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            I hate John Cena.


            I know, welcome to the club, right? Look, I understand he serves a purpose. He’s the top draw, and on shirts alone he makes the company a lot of money. In terms of being a role model, he’s fine. You’re definitely not going to see a story about Cena being found dead in a motel room face down in cocaine. Finally, I’m sure John Cena the human being is a pretty decent guy.


            However, John Cena the wrestling persona has to go… or at least how he’s booked. What the hell happened last Monday night?! First of all, is Sheamus injured? He hasn’t wrestled in like a month, only appearing in backstage segments. You then have John Cena rip into him how he’s won he title due to BS, call him a fake champion, and even said his match on the PPV will be easy compared to his match on RAW… way to hype the match there, John.


            Plus I know Cena is supposed to be Superman, but the end of the main event ticked me off. He takes 3 finishers, is hurt enough to be pinned… but suddenly drinking the X Potion, completely healing, fighting off the Nexus like nothing happened… really?


            In truth though, I think I know what happened. Writers wanted the Nexus to still look strong, but they didn’t want to make Cena look weak going into the PPV… but really? Just no sell the entire match? That’s the best you could come up with?


            Cena will be the subject of this week’s Commercials Thoughts (which I will now call Off Topic, just to make it my own) as I tell ya my least favorite John Cena moments. And they are many, as it was all downhill after he stopped rapping.


            We are live from Louisville, Kentucky. The show has good odds of being good, as we have the Percy Watson Show coming up, and the Nexus are looming, However, we’re off to the usual lousy start with Striker and Ashley introducing us to NXT. They introduce the Pro’s, minus the absent LayCool. Nice bit of continuity with Henry trying to get at Miz for the happenings at RAW.


            And then…. They happily introduce Nexus? Okay, for those following at home, Nexus are the evil organization bent on taking over the WWE. Among their victims was Matt Striker, who was laid out in the initial attack. Matt Striker, along with the rest of the WWE Pros, attacked the season 2 Rookies out of fear that they would repeat the attack, and feeling the need for revenge…. These people are now not only welcoming Nexus on NXT… but giving them chairs so they relax on the rampway next to the Pros? WTF?!


            Barrett spouts that its great to be back on NXT, and insists that they are just here to enjoy the show, he says while tying a woman to some railroad tracks and twirling his moustache.


            I’m still scratching my head over this development, when we’re thrown into a tag match!


The Miz & Alex Riley


Mark Henry & Lucky Cannon


            Story of this match is Miz wants no part of Henry. Mark starts off with Riley, while Miz stays on the outside. Riley gets killed throughout this part, as Henry expresses his rage… Crap, this is leading to a Miz/Henry feud, isn’t it? Hats off to Miz for going out of his way to try and make Mark Henry look like he’s scary and not been jobbing for 10 years.


            Lucky is tagged in, and Riley easily reverses a move to make him the face in peril. I tell ya it’s a crime that Lucky ain’t going to be cut next.


OFF TOPIC: The Debut…


Everyone remembers this one. Kurt Angle is calling out anyone to come to the ring, and out comes some musclebound loser in red and black tights. Angle asks him what does he have that could possibly make he think he can beat him. Cena responds “RUTHLESS AGGRESSION!” When I first saw him I thought he was a generic doofus who’d be fired in a year… yeah, I was a little off with that one.


            Back and Lucky plays the face in peril for a large portion of the match.  I start to doubt Miz’s chances a bit as Cole goes off on how he’s the odds on favorite at MitB. Anyway, this match is pretty by the numbers from here. Have to say I love the fact that Rookies are the one’s in peril, and the Pro’s are the ones who actually look impressive. Way to push those young kids! (sarcasm)


            End comes when Henry comes in and beats up Miz with some power moves. Miz rushes off and tags in Riley, leaving him for dead.  Henry responds by casually picking up Alex Riley, and WSS him for the pin.


WINNERS: Henry and Lucky


Lucky is now 2-3

Alex Riley is now 2-2


            Almost symbolically, Mark Henry covers the fallen Alex Riley in garbage… which is kinda how I think the writers see the Rookies. We then cut from Riley covered in garbage to an Alex Riley extended promo package. Its otherwise positive, though the one critique that sticks out in my opinion is given by Cody Rhodes, who says Alex acts like he’s playing a character…. Which really is the most bizarre thing a wrestler could say about another wrestler. Next he’ll complain about him not actually hitting the other wrestlers in matches. Second; really Cody? Alex is the one playing the character? You’re playing a Pretty Boy, like Lex Luger, Buff Bagwell, early Shawn Michaels, Paul Orndorff, and Rick Martel did before you! That’s a freakin character!


OFF TOPIC: The never-ending title reign…


So he wins the title at Wrestlemania 21, and most people expect him to keep it maybe 3 months… well, three months damn neared turned to a year! Even worse, he’d lose it and win it back in a month. This is the point people turned on Cena, as I believe they were just sick of having him shoved down our throats… something that continues to this day.


            We come back, and go over another Money in the Bank moment from Jack Swagger winning, which leads into a rundown of MitB’s “card”. Christ, I hope this “book on the day of the PPV” crud ends before Summerslam.


            This goes into another video this time of Raw last night. You already read my piece on that, plus Burge’s piece is good too.


            Finally, news of something cool for the show as Percy Watson’s show is coming up after this commercial break.


OFF TOPIC: Overcoming the odds…


The Tales of Supercena are many. My personal “favorite” would be the “I Quit” match he had with Orton. Orton did everything short of taking out a gun and shooting Cena… yet he still overcame the odds. Thankfully, WWE has eased up on this a little. Probably due to the fact that no one in their right minds would throw down PPV money to see a guy who never loses.


            We’re back and Percy is already in the ring to set us up. He has couches and carpeting in the ring, so basically the usual setup in these shows. He gets the crowd pumped with a few “Oh Yeah!” and introduces his guest… MVP? Huh, I suppose it makes sense but what the heck are they going to talk about? He has no match at the PPV, and he’s not even in a feud.


            They greet each other and sit down, and Percy immediately asks MVP for 20 dollars… I actually thought that was pretty funny. Percy invited MVP to thank him for his guidance during this time, and MVP thanks Percy for being a good student. Percy then says one of the things he taught him was the importance of making an impact…. And to not take what he’s going to do personal. Its here that all the Rookies come out and surround MVP. Montel then calls for backup, and the Pros come to join him.


            Now at this point, you’re excited right? Maybe the Nexus jump the other Pro’s, the Rookies join Nexus, and become an army? Maybe the Rookies beat their Pro’s in a big match, and finally earn some respect? Well forget about all that, as the WWE is quick to kill the mood, as well as any real possibilities of this being cool with their top agent: Matt Striker.


            Striker suddenly comes out laughing and says “Uh oh! Looks like the Rookies want to test out the Pros!” Okay Striker, you just killed the mood. Seriously, not everything that happens is funny! He goes on about how the best way to solve this is with a battler royal… what?!  How is that the best way to solve it? It’s clearly a Pro vs. Rookie issue, not an everyone wanting to beat up everyone else issue. The Nexus then get a mic and say they want in… okaaay.  Despite the fact that the Nexus is “an evil organztion bent on taking over the WWE”, Striker and company has no problem with it. Long story short, we have a 20 man Battle Royal… instead of something cool.


OFF TOPIC: Almost killing the Miz…


If you had told me after the end of Miz and Morrison, that The Miz would become the more successful of the two, I’d have laughed. If you’d told me that he’d also be probably the most over heel since Edge, I’d have said you were crazy… Well, damn if he didn’t do just that.


Following the split, Miz went on to do some of the best anti-Cena promos ever, claiming to be 6-0 against Cena due to him never answering his challenges. The people ate this up, as star was being born before our eyes. Cena finally answered Miz’s challenges, and a match was made for the Great American Bash. It was a great build up, and I even bought the bloody ppv to see it.


Now, I never expect Miz to win, but at least make a good showing. I NEVER expected Cena would just kill him in 2 minutes and make him look like garbage! Thankfully Miz is talented enough to dig himself out of the hole Cena made for him, but notice he’s stayed far away from Cena since then.





            This is garbage, but whatever. Nexus immediately leave the ring and stand together outside the ring, while everyone fights on the outside. Everytime someone is thrown out, they run over and kick the crap out of them. Sorta like the same horror movie tactics they used with the legends.


            This goes on for a few eliminations before the Pros join forces to attack the Nexus, and we have a stand off while the Rookies… just stand there?


OFF TOPIC: Five moves of Doom…


He knows 5 moves.


Every match he has consists of him getting his butt kicked for 90% of the match, then hitting his 3 of said moves, his opponent fights back as he’s been only hit with three moves. He then suddenly hits either the FU or STFU (or both) to finish it. EVERY. FRICKIN. TIME… such a stupid character.


            Back to the Battle Royale, and the Nexus are actually in the ring fighting but being smart and staying close together. The Rookies and Pros on the other hand don’t see the need to team up to take out the EVIL ORGANIZATION THAT WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WWE.


            The Rookies are all eliminated first, so much for pushing the new guys… again. One thing to note, it appears that Alex Riley’s head was re-opened as he had a gusher upon leaving the ring. It’s six on five at this point: All of Nexus against Kofi, Cody, Morrison, Miz, and Zack Ryder. The Pros finally realize they should join up against the EVIL ORG- ah forget it. So the line is set, and Zack is the first man to get up in the Nexus face… and then Miz throws him out.


            Miz then tries to work out a deal with the Nexus, hoping they forget the fact that he treats all Rookies like garbage. The Nexus then proceed to do what they do best… intense awkward stares that last way too long. After like 5 minutes, they go after Miz, who just over the top rope himself to eliminate/save himself.


            This leaves Cody, Morrison, and Kofi to fight. By fight, I mean that’s what the faces do, while Cody “dashes” away whenever they get near him. Seriously, he’s in full flight mode here. Kofi and Morrison do a valiant effort, but get eliminated. Then they turn to Cody, who makes a very good “Oh shit, I didn’t think this through enough” face. To which the Nexus stares at him for another 5 minutes before jumping him, and throwing him out.




            After the bell, Nexus continue to dissect Cody, Kofi, and Morrsison… which begs me to ask another question, where were the other Pros and the Rookies? The match is over, they could have save them, and they outnumber the Nexus 2-1! Whatever, wrestlers are stupid.


            Its at this point, Striker proves he’s an idiot by going inside the ring filled with people who have beat him up and tries to interview them. Heck, even Wade has to ask if Striker knows what he’s doing right now. Wade is proud of what they have done, and that’s its only the being. Ends with a nice slogan for the group, saying that you’re either Nexus or against us. End of show.


            BOOOOOOO. That’s what I say to this show. It had such possibilities to be awesome, but it just fell short. I think the Percy Watson show could have been better if they left it go on for longer, they could have done so much more with the Rookies jumping the Pros but that all took a backseat to Nexus.  Just a shame, this show could have been so much better, and yet failed to match expectation. Maybe that’s the real problem with this show, I was expecting too much. I have to say, I never thought I’d hate an episode this much that didn’t have any challenges!



BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  Percy asks MVP for 20 dollars.


AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  The fact MVP did not give him 20 dollars, and that Percy’s show was over in 5 minutes.


WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  When an evil organization bent on taking over the company says they’re coming on your show… DON’T FREAKIN LET THEM IN!!!!





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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).