TWF NOW HIRING!
That's right, TWF is currently looking to hire a brand new Recapper for WWE Pay-per-views, and not just because as of the moment, our regularly scheduled Recapper flagrantly no-showed Backlash and our streak of never missing one WWE PPV in 5 years is now in serious jeopardy! Not even!
So, if you're interested in taking over this slot effective immediately-- a slot that besides Satires, is our number-one hit-getter-- here are a few things to consider before submitting your work for consideration:
-Giving the actual finishes is extremely important. Just saying "Shawn Michaels beat Batista" is not good enough. We need details. An explanation of how the match went and how it exactly finished, important high spots and things that were integral to the story. You see, this is important, because a lot of TWF readers may not actually order the shows because they've spent the required forty dollars on beer, porn or gateway drugs, and come to us instead to tell them what they've missed, to make an allusion to someone being fucked in the ass, and subsequently giving our take on the show they avoided so they could continue physically destroying themselves and their futures.
Now, you don't necessarily have to give full blow-by-blow, because holy shit, you have got to wonder about a guy who writes down every hold. If you write that someone was Irish-whipped more than once, dear god. And if you piss while urinating, it means you have inoperable cancer and are going to likely die. This however is not related to the Recapping. So no worries. Unless said dying happens on a Sunday, which in that case, could you be anymore selfish?
That said, if you seriously want to do blow-by-blow, who am I to argue? I mean that seriously. I've destroyed a good number of brain cells due to a life of poor decision-making and no longer remember who or where I am.
-Humor is encouraged. You don't have to be the funniest dude in the world, nor do you have to try too hard to "get over", however, sarcasm and wit is necessary. Especially observations. Try and see something in what you're recapping that no one else does. Issues like how the more seemingly orange you show up for your PPV World Title match, the more likely you are to either leave with or lose your respective World Title. Try to make the recap your own. You don't necessarily have to be just like me or anyone else, but a certain style is encouraged. You can like what you like, and love what you love. But don't beat people over the head with it. Just try to be lighthearted and not take everything super seriously. Gimmickry like hotlinked pictures or gags is encouraged. Have fun with it. And stop masturbating under your desk so much. You probably think we can't see you. We can. Knock it off.
-Spell check your work. No one will take a Recap about half-naked men play-fighting seriously if it is spelled incorrectly or possesses huge grammatical errors. We don't need a 2nd Canadian Bacon. Read your work over, and edit it accordingly before submitting it. With a gogoplata.
-Keeping your (once a month) deadline is incredibly important. You can by all means miss a Recap every once in a while if something comes up like the death of a loved one, the death of a hated one, a concurrent life sentence for murder, but 24 hours notice is always required, or you will be seriously chastised and perhaps even pegged for release like you were a barbaric 1500's Scotsman in modern times taking in a rival promotion during the biggest weekend of your company's existence. No-showing isn't fair to other writers who have to fill in for these missed columns on such short notice instead of doing nothing valuable or worthwhile with their time like they would be doing normally.
Ok, that's it.
Send in your BACKLASH 2008 RECAP HERE, and I'll post the best one, and put you over with all the reverence and accolades that a dude who reports mundane details of undead career morticians who look like S& M cowboys deserves. Plus, I'll give you a copy of Smackdown vs. RAW 2008. I still have one Xbox 360 copy and a PS2 version. If you're awesome, I'll mail it to you. And then laugh at Joe because he'll be pissed that you'll still get it before he ever gets his DVD.
Chief Inspirational Officer Of Obscenely Important Stuff Pertaining To Things I Can't Remember.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).