NXT Rant
5/18/10
Hello people, and holy cow! It seems that I have pissed at least one person off this week!
Last week, I made a few comments about the Halo-Huie (Which sounds pretty funny when you say it fast several times) feud. Comments which pissed off Jordan and he even wrote about me in his article. In this segment, I learned a lot about the man who wishes he was Shane Steele. For one thing, he can’t count. Makes this big stink about “hundreds upon hundreds” of things I got wrong… and then lists five. WTF? You couldn’t at least stretch it out to ten?
Anyway, Jordan Huie will be the subject of this week’s Commercial Thoughts as I go through the “hundreds upon hundreds” of mistakes he calls me out on, some rightfully so. First, let’s do a Character Retrospective for last week. I’ll be doing an extra one for the next two weeks to make up for the two extra ones who were eliminated. First up, its Skip Sheffield.
CHARACTER RETROSPECTIVE: SKIP
SHEFFIELD
Beginning: I wasn’t wild about this guy’s gimmick at first. Redneck characters were never my thing. I was never big into the Hillbilly Jim’s, the Henry O. Goodwin’s, or the Festus’s. However, he was the only guy who had a catchphrase, and I could see the humor value in the character, which seems to be more important than anything else right now. I mean, would you call Jillian, Santino, The Bellas, or Hornswoggle “wrestlers”? They’re more like props than anything else now. So I assumed he had a strong future in being a backstage joke on Raw.
Now: He was recently eliminated for losing too damn much. He then pulls a heel turn, blaming the fans for making him lose too much. You know, this ain’t the first time I heard that one, and it never makes sense. Is there a belief among face wrestlers that we like seeing our favorite wrestlers lose on a regular basis? That would explain the “Hometown Curse” fan law, I guess.
Admitting, the elimination was a little surprising to me. Least it is to anyone who recognizes that this is not a real reality show. Sheffield was the most advertised of the bunch. Seriously, most commercials I saw for the NXT began with “He’s a corn-fed meathead…” So I was surprised that they would let go their most advertised rookie so early… not that this show makes any sense.
Future: He’s back in FCW and turned full heel as of this writing. I assume he’ll continue there, come back as Regal’s new protégé in a stable of big huge dudes, and I really don’t care. I don’t like him and don’t see why WWE keeps him… that being said, expect him to get a Sheamus like push.
Anyway, cue the lousy music! It’s NXT! This week’s show comes to you from a kitten being eaten by an iguana… SNAP! Maturity FTW!
They show a recap of last week’s abortio- err, show. Interesting note, WWE cuts out roughly 90% of Michael Tarver’s promo in the recap, so it only shows him saying “You should eliminate me.” Nice to know Vince is looking to rewrite history even in the present.
WWE once again tries something new this week with this program. It’s really nice to know WWE went into this show with some kind of plan (not!). Admittingly, I think it’s a step in the right direction as it actually involves the Pro’s doing something on this show! Pros come out, and like Big Brother, set up on the top of the ramp way to watch the rookies during their matches and to help make their decisions.
Striker is there to be a black hole of charisma, and asks the Pro’s what they are looking for. Miz says he’s looking for someone who has the potential to double WWE’s audience. Regal says he’s looking for adaptability, which he says is crucial in WWE. Humorously, he brings himself up as an example, telling how he was a serious threat one moment and acting like a joke the next. CM Punk states his moral compass prevents him from speaking to the crowd, and then says thank you as if he was going to leave… except he stays. Christian wants someone to capture the imaginations of the WWE, which leads to a humorous interaction with Regal. Matt pretty much says, “Dude, all our answers are going to be similar, this is a waste of time” pretty much, and says he’s looking for the rookie with potential. Jericho sums it up the best by saying he’s waiting to see someone who makes him want to spend money to see them.
Striker then says the contest will start… next week! No seriously, its next.
DARREN
YOUNG VS. WADE BARRETT
Story of this match was that Punk pretty much washed his hands of this guy, while Jericho stood by his. Honestly, this was a really good much, with some good reversals by both.
Jericho has a solid career as a manager when his career starts winding down. His constant yelling about how awesome Barrett is always hysterical.
End comes when Young gets crotched on the ropes and gets kicked in the head for good measure. Fireman’s Slam and this one is over.
WINNER: WADE BARRETT
Barrett is now 7-4
Young is now 7-4 as well.
Darren, it was nice knowing ya.
We have a pro’s package on Otunga. Once again,
pretty honest. Everyone states that out of all the
rookies, Otunga has the best character, which is true.
His work thus far, including as Raw Host, was great.
They are pretty harsh about his wrestling skill. Punk
makes a comment that he cringes watching him wrestle
cause he thinks he’s going to kill someone; which is a
funny comment considering this is wrestling and you’d
think that’s the point in a wrestling match, ya know?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT:
Jordan problem #101
“First off, who the hell is
Jordan Hule? Reading not your best subject, Malculm?”
Yeah, my bad here. I could make
excuses, like how according to Microsoft Word Huie is
still spelled wrong, but I messed up. My apologies Huie,
as that was my mistake.
I’d also like to apologize to the rest of your
family as well. Heard your brother Dewey and Louie were
also pretty upset by the misspelling. I’ve already
received various angry emails from your uncle Donald and
Scrooge, so trust me it’s the last time I make that
mistake again.
Back from commercials… with Tarver and Bryan in
the ring? Striker in with them to embarrass them I
suppose. Striker first asks Tarver, after thinking on it
a week, his thoughts on the elimination. He actually
cuts a very logical promo about how he was told that the
wrestlers were told they would be picked based on their
skill… not thanks to some faceless members of WWE
Management. Good point.
Striker follows up with if he felt he eliminated
himself with his actions, both with the comment and his
non-participation in the challenges. Tarver says his
actions were to stand out amongst the other rookies.
Okay, this time I have to side with WWE here. Standing
out by sucking is really crappy strategy. Look up William
Hung if ya don’ believe me.
Tarver starts to let rip a decent promo… till
Striker earns that paycheck by interrupting and ending
yet another rookie’s promo. Its like he has a quota or
something.
Up next is Daniel Bryan(Striker refusing to call
him Bryan Danielson) and Daniel… pretty much cuts the
best promo I’ve ever seen him do. Everything that he’d
been holding in till this moment, he let out, and that
moment was awesome. If you’re a card-carrying member of
the IWC, it was like Bryan was channeling you. In this
promo, Daniels says it all:
1.
That Vince and the WWE only back stars they create
2.
The politics backstage
3.
How WWE only pushes monsters
4.
That everyone knows he’s the best wrestler here
5.
Says he’s a better wrestler than Miz
6.
Yells at Striker for constantly interrupting him (YES!)
7.
Cole being a Vince McMahon puppet
Seriously, a recap doesn’t do this promo justice,
it’s a must watch. At the end, Bryan actually is yelling
at and even slaps Cole in the head before being
separated by Striker. Josh consuls Cole as we head to
commercials!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jordan
problem #243
“This feud didn’t begin with…”
Okay fine, didn’t really do the research here,
but can anyone blame me? In simplicity, it’s an argument
over whether or not Party B is in fact “a whore”. Pardon
me for not doing advanced research on this one, and
summing it up.
So this feud was really Jordan requesting a link
be posted on Halo’s column, she posts the bad link, so
Jordan pulls on her hair, so Halo steals his favorite
toy, and then Jordan starts picking on her… So, yeah,
pretty adult stuff here. I may or may not
be paraphrasing here.
Tell ya what, for those who are interested,
here’s the story from Jordan himself:
“This feud didn't begin with me
calling her out as the whore that she is. I asked her to
put the direct link to the forum in her recap like I
did, because the link from the main site doesn't work.
She complies by putting the link from the main site in
her recap, which doesn't work, therefore defeating the
entire point. So I insinuated that she was an idiot in
my recap after that, but wasn't going to get mad about
it because, y'know, tits. She responds by telling me
she's gunning for me, to which I calmly responded to by
calling her a whore as many times I could without
getting tired of it.”
And there ya have it…
We’re back, and we have a replay of Cole getting
smacked around, which makes this show the greatest
wrestling show on this week. Plus Cole being pissed,
given how often I see him goofy happy is actually very
entertaining! With this, we head to the next match!
HEATH
SLATER VS. JUSTIN GABRIEL
Cole lasts three minutes before leaving the
broadcast. This night gets better and better!
Once again, this was a really nice match. Very
fast paced, and I even got to see some new moves from
Slater, with the exception of a finisher of course. End
comes with a kick to the face of Slater followed by the
450 Splash.
WINNER: Justin Gabriel
Justin is now 6-3
Slater is now 5-5
We have a taped segment from Skip Sheffield. He
feels that he was singled out and eliminated because the
Pro’s were scared of him. Ya Skip, that
makes sense. Lord knows if I were any of them, I’d want
to eliminate the guy that was 2-5 against rookies.
That’s probably why the 0-10 Daniel Bryan was eliminated
as well.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jordan
problem #369
“I did NOT call her a whore
1,123,255,999 times! I only called her a whore 15 times!
....I counted.”
Dude, have you read your columns? Trust me, the
15th time felt like the 1,123,255,999th
time.
We’re back, and its time for video packages of
shows that people actually watch. First up is the
Cena-Batista package. I may get hate mail for this, but
I’ve enjoyed this feud. Are these guys great wrestlers?
No, not really. But the feud has been told really well,
and it makes sense to me. I even found myself rooting
for Cena against Dave; who has been great as a heel.
Plus they’re matches have been really entertaining, as
well. So I’m very much looking forward to Over the
Limit.
Which segues into the Over the Limit Card, and
Michael Cole returning to commentary, really ticked off.
This is the best use of Michael Cole that I’ve seen in
awhile, though it makes me wonder is Bryan technically
the heel in this instance?
Card looks really interesting, and looks good for
a watch.
-Edge vs. Orton has been built
up amazingly, and could launch Orton to the moon if done
right.
-Cena vs. Batista looks great
too, as I said.
-Mysterio vs. Punk could still
the show, but chances are it won’t due to time
constraints. But it should still be good.
-Big Show vs. Swagger… I have
to agree with Jordan here. It’s been a weird build
because Show has been acting like a complete tool to
Swagger for no reason. Really bad storytelling here as
Swagger is literally just minding his own business and
then Big Show comes out to be a jerk. But Show is the
face here because picking on the unpopular kid is cool.
Darren Young package, in which the Pro’s tell 300
different ways of saying “He has potential.” They say he
has two issues, 1) He has yet to really express himself
and 2) he has Punk as a Pro.
Striker is up with the pros to tell them its time
for there decision… right after this!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jordan
Problem #444
“Cameron Burge is NOT Hulk
Hogan. He’s the Ultimate Warrior at best.”
So what does that make you? Dino freakin Bravo?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jordan
Problem #500
“ “Great" Scott isn't nice. You
remember how in my Extreme Rules recap, I mentioned how
kittens were fed to iguanas if we didn't state the
location of the shows? He's the one that does it!”
HEY! Great Scott is a Saint! You leave him alone!
Striker is back with the big drumroll and reveal
of the pro’s poll. It’s pretty academic who’s leaving,
however.
#1 – Wade Barrett
#2 – David Otunga
#3 – Heath Slater
#4 – Justin Gabriel
#5 – Darren Young
CHARACTER RETROSPECTIVE: DARREN
YOUNG
Beginning:
Thought he looked like a black John Cena.
Now:
Ummm, still looks like a black John Cena?
I have no complaints really about this
elimination, as the character really didn’t do anything
for me. Considering the erractic writing for this show,
this is about the most they could hope to accomplish for
the character.
Future:
I’m hoping for a Summerslam Main Event of Cena vs. Cena,
paying homage to the Taker vs. Taker match. Aside from
that, I don’t see big things for him.
So John Cena’s brotha from another mutha has been
eliminated. Striker goes to get his thoughts and decides
instead of potentially interrupting him, just giving him
the mic and letting him talk to the pros.
Young takes the mic and powerwalks over to the
rookies, and says.. thank you. He actually cuts a pretty
nice promo about how this is his dream and he thanks the
pro’s and the WWE for the opportunity. If this were
1985, this would have been a great face promo that the
crowd would have cheered for. However, this is 2010. So
the crowd poo’d all over this. Which makes them look
like real A-holes here. Here’s a guy who’s dream has
been destroyed and we’re seeing what maybe the last
moments of his WWE career… and the crowd starts singing
“Na na na na… na na na na… heeeeey, Good bye!” at the
poor guy. Stay classy, un-named town.
After a pause caused of disbelief I assume,
Darren swears it’s not the last time they’ve seen him
and he leaves. After letting us know that there will be
another elimination next week, we fade to black and end
the show.
Wow, what a turn around! WWE really needed to
bring it to win me back for this show, and they made
some great progress. The matches were pretty nice this
week, and they even had the pro’s actually participate
in the show! Plus the stuff with Bryan was gold, and has
me anxious to see what’s next. This was definitely a
good show!
BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE
DEWEY AWARD:
Absolutely Daniel Byran exploding! If you haven’t seen
it yet, find it. It’s pure gold! Honorable mention given
to Cole being asked, “What the fingers say to the face?”
“SLAP!”
AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE
REESE AWARD”:
How about the crowd tonight? Darren Young’s dream is
over, and ya make fun of him? Jerks!
WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE
FRANCIS AWARD”:
Jordan, you’re coming for me? Next time you’re in
Manchester, NH; you look me up. Cause its on like neck
bones, Sucka!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
POPULAR UPDATES
SATIRE: WWE's Discontinued X-Mas Products
DVD Review: End Game, Starring Kurt Angle
50+ Random Star Wars Lines You Can Use In The Middle Of Sex To Hilarious Results
CLASSIC SATIRE: ECW Goes Sci-Fi
Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall: Introduction
Broken News: U.S. Hero with Golden Trunks Becomes Homeless Man
When Wrestling Merchandise Goes Bad: WWE Finger Rings
CLASSIC SATIRE: Guess Who's HHHaving a Baby?
Broken News: WWE Pro Grappling "Gentle Giant" Reunited with Estranged Son
TWF Entertainment: VH1's 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds
The WWE Developmental Rookie Name Generator
Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
VIDEO SATIRE: 'Til Death Do Us Part!
SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel!
Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!