Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

WWE NXT RANT

7-6-10

 

            Hello people, and welcome to another edition of the NXT Rant.  I’m Malcolm Not in the Middle… and I am angry! Why do you ask? Hollywood has just recently taken a big steaming number 2 on yet another franchise that I actually cared about. I’m of course talking about the recently released Last Airbender.

 

            At risk of being made fun of here, I loved Avatar: The Last Airbender. It was a clever, witty, and deep piece of animation. The story was exciting, the characters were actually cool, and you didn’t feel like an idiot for enjoying a Nickelodeon cartoon. So, when they announced that there would be a live action movie for it, I was excited…. Till they announced who was directing it.

 

            Here’s the thing about M. Night Shymalalalalalan, the best way to describe him… he’s like the socially awkward kid at the party. Kinda annoying, and no one really cares for him. One day, he does something funny, and the other kids laugh. The kid gets excited, thinking he’s finally found some kind of acceptance. So he repeats whatever he did to get a laugh… over… and over… and over again. Finally, the other kids get pissed that they even laughed at the joke, and get annoyed with the guy to a point that they want to throw him out.  Sound familiar?

 

            Ever since he rose to prominence thanks to the twist in the Sixth Sense, he thinks that’s all there is to making a movie.  All he really knows how to do is plot twists, and he finally does a movie with no plot twist and it looks like he said “Fuck it.”

 

            This movie is a failure on every level. Despite the fact that M. Night went on about how much he loved the series, he failed in capturing even the most basic elements of the story and characters. Christ, he couldn’t even bother to have the actors pronounce the characters names correctly! In closing… Fuck you, M. Night. Fuck. You.

 

            So yeah, an epic fails. You’d think I’d have learned by now not to trust Hollywood to do an adaptation? Hence the subject for this week’s commercial thoughts! This week, I look back on the movies from the past that either bummed or pissed me off.

 

            Anyway, enough of my venting! Its time for the recap! Which they start by hitting us with a recrap of the whole keg challenge. Crud, I underestimated how much they love stupid wastes of time. They then show Titus getting eliminated, which is a sad thing… That I got over the morning after NXT.

 

            Coming to ya live from Atlanta, GA.  No elimination this week, though ya really never know on this show. I half expect them to eliminate someone for forgetting to flush backstage. Striker is in the ring, proving nothing good last forever. He introduces the Pros, much to my chagrin. WWE realizes the point of this show is to build the new guys, right? I swear the Pros seem to be the only ones getting pushed here.

 

            Striker asks Zack Ryder what he thought about Titus getting eliminated. He does a good job standing by his Rookie, just about calling the WWE Universe crazy for not seeing his potential. Striker then goes to John Morrison…. Sigh. You know, I remember being a huge Morrison mark, but this show has really made the fact that Morrison can’t talk to save his life visible. He’s asked if he’d change anything the voting. After pandering to the WWE Universe, he says his change would be to cut the Miz instead. Ha. Ha. Ha.

 

            They then introduce the Rookies… only thing to note is Alex Riley (Looking fine after having his head explode wrestling against Kaval and a guardrail) walks over and takes LayCool with him… this lasts a few steps till they tell Riley to slag off, so he steals one of their clipboards… okaay.

 

            They’re in the ring, and Christ no…. there’s a podium in the ring. I think we’re now redo’ing the promo challenge. Striker goes to interview the rookies. Asks Husky how he feels about being the odds on favorite to be eliminated next. Husky threatens Matt (again) saying what are any of the Rookies going to do about him. He then asks what could the WWE Universe do about it? Cole actually has a line of the night contender when he says, “Well, they could vote you off.”

 

            They go to Riley, as he looks pissed at the rankings. He goes on to say that they were bogus, and that he can’t believe that the fans were entrusted to pick the next guy employed, and they go for the guy too short to go to ride anything at Disneyland… snicker. Matt Striker of course is there to end the interview just as its getting good.

 

            Kaval gets interviewed and rubs the fact in Riley’s face and Riley is like “ARGH! I’m an angry heel!”

 

            So Striker reaffirms my fears when he tells us we have a promo challenge for tonight. The winner gets a really useless prize, as they get their own talk show for next week.  Which helps them win… how again?

 

            Alright, let’s get this over with.

 

1)      Percy is up, and his topic is glasses. In his own style, says he uses his glasses to see the path, and that we’ll get there together or something…. OH YEAH! Actually, I have to say it was pretty funny.

2)      Kaval is next and his topic is chicken. Says that chickens can’t make it in the WWE, but that with the WWE Universe, we’ll get there together…. Have to agree with Striker, a little too much pandering for my taste.

3)      Eli and his topic of moustache… you guys need to see this, this is the epitome of epic fail. For God’s sake, he starts by saying he doesn’t have a moustache… HE HAS A MOUSTACHE!!!

4)      MCGullicutty and his topic of Breath. Talks about how he’s so awesome, he’s going to take our breaths away… clever I guess, but meh.

5)      Husky is next, and he has the BS topic of doorknobs. He mentions how he used a doorknob to get into the building, and says we don’t deserve to hear him speak… okay.

6)      Lucky has the topic of deodorant. Speaking of epic fail, his promo compares the WWE to a smelly sweaty guy….wow.

7)      Riley with pigeons? Really? He actually makes a good one about how he’ s the head rooster, and all the other guys are pigeons compared to him. Its just  a shame that he’ll lose just because he’s a heel.

           

            The hell do you think won? Percy gets his own show next week! Oh yeah! And he’s probably just going to be interviewing the other Rookies! Oh… crap.

 

            They announce our big main event, as Lucky & Henry take on Cody and Husky. Now if this was an eating contest between Husky and Henry, it might be interesting. As is… why is Cody the focus of this show?

           

COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS:

 

JAWS: THE REVENGE: Growing up, I was a huge “fan” of the Jaws movies. I use the quotes because the bloody fish scared me to death. To this day, I’m still scared to go into beach water because of that film. It’s the first and only film to truly scare me.   So I’d had always been a big fan of the series… till this film.

 

While most consider Jaws 3 to be the one that killed the franchise, that honor goes to this one. Its one thing to have the shark be a mindless killing machine, but actually targeting a single family to get revenge? It’s a fuckin fish!  And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. You need a good heckle movie? I would advise ya to pick this one up… and then throw it back into the ocean.

 

            We’re back, and we have a match!

 

PERCY w/MVP

vs.

MICHAEL McGULLICUTTY w/KOFI

 

            Interesting match, as I guess Percy’s gimmick is that he’s the master of the dropkick as that’s all he seems to do. Also a new thing this week, as the Pros all stand on the apron as if to say “Hey look! We’re trying to actually help them!”

 

            Nice back and forth till a lame looking sunset slip by Henning Jr. ends it.

 

WINNER: McGULLICUTTY

 

McGullicutty is now 4-0

Percy is now 1-2

 

            We cut to the Josh and Cole… who replay the keg carry again?! Dude, it wasn’t that great! And you just replayed all this at the top of the show!  I’m starting to wonder if goldfish are a key demographic in WWE.

 

            They then go into Titus, and start to show a… Titus O’Neil package with the Pro’s opinions… why? He’s eliminated. Not only does he not need a package, but there’s 7 other guys who are active and REALLY need one. This makes no sense.

 

            Anyway, this package was very reminiscent of the package they gave Michael Tarver last season, as they just rip this poor guy to shreds. While at least they were able to say something nice about him, 85% of this was bashing him. Attacking everything from his promo skills to his teeth. If it was like last season, where they showed this while Tarver was in the ring, I’d probably find this humorous. However, given the fact he was eliminated and watching this at home… this was just in bad taste.     

           

            They then replay his exit promo… which as heartfelt as it was, becomes really bloody annoying when it’s the 11th time I’ve seen it in a week. And once again… you showed us this at the top of the show!

 

            Miz and Riley come down, as we are told that we will have the Miz vs. Kaval next. Could be awesome, but let’s see how WWE fucks it up.

 

COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS:

 

TRANSFORMERS 2:  On the subject of directors who need to F’ themselves, Michael Bay! Seriously dude, what the heck were you thinking with Skidz and Mudflap? Add to the fact the one black Autobot was the only one to die in the first movie, I really have to wonder, dude. And for Christ’s sake, no one cares about the humans, we came to see the bloody robots. And would it kill you to give them some color differences? And a zoom out shot? And you seriously gave Deveastator balls? Argh….

 

            Kaval, still with pink sleeveless shirt, comes to the ring with LayCool. Still my favorite Rookie-Pro pairing, and has given me newfound respect for LayCool. And we’re off…

 

THE MIZ w/ ALEX RILEY (w/o A FOURTH OF HIS HEAD)

VS.

KAVAL w/ LAYCOOL

 

            This match pissed me off, as it was mostly Miz dominating the hell out of Kaval. And pretty much outclassing the guy. These writers don’t seem get the fact that the show is supposed to elevate and make fans care about these new guys, or at least the ones most likely to win. That’s not going to happen if the fans think they have no business being in the ring with the actual Superstars. The writers have gone out of their way to actually make the Pro’s be the focus this season, which is lame.

 

            Anyway, Miz in complete and utter control as we go to commercials.

           

COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS:

 

GI JOE: To be fair, as soon as we saw that Marlon Waynes was in the cast… we knew how this one was going to go down. I especially loved (sarcasm) how Marlon (The dumbest character) was able to figure out Cobra’s entire secret plot on the way to get a drink from the cooler… and no I’m not kidding.

 

            Kaval finally gets some offense in, and goes for a Warrior Way twice (once blocking a superplex) before clips the legs out from under Kaval. Miz hits the Skull Crashing Finale, and its over.

 

WINNER: The Miz

 

Kaval is now 1-3

 

            That sucked. I know you want to make Miz look strong…. But Kaval looks like shit. Here’s an ending for ya: After Miz failed with that superplex, you have Miz laid out and Kaval stands to hit the Warrior’s Way. Then you have Riley run over, and shove Kaval to the floor and cause a DQ. It makes sense, because Riley is pissed that Kaval is number one. Miz doesn’t look weak, and Kaval looks promising. There! Was that so freakin hard? Freakin A, this company….

 

We get an Eli Cottonwood Pro’s opinion package… okay, long story short? The good news is he’s really tall. Bad news is he sucks at everything else.

 

COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS:

 

BURN AFTER READING: A new trend in Hollywood is to advertise the movie to make people think its one thing than reveal it to be something else. This movie was advertise to be a comedy, and then revealed it wasn’t really a comedy. The closest thing to funny was Brad Pitt and they literally shot that in the face. Till this movie, I’d never been pissed at a movie. I just felt lied too.

 

            We get a Raw Recap with John Cena “heroically” dealing with the Nexus. Look, I understand that Cena’s deal was he wasn’t going to just take the BS the stable gave him and do nothing… But I love the fact that Cena had the opportunity to end this war with a group so strong they could destroy the WWE… but decided not to for simple revenge. Real heroic, John.

           

            We then get a run down of MitB’s… um card? Thus far, only four matches. Yup, well worth the 55 bucks.

           

            We then get a Husky package… heh, heh, heh. Miz has a great line here: “He has an interesting look, he’s intriguing… but he’s fat.” Lot of BS here as they say he has all this untapped potential… which is different from the pile of useless I see every week,

 

            Cody and Husky come down for that big tag match, as we head to commercials.

           

COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS:

 

HULK (2003): Seriously, what the heck was that?

 

            Apparently, the Nexus will be invading NXT next week… interesting. I wonder if the Pros are regretting the whole “Lets jump and beat them up for no reason” thing at the first episode of the season?

 

“DASHING” CODY RHODES & HUSKY HARRIS

VS.

MARK HENRY & LUCKY CANNON

 

            ... Meh.

 

            That’s all I can say about this match. Up until the end, this watch was pretty by the numbers. Mark Henry is uber strong, yet can’t win. Cody is a jerk. The Rookies are useless, typically NXT stuff.

 

            One of the stupider parts of this match is when Henry tries for a vertical splash. In which he stands over Cody, smiles to the crowd, does a taunt, files his taxes, does his laundry, eats a happy meal, and then goes for the splash. Shocker, it misses. And this is the pro that did this, keep in mind.

 

            End comes as Mark Henry knocks down Cody with a headbutt and then Lucky touches Cody, and heals him, and he just instantly hits a Cross Rhodes to end it.

 

Winners: Skinny and Fatty

 

Husky is now 1-2

Lucky Cannon is 1-3

 

            Once again… the Rookies are killed at the expense of the Pros… okay, is Cody really this useless? He needs to beat the Rookies to look impressive? Lucky is lucky he’s a face, or else, I’d say he’s next.

 

            And… that’s it. No message from Striker, or interview with Rookies… We’re down, and that’s that…. Huh.

 

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  Percy getting a talk show could be a make or break for him. He’s shown he’s funny bursts, but how good is he in a promo?

 

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  The fact we should expect more of these dumbass challenges for the next month or so.

 

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  Eli Cottonwood forgets he has a moustache.  That takes talent… or consumption of paint chips.

 

 

 SEND FEEDBACK TO MALCOLM NOT IN THE MIDDLE.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).