Hello everyone, I’m Sean Carless, and this the report for No Way Out; originally rumored to be called “No Way Should You Shell Out $35 For This Shit.” They ultimately decided to stick with the first choice. Go figure.
Anyway, tonight’s show
comes to us from
© The Bashams vs. Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio; WWE Tag Team Championship match;
The Bashams have “SOD” written on the front of their tights, and Michael Cole explains to us that this means “Secretaries of Defense” and not the short form for "sodomy" as I had thought. (Hey, JBL is their boss, so who knows?). Anyway, very solid match, but no real spark between these two teams in my opinion. Fun fact: The Bashams wrestled for the Tag Titles last year at No Way Out, while still under the guidance of a dominating sexual abuser: (Shaniqua.) Good thing they don’t associate with anyone like that anymore! *Ahem*.
One funny spot sees Eddie tie together two tag ropes, giving him about a six foot reach..... or three full Rey Mysterios. The Referee however is not impressed.
In any event, Rey is your tiny luchador in peril here, and eventually he ducks and dodges both Bashams and rolls to the corner where he makes the caliente tag to Eddie. Eddie takes it to the Bashams and gets a nearfall with a Mysterio assist. Eddie then scoots out to the floor and retrieves a Tag team title belt. Rey stops him however fearing a DQ and because HE'S A GOOD PERSON. Anyway, in all this confusion, the Bashams do the old switcheroo. Hey, just like the Killer Bees! Only, you know, discounting the fact that people actually cared about the Killer Bees. Other than that, reaction, charisma and interest, they're like totally identical, though. Trust me.
Anyway, Eddie, however, sees the switch, and does a forward roll off the frog splash attempt... but feigns being unconscious, as the fallen Basham gets up thinking Eddie had knocked himself out from the miffed splash. Oh, that Eddie. What nonsensical Amphibian offense will he pull out next. Eddie then grabs a really close near-fall off a quick cradle. From there, Danny Basham throws the Tag Title to Eddie, in an attempt to "frame him", but Eddie just as suddenly hot potatoes it to Doug Basham, who then has it confiscated by the Referee. In the confusion, Rey slides the other belt to Eddie, who then clocks Doug and gets the pin- and the titles. Ah, Rey-Rey is a BAD PERSON after all. And here he was, up until tonight, single-handedly shattering all the myths of mask wearing people being horrible people. I don't know, maybe if the rest of the guys who skulk around wearing masks and JUMPING OUT THE SKY..err bushes, had REALLY AWESOME LUCHA OFFENSE instead of just carrying Rophenol and some duct tape, they too would be more appreciated. Maybe.
Winners and new champions: Rey Mysterio, Eddie Guerrero and Lying, Cheating and Stealing! The latter of which was probably the last remaining shreds of charisma in the Bashams. Hey, just saying.
-Sideshow Carlito is backstage and taunts G.M. Teddy Long by introducing him to "the wife" of one of the board of directors. OH NO. Not the woman who washes his pants! Seriously, what power would this bitch have? I dated a girl who was manager of a McDonalds once. Does this mean I can go in and fucking chastise the douchebag mopping the floor? Which I do anyway, sure, because he's going nowhere in life. That's right. No. I can't. Or something.
Anyway, she puts over the previous match and speaks her piece with the poise and grace of a person who has no business ever being in this industry. Hey, quick, hire this woman for the creative team! I heard that's their main criteria. After she bolts, Carlito says that the WWE Board of Directors have been speaking, and Long’s future may hinge on whether he can sign Batista or not for Smackdown. But hey, why the fuck would they care? It’s the WWE board of directors; don’t they govern both shows? Why would they care what fucking show DAVE is on? Why am I asking questions when there's no one here? And why am I so desperately lonely?
-Torrie Wilson comes out to the ring next, along with the woman who married, then murdered her father by sexually pleasuring him to death, Dawn Marie. We all should hope for the same fate. The two then introduce the participants for the “Rookie Diva Contest”... and BOY are there A LOT of big fake titties in this ring right now! It’s no wonder they call this the Mellon Arena! …OK, OK, I know it’s spelled differently, but I really wanted to make that joke, so sue me.
Anyway, the four contestants are “Rochelle” “Lauren”, Michelle McCool and Joy…who according to a screen, lists her "credentials" as being a “Special Friend to Big Show.” How is that a skill? Actually, I take it back. If she can have sex with a Giant and not have her bottom half explode upon climax, then that really is a skill that should be commended. I appreciate a woman whose nether-regions can absord the impact of a gusher the likes of which could not been fathomed unless Hoover Dam breaks. Anyway, the four prance around the ring for a minute for the benefit of the men, then leave relatively quickly without talking. If only more women could follow their example. If only.
-Pulp Fiction vignette with Eddie Guerrero and Booker T. airs again. Personally, I think they could further the skit by having the Marcellus Wallace rape scene featuring JBL's cabinet. Hell, one of the Bashams could play the Gimp. After all, they did used to wear those masks last year!
Booker T. w/ petty criminal record vs. HEIDENREICH w/ WAR criminal record?
Booker: “I like your poetry.” Heidenreich: “I like the way you rob Wendy’s.” Am the only one who’d mark out for this exchange? Umm, probably. Anyway, the whole scuttlebutt on the net lately is that Heidy’s original gimmick was to be a “Frozen Nazi”. Makes sense to me. Although, one would have to wonder what Hitler had in mind with Heidenreich here. Freeze him for 60 years (bar a brief thaw-out so the big man could pencil in a couple of seasons with the Saints) then release him from captivity... so he could destroy the western world through absolutely terrible wrestling? It's no wonder that motherfucker lost the war.
Heidenreich doesn't really seem to get out of the blocks (bunker?) here, and seems kind of lethargic. Of course, you'd be a little plodding too if you just spent the better part of the last century in a Cryogenic chamber, so I guess I'll cut him a break. Anyway, finish sees Heidenreich snap and get himself disqualified for hitting Book with a chair in the shoulder. Money well spent.
Winner: Booker by disqualification. Loser: Me, for paying for this match... and not just because I'm an anti-social nerd. Despite what you may have heard....
-The babyface locker room celebrates Eddie & Rey’s big win when John Cena enters. Eddie asks for a minute alone with John and gives him a great pep talk about not quitting tonight no matter how much pain he might be in. Maybe Eddie should re-direct this pep talk to me. After that last fucking match, I'm ready to tap out.
6 way elimination gauntlet for the Cruiserweight Title featuring © Funaki, Akio, Paul London, Shannon Moore, Spike Dudley & Chavo Guerrero;
First off, Paul London runs to the ring looking like a 3 year old kid who dresses himself and wears every article of clothing he owns. The fur coat was nice touch though. However, I'd be on the lookout for PETA though, my friend. They're not above throwing red paint on that coat, which of course completely stops "the manufacturing of fur", and certainly doesn't increase demand because you now have to replace your ruined coat. It's a brilliant ploy. Definitely.
Spike immediately jumps in next,
and I must say again, his goatee has reached even
beyond Jim Neidhart proportions now. I say shave it off
before the urge to spontaneously rob your neighbor of
their jewelry kicks in. Trust me. Anyway, Funaki returns
the favor to Spike, and slides back in and superkicks
Shannon Moore jumps in next, sporting a Red Rooster look…well, if Terry Taylor was put in the washer on the cold cycle. Great little exchange between London and Moore, who is apparently now known as the “Prince of Punk”... despite the fact he was probably not even born when the movement was popular. Anyway, London eventually eliminates him with the "London Calling" 450 splash, which is ironic because 1979 London is about last time anybody had Shannon's fucking haircut.
In next is Akio, who immediately takes it to London. Apparently, much like so many others before him, Akio travels throughout life with no discernable last name, in addition to crying to anyone who'll listen how he's "really Korean" and not Japanese. Bah. All you cruiserweights look the same to me!
Anyhoo, the two have some pretty cool exchanges as well, but this crowd is just dead, which sucks for these guys. At one point, the two men each climb up on the top rope, and London hits a HUGE swinging neckbreaker off the top! The referee gives the mandatory count while both men are down. London is up at nine, but Akio is not ,so he’s eliminated? Say what? The standing count is actually supposed to stop when one of the two men get to their feet; or why not just start counting whenever one guy is knocked down? Where's Credibilly when we need him???! Anyway, Chavo comes in last (I believe he's injured) and beats down London, yelling at him for forcing him to actually have to do some work. (could it be that Chavo is secretly enrolled in the Welfare system?). Anyway, London takes some abuse then “London’s up” (as much as 160 pound guy with a pudding basin haircut can hulk up) and goes on offense. However, even a fucking snowman on Pluto creates more heat then this match apparently, so he gets zero reaction. Poor Paul. To say the crowd was apathetic would be an understatement. Anyway, the finish sees London try a forward roll, but Chavo rolls through, and grabs the ropes and gets the assisted pin to win the title. SHENANIGANS.
Winner and NEW champion: Chavo Guerrero; Fun fact: Chavo actually won the CW title at last year’s No Way Out, too. Funner Fact: I probably say "fun fact" too fucking much. I'll stop now.
-Divas come back out. It’s time for the "Talent" portion of the evening! And if someone would just shine a blacklight on these women’s dresses, I’m sure we’d see exactly what those talents really are. Anyway, Joy gives Torrie a "massage". Unfortunately, there are no battery driven devices and honey in this particular skit, so it’s a washout. Up next, is the stand-up comedy stylings of Rochelle, who is about as funny as a kick in the sack. However, her abilities to make other things stand up are good, as this nude photo that I dug up will attest to. Give this woman a standing ovation! I will, once I learn how to clap with one hand. Up next we have...Lauren? I don’t know. She dances...I think . Actually, they’re all running together in my head now. Finally, Michelle McCool, best known for her prowess of Dodging balls last summer (and a testament to her current employment likely) shows her “talent” by bodyslamming Dawn Marie. Funny, whenever I scoop up random women and slam them, no one gives me any credit and I win no contests. Why is she so special?
-JBL gives a great promo backstage about the perils of the cage match tonight. He states that his body is temporary… but the title is eternal. Actually, I think it's just this fucking Title reign that's eternal.
The Undertaker w/ ability to no sell death vs. Luther Reigns w/ the very same ability!
Considering the slew of grievous bodily harm Luther has overcome, I’m starting to think that the wrong guy has the walking deadman gimmick here. Anyway, this match was just Hosstacular in its Hossiness. They were like two big bulls running together. And other euphemisms for plodding slow moving creatures boringly colliding.
But seriously, I don’t know why Undertaker insists on working such long matches with people with so many physical limitations, but he always does. Perhaps this is the price of his eternal life? Maybe if he actually had a good match, it'd be just like the picture of Dorian Gray and Taker would shrivel up and die. Did I mention how much I've drank tonight? (LOTS!) Oh! and for the record, I thought your hair was supposed to keep growing after you’re dead, not recede. What’s the deal, Undertaker?
Anyway, this match starts off promising enough, as Luther has a decent amount of raw skill; but expecting him to put on a fifty/fifty match where he’s not dominating isn’t exactly playing to his strengths. Anyway, Luther counters a tombstone into his inverted swinging neckbreaker thingy that no one ever fucking gets over, but that only gets two. Luther then goes for another, but Taker reverses that into a DDT, does his throat slash (which is kind of insensitive considering what Luther’s been through…) and gets his tombstone to get the win.
Winner: Undertaker. Knives and guns can't put Luther down, but piledrivers can. Clearly, we need to teach our Law enforcement more catch as catch can wrestling. It's the ONLY way to stop crime!
- Basic Instinct parody with Stacy, Jericho, Benoit & Christian airs again. This was my favorite one of the lot they’ve shown. The only thing missing was the unemployed Test being shown on his sofa, one tear streaming down his giant rodent-shaped face, muttering "I used to put my dick in that..."
-YES! The finals of the “Rookie Diva Contest” now. And you can cut the anticipation with a butter knife. Each lady comes out in their bikini. Joy shows a thong under her bikini bottom. But who wears underwear under their bathing suit? Well, besides my grandfather that is. Anyway, the votes are in! And It’s official!…100% of people still watching have lost the will to live! And oh ya, Joy “wins". Who knew that letting Big Show unfurl his ungodly genitals into your love hole like an unrolled Sleeping bag would finally pay off!
Kurt Angle vs. John Cena: Winner gets the second banana spot at Wrestlemania;
This of course the final in the tournament to determine a number one contender to the WWE Title at Wrestlemania. As only Kurt Angle stands in John Cena's way to becoming to the first ever Thinks he's black World Champion. You see, for YEARS, pretend African Americans have been denied their RIGHTFUL opportunities in this industry. Like PIONEERS like PG-13, who courageously fought for their right to sit at the front of the bus (It was the Lex Express actually.). Courageous patriots like Scotty 2 Hotty, MURDERED in the prime of their lives, only because he yearned for equality. Wait. What? He's still alive? You sure? The bottom line here is no longer will the not-black man be held back! No longer will he persecuted solely because of the lack of color of the his skin! The chickens are coming home to roost, y'all. And John Cena will be damned if they end up in the skillet like hands of the Big Show. I'm tellin' you.
Anyway, even though the result of this one is pretty predictable, it still delivered, and delivered big. This was probably the best Cena’s looked in a LONG time, and they put him over STRONG.
The crowd is actually pretty divided here, with chants for both men during the match. One really cool spot sees Angle deliver a German release (Not this) into the buckles. Not to be outdone, John Cena later gets aerial and squashes Angle with a huge flying legdrop off the top rope as Angle lay straddled over the ropes. Cena then hits the FU…but Angle kicks out at two. Cena thinks he’s won it and has words (WORD!) with the official. This gives Kurt a chance to clip Cena’s leg, and from there, Kurt goes to work, delivering some particularly stiff looking stomps to Cena’s ankle in the process. Angle then hits the Angle Slam and drops the straps, exposing the POT BELLY OF SOLID MUSCLE, which of course signifies the anklelock. Cena fights the pain and makes it the ropes on the AWESOME POWER of hip hop alone. The power of Kanye West compels me! Angle pulls Cena away, but then accidentally hits referee Charles Robinson in the face with a stray elbow. The crowd begins to chant for HBK, but apparently Shawn decided to keep the Sabbath holy and doesn’t show up. With the ref down, Angle decides to try and cheat, and grabs Cena’s chain, but Cena explodes on him with a hard tackle in the corner and scoops up Angle and hits a big FU for the pin.
A lot of people were probably expecting the clichéd HBK run-in, but WWE opted to put over Cena straight up (gangsta!), and that’s probably the best idea at this point.
Winner: John Cena, who
will now go onto to Wrestlemania to face (let's be
honest) JBL. Wrestling God vs. the WWE's new personal
Jesus and Savior. I've seen his miracles. He
can turn water into
wine PHAT beats!
© JBL vs. Big Show for the WWE Championship; Barbwire Steel Cage Match:
As they’re lowering the cage, Michael Cole tells us that the Steel Cage is a Carnivore. And here I thought it was just an inanimate metal structure erected around the ring. Shows what I know. No wonder I failed science.
And we're on~! It's the man who's dignity was raped (or a getting a haircut to everyone under 7 feet on earth), against, well, I think you know where I'm going with this; so I don't even need to say it. Anyway, JBL takes this thing tentatively, but Show manhandles him from the word go, throwing him around effortlessly. Eventually though, JBL returns the favor and runs Show into the cage and he's busted open. UNFORGIVING STEEL CAGE. It has no use for your apolgies, so don't even bother. JBL however looks to climb out, but by gawd, he can't get past that razor-sharp barbwire, and soon after he is bleeding as well. And that's really t he story here. The cage is inescapable, or dare I say there's "no way out" (HIYO). Man, what a coincidence this show's name is coupled with an inescapable cage. What's next, a Royal Rumble featuring a 30 man free-for-all? We can dream.
JBL keeps desperately searching for a way to possibly escape, but nothing doing. However, salvation looks to come in the form of the Bashams and Orlando Jordan, who try to interfere. And if JBL truly is a Wrestling God like he says, then by God (no pun intended), he's got just about the worst disciples I've ever seen in my life. However, if this means we can expect Jordan to eventually hang himself after betraying JBL, I'm all for it. I actually had this other great Bible parable involving a cock and Jordan denying JBL three times, but ultimately decided against it, because, well, I think I've already made about 300 JBL gay jokes already in this Rant.
As the Cabinet tries in vain to get in (NO WAY IN~!), Teddy Long comes out and declares that there will be NO OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE, and exiles the Cabinet from the ringside area; but not before O.J. slides some bolt cutters to JBL…and not a bloody knife. What kind of OJ are you? Come on! Bradshaw then uses them on Show, and then hits the Clothesline from Hell in a Cell, in honor of the cage. Obviously.
JBL goes for another, but this time he runs into the goozle and eats a chokeslam by Show for a two count. JBL then begins climbing the cage, bolt-cutters in hand, hoping to snip away the barbwire so he can escape, but Show is there, and the two jockey on the top rope, until Show chokeslams JBL off and THROUGH the ring! Show then gingerly climbs down from the ropes and opts to escape through the cage door, but it’s locked. Big Show remedies this by simply ripping the chain off and steps out of the cage as the bell rings. Show thinks he’s won the match, but apparently, JBL crawled through the collapsed ring and out from the apron to win the match. Got to laugh at the irony of JBL squeezing himself through a tight hole, though. Hey, could I make any more corny JBL jokes tonight? You bet I could!
Winner & still champion: That clever JBL. Maybe his fellow Conservative madman the Ultimate Warrior gave him some swank under-the-ring pointers? (sans shit pail, of course). Stranger things have happened.
-After the match, the Cabinet jumps Big Show, but here’s DAVE Batista to make the save! And he’s wearing his trunks?! Huh? I don’t know about you, but when I show up for a fight, I don’t have the sudden urge to take my pants off. DAVE then kills everyone dead, but JBL, who’s slithering away. However, John Cena cuts him off and beats the shit out of him before spinbustering him off the stage through some tables. Intrigue~! Cena and Batista then stare at each other, as each man makes the belt gesture. Although, I suspect Cena was just subtly suggesting to Dave that he go put his pants back on. Maybe? I don't know.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I sure am drunk. This feels weird but good at the same time. Anyway, as is custom with WWE pay-per-views lately, this one had a couple of decent matches, coupled with some mind numbing shit at the same time. Specifically, the Divas segment, which was like going to the strippers, and they don’t even bother taking off their clothes. This was 15 minutes of my life I’ll never have back. Ok, maybe I wouldn’t do anything productive with that time anyway, but I still feel gypped considering the price of this show. So, in closing, I may have to masturbate to it, but I don’t have to like it!
That said, my two match rule insists I must give this show a thumbs up, so I shall.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).