very forgettable and uber generic. Oh
well, not like I had money on him.
MVP & PERCY WATSON
VS.
DASHING CODY RHODES & HUSKY HARRIS
An extremely by the numbers match here. Rookies
are in peril, Pro’s look dominant. They keep going like
this until Percy and Husky go at it on the outside, and
we go to a commercial.
OFF TOPIC: Your
first World or WWE title reign will actually make you
look like shit. Expect to just get your butt kicked a
lot, and to lose. If you win, it’s probably via DQ. In
truth, your 3-4 reign is the one to get excited about.
We’re back, more back and forth action. I agree
with Cole, that Percy came off as a wuss on the VIP
lounge, and thus die a little inside. End comes as MVP
gets a hot tag… however, Cody is the legal guy thus
negating the “Pro over Rookie” rule. Since Cody is
getting a bigger push, he outclasses MVP with a low
budget flying Chuck. Tags in Husky who hits the Senton…
for three?!
WINNERS: Husky and
Cody
Husky is
now 2-2
Percy is
1-3
Husky is the first Rookie to beat a Pro? Are you
serious? Honestly, I don’t get this guy. Rumor has it
that management is quite high on the guy… Can’t say I
have any freakin clue as to why. Seriously, he looks
awkward out there and the constant laughing he does is
not winning me over. In his defense, it’s kinda hard for
me to get behind the guy because they keep advertising
him as fat and ugly. However, I seem to be the minority,
as everyone seems to like this guy even other wrestling
sites and podcasts. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
We got to a Michael McGillicutty package. Gotta
say, I’ve been disappointed with this guy since they
revealed his name. Miz sums it up nicely once again:
“Daddy was good, you’re mediocre.”
Up next, we have an epic battle between Talent
and Just happy to be here, as Alex Riley will take on
Lucky Cannon… after this.
OFF TOPIC: Choking someone
with an object (like a tie) is an act of violence, and
will not be tolerated in the WWE. However, vehicular
homicide, electrocution, car bombs, breaking and
entering, and threatening their wife are perfectly fine.
They reveal that Mark Henry will miss this match
because he’s a dumbass. They replay him taking Barrett’s
finisher, and him grabbing the rope and making Wade go
off balance. Have to say, that Wade is strong.
Striker is there to ask them why the fans should
vote for him. Riley goes first, saying this contest is
to decide who is going to run the WWE. Huh? Basically
tells the fans to stop making this a popularity contest
and pick him because he’s the right guy for the job. You
know, the truth. Miz pretty much backs this up.
Lucky doesn’t really ask the fans to vote for
him, as he just goes on about how he’s just happy to be
here… I’d crack a joke here, but being in a coma sucks…
so I can understand why he’s so sappy here. He’s still
going to lose.
ALEX RILEY w/ The Miz
VS.
LUCKY CANNON w/knowledge that his mommy
loves him
Thank God Lucky is a face, cause he’s got nothing
else going for him. Riley barely breaks a sweat
outclassing this guy. Hits the Marvelous Marc Mero TKO
to end this.
WINNER: Alex
Riley
Riley is
now 3-2
Lucky is
2-4
You know what’s the crime here? There’s a higher
chance of Riley getting eliminated than Lucky. That there is
some bullshit.
Riley and Miz celebrate, with Miz teasing attack
Lucky with his briefcase. He leaves the rings… asks
Riley to hold his belt at runs in to rib shot Lucky with
the briefcase. He ends with a Skull Crashing Finale on
the briefcase that leaves an impressive dent in it.
OFF TOPIC: Despite
the fact that wrestling has been known to be fake for
like 30 years now, WWE still expects you to believe the
Undertaker has supernatural powers.
Raw Rebound, focusing in on John Cena and Nexus…
again. The reveal for Cena’s team was great… till two
members. One, the hell is Khali doing there? He’s pretty
much a joke character, and Nexus hasn’t even attacked
him! Would it have killed them to put Evan Bourne in
there?
And Bret Hart… really? So Cena is trying to
defeat the evil organization bent on taking over the
WWE… and he goes to the 60-year-old stroke victim,
really? That makes sense in the Cenation? I mean cripes,
the guy can barely move! But whatever, I dunno why I
keep expecting WWE to make sense.
I forget if there was a commercial here or not,
so just to be on the safe side…
OFF TOPIC: It
doesn’t matter if you’re about to enter the ring with
that jerk that cheated you out of your title and nearly
ended your career; if you’re a face, you will still
smile and be the goofy idiot that your character is for
your entrance.
Striker on the ramp for some final “Why should we
vote for you” promos. First up are Miz and Eli. John
believes Eli should be kept because he freaks out little
kids, which is as logical as this show gets. Eli
intimidates Striker into saying he’ll vote for him… only
a few million more people to go there, Eli. Despite
this, Striker still pulls the mic away to end his
interview.
LayCool and Kaval up next. LayCool’s reasons for
voting for him would be great if I was homosexual, as
they go on about how cute and cuddly he is. Kaval says vote
for him so he can wrestle other superstars and have
great matches. Sounds good to me.
COMMERCIALS!
OFF TOPIC: Winning
NXT not only gets you a WWE Contract, but some balls
apparently as well.
Back for the stupid course, but lastly, here’s
Michael McGillicutty and Kofi. Kofi is generic, and
McGillicutty brings up he has the perfect record; which
gets my inner mark to fidget in its sleep. He also has
his fathers patent wide eyes during promos.
So the obstacle course….Just to sum it up:
1)
McGillicutty: 26.7
2)
Riley: F’s up on the
balance beam and has to redo it. He was looking good up
until then, and gets a 40.3. He argues with the ref,
which is good heel stuff.
3)
Eli: Is
DQ’ed for not doing his pushups in the yellow square…
I’m serious.
4)
Lucky: 27.7
5)
Kaval: 29.1
6)
Percy: 31.5
7)
Husky: His was weird,
as walked across it and football tackled the hurdles.
Gets a 50.2
So McGillicutty gets immunity and has nothing to
fear next week. Striker happily tells us someone’s dream
is over next week, as we fade to black.
This week’s show was actually okay. Aside from
Percy becoming a tool, the show was decent, and they
have become a lot better with these challenges. Not bad.
BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY
AWARD”: Actual
improvement with the challenges, and them making the
obstacle course not ludicrous.
AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE
AWARD”: Percy turns to a
sissy.
WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: Someone needs to tell Husky the “Michael Tarver approach” ain’t winning him this contest.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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