WWE NXT RANT
7/13/10
I hate John Cena.
I know, welcome to the club, right? Look, I
understand he serves a purpose. He’s the top draw, and
on shirts alone he makes the company a lot of money. In
terms of being a role model, he’s fine. You’re
definitely not going to see a story about Cena being
found dead in a motel room face down in cocaine.
Finally, I’m sure John Cena the human being is a pretty
decent guy.
However, John Cena the wrestling persona has to
go… or at least how he’s booked. What the hell happened
last Monday night?! First of all, is Sheamus injured? He
hasn’t wrestled in like a month, only appearing in
backstage segments. You then have John Cena rip into him
how he’s won he title due to BS, call him a fake
champion, and even said his match on the PPV will be
easy compared to his match on RAW… way to hype the match
there, John.
Plus I know Cena is supposed to be Superman, but
the end of the main event ticked me off. He takes 3
finishers, is hurt enough to be pinned… but suddenly
drinking the X Potion, completely healing, fighting off
the Nexus like nothing happened… really?
In truth though, I think I know what happened.
Writers wanted the Nexus to still look strong, but they
didn’t want to make Cena look weak going into the PPV…
but really? Just no sell the entire match? That’s the
best you could come up with?
Cena will be the subject of this week’s
Commercials Thoughts (which I will now call Off Topic,
just to make it my own) as I tell ya my least favorite
John Cena moments. And they are many, as it was all
downhill after he stopped rapping.
We are live from
And then…. They happily introduce Nexus? Okay,
for those following at home, Nexus are the evil
organization bent on taking over the WWE. Among their
victims was Matt Striker, who was laid out in the
initial attack. Matt Striker, along with the rest of the
WWE Pros, attacked the season 2 Rookies out of fear that
they would repeat the attack, and feeling the need for
revenge…. These people are now not only welcoming Nexus
on NXT… but giving them chairs so they relax on the
rampway next to the Pros? WTF?!
Barrett spouts that its great to be back on NXT,
and insists that they are just here to enjoy the show,
he says while tying a woman to some railroad tracks and
twirling his moustache.
I’m still scratching my head over this
development, when we’re thrown into a tag match!
The Miz & Alex Riley
VS.
Mark Henry & Lucky Cannon
Story of this match is Miz wants no part of
Henry. Mark starts off with Riley, while Miz stays on
the outside. Riley gets killed throughout this part, as
Henry expresses his rage… Crap, this is leading to a
Miz/Henry feud, isn’t it? Hats off to Miz for going out
of his way to try and make Mark Henry look like he’s
scary and not been jobbing for 10 years.
Lucky is tagged in, and Riley easily reverses a
move to make him the face in peril. I tell ya it’s a
crime that Lucky ain’t going to be cut next.
OFF TOPIC: The Debut…
Everyone
remembers this one. Kurt Angle is calling out anyone to
come to the ring, and out comes some musclebound loser
in red and black tights. Angle asks him what does he
have that could possibly make he think he can beat him.
Cena responds “RUTHLESS AGGRESSION!” When I first saw
him I thought he was a generic doofus who’d be fired in
a year… yeah, I was a little off with that one.
Back and Lucky plays the face in peril for a
large portion of the match. I start to doubt
Miz’s chances a bit as Cole goes off on how he’s the
odds on favorite at MitB. Anyway, this match is pretty
by the numbers from here. Have to say I love the fact
that Rookies are the one’s in peril, and the Pro’s are
the ones who actually look impressive. Way to push those
young kids! (sarcasm)
End comes when Henry comes in and beats up Miz
with some power moves. Miz rushes off and tags in Riley,
leaving him for dead. Henry responds
by casually picking up Alex Riley, and WSS him for the
pin.
WINNERS:
Henry and Lucky
Lucky is
now 2-3
Alex Riley
is now 2-2
Almost symbolically, Mark Henry covers the fallen
Alex Riley in garbage… which is kinda how I think the
writers see the Rookies. We then cut from Riley covered
in garbage to an Alex Riley extended promo package. Its
otherwise positive, though the one critique that sticks
out in my opinion is given by Cody Rhodes, who says Alex
acts like he’s playing a character…. Which really is the
most bizarre thing a wrestler could say about another
wrestler. Next he’ll complain about him not actually
hitting the other wrestlers in matches. Second; really
Cody? Alex is the one playing the character? You’re
playing a Pretty Boy, like Lex Luger, Buff Bagwell,
early Shawn Michaels, Paul Orndorff, and Rick Martel did
before you! That’s a freakin character!
OFF TOPIC: The never-ending
title reign…
So he wins
the title at Wrestlemania 21, and most people expect him
to keep it maybe 3 months… well, three months damn
neared turned to a year! Even worse, he’d lose it and
win it back in a month. This is the point people turned
on Cena, as I believe they were just sick of having him
shoved down our throats… something that continues to
this day.
We come
back, and go over another Money in the Bank moment from
Jack Swagger winning, which leads into a rundown of
MitB’s “card”. Christ, I hope this “book on the day of
the PPV” crud ends before Summerslam.
This goes into another video this time of Raw
last night. You already read my piece on that, plus
Burge’s piece is good too.
Finally, news of something cool for the show as
Percy Watson’s show is coming up after this commercial
break.
OFF TOPIC: Overcoming the odds…
The Tales
of Supercena are many. My personal “favorite” would be
the “I Quit” match he had with Orton. Orton did
everything short of taking out a gun and shooting Cena…
yet he still overcame the odds. Thankfully, WWE has
eased up on this a little. Probably due to the fact that
no one in their right minds would throw down PPV money
to see a guy who never loses.
We’re back and Percy is already in the ring to
set us up. He has couches and carpeting in the ring, so
basically the usual setup in these shows. He gets the
crowd pumped with a few “Oh Yeah!” and introduces his
guest… MVP? Huh, I suppose it makes sense but what the
heck are they going to talk about? He has no match at
the PPV, and he’s not even in a feud.
They greet each other and sit down, and Percy
immediately asks MVP for 20 dollars… I actually thought
that was pretty funny. Percy invited MVP to thank him
for his guidance during this time, and MVP thanks Percy
for being a good student. Percy then says one of the
things he taught him was the importance of making an
impact…. And to not take what he’s going to do personal.
Its here that all the Rookies come out and surround MVP.
Montel then calls for backup, and the Pros come to join
him.
Now at this point, you’re excited right? Maybe
the Nexus jump the other Pro’s, the Rookies join Nexus,
and become an army? Maybe the Rookies beat their Pro’s
in a big match, and finally earn some respect? Well
forget about all that, as the WWE is quick to kill the
mood, as well as any real possibilities of this being
cool with their top agent: Matt Striker.
Striker suddenly comes out laughing and says “Uh
oh! Looks like the Rookies want to test out the Pros!”
Okay Striker, you just killed the mood. Seriously, not
everything that happens is funny! He goes on about how
the best way to solve this is with a battler royal…
what?! How
is that the best way to solve it? It’s clearly a Pro vs.
Rookie issue, not an everyone wanting to beat up
everyone else issue. The Nexus then get a mic and say
they want in… okaaay. Despite the fact
that the Nexus is “an evil organztion bent on taking
over the WWE”, Striker and company has no problem with
it. Long story short, we have a 20 man Battle Royal…
instead of something cool.
OFF TOPIC: Almost killing the
Miz…
If you had
told me after the end of Miz and Morrison, that The Miz
would become the more successful of the two, I’d have
laughed. If you’d told me that he’d also be probably the
most over heel since Edge, I’d have said you were crazy…
Well, damn if he didn’t do just that.
Following
the split, Miz went on to do some of the best anti-Cena
promos ever, claiming to be 6-0 against Cena due to him
never answering his challenges. The people ate this up,
as star was being born before our eyes. Cena finally
answered Miz’s challenges, and a match was made for the
Great American Bash. It was a great build up, and I even
bought the bloody ppv to see it.
Now, I
never expect Miz to win, but at least make a good
showing. I NEVER expected Cena would just kill him in 2
minutes and make him look like garbage! Thankfully Miz
is talented enough to dig himself out of the hole Cena
made for him, but notice he’s stayed far away from Cena
since then.
BATTLE FRICKIN’ ROYAL
w/ PROS, ROOKIES, and NEXUS
This is garbage, but whatever. Nexus immediately
leave the ring and stand together outside the ring,
while everyone fights on the outside. Everytime someone
is thrown out, they run over and kick the crap out of
them. Sorta like the same horror movie tactics they used
with the legends.
This goes on for a few eliminations before the
Pros join forces to attack the Nexus, and we have a
stand off while the Rookies… just stand there?
OFF TOPIC: Five moves of Doom…
He knows 5
moves.
Every match
he has consists of him getting his butt kicked for 90%
of the match, then hitting his 3 of said moves, his
opponent fights back as he’s been only hit with three
moves. He then suddenly hits either the FU or STFU (or
both) to finish it. EVERY. FRICKIN. TIME… such a stupid
character.
Back to the Battle Royale, and the Nexus are
actually in the ring fighting but being smart and
staying close together. The Rookies and Pros on the
other hand don’t see the need to team up to take out the
EVIL ORGANIZATION THAT WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WWE.
The Rookies are all eliminated first, so much for
pushing the new guys… again. One thing to note, it
appears that Alex Riley’s head was re-opened as he had a
gusher upon leaving the ring. It’s six on five at this
point: All of Nexus against Kofi, Cody, Morrison, Miz,
and Zack Ryder. The Pros finally realize they should
join up against the EVIL ORG- ah forget it. So the line
is set, and Zack is the first man to get up in the Nexus
face… and then Miz throws him out.
Miz then tries to work out a deal with the Nexus,
hoping they forget the fact that he treats all Rookies
like garbage. The Nexus then proceed to do what they do
best… intense awkward stares that last way too long.
After like 5 minutes, they go after Miz, who just over
the top rope himself to eliminate/save himself.
This leaves Cody, Morrison, and Kofi to fight. By
fight, I mean that’s what the faces do, while Cody
“dashes” away whenever they get near him. Seriously,
he’s in full flight mode here. Kofi and Morrison do a
valiant effort, but get eliminated. Then they turn to
Cody, who makes a very good “Oh shit, I didn’t think
this through enough” face. To which the Nexus stares at
him for another 5 minutes before jumping him, and
throwing him out.
WINNERS:
NEXUS
After the bell, Nexus continue to dissect Cody,
Kofi, and Morrsison… which begs me to ask another
question, where were the other Pros and the Rookies? The
match is over, they could have save them, and they
outnumber the Nexus 2-1! Whatever, wrestlers are stupid.
Its at this point, Striker proves he’s an idiot
by going inside the ring filled with people who have
beat him up and tries to interview them. Heck, even Wade
has to ask if Striker knows what he’s doing right now.
Wade is proud of what they have done, and that’s its
only the being. Ends with a nice slogan for the group,
saying that you’re either Nexus or against us. End of
show.
BOOOOOOO. That’s what I say to this show. It had
such possibilities to be awesome, but it just fell
short. I think the Percy Watson show could have been
better if they left it go on for longer, they could have
done so much more with the Rookies jumping the Pros but
that all took a backseat to Nexus. Just a shame,
this show could have been so much better, and yet failed
to match expectation. Maybe that’s the real problem with
this show, I was expecting too much. I have to say, I
never thought I’d hate an episode this much that didn’t
have any challenges!
BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY
AWARD”:
Percy asks MVP
for 20 dollars.
AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE
AWARD”: The fact MVP did
not give him 20 dollars, and that Percy’s show was over
in 5 minutes.
WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS
AWARD”:
When an evil
organization bent on taking over the company says
they’re coming on your show… DON’T FREAKIN LET THEM
IN!!!!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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