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NXT RANT

6/29/10

 

            Hey there guys, and welcome to another edition of the NXT Rant. Pretty ho hum week in wrestling this week. Drew McIntyre is off my screen for awhile (which is nice), TNA made no sense, and RAW… a few things:

 

1)      To quote Cameron Burge: “Truth is asked what he thinks about the Nexus and he says to keep them in the WWE zoo because he’s…the zoo keeper? What the fuck does that mean?”

2)      The heck was the point of Rob Zombie coming out there?

3)      I’m starting to get sick of Santino, to be honest.

4)      I hope to God MitB doesn’t lead to Orton winning. He’s obviously still injured, and I’m starting to wish he just took the time off to heal.

           

            Last night made me realize that, in the WWE’s point of view, Cluster matches are the key to the future. First Fatal Fourway, and now Money in the Bank… that will occupy 16 wrestlers all together. For those doing the math, these matches typically take a half hour. Which leaves 2 hours to be filled. Rey vs. Swagger has been announced, along with Cena vs. Sheamus. Really, who’s left for matches? I have a feeling that this will be a PPV where WWE announces just those four matches, and the rest of the card is a surprise till the night of the PPV. Oh well, knock on wood.

 

            We’ll see, but hopefully the tradition that an up and comer wins the MitB briefcase will continue.

 

            TWF’s own Great Scott (A man who feds kittens to iguanas… somehow) has been pretty vocal about Red Dead Redemption being subpar, in his opinion. Now I won’t lie to you, some of his points are true. However, as a man who not only played and the beat the game, but enjoyed it as well as enjoyed it, I feel the need to defend it. Hence the subject of this week’s commercial thoughts!

 

            Still standing here in Wilkes-Barre, PA. Voting is underway; anybody here vote? I put one for Alex Riley, as he honestly has been the best one so far. I’ll wait and see how broken this system is, given the fans have such a say in it.

 

            Ashley is on the ramp and she introduces the NXT Rookies. Makes a good call on how important the rankings are; and how Wade Barrett never placed under #2. She says the Rookies have a chance to affect whether or not they are eliminate this week. To explain, she passes it to Matt Striker who is standing next to- No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It’s a flippin’ challenge! And worse still, they’re repeating the Keg Carry Challenge from last show.

 

            These challenges are stupid enough, but they’re repeating them? Really? No one backstage could think of something new for this season? Really? Anyway, least this one has a purpose. Winner of this one gets immunity from elimination. Lets head to the results:

 

McGullicutty: Proves he takes after his mother, as his perfection is lacking. Poor jerk drops the keg after taking a step. Striker feels the need to interview him on his epic fail, in which Micheal responds by talking like Boomhower from King of the Hill. Subtitles please?

 

Lucky: succeeds and gets a 12.7

 

Percy: Does well with a 13.0. Percy actually may have actually won, as they still haven’t mastered stopping the clock when the match is over.

 

Eli: Gets a 13.3

 

Kaval: Points out that this keg weighs as much as him, and he doesn’t want to injury himself, so he passes. Smart man.

 

Titus: Another epic fail, as he trips and nearly rams his head into the ring post. Striker interviews him after, and he tells the kids “That’s why you don’t drink and drive”… wait, he’s drunk right now? They decide to give this a slow motion replay.

 

Husky: Looks like he tore a quad, and falls down. Matt asks him if he’s okay, which Husky tells him he’s brave for even talking to him after last week.

 

Riley: You would think the college frat guy would be awesome at carrying a keg? He gets 13.8

 

            So Lucky, finally gets “lucky”.  But yeah, great job WWE. A challenge that not only sucks, but possibly injured 3 Rookies. AWESOME! This segues into a Percy Watson promo package, and I love this guy. He is hysterical. While I dunno if he should win, he should get a WWE contract regardless.

 

COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS:  The storyline is PHENOMAL. The story of John Marston and his quest to save his family is amazing, and feels very much like a true western.  Plus the ending is really griping, and if it does nothing for you, than you have no soul.

 

            We’re back and thrown violently into a match.

 

MVP w/ Percy Watson

vs.

HUSKY HARRIS w/ Dashing…Cody Rhodes

 

            This matched sucked.  I’ve never seen such a boring match on NXT. Husky needs to quit wrestling ASAP.

 

            Cole tells us that Husky attacked Striker because he wanted to make an impact. Right… because on a contest that’s pretty much a popularity contest, you want to be a dick.

 

            This match has one of my pet peeves with NXT. Have you noticed that Pro’s suddenly turn into technical wrestlers when they face a Rookie? Like when Cena took on Barrett, and was whipping out armbars, headlocks, fireman’s carries, and what not…. Despite the fact he usually is just brawling. So MVP gets technical with Husky.

 

            Husky wrestles much like he gives his promos… awkwardly. He just looks bad in there. He’s always smiling, and it’s a lot of power moves. I start to fall asleep as we head to a break.

 

COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS: The side quests are fun. Hunting down Buffalo to extinction, breaking horses, hunting challenges, bounty hunting, herb picking, and night watch…. Dude, there is a lot to do in this game.  Even the fetch quests, while repetitive, are pretty awesome. If you find this game boring, you need help.

 

            Back with Husky getting killed, but Husky fights back. This match is really not even close. Husky does gain the advantage, hitting three slams and a splash but he barely gets a one count!

 

            End comes as Husky misses a senton, and takes all of MVP’s signatures. The crowd is dead for this one at this point, as even the Ballin Elbow is met with complete silence. Paydirt thankfully ends it.

 

WINNER: MVP

 

Husky Harris is now 0-2

 

Husky “attempts” to be the heel here by refusing a handshake with MVP and go on that he was close to beating him…  in that he was nowhere close to beating him.  So he pisses off MVP (one of the judges) and in turn pisses off the fans (Also judges)… Gee, I wonder how he’ll do? (Sarcasm)

 

COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS:  As far the fetch quests sucking, here’s an idea, don’t do them! You can be a bad guy if ya want. Guy runs up to you about his horse, just shoot him… or just take his horse. The game gives ya a lot of freedom, and you really only doing the fetch quests if you’re a good guy. And if you’re playing a good guy, you don’t need to help EVERYONE if ya don’t want to.

 

            We’re back, and Cole and Josh recap everything that happened in the night thus far. Seriously, when did this belief that wrestling fans have short memories start? After that we’re thrown into a match!

 

KAVAL, LUCKY CANNON, & MICHAEL MCGULLICUTTY

VS.

ELI COTTONWOOD, ALEX RILEY, & TITUS O’NEIL

 

            Thank God Percy and Husky weren’t a part of this… or else, this would turn into a “8 man MEGA-match!” What the heck was that all about? Is this the year of stupid adjectives? Will Cena and Sheamus engage in a “Super Duper Steel Cage Extravaganza”? Time will tell.

 

This match thankfully is a lot better than our previous match. “Lucky” Cannon is the face in peril for most of the match, with Riley, Bebop, and Rocksteady working him over in the corner.

 

            Cole continues to prove he’s an idiot by calling Miz the Doc River’s of NXT. Cole… this would make more sense if he won last season.  Guys like Joe Torre and Doc Rivers are famous because they won! Daniel Bryan was one of the first two guys eliminated. So as a coach, Miz sucks.

 

            Kaval gets a hot tag and proceeds to wipe the floor with Alex Riley till Eli and Titus throw him out. McGullicutty sneaks in and hits the Twist-A-Roo on Riley, and suckers Eli to the outside. Then Lucky dropkicks Titus out… leaving Riley alone on the mat. Kaval comes to and hits the Warrior’s Way on Alex and gets the pin. Right on!

 

WINNERS: Kaval, McGullicutty, and Lucky Cannon

 

Kaval is now 1-2

Lucky is now 1-2

McGullicutty is now 3-0

 

Alex Riley is now 2-1

Eli Cottonwood is 2-1

Titus is now 0-3

 

            Kaval celebrates his first victory in the ring as LayCool gets up and celebrates too. Love this pairing. Thankfully, Kaval won’t be receiving the “He’s so awesome, he doesn’t need to ever win a match” or the Daniel Bryan treatment. Matt Striker comes out to let us know that the first Poll is now upon us and when we return, the result of that Poll… oh boy.

 

COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS:  As for why can’t you cheat on your wife… its because your guaranteeing a NC-17 rating with that one. 

 

            We’re back… and Matt Striker is a liar as we get a RAW recap. It shows off the viscous NXT attack on the Legends. I love how when Randy Orton or Chris Jericho kill legends, they’re controversial. Nexus does it, and they’re disrespectful punks. Double standards for the win!

 

            They run down the “card” for Money in the Bank, putting on an emphasis how the cage match between Cena and Sheamus will keep out outside interference. Riiight, because those young punks will never think to just climb up the bloody thing. No way they’ll notice that door on the side of the cage. Yes, Sheamus and Cena are safe in there… bloody hell.

           

            Pro’s poll is next as we have another commercial!

 

COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS: It’s the only time you can shoot a Bald Eagle with a shotgun and not go to jail.

 

            Its time for the Poll! SUSPENSE! DRAMA! INTRIGUE! CONSORTIUM! …. Let’s just cut to the list…

 

1)      Kaval

2)      Percy Watson

3)      McGullicutty

4)      Alex Riley

5)      Lucky

6)      Eli

7)      Husky

8)      Titus

 

            Yeah, this system ain’t broken…

 

            Okay a few things. Kaval number one… sure, it makes as much sense as Bryan being number one in the first Poll. However, even I said that Kaval is fantastic, so that’s cool. Percy Watson as number two… Really? I mean I love the guy, but he’s ranked higher than McGullicutty and Riley! He’s ranked higher than the two guys who were undefeated going into the show! If Riley ends up being eliminated because he’s a heel, that’s a damn shame man. Plus the fact the heels are for the most part underneath the faces hasn’t escaped my attention.

 

            At any rate, the elimination makes sense and I even called it. Here we go then,

 

Character Retrospective: Titus O’Neil

 

BEGINNING: This was the easiest to call elimination in the history of NXT. As soon as you saw his promo package, he was the definition of bland.  The only thing he had going for him was that he was big… sorry dude, but Ezekiel Jackson already has the role of big black dude in WWE.

 

NOW: Admittingly, his promo skills picked up a bit over time. I actually feel like a jerk now for saying he was going to be the first guy eliminated as he seemed like a genuine nice guy, and he has the ability to make the crowd like when he talks. He was a little off tonight, but he was coming along. However, it still made sense that he was eliminated first.

 

FUTURE: If we see him back in the WWE, I don’t believe it’ll be for a long time. He has some sprouting to do, and I think its best for his career to get more experience… that being said, don’t be surprised to see him join the Nexus. At the same token, maybe he’ll go back to teaching kids, as once again, he seems like a nice guy.

 

            Titus cuts a “No Regrets” style promo and tells the crowd to never be afraid to follow their dreams, and that he will be back.  He gets a nice ovation, as he walks out (and Zack Ryder catches him to say goodbye). And that closes us out.

 

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”: Kaval gets his first win, and it’s hopefully the first of many.

 

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: That Husky/MVP match was lousy. Husky has a mountain to climb if he doesn’t want to be eliminated next.

 

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: Percy Watson at number#2?! Really?t number#2?! Really?

 

 

 SEND FEEDBACK TO MALCOLM NOT IN THE MIDDLE.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).