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By Anthony Dean
Welcome to NO WAY OUT 2009, where I'd probably recycle the joke about their being no way out of paying the cable bill, but I'm poor and it's 2009, so instead I guess there's no way out of...watching this with below average sound and video quality and the security that it won't just cut out at any moment, sending me scrambling to find another, um, "channel." Notice the multiple meaning word I chose to use there with "channel" and the sly way I quoted it? Yeah. That's how you know I won't ever incriminate myself, and thus will be around doing this for years and YEARS and where the FUCK are you going?

We are LIVE in Seattle, Washington, home of grunge, lattes, and rain! This should certainly be an uplifting show. And with Mike Knox in the Main Event? Whoo boy, we're all going to be shooting ourselves up with unfathomable amounts of heroin with all the enthusiasm of some career existential beat poet who just looked around and, for the first time in his life, saw who he was by the end of this night, I'm telling you.

To start things off, we get reminders of why we "procured" this show tonight in the form of video packages. Oh, God, yes. After those are wrapped, we jump right into things with the Smackdown Elimination Chamber. Huh. You'd think they'd put the one with Mike Knox on first. I mean, come on, Mike Knox is in it. I swear to God I'll never get over that, by the way. What, was BAM NEELY already booked losing to some developmental scum in the dark match? I would never pay for a Pay Per View with Mike Knox on it. Or at all. Shit.

WWE Champion Edge vs Triple H vs Jeff Hardy vs Vladimir Kozlov vs Big Show vs Undertaker, Elimination Chamber Title Match

For some reason I've been thinking that Matt Hardy was in this match. So, what, he loses the ECW Championship, then costs his brother the WWE Championship, then jumps over to Smackdown to...do nothing and have the fans hate him? Solid plan, Matt. You'll be World Champ in no time. Literally no time, because it's never fucking happening.

Anyway, with Matt not here to taste Jeff's rage, he instead targets Edge, which is convenient, as they're both starting off. He starts off with fast-paced, low impact offense until Edge stops that shit with a boot. Edge then takes control, picking up pin attempts as Big Show smiles on from his pod. Jeff is an isolated trailer of flames as he makes his comeback, eventually hitting a Twist of Fate before going up top and of course missing the Swanton. Spear attempt is countered with a rollup that gets...three ?! Holy shit. EDGE IS ELIMINATED. Wow. Didn't see that coming, and neither did Edge, given his wide-eyed fish face. Given that Hardy-Hardy with the belt on the line would be terrible because, like I said, Matt Hardy's never getting that fucking belt, all I can say is enjoy your *new* title, Trips! Big Show and Triple H are laughing at Edge while Undertaker stares on indifferently and Kozlov looks angry and mildly confused, like all immigrants.

Kozlov is out next and dominates Hardy, hitting his headbutt that I guess is his finisher. Jeff gets bumped all around the steel portion of the ring and the chain wall before placing him in the corner and kicking the shit out of him. Kozlov then busts out a legitimate wrestling move, shocking everyone with a Fallaway Slam for two. Reverse bearhug on the ground now. SHADES OF KOZLOV-TRIPLE H~! You know, the one that was really long, boring, and terrible. Hardy soon escapes and manages to hit his big corner kick and the Whisper in the Wind for two just as Big Show enters. He and Kozlov team up to take on Hardy until Kozlov, letting his violent, misunderstand foreign ways get the best of him, then betrays his ally with a headbutt to the chest. They kind of clumsily fight until Triple H enter next. He is all over both Show and Kozlov, busting Show's spine. He then sends Kozlov out and over and goes for a Pedigree on Kozlov on the steel, but Big Show saves him for some reason, I'm sure, by attacking Trips. Show th en takes on Trips and Kozlov fights Hardy as Undertaker gets restless, leading to a big Taker chant.

Big Show completely destroys Trips here, hitting a press slam and knocking him out to the steel area before slamming him into the wall. Jeff then tries to take on Show, but he has none of that shit and lays them both down before going for a big splash, but they both move and he lands on the steel. HHHardy then take on Kozlov until Jeff randomly decides to hit Trips with a Whisper in the Wind before they can eliminate Kozlov. Where is the trust in wrestling? Taker makes his entrance here and, being that he's face, his targets are Big Show and Kozlov. Standard Taker fare vs the heels, then goes for the usual ridiculous double chokeslam that never works ever unless the guys are like two cruiserweights who clealry jump up anyway on Hardy and Hunter, but Big Show decides to save them by attacking Taker. He and Show go at it until Undertaker puts his ass down with a huge DDT off the ropes onto the steel portion of the ring. He then goes for Trips, but Kozlov ain't nevuh scaid and wants to go with Taker. They fight in the corner, with Taker managing to turn it into a Last Ride for the elimination. VLADIMIR KOZLOV IS ELIMINATED.

Big Show is back dominating, putting down Taker and Trips before trying for Hardy, but he manages to escape Show's grasp, since it's kind of hard to grab somebody when your hands are just two frying pans clinking together, and Jeff climbs on top of a pod, only to get crotched, but Taker makes the save with a big superplex on Show. Pedigree follows, and Hardy comes flying off the top with a Swanton Bomb, which finishes Big Show off. BIG SHOW IS ELIMINATED. Taker then goes for an Old School on Jeff, but Trips stops that shit, only for Jeff to repay him the favor soon after by flying at him. Taker then grabs Hardy and plants him with a Tombstone for three. JEFF HARDY IS ELIMINATED. Taker and Trips are left, and they go right to it, back and forthing until Taker catches Trips off the top (yes) with a chokeslam for two. Spinebuster picks up a nearfall for Triple H soon after, with both men trading finishers. Taker first hits a Tombstone on Trips, but he gets his foot on the bottom rope, because apparently they now have rope breaks in Elimination Chambers. Then, Triple H planted Taker with a Pedigree, but he kicked out on his own accord. They start to slug it out, with Trips beating Taker down in the corner, but Taker emerges by hoisting Hunter up for the Last Ride. Trips quickly drops out and scores another Pedigree for the win.

Winner and NEW WWE Champion : Triple H

JR says Taker and Trips put their SOULS on the line in this match. God will never forgive Triple H for that blasphemous Pedigree! Taker leaves without incident as Triple H furiously stares after him with what is apparently "a look of respect." Enjoy lucky number 13, Trips. You finally got Hogan beat, so whoo's left?

IN THE BACK NOW Edge demands Vickie restart the match. As if the show has time for three Elimination Chambers. They can't cut the ECW match! Vickie basically says no because Edge is shit, which hurts him deeply, but she apologizes and soothes his poor, giant gaping asshole of a soul.

Cole and King introduce us to a Shane-Orton video package that segues into a music video for Randy Orton set to a fairly gay song. This would all be okay if it weren't just so unbelievable. A group of wrestlers get to go around just assaulting various administrative officials of the company, even going so far as to putting the owner in the hospital? Come on. If you want revenge, how about you take away the dude's source of income and perhaps freedom since, you know, he's kind of a violent criminal? And yes, I am aware that I'm a huge faggot for over-analyzing a wrestling angle, so just go ahead and send that derogatory email that I know you've already got written out straight to yourself, WWE-Mike483. There is no WWE-Mike483. Anyway, now Orton is alone in the back, staring at the camera. I guess he decides to try to improve his promos by emulating Scott Hall tonight, and no, there isn't any bottle in his hand or vomit on his shirt. He says "Ay, Shane...Ay, Shane, lissen up." He asks how Vince is doing and says tonight he will watch on helplessly as his only son cries and gets taken apart "piece...by.........piece." Ol' Rands won't stop until he destroys the entire McMahon family for some reason. Then he'll go on to main event Wrestlemania. Which he already gets to do anyway. I have no fucking clue what is going on here. Match time.

"Randay Ortah" enters alone to silence from the crowd with the atmosphere of what appears to be solemnity and respect, or complete apathy. The audio quality's too shitty for me to really try to tell the differences in the silence apart. Let's say apathy because I'm supposed to be pessimistic and overly critical. Randy, you can tell he really wants to be a legend because of the way his entrance length is now comparable to that of Triple H or The Undertaker. He finally stands in the ring seething, unmoving, unflinching, letting the fierce tension build. And then HEEERE COMES THE MOOONAAAAY! hits and Shane busts out dancing. Are you fucking kidding me. Stephanie is watching in the back intently, hands clasped. Why she doesn't get her four by four ass out there and do something to counteract Priceless' inevitable interference is beyond me. Like you're any safer alone in a back room almost identical to the one you were attacked in, what, a week ago?

Randy Orton vs Shane McMahon, NO DQ Match

Shane lands a quick couple of jabs to start off and he continues to keep Orton at bay with flurries of punches. Orton soon stops that shit though by beating in Shane's face until he's on his knees, but he surprises Randy by sending him outside and following up with a baseball slide. He follows out and pulls out a particle board table and solid aluminum trashcan, heinous violence to ensue for sure, but Orton hits his neckbackbreaker and takes over before any of it can be distributed. He sends Shane into the apron and then back in the ring where he removes a turnbuckle pad and follows through with the Irish whip into the exposed corner. Then Orton just kind of kicks him for a while, eventually out of the ring. This is so fucking boring. Some sort of extreme violence or storyline twist is the only way this match can be redeemed. Shane obliges on the request for violence by popping up as Orton took a break from posturing to follow him out and laying into Randall with a kendo stick. O'Mac reenters the ring, lighting Orton up about a dozen times with a few seriously nasty shots. Orton rolls out but Shane follows and "throws his body and caution to the wind" with a clothesline. A regular clothesline. I guess for a forty-something overweight corporate exec that's pretty um. It's pretty, ah. You know what, just fuck Michael Cole.

TV monitor shot busts Orton open and Shane lays his prone body onto an announce table before going back into the ring and climbing a turnbuckle when Priceless hits the ring. Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase, Jr are all over Shane until he diverts a chairshot into Dibiase and DDTs Rhodes onto the chair. He then sets Cody up with a trashcan and perfectly hits the Coast To Coast (w/o George Noory.) He resumes his initial position on the turnbuckle and dives at Orton, who of course at this point moves and leaves Sha ne in a sweaty gasping heap among slabs of the broken plastic table. Orton however isn't much better off as his face is fucking covered in blood. He then tends to Cody, who is unconscious from Shane's leap, and vehemently orders TED to take him to the back. Enraged, he then returns his focus to Shane, who is slowly climbing into the ring at probably the worst moment he possibly could've picked to garner Orton's attention. Orton grabs him upon reentry and connects with the elevated DDT for three consecutive two's. His next course of action involves choosing the precut thin fake wooden table over the chair, standing it up in the ring. Snap superplex follows and Shane goes through as Randy picks up another two. Orton snaps here, hilariously choking Shane and beating his head into the broken wood before unleashing the unbridled fury of the GARVIN STOMP. This, unsurprisingly, doesn't score the pinfall. What are you going to try next, the fucking Alabama Slam? He instead chooses the SOCCER PUNT, but Shane cuts him off with a spear, finishing the trifecta of oversold and unbelievable finishers with perhaps the most ridiculous one ever. Shane then lays into Orton with a Garvin Stomp, only instead of using his foot, he uses a chair. That was pretty awesome. Regular old headshot chairshot puts Orton down and Shane gears up for a soccer punt of his own, but he runs right into a surprise RKO FTL.

Winner : Randy Orton

Randy has a hard time standing after the match, eventually limping away without incident. Shane then lays on the mat, hand outstretched and grasping toward Orton. Jesus. Masturbatory Vince McMahon-Wrestlemania video package follows, giving us a history of Wrestlemania and how far its fallen from grace over the past twenty-five years. An equally pointless segment follows in the form of an ECW Title Match. Swagger enters and gives a little salute to the Wrestlemania sign, as if an ECW Title match is ever fucking making it onto a Mania card. This match is apparently based on the fact that Hornswoggle once stole Swagger's belt, and thus, this thing shouldn't break five minutes.

Finlay w/ Hornswoggle vs ECW Champion Jack Swagger

Finlay dominates early on, pounding Jack's back with crabs. I tried to make that a gay STD joke or something. Pretend it worked. Grisham says Swagger has accomplished more already than most superstars do in their entire career. Unless he's counting like Braden Walker and shit as "superstars" that is extremely false. Anyway, okay short match, nothing special really happens and I doubt anyone cares, so. They basically did submission attempts on each other until Swagger just got sick of it and hit a gutwrench powerbomb to win. I don't give a shit.

Winner and STILL ECW Champion : Jack Swagger

Hornswoggle took a bump off the apron during the match, and post-match they close up on him gripping his leg, and I notice they've go thim in fucking children's velcro shoes. Come on now.

King Cole gives us grave news, Shane O'Mac has been fading in and out of consciousness and taken to a local medical facility. We then head to the back to see Shawn Michaels silently praying in the dark before we get a video package detailing what led to his match. HBK's got a cowboy hat with his logo on it. Is that for sale? It just seems like a pretty niche market, hick Christian wrestling fans who live in states where wearing a cowboy hat just around is socially acceptable, like Texas or Tennessee. Actually, I guess they're pretty on top of things.

The general match history is that Shawn Michaels somehow lost all his money a few months ago due to THE ECONOMY (that's all the background we get, and I swear to God if I hear one more word about the fucking economy I am going to puke blood, TM Bill Hicks) and JBL, rich stockbroker that he is, was somehow completely unaffected by THE ECONOMY (BLAAARGH) and hired Michaels to basically be his bitch. And then, after doing that and having everything go perfectly his way, he's agreed to this match where if Michaels wins he'll get all the money JBL said he'd pay him and be freed from his contract, whereas if JBL wins he gets full copyright usage of Shawn Michaels' name and likeness, which he kind of already has now anyway. They tout this as the biggest match of Shawn's career, and to illustrate this, Michaels's hot ass wife in a tight ass t-shirt is ringside. Awesome, awesome. And hey, for any particularly creepy reslin fans out there, she's crying, so if you want to get some screenshots you can maybe pretend it's cum and masturbate to it. You're welcome, every single reader currently reading. Especially you.

JBL w/ cowboy hat w/o logo vs Shawn Michaels w/ cowboy hat w/ logo & also REBECCA MICHAELS

They start off slow, with JBL yelling that one mistake is all he needs. Michaels soon tires of JBL's taunting and snaps, laying into Bradshaw with punches. SHADES OF JOEY STYLES~! JBL runs out and flashes Michaels a shit-eating grin, so Michaels follows out, but JBL is there with a chair...and hands it to him. Michaels pauses, then throws down the chair and just punches him. Bradshaw gets chased back inside and Michaels goes to work on him with pinning attempts and leg attacks. Back to back Figure Four and Crossface has no effect on JBL, as after he reaches the ropes and stands, he just chucks Michaels back outside again and follows out. He goes to roll HBK back in and it's here I notice JBL's ass cheeks are kind of sagging out of his tights. Yep. Back inside, six straight elbow drops get him a two count as we get another flash of Michaels' wife's cumshot. Yep...

JBL stays on HBK with shit, just shit, you're much accustomed to it by now I'm sure. Clubs and bearhugs and all of that, and by all of that I mean that's it, that's all he did during his five minute advantage. A swinging neckbreaker off a whip gets things back in Michaels' favor, and he starts in with a few signature spots, until he decides on doing the exaggerated turnbuckle bump. Here JBL sets him up high but the superplex is countered, but the follow-up elbow drop is also dodged. Clothesline From Hell levels Michaels out of nowhere but I don't think this even scored a one count. He hits another and it sends Michaels flying out to the apron, where JBL nudges him out of the ring. The Shaw is content to just squat and wait for the countout, but Michaels suddenly hops up at eight and slides in at nine, where he immediately resumes being dead. That was ridiculous. JBL tosses Shawn out once more and follows out to staredown Shawn's cloudy-eyed wife. He lifts Shawn's head up to her face but she hilariously decks him, sending him reeling. Michaels then is rejuvenated suddenly for some reason I guess and chases him back in the ring where he's running all over the place with scoop slams and Lou Thesz presses. Elbow drop connects and what the fuck, this is terrible. I never want to hear Shawn Michaels ever talk about ring psychology, or selling, or anything. He nails the superkick for the win.

Winner : Shawn Michaels

Michaels goes out to lift up Rebecca, giving us a nice shot of her awesome hickenbottom. I don't know. They kiss and pose and remind everyone how nice it is to be beautiful and white and Christian and rich. Since I can't really relate to much of that, I guess I'll just live my happiness through them and buy myself an HBK cowboy hat. Thank you, WWE.

Chris Jericho gets an interview in the back because he's the only credible challenger in Raw's Elimination Chamber tonight. OR SO WWE WOULD LEAVE YOU TO BELIEVE. Mike Knox, new World Champ. I'm calling it, motherfuckers. Jericho spends the majority of this interview trashing Ric Flair and ripping stock nihilistic terms from Raven. "I'm going to prove to all these hypocritical sycophants that it is my destiny to circumvent the acupunctures of the docile masses." I may have gotten that wrong, it's been awhile since I've heard a Raven promo. And also I'm retarded and confuse large words with other large words that I only know by phonetics, not definition, apparently. Cole says 67% of the time, a title has changed hands in an Elimination Chamber, so Cena has the ODDS AGAINST HIM. Which actually means they're in his favor, but regardless, I think they forgot to factor in the statistical probability of Kofi Kingston, Mike Knox, or Rey Mysterio ever winning a World Title (that being 0%, 0%, and Never The Fuck Again, respectively) and they also must have left out the Kane variable here. What's that motherfucker been in, pretty much all of them? And WHEN was his first, last, and only title reign, like 1998? Kane severely needs to get his shit together.

World Heavyweight Champion John Cena vs Chris Jericho vs KOFI KINGSTON vs MIKE KNOX vs REY MYSTERIO vs KANE, Elimination Chamber Title Match

Look at how many names in this match are capitalized to illustrate ridiculousness. Lookit. What the fuck is this joke of a match doing on the card at all, let alone in the main event slot? Oh, shit! Just now as Kofi was making his way to the ring, Edge assaulted him before cracking his head with a chair onto the steel steps. He then charges into the ring and hops into a pod as Rey Mysterio runs out to hold Kofi and demand that they "get some help out here." Thanks, Rey. Mysterio then tries to pry open Edge's new pod, but the doors are sealed. Amidst the chaos, Chris Jericho's music hits and he comes down to the ring, indifferent to the ensuing petty bullshit. So I guess this thing is about to go on with Edge in it now. Thank fucking God. Dude's moving in on Jericho's savior gimmick here. What a great guy. Anyway, bell.

Jericho and Rey start off. Jericho's got maybe three inches on Rey. Three. Maybe. Mysterio doesn't let this stop him from staying in control, soon hitting a flying senton on Jericho on the steel portion of the Chamber. Y2J however soon dodges a charging Rey in the corner and Rey cracks his head right into the glass of Kane's pod as Kane laughs on. Jericho picks up a two count as we get a shot of Edge hilariously testing the strength of the chains in his pod, looking like he has every right to be there. Mysterio does the old RVD climb up the chain wall after a catapult attempt, and he comes off the top with an amazing hurricarana that I can't believe didn't completely fuck up. Countdown soon after and it's Kane, who shows no bias in beating people up. Kane then turns to Edge in his pod for some reason, allowing him to get jumped from behind, but he shakes it off and continues to dominate the small guys like he has in almost every match of his career ever. I'm just saying, it's been ten years and he's still using the sidewalk slam, really? Adopt at least a new transitional move or something I mean goddamn. Rey eventually puts him down with a DDT but the Lionsault misses. Rey goes for a 619 on Jericho but Kane grabs him in a chokeslam, only for Rey to reverse it into a 619. Kane subsequently eats a Code Breaker and Rey hops to the top of a pod, coming down on Kane with a huge seated senton for three. KANE IS ELIMINATED.

Rey and Jericho recover on the ground as the caveman Mike Knox makes his entrance next. He levels everyone like Kane just did before him, and why not? It's not like this exact strategy just got the dude eliminated in under five minutes or anything. He slams Rey into the wall and Rey gets his foot caught, leaving him hanging upside down to get beat upon. However, after a couple minutes of squashing guys against the wall, he soon becomes overwhelmed by the double-team attack, and as Knox was holding up Mysterio, Jericho snuck in with a stealthy Codebreaker to end Knox's time in the main event for tonight and forever. MIKE KNOX IS ELIMINATED.

Edge is out now, but Rey flies into his pod as soon as it opens, laying into him to seek vengeance for his fallen, um, friend? Are Rey and Kofi friends? Let's pretend they are for the sake of sense. Jericho comes to the rescue of Edge by planting Rey as he was still seeking nonsensical vengeance. Fast-paced triple threat match here (in other words, like no triple threat match you've ever seen) with all attempting and failing to hit their finishers. Tower of Doon (Abbalah!) spot, and soon after Edge throws Jericho over the ropes onto the steel, and he's the only one left standing to face Cena, who enters now. Cena charges right at Edge, putting both him and the now-risen Jericho down. Five Knuckle Shuffle connects on Edge and Cena lifts him up for the FU or AA or whatever it is, but Jericho is in with another crafty Codebreaker, sending him falling into an unfortunate position in the ropes, where Mysterio hits a 619 and Edge follows through with the Spear to eliminate the champion. JOHN CENA IS ELIMINATED. Everybody in the ring looks shocked, until Edge's face turns into a creeping smile a la Jack Nicholson in The Shining. That's my second King reference this paragraph. Holy shit I'm a nerd. I apologize for nerding up this wrestling joke column, everyone.

So anyway, all three potential new champions go at it, dodging finishers until Mysterio reverses a Walls of Jericho attempt with a rollup for the elimination. CHRIS JERICHO IS ELIMINATED. Edge is ready behind Rey, signaling for the spear. Mysterio dodges and gets a rollup for a nearfall. Huge Rey chant as he hits a springboard crossbody for another two. Edge tries a sunset flip but Rey worms out and lands a kick to Edge's chest for another two count. Edge catches the springboard DDT but Rey counters to land the move anyway for yet another nearfall. Rey takes a second to try to cry some of the bitch out of him, allowing Edge to throw him out and over onto the steel floor. Powerbomb attempt gets countered into an X Factor for Rey, who proceeds to set Edge up for a reverse 619 that connects on the back of Edge's head. Rey then charges at Edge as he gets to his feet, but Edge lifts him up and propels him onward into the glass side of a pod. Edge goes back inside the ropes to wait in a corner as Rey recovers to drag his way back in. Edge then hits the Spear for the win.

Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion : Edge

Despite the fact that this makes no fucking sense at all, awesome. They replay how Edge "earned" his spot in the Chamber not twenty minutes ago by jumping Kofi. Although I guess with no GM and the McMahons concerned with more pressing issues, this being allowed to happen actually does make sense because, you know, who's gonna do something about it? Edge caresses his lips against the belt as the show goes off the air.

All-right, well, first off, the wrestling was good. Both Elimination Chambers featured good wrestling, Orton and Shane put on a good show, Michaels doesn't have bad matches, and ECW did what they could. So there's that. Next off, the angles were good, or at least intriguing. We have two new World Champions, both of which are on Smackdown. Michaels and JBL are finally through (I hope and assume.) And Orton knocked the shit out of another McMahon. Don't ask why or what for, he just did, go with it. However, I still kinda feel like this was sort of a piece of shit show. I mean, there were five matches, one of which featured Shane McMahon, one of which featured Mike Knox, and another that was from ECW. So right there, you know, not great. Michaels-JBL was a throwaway match with nothing special, and on the whole, nothing really felt special. Despite getting two new champions and entirely changing most previous dispositions toward Wrestlemania. I don't know. I guess it was all right. Maybe I'm just desensitized from all the recent title changes, or maybe it's the lack of good storylines, but overall it just wasn't very exciting. And again, I don't mean the wrestling. Great Chambers. Also, I miss seeing matches by guys I never otherwise get to see because I hate the TV shows, like Umaga and The Brian Kendrick and MNMT and CM Punk. Pay Per Views lately have had next to no midcard. I don't know if it's because there's too many titles or what, but it gets kind of old seeing the same combination of like eight or ten guys every single month. And no, just randomly throwing in Mike Knox and Kofi Kingston is not the answer. Especially the part about Mike Knox.

Anyway, not terrible by any means. Not wonderful. It was okay. And yes, the preceding paragraph was entirely necessary to justify my rating, and simply saving all of that and just saying "it was okay" is a terrible idea. This is why nobody ever asks you for any of your ideas, WWE-Mike483. Go suck a fuck. END SHOW.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).