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NO WAY OUT
(02/19/06)

By James Walker

 

If there’s one thing that the WWE does right, it’s piss me off. If there’s another thing it does right, is truly exploit the name of their Pay-Per-Views. The Royal Rumble, Survivor Series, and yes – even No Way Out all make sense. I mean, last year they had the Barbed Wire Cage match (though, adding the barbed wire to make sure there was “no way out” is sorta like saying “Fuck the wheel, we’ll get by with square tires”) and this year, there’s multiple examples!

 

1)     There’s “No Way” Kurt Angle is walking “Out” with a clean victory

2)     There’s “No Way Out” for the WWE with Mark Henry’s contract

3)     There’s “No Way Out” for Matt Hardy with his WWE contract

4)     There’s “No Way Out” of WWE’s ridiculous booking plans…

 

With that said, generic heel music hits, so that must mean it’s time for some Cruiserweight action.

 

Cruiserweight Championship: Gregory Helms VS Scotty 2 Hotty VS Funaki VS Super Crazy VS Psicosis VS Brian Kendrick VS Paul London VS Kid Kash VS Nunzio, Sudden Death Match

 

So, while the entire IWC speculated on the type of match this would be, we failed to think of the most obvious answer: THE EXACT SAME MATCH FROM LAST MONTH. On top of that, while pushing this match to be Helms VS Everyone, they forgot to mention Everyone was VS themselves, too. Y’know, I’m sick of trying to figure the WWE out, so let’s watch some 200 lbers kill themselves all the way back to Velocity, shall we?

 

Normally I don’t recap blow by blow, and by the pace this match is moving at, there’s no way in hell you’re getting it. Instead, I’ll just sit back here and occasionally mention that Kid Kash seems to neither be a child or rich. Helms smartly hides outside of the ring, while all the other cruisers go at it. They must have short attention spans or something – just like their stature! That joke would have worked better if they were juniors. Oh well. One neat spot sees the Mexicools do a crazy double flip forward rolling powerbomb on Kendrick, who was on the mat in the first place. Shit – I just started being serious. Uhh.. London lands a kick on Funaki that just might make his eyes go straight again. Ah, that’s better.

 

Y’ok, it’s time for the finish. Scotty lands the worm on Helms (which, oddly enough, is the largest pause in the match), but Kash breaks the pin up. Psicosis eventually eats the Dead Level Brainbuster, but Supercrazy breaks up the pinfall with a nice moonsault. Helms, being the trickly little bastard he is, comes in and picks up the 3 count on Psicosis. Fun match.

 

Winner and STILL Cruiserweight Champion: Gregory Helms

 

Rating: /5

 

In the back, Booker & Sharmell try to tell Teddy that Booker is injured. Jesus Christ, just get a damn doctor. Teddy mentions that Booker was dancing on SD, and they explain that he re-aggravated the injury there. Team Huffman then gets down on one knee, and I’m hoping for an impromptu song & dance number... but Teddy just says Booker either has to wrestle or forfeit the title. What a let down.

 

Finlay is with Crystal. Who’s Crystal, you ask? Fuck if I know, but I don’t even know who my father is, so I’m really not the authority on this type of thing. Finlay says “I lyke tah figh’, an’ I have no wun tah figh’, so I’m goin’ tah figh’ foh mah righ’ tah PARTAH!” Well, no, but no one would have been able to tell otherwise. Oh, he then scoops up Crystal like any good cro-magnon would, and carries her into the ring.

 

Just as Finlay is about to… uh, I dunno, play a game of scrabble with her, Lashley comes out and spoils the party. The two duke it out for a while, and JBL comes out. (hee hee, gay joke!) Why didn’t JBL just stay in the back until Lashley was more beaten down? I’ll never understand.

 

JBL w/Jillian Hall VS Lashley w/ absolutely nothing. He’s so ronrey. 

 

I think we’re supposed to have forgotten all about the disaster that was JBL/Boogeyman, as JBL is actually looking credible here. Things are pretty even from the outset, until Jillian Hall nails Lashley with a clipboard… which has the opposite effects on My Nigga and starts taking over on JBL. Maybe I’ll start getting cable repair men to wallop away on me before final exams. By the way, is it just me or does Lashley not even look real? The dude reminds me of something I’d create in Day of Reckoning 2. And yes, I create giant black penises on my wrestling video games, you got a problem with that?

 

Back to the action, and JBL actually lands an (awkward) elbow from the top. Funny, normally it’s the rookies who go down on Bradshaw. In an impressive feat of strength, Lashley catches JBL coming off the top again (wow, Lashley must have been really good to him on Valentine’s Day!) and drops him with a big powerslam. After a series of belly to bellys, Lashley lands a big T-Bone (because black people can’t afford sirloin) for 2. Finlay comes out of nowhere, tosses the ring announcer in, and whacks Lashley with a shillelagh during the distraction. Wondering what a shillelagh is? It’s a stick. It’s a fuckin’ stick. Anywho, this allows the Clothesline from Hell, New York to connect, and that’s all she wrote.

 

Winner: JBL

 

Rating: /5

 

After the match, Lashley needs help to the back, which ruins his monster cred. You know, a mid-card comedy act like Boogeyman can dispose of JBL in 2 minutes, but their ‘Next Black Thing’ needs help to the back after losing to him? Sometimes (all the time), I wonder about this company.

 

We’ve got a special guest tonight… and it’s Batista, who comes out to a huge pop. He gives a nice little promo, putting over Taker, Kurt, and Smackdown, while completely no selling the injury. Batista is to Goldberg as torn triceps are to Jerry Flynn. DAVE promises to get back his title, and then breaks his hand while punching through a limousine window heads to the back.

 

Just to confirm the result, Orton and Angle have a conversation in the back about, uhh, having five letters in their last name. Angle thinks he’s better because his are different. I agree, only fags are named Orton. AND NO ONE ELSE.

 

MNM and Matt Hardy all make their entrances, as we await the dreaded ‘mystery partner’. Oh, hooray, it’s an overweight ‘legend’ that’s far beyond his prime. I’m not talking about Animal, but Tatanka! YEAH! LET’S GET EXCITED!!!!

 

MN w/M VS The Wanker-Chiefs (Matt Hardy & Tatanka)

 

You know, I had a whole bunch of jokes saved up about Matt & Animal, but now I can’t use them. Or can I? You see, Matt decided to trade in the Mohawk he’d get from Animal for THE REAL DEAL. (If Tatanka was actually a Mohawk, that is) I was really looking forward for Matt to cut his wrists on the spiked shoulder pads in an emo-rage, but now it’ll have to be with a tomahawk. Either way, the job gets done. Any casino that Tatanka can possibly run can surely not contain as much gambling as the WWE is doing by hiring him again. I’m confused as to why Tatanka has been paired with Matt Hardy – you think he’d have grouped with Rob Conway, Sgt Slaughter, Trevor Murdoch, Steven “Real Man’s Man” Regal, and a pre-attitude Big Bossman. (What? I needed a cop, and it’s not like the WWE is above exploiting the dead…)

 

Oh yeah, there’s a match here, right? Tatanka was obviously the weak link in the match here. You know, it wouldn’t be that bad if he’s over, but no one gives a shit about him. On top of it, his offence is so dated; you can’t help to roll your (Snake?)eyes. I wish there was a story to tell here, but it’s just your basic tag team match. To be fair, they all built up to a nice (if formulaic) finish which saw Tatanka land a double top rope chop, and then stereo Samoan Drop/Twist of Fate for the pinfall. Rumor has it that the reason that Matt “WILL NOT DIE” is because Tatanka moonlights as a medicine man.

 

Winners: Matt Hardy & Tatanka

 

Rating: /5

 

Oh, by the way, did we mention it was a non-title match? We didn’t? Oh well, it was. Ha ha, way to get your money’s worth, James.

 

Benoit heads to the ring, looking toothlessly aggressive. You know, I really wonder how effective a wolverine would be without any teeth. I get mental images of Fixodent commercials, with old people struggling to gnaw into steak.

 

Booker gets into the ring, and kinda surprises us all by saying he’s forfeiting the US Championship. However, Benoit grabs the mic and demands Booker come back in the ring and lose the title like a man, and… Booker.. obliges? Wow. Hey Booker, I demand you come over here and pay off my student loans, LIKE A MAN!

 

United States Championship: Chris Benoit w/extra gums VS Booker T w/his gummer slave

 

Booker attacks from the outset, and Benoit fights back with some chops that would make this guy  proud. Benoit reverses into a  snap suplex, and rolls through on a reversal to land some brutal right hands. Booker lays on the apron, so Benoit baseball slides him to the floor. It’s just the opening 2 minutes, but this match seems like it might just be pretty awesome.

 

Booker gets whipped into the steps, and then starts to complain about his groin. However, just like a Wendy’s, he conned everyone, and then attacked Benoit. Back in the ring, Booker locks in a full nelson. See, Masters? It’s a rest hold, not a finish. Benoit gets out of it, and dumps Booker with an awkward german. (suplex, not this guy ) Benoit tries for the crossface, but Booker gets out of it and lands a big kick for 2, and he cinches in a sleeper. The arm goes down twice, but Benoit swats the ref’s hand away on the third try. I know how the ref feels here – I’m always trying to get women to drop their hands down my pants, but they never do.

 

More suplexy-good action, filled with some more stiff chops. I’m curious – if Super Porky started dishing out some chops, would they be pork chops? And could I possible have any lamer puns? Yes, I think so. Benoit dodges the scissors kick, and lands the Three Amigos for a nearfall. Though, with Benoit using them, I believe they should be called the “Three Drinkin’ Pals, Eh?”

 

Booker lands a nice spin kick, and climbs the turnbuckle. Benoit meets him on the second rope, and begins the chops and headbutts. Superplex, 2 count. Benoit gets a head full of steam (which, considering the temperatures, is really hard to do in Northern Alberta) but Booker greets him with a spinebuster that’d make even Arn Anderson smile. Booker then goes up and tries a top rope Harlem Hangover, but it misses. Benoit capitalizes with the triple germans. (suplexes, not these guys) Benoit climbs to the top, but Sharmell gives Booker time to recover, allowing him to dump Benoit from the turnbuckle and land the scissors kick for a (very) near fall.

As for the finish, Benoit reverses the Jack Briscoe roll-up into a sharpshooter, but Sharmell provides distraction on the apron. Benoit goes over to… politely ask her to step off the apron, I suppose, which leads to Booker accidentally booting his wife in the jaw. I doubt it was on accident – if I was married to someone half as annoying as her, I’d try to get her to shut up by any means necessary. Benoit locks in the sharpshooter, but Booker won’t tap… so he ditches that hold, locks in the crossface, and we’ve got a new champion.

 

Winner and NEW United States Champion: Chris Benoit

 

Rating: /5

 

They air a nifty video hyping Rey/Orton, and here’s when I’d like to share you MY fantasy WWE booking.

 

See, all this stuff about Eddie recently has gone on a little too much to be a part of just a simple throwaway PPV build. That’s why I think this whole angle is part of something bigger, something epic, something that George Lucas is going to sue over. That’s right, I’m talkin’ about Eddie Guerrero: Jedi Ghost.

 

 

Think about it. When Rey is down and out on the frozen plains of Hoth, Eddie will come to him in a dream and say “You must go to the Dagobah system, and learn to become a luchador from my master”, and Rey will say “I’m more luchador than you, asshole”, and Eddie will say “Oh yeah.” When in times of desperation, Eddie’s voice will ring into Rey’s ear “Use the frog splash, Rey! Use the frog splash!” Rey’s mask should be outfitted with a nifty little virtual reality visor that aids him in battle, but when he goes up to the top rope for the finish, he “trusts his instincts” and pushes the visor to the side.  Then for shits and giggles, Rey can lose a hand. It’d be neat-o.

 

Rey Mysterio w/o Chavo & Vicky VS Randy Orton w/Hepatitis, maybe?

 

The Eddie chants start up, and I really have to wonder what the fans are thinking by calling his name. It’s not like he’s going to come out of a janitor’s closet, through a sparkler-engfulfed stage, and spear the living shit out of Randy. OH, I get it, they’re chanting for Rey. By chanting for Eddie. Yeah, that makes sense.

 

Anyways, Rey has control early, confusing the lanky Orton with his CRAZY lucha offense, including a SIDE HEADLOCK and a BULLDOG! WOW. Momentum changes when Rey eats canvas on a springboard crossbody. Orton follows this up by dropping to his knees (…) and mauling Rey with some generic brawling. Rey lands a headscissors that sends Orton to the floor, but Orton takes over there by whipping Rey’s arm into the post. Orton poses, and NO ONE takes a picture – what a waste! Orton has Rey in the ring now, and continues to generically work on the arm like a good heel. Rey battles, but there’s NO WAY OUT~ and Orton continues his attack. Trying to get away from the arm-tacular Orton offence, Rey rolls to the outside, where Orton slams his arm into the steel a few times. Great thinking there, Rey Rey. On the outside, and a random fan tells Randy to knock it off, because Rey “is only a midget”. God bless you, random fan.

 

Anywho, it’s worth mentioning that we saw a camera glimpse of Rey’s DAUGHTER. You know, totally forgetting that they had established that Rey’s little luchadores couldn’t swim. Unless they come out and say Rey won her off of El Dandy from a poker game, I’m going to be severely disappointed. We saw the old Eddie Guerrero Sunset flip powerbomb, and Rey dropped the dime, both for near falls. Orton messed up a Springboard Moonsault bump, but they improvised well with a near fall. Rey climbs to the top, and Orton greets him with a well-timed dropkick. RKO try, Rey shoves off, drop kick. 619 misses, Orton rolls Rey up, grabs the ropes, and there’s your finish.

 

Winner: Randy Orton

 

Rating: /5

 

After the match, Orton said he’s going to Wrestlemania, while Rey probably thought “I’m going back to the cruiserweight division”. The ending to this match left a lot of possibilities, most likely a three way at Mania.

 

World Heavyweight Championship: Kurt Angle VS The Undertaker

 

After last month’s abysmal Mark Henry match, I’m sure Kurt wants pull out all the stops in this match. Personally, I just want to pull out Mark Henry’s dreadlocks with vice grips, but I’ll settle for a good match here.

 

Match started off pretty slowly, as we didn’t get the first notable spot until about the 4 minute mark, with Taker going Old School. I’m sorry, that move will never seem legit to me. Would it be so hard for Kurt to just pull his arm? I know the guy is having neck problems, and has had trouble feeling his limbs, but COME ON. Taker no sells a german, and Kurt ends up on the apron, where Taker busts out a nice leg drop. Taker tries for a chokeslam, but Kurt kicks away at Taker’s spindly legs. We are then treated to shades of Wrestlemania 13 (No, Kurt didn’t shit himself), and we see the old ring post figure 4. Taker actually starts *selling*, as record low temperatures are recorded in hell.

 

Taker fights back with some brawling, and tries for the apron leg drop again, but Kurt reverses it to an Ankle lock on the floor. Kurt rolls in, rolls out, and applies the Ankle lock again. Flaming caskets, vehicular assault, and being buried alive won’t kill the Dead Man, but a torqued ankle will? Back in the ring, Kurt continues to work the Ankle/Knee, but eventually Taker locks in a triangle choke that Kurt forces a rope break on. On the outside, Taker starts punishing Angle, but Angle ducks a right and lands an Angle Slam through the Spanish Announce Table. .. Wait a second. A broken Spanish Announce Table… on a PPV? Now I’ve seen EVERYTHING!

 

Eventually, Taker gets back in the ring, and mounts a little offence before heading to the top rope. Kurt cuts him off, but Taker headbutts him down.. however, it’s Kurt’s turn to no sell, as he pops up and does his little spider-monkey run up into a super belly to belly. The cover gets 2, and both men are slow to get up. Goozle, but Angle rolls into an Ankle lock. Taker impressively rolls through into a Triangle choke, but Kurt one ups him by rolling through THAT into the Ankle Lock, again. Cole puts over the fact that neither man has ever submitted before. Yep, those losses to Benoit, Cena, Masters, and The Rock never happened. Kurt is doing a great job here, begging Taker to tap out. Taker rolls through to get out of it, and then Kurt is met with a chokeslam, for a near fall. Taker goes for the Last Ride, but Kurt counters THAT into an Ankle Lock. Taker crawls to the ropes, Kurt pulls him back, but Taker kicks him off. Angle Slam gets 2, and Kurt doesn’t know what the hell he’s going to have to do. This match is kicking all sorts of ass.

 

Tombstone try by taker, but Kurt reverses it into one of his own… well, he tries, but Taker reverses that, which Kurt reverses into ANOTHER Ankle Lock. He then scissors Taker in the Ankle PICK! Taker rolls, and boots Kurt off. Taker up again, Angle Slam, but Taker locks in a triangle choke when Kurt goes for the cover. Angle is fading, but he gathers his wits. Kurt flips over into a jackknife pin.1…2..3.

 

Winner… and STILL World Heavyweight Champion: Kurt Angle

 

Rating: /5

 

Taker is pissed at the decision, and pushes Angle into the buckles, post-match, and tells him that he has his number and isn’t finished with him. His eyes say “We will meet again!” but if you look closer, his mouth is muttering “Can we please meet again? Dude, they’re gonna actually make me wrestle Mark Henry at Wrestlemania! Help a brutha out will ya?!”

 

End show.

 

Highlight: Definitely the Main Event finish. That match more than made up for the Henry disaster. The finish played off their Smackdown 2002 match, which saw a simultaneous pin/submission from the triangle choke position. Excellent stuff, could have been the main event for Mania.

 

Lowlight: The Tag team match. Not only did we get Tatanka, which no one wanted to see, but the decision to have it a non-title match only confuses the hell out of everyone. But frankly, that was the only part of this show that sucked.

 

Overall Analysis: Very well wrestled PPV. With 4 good matches, I was shocked to get my money’s worth. Even shitty booking couldn’t really keep this PPV from being well done. The Cruiser match was more than solid, and Lashley and JBL had a pretty good bout that proves that the Chocolate Gorilla can at least hold his own. Batista’s promo was a nice surprise, and served well to hype his return feud. The US Title match was one of the best in their series, and it’s nice to see a clean finish between these two. Randy/Rey was not overly spectacular, but it was solid and I like where the finish leads to. And the main event speaks for itself; best match of the year so far.

 

Thumbs up.

James Walker is pretty much the best thing ever. I mean, sure, there's been Terminator, grilled cheese sandwiches, and naked women storms, but TWF's resident comic relief takes the cake. Seriously, he actually goes to children's birthday parties and grabs it just as it's being brought out. Never the less, a proud owner of a Golden Tenay and an incredibly large penis, James Walker strives for one thing in life: RACIAL EQUALITY, NIGGUH.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).