First off, Paul London runs to the ring looking like a 3 year old kid who dresses himself and wears every article of clothing he owns. The fur coat was nice touch though. However, I'd be on the lookout for PETA though, my friend. They're not above throwing red paint on that coat, which of course completely stops "the manufacturing of fur", and certainly doesn't increase demand because you now have to replace your ruined coat. It's a brilliant ploy. Definitely.

 ANYWAY… London starts things out with Funaki, who is of course your current champion. Lucky him. The first match he wins in 6 fucking years, and it's for the title. After a few short minutes of action, Spike Dudley sneaks in and gets a cheap shot on Funaki, and London rolls him up from behind to eliminate him. THE BOYHOOD DREAM HAS ENDED. I actually have no idea if that was Funaki's boyhood dream or not (mine was getting laid) but I believe a historic two month Title reign like that deserves the ultimate in wrestling hyperbole.

Spike immediately jumps in next, and I must say again, his goatee has reached even beyond Jim Neidhart proportions now. I say shave it off before the urge to spontaneously rob your neighbor of their jewelry kicks in. Trust me. Anyway, Funaki returns the favor to Spike, and slides back in and superkicks him, allowing London to eliminate him as well.

Shannon Moore jumps in next, sporting a Red Rooster look…well, if Terry Taylor was put in the washer on the cold cycle. Great little exchange between London and Moore, who is apparently now known as the “Prince of Punk”... despite the fact he was probably not even born when the movement was popular. Anyway, London eventually eliminates him with the "London Calling" 450 splash, which is ironic because 1979 London is about last time anybody had Shannon's fucking haircut.

In next is Akio, who immediately takes it to London. Apparently, much like so many others before him, Akio travels throughout life with no discernable last name, in addition to crying to anyone who'll listen how he's "really Korean" and not Japanese. Bah. All you cruiserweights look the same to me!

Anyhoo, the two have some pretty cool exchanges as well, but this crowd is just dead, which sucks for these guys. At one point, the two men each climb up on the top rope, and London hits a HUGE swinging neckbreaker off the top! The referee gives the mandatory count while both men are down. London is up at nine, but Akio is not ,so he’s eliminated? Say what? The standing count is actually supposed to stop when one of the two men get to their feet; or why not just start counting whenever one guy is knocked down? Where's Credibilly when we need him???! Anyway, Chavo comes in last (I believe he's injured) and beats down London, yelling at him for forcing him to actually have to do some work. (could it be that Chavo is secretly enrolled in the Welfare system?).  Anyway, London takes some abuse then “London’s up” (as much as 160 pound guy with a pudding basin haircut can hulk up) and goes on offense. However, even a fucking snowman on Pluto creates more heat then this match apparently, so he gets zero reaction. Poor Paul.  To say the crowd was apathetic would be an understatement.  Anyway, the finish sees London try a forward roll, but Chavo rolls through, and grabs the ropes and gets the assisted pin to win the title. SHENANIGANS.

Winner and NEW champion: Chavo Guerrero; Fun fact: Chavo actually won the CW title at last year’s No Way Out, too. Funner Fact: I probably say "fun fact" too fucking much. I'll stop now.

/5

-Divas come back out. It’s time for the "Talent" portion of the evening! And if someone would just shine a blacklight on these women’s dresses, I’m sure we’d see exactly what those talents really are. Anyway, Joy gives Torrie a "massage". Unfortunately, there are no battery driven devices and honey in this particular skit, so it’s a washout. Up next, is the stand-up comedy stylings of Rochelle, who is about as funny as a kick in the sack. However, her abilities to make other things stand up are good, as this nude photo that I dug up will attest to. Give this woman a standing ovation! I will, once I learn how to clap with one hand. Up next we have...Lauren? I don’t know. She dances...I think .  Actually, they’re all running together in my head now.  Finally, Michelle McCool, best known for her prowess of Dodging balls last summer (and a testament to her current employment likely) shows her “talent” by bodyslamming Dawn Marie. Funny, whenever I scoop up random women and slam them, no one gives me any credit and I win no contests. Why is she so special?

-JBL gives a great promo backstage about the perils of the cage match tonight. He states that his body is temporary… but the title is eternal. Actually, I think it's just this fucking Title reign that's eternal.

 The Undertaker w/ ability to no sell death vs. Luther Reigns w/ the very same ability!

Considering the slew of grievous bodily harm Luther has overcome, I’m starting to think that the wrong guy has the walking deadman gimmick here. Anyway, this match was just Hosstacular in its Hossiness. They were like two big bulls running together. And other euphemisms for plodding slow moving creatures boringly colliding.

But seriously, I don’t know why Undertaker insists on working such long matches with people with so many physical limitations, but he always does. Perhaps this is the price of his eternal life? Maybe if he actually had a good match, it'd be just like the picture of Dorian Gray and Taker would shrivel up and die. Did I mention how much I've drank tonight? (LOTS!) Oh! and for the record, I thought your hair was supposed to keep growing after you’re dead, not recede. What’s the deal, Undertaker?

Anyway, this match starts off promising enough, as Luther has a decent amount of raw skill; but expecting him to put on a fifty/fifty match where he’s not dominating isn’t exactly playing to his strengths. Anyway, Luther counters a tombstone into his inverted swinging neckbreaker thingy that no one ever fucking gets over, but that only gets two. Luther then goes for another, but Taker reverses that into a DDT, does his throat slash (which is kind of insensitive considering what Luther’s been through…) and gets his tombstone to get the win.

Winner: Undertaker. Knives and guns can't put Luther down, but piledrivers can. Clearly, we need to teach our Law enforcement more catch as catch can wrestling. It's the ONLY way to stop crime! 

/5

- Basic Instinct parody with Stacy, Jericho, Benoit & Christian airs again. This was my favorite one of the lot they’ve shown. The only thing missing was the unemployed Test being shown on his sofa, one tear streaming down his giant rodent-shaped face, muttering "I used to put my dick in that..."

-YES! The finals of the “Rookie Diva Contest” now. And you can cut the anticipation with a butter knife.  Each lady comes out in their bikini. Joy shows a thong under her bikini bottom. But who wears underwear under their bathing suit? Well, besides my grandfather that is. Anyway, the votes are in! And It’s official!…100% of people still watching have lost the will to live! And oh ya, Joy “wins". Who knew that letting Big Show unfurl his ungodly genitals into your love hole like an unrolled Sleeping bag would finally pay off!

Kurt Angle vs. John Cena: Winner gets the second banana spot at Wrestlemania;

This of course the final in the tournament to determine a number one contender to the WWE Title at Wrestlemania. As only Kurt Angle stands in John Cena's way to becoming to the first ever Thinks he's black World Champion. You see, for YEARS, pretend African Americans have been denied their RIGHTFUL opportunities in this industry. Like PIONEERS like PG-13, who courageously fought for their right to sit at the front of the bus (It was the Lex Express actually.). Courageous patriots like Scotty 2 Hotty, MURDERED in the prime of their lives, only because he yearned for equality. Wait. What? He's still alive? You sure? The bottom line here is no longer will the not-black man be held back! No longer will he persecuted solely because of the lack of color of the his skin! The chickens are coming home to roost, y'all. And John Cena will be damned if they end up in the skillet like hands of the Big Show. I'm tellin' you.

Anyway, even though the result of this one is pretty predictable, it still delivered, and delivered big. This was probably the best Cena’s looked in a LONG time, and they put him over STRONG.

The crowd is actually pretty divided here, with chants for both men during the match. One really cool spot sees Angle deliver a German release (Not this) into the buckles. Not to be outdone, John Cena  later gets aerial and squashes Angle with a huge flying legdrop off the top rope as Angle lay straddled over the ropes. Cena then hits the FU…but Angle kicks out at two.  Cena thinks he’s won it and has words (WORD!) with the official. This gives Kurt a chance to clip Cena’s leg, and from there, Kurt goes to work, delivering some particularly stiff looking stomps to Cena’s ankle in the process. Angle then hits the Angle Slam and drops the straps, exposing the POT BELLY OF SOLID MUSCLE, which of course signifies the anklelock.  Cena fights the pain and makes it the ropes on the AWESOME POWER of hip hop alone. The power of Kanye West compels me!  Angle pulls Cena away, but then accidentally hits referee Charles Robinson in the face with a stray elbow. The crowd begins to chant for HBK, but apparently Shawn decided to keep the Sabbath holy and doesn’t show up. With the ref down, Angle decides to try and cheat, and grabs Cena’s chain, but Cena explodes on him with a hard tackle in the corner and scoops up Angle and hits a big FU for the pin.

A lot of people were probably expecting the clichéd HBK run-in, but WWE opted to put over Cena straight up (gangsta!), and that’s probably the best idea at this point.

Winner: John Cena, who will now go onto to Wrestlemania to face (let's be honest) JBL. Wrestling God vs. the WWE's new personal Jesus and Savior. I've seen his miracles. He can turn water into wine PHAT beats!

/5

© JBL vs. Big Show for the WWE Championship; Barbwire Steel Cage Match:

As they’re lowering the cage, Michael Cole tells us that the Steel Cage is a Carnivore. And here I thought it was just an inanimate metal structure erected around the ring. Shows what I know. No wonder I failed science.

And we're on~! It's the man who's dignity was raped (or a  getting a haircut to everyone under 7 feet on earth), against, well, I think you know where I'm going with this; so I don't even need to say it. Anyway, JBL takes this thing tentatively, but Show manhandles him from the word go, throwing him around effortlessly. Eventually though, JBL returns the favor and runs Show into the cage and he's busted open. UNFORGIVING STEEL CAGE. It has no use for your apolgies, so don't even bother. JBL however looks to climb out, but by gawd, he can't get past that razor-sharp barbwire, and soon after he is bleeding as well. And that's really t he story here. The cage is inescapable, or dare I say there's "no way out" (HIYO). Man, what a coincidence this show's name is coupled with an inescapable cage. What's next, a Royal Rumble featuring a 30 man free-for-all? We can dream.

JBL keeps desperately searching for a way to possibly escape, but nothing doing.  However, salvation looks to come in the form of the Bashams and Orlando Jordan, who try to interfere. And if JBL truly is a Wrestling God like he says, then by God (no pun intended), he's got just about the worst disciples I've ever seen in my life. However, if this means we can expect Jordan to eventually hang himself after betraying JBL, I'm all for it. I actually had this other great Bible parable involving a cock and Jordan denying JBL three times, but ultimately decided against it, because, well, I think I've already made about 300 JBL gay jokes already in this Rant.

As the Cabinet tries in vain to get in (NO WAY IN~!), Teddy Long comes out and declares that there will be NO OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE, and exiles the Cabinet from the ringside area; but not before O.J. slides some bolt cutters to JBL…and not a bloody knife. What kind of OJ are you? Come on!  Bradshaw then uses them on Show, and then hits the Clothesline from Hell in a Cell, in honor of the cage. Obviously. 

JBL goes for another, but this time he runs into the goozle and eats a chokeslam by Show for a two count. JBL then begins climbing the cage, bolt-cutters in hand, hoping to snip away the barbwire so he can escape, but Show is there, and the two jockey on the top rope, until Show chokeslams JBL off and THROUGH the ring! Show then gingerly climbs down from the ropes and opts to escape through the cage door, but it’s locked. Big Show remedies this by simply ripping the chain off and steps out of the cage as the bell rings. Show thinks he’s won the match, but apparently, JBL crawled through the collapsed ring and out from the apron to win the match. Got to laugh at the irony of JBL squeezing himself through a tight hole, though. Hey, could I make any more corny JBL jokes tonight? You bet I could!

Winner & still champion:  That clever JBL. Maybe his fellow Conservative madman the Ultimate Warrior gave him some swank under-the-ring pointers? (sans shit pail, of course). Stranger things have happened.

/5

-After the match, the Cabinet jumps Big Show, but here’s DAVE Batista to make the save! And he’s wearing his trunks?! Huh? I don’t know about you, but when I show up for a fight, I don’t have the sudden urge to take my pants off.  DAVE then kills everyone dead, but JBL, who’s slithering away. However, John Cena cuts him off and beats the shit out of him before spinbustering him off the stage through some tables. Intrigue~! Cena and Batista then stare at each other, as each man makes the belt gesture. Although, I suspect Cena was just subtly suggesting to Dave that he go put his pants back on. Maybe? I don't know.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I sure am drunk. This feels weird but good at the same time. Anyway, as is custom with WWE pay-per-views lately, this one had a couple of decent matches, coupled with some mind numbing shit at the same time. Specifically, the Divas segment, which was like going to the strippers, and they don’t even bother taking off their clothes. This was 15 minutes of my life I’ll never have back. Ok, maybe I wouldn’t do anything productive with that time anyway, but I still feel gypped considering the price of this show. So, in closing, I may have to masturbate to it, but I don’t have to like it!

That said, my two match rule insists I must give this show a thumbs up, so I shall.

I'm Sean.