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NXT Rant



            Hello people, and holy cow! It seems that I have pissed at least one person off this week!


            Last week, I made a few comments about the Halo-Huie (Which sounds pretty funny when you say it fast several times) feud. Comments which pissed off Jordan and he even wrote about me in his article.  In this segment, I learned a lot about the man who wishes he was Shane Steele. For one thing, he can’t count. Makes this big stink about “hundreds upon hundreds” of things I got wrong… and then lists five.  WTF? You couldn’t at least stretch it out to ten?


            Anyway, Jordan Huie will be the subject of this week’s Commercial Thoughts as I go through the “hundreds upon hundreds” of mistakes he calls me out on, some rightfully so. First, let’s do a Character Retrospective for last week. I’ll be doing an extra one for the next two weeks to make up for the two extra ones who were eliminated. First up, its Skip Sheffield.




Beginning: I wasn’t wild about this guy’s gimmick at first. Redneck characters were never my thing. I was never big into the Hillbilly Jim’s, the Henry O. Goodwin’s, or the Festus’s. However, he was the only guy who had a catchphrase, and I could see the humor value in the character, which seems to be more important than anything else right now. I mean, would you call Jillian, Santino, The Bellas, or Hornswoggle “wrestlers”? They’re more like props than anything else now. So I assumed he had a strong future in being a backstage joke on Raw.


Now: He was recently eliminated for losing too damn much. He then pulls a heel turn, blaming the fans for making him lose too much. You know, this ain’t the first time I heard that one, and it never makes sense. Is there a belief among face wrestlers that we like seeing our favorite wrestlers lose on a regular basis? That would explain the “Hometown Curse” fan law, I guess.


Admitting, the elimination was a little surprising to me. Least it is to anyone who recognizes that this is not a real reality show. Sheffield was the most advertised of the bunch. Seriously, most commercials I saw for the NXT began with “He’s a corn-fed meathead…” So I was surprised that they would let go their most advertised rookie so early… not that this show makes any sense.


Future: He’s back in FCW and turned full heel as of this writing. I assume he’ll continue there, come back as Regal’s new protégé in a stable of big huge dudes, and I really don’t care. I don’t like him and don’t see why WWE keeps him… that being said, expect him to get a Sheamus like push.


            Anyway, cue the lousy music! It’s NXT! This week’s show comes to you from a kitten being eaten by an iguana… SNAP! Maturity FTW!


            They show a recap of last week’s abortio- err, show. Interesting note, WWE cuts out roughly 90% of Michael Tarver’s promo in the recap, so it only shows him saying “You should eliminate me.” Nice to know Vince is looking to rewrite history even in the present.


            WWE once again tries something new this week with this program. It’s really nice to know WWE went into this show with some kind of plan (not!). Admittingly, I think it’s a step in the right direction as it actually involves the Pro’s doing something on this show! Pros come out, and like Big Brother, set up on the top of the ramp way to watch the rookies during their matches and to help make their decisions.  


            Striker is there to be a black hole of charisma, and asks the Pro’s what they are looking for. Miz says he’s looking for someone who has the potential to double WWE’s audience. Regal says he’s looking for adaptability, which he says is crucial in WWE.  Humorously, he brings himself up as an example, telling how he was a serious threat one moment and acting like a joke the next. CM Punk states his moral compass prevents him from speaking to the crowd, and then says thank you as if he was going to leave… except he stays. Christian wants someone to capture the imaginations of the WWE, which leads to a humorous interaction with Regal. Matt pretty much says, “Dude, all our answers are going to be similar, this is a waste of time” pretty much, and says he’s looking for the rookie with potential. Jericho sums it up the best by saying he’s waiting to see someone who makes him want to spend money to see them.


            Striker then says the contest will start… next week! No seriously, its next.




            Story of this match was that Punk pretty much washed his hands of this guy, while Jericho stood by his. Honestly, this was a really good much, with some good reversals by both.


            Jericho has a solid career as a manager when his career starts winding down. His constant yelling about how awesome Barrett is always hysterical.


            End comes when Young gets crotched on the ropes and gets kicked in the head for good measure. Fireman’s Slam and this one is over.




Barrett is now 7-4

Young is now 7-4 as well.


            Darren, it was nice knowing ya.


            We have a pro’s package on Otunga. Once again, pretty honest. Everyone states that out of all the rookies, Otunga has the best character, which is true. His work thus far, including as Raw Host, was great. They are pretty harsh about his wrestling skill. Punk makes a comment that he cringes watching him wrestle cause he thinks he’s going to kill someone; which is a funny comment considering this is wrestling and you’d think that’s the point in a wrestling match, ya know?


            COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jordan problem #101


“First off, who the hell is Jordan Hule? Reading not your best subject, Malculm?”


            Yeah, my bad here.  I could make excuses, like how according to Microsoft Word Huie is still spelled wrong, but I messed up. My apologies Huie, as that was my mistake.


            I’d also like to apologize to the rest of your family as well. Heard your brother Dewey and Louie were also pretty upset by the misspelling. I’ve already received various angry emails from your uncle Donald and Scrooge, so trust me it’s the last time I make that mistake again.


            Back from commercials… with Tarver and Bryan in the ring? Striker in with them to embarrass them I suppose. Striker first asks Tarver, after thinking on it a week, his thoughts on the elimination. He actually cuts a very logical promo about how he was told that the wrestlers were told they would be picked based on their skill… not thanks to some faceless members of WWE Management. Good point.


            Striker follows up with if he felt he eliminated himself with his actions, both with the comment and his non-participation in the challenges. Tarver says his actions were to stand out amongst the other rookies. Okay, this time I have to side with WWE here. Standing out by sucking is really crappy strategy.  Look up William Hung if ya don’ believe me.


            Tarver starts to let rip a decent promo… till Striker earns that paycheck by interrupting and ending yet another rookie’s promo. Its like he has a quota or something.


            Up next is Daniel Bryan(Striker refusing to call him Bryan Danielson) and Daniel… pretty much cuts the best promo I’ve ever seen him do. Everything that he’d been holding in till this moment, he let out, and that moment was awesome. If you’re a card-carrying member of the IWC, it was like Bryan was channeling you. In this promo, Daniels says it all:


1.      That Vince and the WWE only back stars they create

2.      The politics backstage

3.      How WWE only pushes monsters

4.      That everyone knows he’s the best wrestler here

5.      Says he’s a better wrestler than Miz

6.      Yells at Striker for constantly interrupting him (YES!)

7.      Cole being a Vince McMahon puppet


            Seriously, a recap doesn’t do this promo justice, it’s a must watch. At the end, Bryan actually is yelling at and even slaps Cole in the head before being separated by Striker. Josh consuls Cole as we head to commercials!


COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jordan problem #243


“This feud didn’t begin with…”


            Okay fine, didn’t really do the research here, but can anyone blame me? In simplicity, it’s an argument over whether or not Party B is in fact “a whore”. Pardon me for not doing advanced research on this one, and summing it up.


            So this feud was really Jordan requesting a link be posted on Halo’s column, she posts the bad link, so Jordan pulls on her hair, so Halo steals his favorite toy, and then Jordan starts picking on her… So, yeah, pretty adult stuff here.  I may or may not be paraphrasing here.


            Tell ya what, for those who are interested, here’s the story from Jordan himself:


“This feud didn't begin with me calling her out as the whore that she is. I asked her to put the direct link to the forum in her recap like I did, because the link from the main site doesn't work. She complies by putting the link from the main site in her recap, which doesn't work, therefore defeating the entire point. So I insinuated that she was an idiot in my recap after that, but wasn't going to get mad about it because, y'know, tits. She responds by telling me she's gunning for me, to which I calmly responded to by calling her a whore as many times I could without getting tired of it.”


            And there ya have it…


            We’re back, and we have a replay of Cole getting smacked around, which makes this show the greatest wrestling show on this week. Plus Cole being pissed, given how often I see him goofy happy is actually very entertaining! With this, we head to the next match!




            Cole lasts three minutes before leaving the broadcast. This night gets better and better!


            Once again, this was a really nice match. Very fast paced, and I even got to see some new moves from Slater, with the exception of a finisher of course. End comes with a kick to the face of Slater followed by the 450 Splash.


WINNER: Justin Gabriel


Justin is now 6-3

Slater is now 5-5


            We have a taped segment from Skip Sheffield. He feels that he was singled out and eliminated because the Pro’s were scared of him.  Ya Skip, that makes sense. Lord knows if I were any of them, I’d want to eliminate the guy that was 2-5 against rookies. That’s probably why the 0-10 Daniel Bryan was eliminated as well.


COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jordan problem #369


“I did NOT call her a whore 1,123,255,999 times! I only called her a whore 15 times! ....I counted.”


            Dude, have you read your columns? Trust me, the 15th time felt like the 1,123,255,999th time.


            We’re back, and its time for video packages of shows that people actually watch. First up is the Cena-Batista package. I may get hate mail for this, but I’ve enjoyed this feud. Are these guys great wrestlers? No, not really. But the feud has been told really well, and it makes sense to me. I even found myself rooting for Cena against Dave; who has been great as a heel. Plus they’re matches have been really entertaining, as well. So I’m very much looking forward to Over the Limit.


            Which segues into the Over the Limit Card, and Michael Cole returning to commentary, really ticked off. This is the best use of Michael Cole that I’ve seen in awhile, though it makes me wonder is Bryan technically the heel in this instance?


            Card looks really interesting, and looks good for a watch.

-Edge vs. Orton has been built up amazingly, and could launch Orton to the moon if done right.

-Cena vs. Batista looks great too, as I said.

-Mysterio vs. Punk could still the show, but chances are it won’t due to time constraints. But it should still be good.

-Big Show vs. Swagger… I have to agree with Jordan here. It’s been a weird build because Show has been acting like a complete tool to Swagger for no reason. Really bad storytelling here as Swagger is literally just minding his own business and then Big Show comes out to be a jerk. But Show is the face here because picking on the unpopular kid is cool.


            Darren Young package, in which the Pro’s tell 300 different ways of saying “He has potential.” They say he has two issues, 1) He has yet to really express himself and 2) he has Punk as a Pro.


            Striker is up with the pros to tell them its time for there decision… right after this!


COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jordan Problem #444


“Cameron Burge is NOT Hulk Hogan. He’s the Ultimate Warrior at best.”


            So what does that make you? Dino freakin Bravo?


COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Jordan Problem #500


“ “Great" Scott isn't nice. You remember how in my Extreme Rules recap, I mentioned how kittens were fed to iguanas if we didn't state the location of the shows? He's the one that does it!”


            HEY! Great Scott is a Saint! You leave him alone!


            Striker is back with the big drumroll and reveal of the pro’s poll. It’s pretty academic who’s leaving, however.


#1 – Wade Barrett

#2 – David Otunga

#3 – Heath Slater

#4 – Justin Gabriel

#5 – Darren Young




Beginning: Thought he looked like a black John Cena.


Now: Ummm, still looks like a black John Cena?


            I have no complaints really about this elimination, as the character really didn’t do anything for me. Considering the erractic writing for this show, this is about the most they could hope to accomplish for the character.


Future: I’m hoping for a Summerslam Main Event of Cena vs. Cena, paying homage to the Taker vs. Taker match. Aside from that, I don’t see big things for him.


            So John Cena’s brotha from another mutha has been eliminated. Striker goes to get his thoughts and decides instead of potentially interrupting him, just giving him the mic and letting him talk to the pros.


            Young takes the mic and powerwalks over to the rookies, and says.. thank you. He actually cuts a pretty nice promo about how this is his dream and he thanks the pro’s and the WWE for the opportunity. If this were 1985, this would have been a great face promo that the crowd would have cheered for. However, this is 2010. So the crowd poo’d all over this. Which makes them look like real A-holes here. Here’s a guy who’s dream has been destroyed and we’re seeing what maybe the last moments of his WWE career… and the crowd starts singing “Na na na na… na na na na… heeeeey, Good bye!” at the poor guy. Stay classy, un-named town.


            After a pause caused of disbelief I assume, Darren swears it’s not the last time they’ve seen him and he leaves. After letting us know that there will be another elimination next week, we fade to black and end the show.


            Wow, what a turn around! WWE really needed to bring it to win me back for this show, and they made some great progress. The matches were pretty nice this week, and they even had the pro’s actually participate in the show! Plus the stuff with Bryan was gold, and has me anxious to see what’s next. This was definitely a good show!


BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD: Absolutely Daniel Byran exploding! If you haven’t seen it yet, find it. It’s pure gold! Honorable mention given to Cole being asked, “What the fingers say to the face?” “SLAP!”


AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: How about the crowd tonight? Darren Young’s dream is over, and ya make fun of him? Jerks!


WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: Jordan, you’re coming for me? Next time you’re in Manchester, NH; you look me up. Cause its on like neck bones, Sucka!




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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).