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NO WAY OUT  2008
(02/17/08)

 

Hey there, kids! Wouldn’t you know it, but here I am, for another glorious PPV Rant. I didn’t plan on writing anything for TWF for a while ,but hey, life throws us some curveballs once in a while. For instance, the other day, I was in prison, and it turns out I left my wallet in the ball pit a Burger King after the police manhandled me – with excessive force, might I add – in to their squad car. I mean, seriously, is saying “You must be this low to plan with these balls” to a minor such a crime? Needless to say, without my wallet, I didn’t have any bail money. Then I called Sean, and he came through for me, on the condition that I write this rant. WELL THE JOKE IS ON YOU, SEAN. I didn’t *forget* my wallet… I’M JUST POOR! HA! SUCKS TO BE YOU!

 

But in all seriousness, we’ve got a long night a head of us. I haven’t seen this many barbaric competitors locked inside cages since I visited Michael Vick’s house! HA HA. TOPICAL HUMOR. MY GOD I’M WITTY.

 

CM Punk VS Chavo Guerrero

 

Alright. It’s official. It’s not “Extreme” Championship Wrestling, it’s “European” Championship Wrestling. Let’s face it – when your title matches curtain jerk (at best) PPV’s, get 8 minutes to blow off a feud, and never even had that good a build to begin with, you’re on D’lo Brown VS Val Venis circa 1998 levels.

You know what? You guys already know how this match went down. It’s only been happening for the last 6 weeks anyways. As such, I’m just gonna bitch about ECW, because frankly, it’s far more entertaining than making Chavo Guerrero bald jokes. (PS: He was!)

 

In the United States , it’s got a decent time slot on a shitty network. In Canada , it’s a horrible timeslot (Fridays at midnight) on a big network. However, there’s one constant across the board: No one gives a crap.

It’s not that I think ECW sucks. I think it’s got some good talent on the show, and I’m always a fan of good wrestling. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with ECW’s wrestling… but the fact that some people think it’s a legitimate brand. Look. It’s Velocity with a Title Belt. It’s OVW with a national TV deal. It’s Michael Hayes without a budget, resources, or a developed talent pool.

We all know that ECW isn’t going to end any time soon. The WWE does indeed make money off of it, and it’s another way for their talent to develop. All I’m asking is that people stop pretending like it’s even close to Raw or Smackdown levels, because if the WWE doesn’t, why should you?

 

Oh, and by the way, seeing Punk get booed for using the triple verticals is hilarious. Almost as hilarious as Chavo and Vicky Guerrero, the two people with perhaps the most sympathetic backstories in all of wrestling, trying to play evil villains. In the end, the dastardly Chavo Guerrero… umm… won clean with a frog splash. You know, I’ve always thought that move would have been better suited for a French dude. Oh well.

 

Winner and still ECW Champion: Chavo Guerrero

 

The Undertaker VS Batista VS MVP VS Finlay VS Big Daddy V (w/Matt Strier) VS The Great Khali (w/Fat Daivari)

 

Oh wow. Wow. If it was clear before, I think this matches proves exactly how thin the Smackdown Title scene is. And speaking of thin, I’m sad that Big Daddy V was actually able to fit inside a chamber. I was hoping he’s be smushed inside, pressing his flab up against the glass casing like the most disturbing funny face in the world. Why do I wish for these horrible things?

Batista and Taker start the match off, and I’m very sad that Taker didn’t end up in a pod. After all, it’s not every day you get to see a silent man wearing makeup and dyed hair *Actually* stuck inside a glass box.

 

Taker and DAVE settle absolutely nothing, so in comes Big Daddy V to meander about like a slightly perturbed elephant. Hilarious spot sees V throw Taker up against the cage, which apparently have “no give”… only for it to give out completely, thanks to some stage hand who clearly didn’t realize that locks go on stuff. Anyways, V eats a DDT for the elimination. Seriously, he ate the DDT. He’s gonna have some awkward bowel movements later.

 

Khali comes in and is all like “RAWR MY ONLY TALENT IS MY FREAKLISHLY ENORMOUS BODY”.. until Taker summons the power of jiu-jitsu and gogopowerrangersplata Khali in a quick tap out. Is this the same Khali who pinned the Undertaker clean with a chop?

 

Next in is Finlay, and holy crap, he just nailed Taker with the Celtic Cross. 1…2…. BAHAHAA, did you honestly think Taker would lose to Finlay? BAAAAAAHAHAAHHAAHA.

 

Speaking of poor transitional sentences, I can’t help but to notice that Michelle McCool is involved in the biggest undercard angle on Smackdown right now. I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve the role, I’m just saying it gets one thinking how she got the gig, as the WWE has dozens of attractive, fit, and not-at-all-stereotypical women who could take her role. It’s curious to note this, for she just happens to be reportedly bangin’ the backstage juggernaut, The Undertaker. But honestly, it’s a good political move. I hear Barack Obama is doing the same. I mean, the 28-54 year old male UFC-glove using, eye-liner wearing zombie demographic is a HUGE endorsement.

 

Nothing of note happens until MVP comes in, and he manages to get in a couple of good shots to DAVE and Taker, until Taker scares him to the top of a pod. Uh oh. This is got “Black dude is gonna die” written all over it. But enough of my diary, MVP gets “chokeslammed” off the top of the pod. Well, it looked better than Rikishi getting “chokeslammed” off the top of the Hell in a Cell to a nicely padded truck below. Then again, partly digested oysters vomited up from the guy of an overweight walrus looked better than that. Why am I talking about a PPV that’s over half a decade old? Because I’m that spectacular. Finlay covers to eliminate MVP.

 

Hornswaggle pokes his little head out to give some wood to Finlay. Oh man, I love that last sentence. Anywho, Finlay starts firing off shots likes he’s in a bell tower, but eventually Taker is all like “Alright rookie, you’ve had your time”, and Finlay is all like “I’ve been wrestling longer than you, asshole”, and Taker is all like “Oh, you’re right. Perhaps I should show more respect to my elde-“ CHOKESLAM ON THE STEEL. Finlay is eliminated.

 

So, it comes down to Taker and Michaelangelo’s DAVE. Geez. Didn’t see that one coming, said the porn star with a hint of sarcasm.

 

These guys continue to have an incomprehensible chemistry, and they proceed to have a nifty little sequence. The finish is one of the most original I’ve ever seen from Taker, as he avoids a lawn-darting into the cage by pushing back, pulling Batista with him, flipping over the ropes, into a quick Tombstone.

 

Winner, and number one contender for Smackdown: The Undertaker

 

Backstage, Edge is all concerned about facing Taker at Wrestlemania. Oh, come on Edge. It’s not like Taker is undefe-… oh, don’t worry, it’s not like he buries pe-… at least you might get put in to a nifty video package when Taker retires.

 

Ric Flair VS Mr Kennedy

 

Dear Ric,

You used to be awesome. Nowadays, your matches suck balls. Thanks for trying, though.

            Signed,

            Every wrestling fan ever.

 

 

To me, the Ric Flair Retirement angle is like the 7th Harry Potter book. Sure, everyone likes to talk about how much of a long run they’ve had, and how wildly successful it’s been, but no one is really willing to admit that they’re just getting a little tired of seeing 200 pages of back body drops then all of a sudden Voldemort gets chopped blocked and taps to the Figurus-Fourium. It’s like we are all in limbo , pretending to care about everything but truly, we just want to know how the hell the damn thing finally ends. As such, these throwaway PPV matches are just truly sidebars, like a game of quidditch, and no matter how promising it sounds, no one really cares that only Ric Flair could have a good match with a Nimbus 2000.

 

 
Anyways, for the love of god, it’s a post-awesome Ric Flair match. I mean, he’s been around for so long… he’s touched so many generations, I think the pope just appointed him as a cardinal. However, at this point, all we get is some back drops, suplexes that awkwardly land on your side, and about 67000 chops. Kennedy does the best he can, but unfortunately, Kennedy isn’t the greatest at carrying a senior citizen to a passable match. Pfft. And he calls himself a man.
 
Anywho, Ric gets worked on for the bulk of the match, then magically locks in the figure four for the submission victory. Gasp.
 
Winner: Ric Flair
 
World Heavyweight Championship: Edge VS Rey Mysterio
 
So, as you all know, Rey injured his bicep before this match. You know, Rey injuring his bicep is a lot like Droz injuring his ankle, Venus de Milo injuring her wrist, or me injuring my penis. Sigh.

But seriously, I love the Edge & Vicky Guerrero angle. I mean, where else in the world can you watch a horse and a cow suck face? And no, I’m not talking about www.horseandcowsuckface.com. Though, I’m upset no one had made that website yet.

 

Slackers. Get on it.

 

You know, the Rey injury is probably good for the science community. I mean, we all know that medical advancements are growing exponentially – especially micro surgery. Using little robots and such. Granted, on Rey, it’s “Regular” surgery, but hey, it’ll be good. The only question is where will we find midget doctors…

 

Ok, so I’m clearly just stalling, because this match is shorter than.. oh crap, I already made Rey short jokes. Bah. Oh hell, you know how it ends. Edge counters a springboard and gets the clean pin with a spear.

 

Winner and still world heavyweight champion: Edge

 

After the match, Rey is all like “Aye aye aye, me minueto bicepo es el injurdo”, and out comes THE BIG SHOW. He’s lost enough weight to consider his hands to be saucepans, instead of skillets. He can no longer push an egg through his rings. The good ol’ days are gone.. I guess we’ll just have to accept the fact that his body parts are just, sadly, regular body parts. Laaaaame.

Anyways, Big Show pesters Rey enough to draw the ire of FLOYD MAYWEATHER. Truth be told, this is pretty huge for the WWE, because Floyd Mayweather is a pretty awesome heel – his antics in the build against Oscar De La Hoya drew the biggest PPV numbers EVER. So, of course, the WWE is smart and plays him out to be a face. Bah.

 

Point is, Mayweather legitimately breaks Show’s nose. Oh well. It’s not like I could use it as a doorstop any more… hmph.

 

WWE Title: Randy Orton VS John Cena

 

INTROS:

Randy Orton:

Guitar twang… HEY… guitar riff….

You know, to me, this sounds more like some stoned out hippie kickin’ it around a camp fire and thinking some chord he just accidentally strummed is genius.

 

John Cena:

BRAAAAAP…. BAP BAP BADA DOOO!

By far, the funnest thing to write on a keyboard since “qwerty”.

 

You know, people generally have mediocre expectations for these two. I mean, both have good matches with good opponents, and both have shown flashes of brilliance, but for whatever reason, people have dismissed the notion that these two should have a great match together. On top of it, these two trained together in OVW. So, call me optimistic, but I feel these two should have some impressive chemistry, as their styles work well together.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, the above is a prime example of me lying through my teeth. I can’t believe you bought it. MORONS.

 

I’ll be honest, and the match is decent.. but I think it’s fair that it’s not the main event. It seems as if they were holding back, either for the main event, or because they don’t want to blow their load before Mania. Either way, it was relatively uninspired. My god, this match sounds like my sexual endeavors. Alright, I lie, this match lasted longer than 84 seconds.

 

The end of the match is so bullshit, I actually laughed. Randy RKO’d Cena on the floor, going for the countout win, but Cena got in. Orton couldn’t believe it, so he simply slapped the ref so he’d DQ him. You know, despite the fact it’s such a load of crap, it fits Randy perfectly, and you can’t deny that it makes sense. But, remember… you just paid $40 to see a DQ. Indeed it does make sense… and cents! Bahahaha. Haaaaaaaaaaah. HAAAAAAAH!

 

Winner via Disqualification: John Cena

 

Backstage, Hunter and Shawn share a package of Twix, go for a walk in the rain, and then make out. Isn’t that cute!

 

King and JR discuss the polling results, where 69% of the people voted AGAINST HHH winning the chamber match. Apparently, only cave dwellers and hermit crabs have WWE Mobile.

 

Raw Elimination Chamber: Chris Jericho VS Shawn Michaels VS JBL VS Umaga VS Triple H VS Jeff Hardy

 

As with any good Canadian kid, I love Chris Jericho. However, I don’t know anyone who thinks his return is anything beyond underwhelming. It’s been about as riveting as, say, JBL’s return. I guess it makes sense that these two got paired together, because no one can seem to get behind these two. That’s because JBL gets behind everyone!

 

Oh fuck off, that’s funny, and you know it.

 

HBK and Jericho start the match off, and I’m begging the powers that be to let these two feud ago. They have so much chemistry together, they for covalent bond. They’re like like a salt and a halogen. They’re like… of, shut up, chemistry jokes are awesome. I hate you all.

 

Umaga rushes in, and busts out a double Samoan Drop.

 

Side bar: If any of you guys read other wrestling websites (and seriously, if you’re coming here for your news fix, that’s kinda like watching Jon Stewart to get your news feed), you might have noticed a disgusting habit of various writers: whenever someone hits a Samoan drop, they utter the lines “HE’S NOT EVEN SAMOAN!” or something to that effect.

Well, listen up, douchebags. It’s not funny any more. It’s might have been chuckleable when it was first said, but when every other cockface lets it loose, I die a little inside. It’s like tht Rob Schneider character… you know, the “Makin’ coppiiieeeesss….” Schtick. How does that make you feel? I just compared you to ROB SCHNEIDER. I’m sorry I had to be so brutal, but, it’s the sad, sad truth.

 

Back to the match: Umaga gets locked in the Walls of Jericho, and HBK adds in THE MOVE THAT NEVER EXISTED. JBL enters the match to break up the reference to the GUY THAT NEVER EXISTED. You know what I love about JBL? His ability to drag a match down. God bless* that fellow.

 

*smite

 

Triple H makes his entrance, and JBL saves Jericho from a Pedigree with a clothesline from Hades, but Jericho nails JBL with a “Hey bend over while I land on my back and pretend it hurt you” to eliminate him.

Umaga is kickin’ all sorts of ass out there. Seriously, the running ass-ram on Jericho through the “bullet proof” glass? Now, that’s pretty cool, but it just makes me wonder why the hell the WWE feels the need to have bullet proof glass in the elimination chamber. I mean, it’s not like Booker T works for the company anymore.

 

Hardy comes in to the match, and Umaga quickly eats all the finishers from the remaining men to be eliminated, pinned by Jericho . Umaga looked like a grill-owning beast out there.

 

Jericho quickly gets hit with the Sweet Chin Music, and is eliminated. You know, if I was a wrestler, I’d have a move called “Sour Elbow Jam Session” or “Bitter Pancreas Mongolian Nasal Chants”. It’d be awesome. Don’t you look at me like that. Asshole.

 

Oh look at that… HHH casually pedigrees HBK and eliminated him. Whoopsies.

 

HHH and Jeff fight it out, and eventually Hunter pedigrees Hardy to elimin… WHAT THE FLYING FUCK. JEFF KICKED OUT. HOLY FUCKNUTS. JEFF HAS A CHANCE TO WIN THIS THING! I MEAN, HE KICKED OUT OF THE PEDIGREE! THE MOTHER FUCKING PEDIGREE!

 

Oh, he just got hit with another one on a chair, and Triple H wins. Whew. You had me goin’ there, WWE.

 

Winner, and going to Wrestlemania: Triple H. What a shocker!

 

Show Highlight: I’ll go with the main event. One of the better chamber matches, and none of the guys seemed out of place in there – which is more than we can say about the Smackdown chamber match. More specifically, Jeff kicking out of the pedigree just might be a bigger deal than pinning Hunter, and still shows that the WWE is serious about pushing the guy. Now only if a couple of people would get injured again so he has a chance. Honourable mention to the Big Show/Mayweather stuff – it was completely unexpected, and it came off pretty well.

 

Show Lowlight: The Flair/Kennedy match. Not so much for the quality – it wasn’t bad – but more so for the fact that no one believed Kennedy could conceivably win. I don’t know what they could do, but jobbing out Kennedy probably wasn’t the best bet.

 

Overall Show Thoughts: Pretty decent show. I mean, it’s No Way Out – the bar is set pretty low. We didn’t have anything horrible, and anyone who didn’t belong on the PPV didn’t last long. The main event is worth a second viewing, and even the SD match was pretty good – but it probably would have been better if it was just Batista/Taker in a cage match or something. I do have a gripe with Cena/Orton not feeling important, but I’ll let it slide. On the whole, nothing was offensive, and it set the stage nicely for Wrestlemania.

 

Thumbs up.

 

James Walker is pretty much the best thing ever. I mean, sure, there's been Terminator, grilled cheese sandwiches, and naked women storms, but TWF's resident comic relief takes the cake. Seriously, he actually goes to children's birthday parties and grabs it just as it's being brought out. Never the less, a proud owner of a Golden Tenay and an incredibly large penis, James Walker strives for one thing in life: RACIAL EQUALITY, NIGGUH.

 
** Pictures in this Recap created by Sean Carless.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).