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            Hey guys, and welcome to the Rant.  So I saw Money in the Bank… got to say, it was a pretty solid PPV, and I have to say it was worth the money. Main focus of the show, of course, being the Money in the Bank matches themselves.


            When Kane won (spoilers), and I have to admit, I was ticked at first. Went into the whole “Way to push that new guy Kane… oh wait” mode. However, I had to think back on the life of Kane. The guy has been through a lot of shit, and that’s putting it lightly. Katie Vick is just the tip of the iceberg. Throughout all of it, he continued on, and remained one of the company’s most loyal wrestlers. So ya know what? Good for Kane. I’m fairly certain that the reign will be booked horribly, but if ever a man deserves a title reign, it’s him. 


            Finally, The Miz. I have to admit; I marked out seeing Miz get the briefcase. Miz is one of the few reasons that I enjoy wrestling anymore, and to see that a Miz WWE title reign (that will probably be horribly booked as well) is on the horizon makes me very happy. I do have to wonder, after seeing Miz’s interaction with Sheamus last night, if a Miz face turn is coming. Time will tell, but a very good PPV… that honestly was defined by two matches but still.


            This week’s Off Topic theme will be my attempt at some new Fan Laws that I’d like to see added. To see the old Fan Laws article (a favorite of mine here at TWF) just click here.


            The show… no. Ugh, the show starts with Matt Striker showing off the Obstacle Course, which will be the challenge for this “Before Elimination” show. To be fair, they’ve made it less ridiculous by a lot, and once again the challenge serves a purpose as the winner gets immunity. They have Striker run through it to demonstrate. Here’s the jist:


1)      Run down the ramp through tires

2)      Jump the hurdles along the ring

3)      Do 10x pushups INSIDE the yellow box.

4)      Run across the balance beam

5)      Push the cart back up the ramp across the finish line.


            After the opening, we go to the VIP Lounge with MVP. I’m not thrilled, but anything is better than Striker welcoming us to NXT for the 12th millionth time. MVP says he’s out there to confront Percy Watson over last week. Wow, I wish people bought $5000 worth of furniture every time they were pissed off at me. Percy Watson comes out, just happy to be there. MVP gets in Percy’s face about how wrong it is to jump him like that, how that shows no respect, and oh my god! They attacked the Rookies on the very first episode!  And he’s really shocked this all took place?


            WWE proceeds to throw Percy under the bus here, who apologizes profusely to MVP and just wants to make things right again. You know, he comes off as a wuss basically. MVP forgives him, and Percy gets boo’ed. Fantastic.


            Matt Striker interrupts them with his theme music, which I haven’t heard on TV in years. Asks Percy and MVP why Percy should be number one next week… and they respond with a bunch of Generic Face BS. Cody and Husky come out next, and Striker asks them the same question. Their responses as I remember it are:


Cody: Blah blah blah, I’m good looking. Blah blah blah, Husky is fat. Blah blah blah lame ass catchphrase.


Husky: Blah blah blah I fuckin suck.


            WWE then decides it’s not enough that we have listen to them try to talk, but watch them wrestle after some commercials.


OFF TOPIC: If you are a midcard face, John Cena is your new best friend. If he is attacked, you will run down to save him, doing everything including take a bullet for him. Even if you have absolutely no beef with the attacker.


Cena, on the other hand, is under no obligation to save you when you are attacked. (IE- Mark Henry, Evan Bourne, and John Morrison)


            Before the match, we are treated to a Lucky Cannon extended package. Miz sums it up best when he says, “He’s got a good look and he’s athletic… but who isn’t?” Sad fact of the matter is he’s very forgettable and uber generic. Oh well, not like I had money on him.






            An extremely by the numbers match here. Rookies are in peril, Pro’s look dominant. They keep going like this until Percy and Husky go at it on the outside, and we go to a commercial.


OFF TOPIC: Your first World or WWE title reign will actually make you look like shit. Expect to just get your butt kicked a lot, and to lose. If you win, it’s probably via DQ. In truth, your 3-4 reign is the one to get excited about.


            We’re back, more back and forth action. I agree with Cole, that Percy came off as a wuss on the VIP lounge, and thus die a little inside. End comes as MVP gets a hot tag… however, Cody is the legal guy thus negating the “Pro over Rookie” rule. Since Cody is getting a bigger push, he outclasses MVP with a low budget flying Chuck. Tags in Husky who hits the Senton… for three?!


WINNERS: Husky and Cody


Husky is now 2-2

Percy is 1-3


            Husky is the first Rookie to beat a Pro? Are you serious? Honestly, I don’t get this guy. Rumor has it that management is quite high on the guy… Can’t say I have any freakin clue as to why. Seriously, he looks awkward out there and the constant laughing he does is not winning me over. In his defense, it’s kinda hard for me to get behind the guy because they keep advertising him as fat and ugly. However, I seem to be the minority, as everyone seems to like this guy even other wrestling sites and podcasts. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!


            We got to a Michael McGillicutty package. Gotta say, I’ve been disappointed with this guy since they revealed his name. Miz sums it up nicely once again: “Daddy was good, you’re mediocre.”


            Up next, we have an epic battle between Talent and Just happy to be here, as Alex Riley will take on Lucky Cannon… after this.


OFF TOPIC:  Choking someone with an object (like a tie) is an act of violence, and will not be tolerated in the WWE. However, vehicular homicide, electrocution, car bombs, breaking and entering, and threatening their wife are perfectly fine.


            They reveal that Mark Henry will miss this match because he’s a dumbass. They replay him taking Barrett’s finisher, and him grabbing the rope and making Wade go off balance. Have to say, that Wade is strong.


            Striker is there to ask them why the fans should vote for him. Riley goes first, saying this contest is to decide who is going to run the WWE. Huh? Basically tells the fans to stop making this a popularity contest and pick him because he’s the right guy for the job. You know, the truth. Miz pretty much backs this up.


            Lucky doesn’t really ask the fans to vote for him, as he just goes on about how he’s just happy to be here… I’d crack a joke here, but being in a coma sucks… so I can understand why he’s so sappy here. He’s still going to lose.




LUCKY CANNON w/knowledge that his mommy loves him


            Thank God Lucky is a face, cause he’s got nothing else going for him. Riley barely breaks a sweat outclassing this guy. Hits the Marvelous Marc Mero TKO to end this.


WINNER: Alex Riley


Riley is now 3-2

Lucky is 2-4


            You know what’s the crime here? There’s a higher chance of Riley getting eliminated than Lucky.  That there is some bullshit.


            Riley and Miz celebrate, with Miz teasing attack Lucky with his briefcase. He leaves the rings… asks Riley to hold his belt at runs in to rib shot Lucky with the briefcase. He ends with a Skull Crashing Finale on the briefcase that leaves an impressive dent in it.


OFF TOPIC: Despite the fact that wrestling has been known to be fake for like 30 years now, WWE still expects you to believe the Undertaker has supernatural powers.


            Raw Rebound, focusing in on John Cena and Nexus… again. The reveal for Cena’s team was great… till two members. One, the hell is Khali doing there? He’s pretty much a joke character, and Nexus hasn’t even attacked him! Would it have killed them to put Evan Bourne in there?


            And Bret Hart… really? So Cena is trying to defeat the evil organization bent on taking over the WWE… and he goes to the 60-year-old stroke victim, really? That makes sense in the Cenation? I mean cripes, the guy can barely move! But whatever, I dunno why I keep expecting WWE to make sense.


            I forget if there was a commercial here or not, so just to be on the safe side…


OFF TOPIC: It doesn’t matter if you’re about to enter the ring with that jerk that cheated you out of your title and nearly ended your career; if you’re a face, you will still smile and be the goofy idiot that your character is for your entrance.


            Striker on the ramp for some final “Why should we vote for you” promos. First up are Miz and Eli. John believes Eli should be kept because he freaks out little kids, which is as logical as this show gets. Eli intimidates Striker into saying he’ll vote for him… only a few million more people to go there, Eli. Despite this, Striker still pulls the mic away to end his interview.


            LayCool and Kaval up next. LayCool’s reasons for voting for him would be great if I was homosexual, as they go on about how cute and cuddly he is.  Kaval says vote for him so he can wrestle other superstars and have great matches. Sounds good to me.




OFF TOPIC: Winning NXT not only gets you a WWE Contract, but some balls apparently as well.


            Back for the stupid course, but lastly, here’s Michael McGillicutty and Kofi. Kofi is generic, and McGillicutty brings up he has the perfect record; which gets my inner mark to fidget in its sleep. He also has his fathers patent wide eyes during promos.


            So the obstacle course….Just to sum it up:


1)      McGillicutty: 26.7

2)      Riley:  F’s up on the balance beam and has to redo it. He was looking good up until then, and gets a 40.3. He argues with the ref, which is good heel stuff.

3)      Eli: Is DQ’ed for not doing his pushups in the yellow square… I’m serious.

4)      Lucky: 27.7

5)      Kaval: 29.1

6)      Percy: 31.5

7)      Husky:  His was weird, as walked across it and football tackled the hurdles. Gets a 50.2


            So McGillicutty gets immunity and has nothing to fear next week. Striker happily tells us someone’s dream is over next week, as we fade to black.


            This week’s show was actually okay. Aside from Percy becoming a tool, the show was decent, and they have become a lot better with these challenges. Not bad.


BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  Actual improvement with the challenges, and them making the obstacle course not ludicrous.


AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  Percy turns to a sissy.


WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  Someone needs to tell Husky the “Michael Tarver approach” ain’t winning him this contest.




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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).