WWE
NO WAY OUT
2004:
(02/15/04)
Hey there, PPV fans, and cheap
motherfuckers leeching off their friend's
generosity, and everyone else who
accidentally stumbled upon this page thinking it was
porn, based on my slew of disgusting sexual innuendo
and bad language; I'm your beloved party-meister
and host Sean Carless, and welcome to No Way Out!
LIVE from San Francisco California! Which as we all
know is openly regarded as the homosexual capital of
the World. No wonder Pat Patterson was a legend
here! It all makes sense now.
Your hosts tonight are Michael Cole and Tazz...
who's apparently traded in being a "Human Suplex
Machine" in favor of being a "Human Eating
Machine"... if indeed his ever increasing waistline
is any indication. Poor bastard. Sadly, the only
thing he "chokes out" nowadays is himself
when he accidentally swallows a chicken bone in an
eating binge. Poor Tazz. Normally, I'd
just make a joke about Michael Cole, but sadly,
mother nature already beat me to the punch there, so
it was kind of futile. Oh well.
The show opens up with upcoming co-Playboy
cover-girls Sable & Torrie Wilson. Man. It's about
time these two prudes took off their clothes in
Playboy! I can't wait to see them naked! Oh wait.
Anyway, Sable grabs the mic and speaks, but
the ultra high frequency of her voice causes heads
to explode across the country, and dogs to burst
through walls cartoon-style leaving exact body
imprints. Torrie then grabs the mic and also
welcomes everyone to the pay-per-view, informing us
that the Smackdown Superstars will do ANYTHING to
entertain the fans! They then back this up by...doing
absolutely nothing? OK, then. But hey,
all joking aside, I guess if you're going to bother
to shoot Sable nude again, now's the time. After
all, at her age, one more camera flash, and she
could crumple into a pile of burning embers. Kind of
like a Vampire in sunlight. Clearly, she made the
right choice.
The Bashams & Shaniqua vs. (C) WORM/ASS (Rikishi &
Scotty 2 Hotty) WWE Tag team Titles.
Huh. I always wondered how long it would take to
recapture the *MAGIC* that was the handicap
collision between Demolition and Powers of Pain &
Mr. Fuji at Wrestlemania 5, and now I have my
answer! Dear lord. For the record, this match is for
Scotty & Rikishi's WWE tag team titles; but to my
knowledge, The Basham's titles of "Most boring human
beings EVER" are not at stake. Lucky them.
The big story here is that Rikishi &
Scotty desperately want to get their hands on
Shaniqua. They might be the only men on earth who
can make this claim. No offense to Shaniqua or
anything, but after Chyna and Asya, I'm kind of
soured on scary looking he-she's. In fact, all
that's left is for Shaniqua to pick a geographical
inspired name like her predecessors and the circle
will be complete. Afryca, maybe? That sounds about
right.
Anyway, Bashams dominate early, and
make the tag to Shaniqua who tries to PILEDRIVE
Scotty 2 Hotty. Didn't she get Linda's memo? Not
that it matters, Scotty 2 Hotty's hair makes him
impervious to its effects anyway. Rikishi ends up
making the save, and comes in, and manhandles?
womanhandles? both? neither?, Shaniqua, and sets her
up for the stink face, but Doug makes the save with
a HEADBUTT. Dude, have you never watched wrestling
in 50 years? YOU CANNOT HEADBUTT A SAMOAN. The same
goes for a black guy and a retard. Hell, if only the
Rock had down's syndrome! He'd be completely
unstoppable! From there, The Bashams &
Shaniqua continue to isolate Scotty, and she gets a
THUNDEROUS BODYSLAM, which Cole sells like Scotty
was just dropped from the fucking SEARS Towers. Come
on! She's 180 pounds, and maybe 6 feet tall! Huh. I
guess by this logic, if Kidman slammed him, he'd
have been tragically killed. Anyway, Scotty, finally
makes a hot tag to Rikishi, who comes in a house of
fire pancakes, and dominates all three,
umm, men, until getting a hold of Shaniqua,
delivering a Samoan Drop, and finishing with the
banzai splash which Cole abhorrently calls the "Rump
Shaker". Well, he's in the right town for that
handle anyway.
Winners & STILL Champions: Rikishi &
Scotty 2 Hotty. Apparently, this is the end of
Shaniqua. She's being sent to OVW for retooling (De-tooling?)
Yup. God speed.

/5
-Nidia
vs. Jamie Noble package. Just your ordinary story of
boy meets girl, girl gets blinded by
deadly kool-aid, boy exploits blind girl and uses
her as a human shield, blind girl gets vision back
miraculously after finally washing the bumbleberry
red out of her eyes... then betrays boy. She then
gets revenge on boy by feeding all of their
possessions into a wood chipper conveniently parked
backstage for some strange reason. (and thank god
they never got a dog together. Just saying). You
know, that
same old story. Yup.
Jamie Noble
vs. Nidia w/o Kool-aid induced blindness: Blindfold
match.
Jamie is of course forced to wear a
blindfold here. You know, kind of like how he has to
when making love to Nidia. The story here is that
Noble cannot take off the hood or he'll be
disqualified, but honestly, I'm more interested and
somewhat mesmerized by Nidia's gigantic enhanced
chest. Obviously, Nidia
recently graduated from the Stephanie McMahon school
of ridiculously oversized titties. Man, would I like
to visit that campus sometime. Who knew when you go
blind, your tits grow two additional sizes? I think
I'm going to go give my girlfriend the Roddy
Piper poke to the eyes and see what happens.
Anyway, Nidia taunts Noble, by kicking him
in the ass and making faces. Psychology clearly not
seen since the famous Flair/Steamboat series in
1989. From there, Noble almost grabs her breasts in
a go behind, and Cole sells it with disgust. OH DEAR
GOD, NO. HE TOUCHED HIS OWN GIRLFRIEND'S TITS. Stop
this madness and stop it now! Her counter though is
to reverse out and pull his pants down. Seriously. I
then get the visual of Patterson feverishly jotting
down notes, as Grenier tries to back out of the
arena slowly like Kool-aid man on Family Guy. Nidia
then continues to kick Noble in the ass, to the
sheer delight of Michael Cole, that fuck. It's right
then I wonder if WWE still has that wood chipper
handy and if it could indeed handle the body of
Michael Cole. I'm more than willing to put in the
time to find out. The end THANKFULLY comes after Noble ends up *cheating* by taking off
the hood briefly, so he could see where Nidia really
was. He then slams her off the top rope, then chokes
her out; which for the record is how most of my
relationships have ended. It's easier to sneak your
possessions out in the middle of the night after a
dragon sleeper. What can I say.
Winner: Jamie Noble. God bless the
WWE. The only place a domestic squabble can end with
one spouse's head covered by a fucking pillow case,
and there not be an ensuing murder trial.
/5
-Backstage, Kurt Angle is asked by Josh
Matthews, THE HARD-HITTING QUESTION of why he
attacked both Cena and Big Show on SmackDown the
other night. Ya, Kurt,
why'd you attack the guys you're going to face in a
match tonight? Don't you know that'd give you an
advantage!!!! Blargggh. Fucking WWE. That's like questioning a soldier why he
just shot at the enemy. Anyway, Cena then interrupts
and says if he's going to attack, he'll do
it to Kurt's face, then he hits him. Man, if Cena's
going to be a Rapper, he better learn to be a little
more subtle when he puts a hit down on a rival. And
I don't know about you, but I can't wait for that
first drive-by Fu-ing...
Bacardi &
Cola (Haas & Benjamin) vs. A.P.A.;
For the record, Bradshaw is selling the arm tonight,
as it's heavily bandaged. That's definitely going to
make it A LOT more difficult to pin rookies against
the wall in the shower room. Anyway, speaking of
Bradshaw, it's kind of hard to take him seriously as
an ass kicker now that he has a sensible
conservative haircut. I guess he figured he'd sell
more copies of "Have More Money Now" (Not to be
confused with Paul Heyman's book which is kind of
the complete opposite of that) if he didn't look
like he just rolled off the farm kickin' horse shit
off his boots. After all, there was a reason why The
Beverly Hillbillies hired Mr. Drysdale to handle
their money. Silly, Bradshaw. Texas hillbillies
don't get to be bankers! They just get to be
President!
Anyway, for the first time in
forever, Faarooq starts this thing, and soon after
we find out why that is the case. Dear god. Anyway,
Faarooq ends up hurting HIS arm soon after, and Haas
applies a hammer-lock that Tazz's points out is and
I quote, "Hammer-like". Had people try to rip your
arms off with hammers a lot there, Tazz? Man, Red
Hook is a tough neighborhood. Eventually, Faarooq
makes his comeback and hits a big spinebuster! And
now a powerbomb! FAAROOQ! FAAROOQ! FAAROOQ IS ON
FIRE! HE DON'T NEED NO WATER, LET THE MOTHERFUCKERS
BURN. Hot tag (ON FIRE) to Bradshaw soon after, and
he folds Haas with the Clothesline from Hell. Satan
himself taught Bradshaw this hold. Then he went and
designed the Hell in a Cell as a playground for
his children! True story. Anyway, in the ensuing
chaos, Benjamin slips in and parts Bradshaw's
stylin' do with a superkick, which should be renamed
the SUPER-DUPER KICK in honor of he and Charlie
being the GREATEST IN THE WORLD. Shelton then gets
the pin. Wow. You'd think working over both dudes
arms for 10 minutes would warrant an
according finish, but Psychology along with his good
pal, Continuity, obviously stepped out for a bit.
They'll be back soon. Hopefully.
Winners: WORLD'S GREATEST TAG TEAM,
who'll hopefully win the belts from Worm Ass post
haste and then deposit Scotty & Rikishi back into
2000 from whence they came. (Scotty opened up a
Worm-hole! It all makes sense now!)

/5
-Goldberg
comes out and finally takes his seat at ringside. I
love how wrestlers never sit through the whole show,
and just show up half way through. Tells you all you
need to know about WWE pay-per-views lately when the
talent can't stomach a full three hours. Anyway, Paul Heyman then comes out. Heyman tells
Goldberg that he will just sit there tonight and not
interfere. Wait. What makes you think a guy who
doesn't work for this brand, and is
completely obsessed with getting to Brock Lesnar
would interfere? Oh. This brings out Brock, who
calls Goldberg out, and Bushy Bill hops the guard
rail from there, and destroys Brock with a
jackhammer. Heyman then has Goldberg arrested
because he jumped the rail. He'd have been allowed
to stick around had he just ran over Brock, or set
him on fire, but you have to draw the line
somewhere, right? Ahem. Anyway, you kind have got to
laugh at the irony of Heyman supporting the giant
Aryan superman over a fellow Jew. But then
again, the more I think about it, the more I wonder
if Heyman really is Jewish. I mean, he
is completely terrible with money. That's your
red flag right there....
-Lesnar is being helped to the back,
when HARDCORE HOLLY'S music hits and Brock is
apprehensive. After all, it took a mind boggling 6
minutes to defeat him completely clean at Royal
Rumble last month. Brock don't want no more of that.
Rhyno vs.
Hardcore Holly;
Ah, Bob Holly vs. the endangered Rhyno. I think for
this match, Holly should have put on an Elmer Fudd
costume, just so he could say, "Be vewy vewy quiet.
I'm hunting Whynos". From there, I picture Holly
going on full safari, randomly DROPKICKING various
endangered species into oblivion. Before looking
down on their carcasses and yelling out "How do you
like me now!" He then flees the scene in a jeep
with NASCAR logos all over it before the wardens
show up and arrest him for poaching. That's right.
The two put on a very slow paced match here (I had
to shave again by the time Holly made his
comeback). But I understand this was primarily due
to a new office mandate where wrestlers are expected
to "tell a story". I think you may have read this
particular story. It's called "Someone kill me now,
this match sucks", and it starts off with "Once upon
a time, there were two guys you don't give a shit
about. And then they had a tedious match". I'd give
away the ending for you, but it kinda
involves you eating a shotgun barrel, and I don't
want to spoil it. Anyway, Rhyno ends up hitting the
GORE, but Holly tumbles to the floor and almost gets
counted out. However, he finds the reserve to
continue, channeling that fighting spirit that
allowed him to once go tit for tat with wrestling
plumber TL Hopper, and he rolls back in. He then
surprises Rhyno with an Alabama slam and gets the
win. Don't ever go to Alabama, you'll get slammed! I
once stopped there and asked for directions, and
next thing you know, I was hanging upside down over
some dudes shoulders. I pretty much blacked out from
there.
Winner: Hardcore Holly and THE BEST
DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS, so don't bother even
trying to compete. It takes YEARS to master jumping
into the air then falling down. You just don't have
it, kid.

/5
Chavo Guerrero w/o Junior w/ Chavo
w/ Senior vs. (C)Rey Mysterio w/ Jorge Paez w/o
anybody knowing just who the fuck he is:
Cruiserweight Title.
The story of this match is that Chavo has claimed
that he will not only win Rey-Rey's title, but he'll
UNMASK him, too. Man, I can't wait to see what Rey
REALLY looks like! And so do the millions of WCW
fans from 1998-2001 who saw him unmasked every week
on national television. Ah, I kid. I love Rey, and I
love his mask. In fact, I'd love to know how he gets
so much love for wearing one, while I myself don't
when I slip on mine. Maybe it's because I'm
also hiding in the bushes? Maybe.
They actually gave this one a lot of time which was
surprising. Jorge Paez is actually ejected from
ringside relatively early for knocking out Chavo
Senior. The irony of this whole situation is Chavo
Senior looks so much like Cheech Marin that I can
just picture a non-wrestling fan clicking onto this
and not understanding why this crazy Aztec is
assaulting Cheech. "Leave him alone! He only smoked
a little pot! He never hurt anybody!"
Anyway, back and forth match here. Both
men end up fighting on the top, and Chavo goes for
Rey's mask, but Rey fights him off, elbows out, and
hits a big moonsault press for two. Chavo then
continues to work the leg, getting a half crab that
almost gets a submission, but
somehow, Rey makes it to the ropes. Rey then rallies
and hits the 619, and looks to finish with the
West-Coast Pop, when someone jumpstarts Chavo's
heart on the floor and he reanimates (Jesus, what
does he think this is, a triple-threat match or
something?) and pushes Rey off the ropes as he
springboards. No! What are you doing, Cheech?!
Whoever said that marijuana doesn't induce violent
behavior is a damned dirty liar! *Ahem*. From there, Chavo jr. quickly makes the academic pin.
Yes, Academic. Funny, when I was in school, I don't
remember having to make pinfalls. Spelling and math?
Sure. Rollups? Not so much.
Winner & NEW Cruiserweight Champion:
Chavo Junior! 2/3 Chavos agree that was a great
match. Even if we never did get to find out what Rey
really looked like....
John Cena vs.
Kurt Angle vs. Big Show; # 1 contenders match.
The Tale of the tape has one of John Cena's
strengths listed as "Doctor of Thuganomics". Dear
god that's hilarious. How in the fuck is that an
advantage? Although, maybe it is. There's more
than a few rap songs out there that would make me
fucking tap out, so maybe I'm wrong.
Anyway, the winner of this match
will meet the WWE Champion at Wrestlemania, as Angle
and Show look to regain the title, and Cena looks to
win his first, and make history as becoming the
first ever black WWE Champion. What? Why not? A
world where fucking Rodney Mack is classified as an
African American, is clearly a world where Cena can
also make the same boast. That's right.
They do the usual three-way shtick
where there are only two in the ring while the other
lays on the floor for a ridiculously long time. Man,
and they didn't even get punched by Jorge Paez
first. Strange. Cena's knee is *injured* during the match,
but he does manage to execute an FU on Big Show
anyway. However, Angle is in to break up any attempt
at a pin. Got to love Pro Wrestling. The only place
in the world where you're encouraged to scoop up the
heaviest people possible and launch them through the
air. If only it was like this in real life. Go to a
mall and just start scoop slamming anyone over 300
pounds you see. I GUARANTEE you that'd be the best
deterrent to obesity possible. BODYSLAM A FAT
PERSON...TO SAVE THEIR LIFE! Only in America!
(because that's where all that fat people are...).
From there,
Angle hits the "Angle Slam"
(whose else would it be?) on Show but he kicks out
at two, showing the fire and reserve that has kept
him U.S. Champion for 5 straight months. That, and
the fact he's made only one title defense. Yup.
From there, Cena goes
for an F-U on Angle, but he floats over, and applies
the ankle-lock, but Show breaks that up with a
chokeslam to Kurt. Cena then recovers and rolls up
Show (as much as you can roll up Big Show) for a
close 2. From there, Show fires off a
defensive Chokeslam on Cena, but Angle pulls him off
before the three. Angle then gets the CANKLE LOCK on
Big Show, but Cena makes the save. Five-knuckle
shuffle to Angle from there. Clearly, more holds
need to be pseudonyms for masturbation like that.
Let's try it. Cena then tries jerkin' the gherkin
(F-U) on Kurt, but Show comes back in and flogs the
bishop (Clips Cena's knee). Angle then tries to
spank the monkey (German suplex Big Show), but Show
just ends up pounding the pud (hitting the arena
floor). Kurt then turns his attention back to Cena,
and liquidates the inventory (applies the
ankle-lock) and gets the orgasm (tap out).
Winner and #1 contender at
Wrestlemania: Kurt Angle. Serves them both right for
wrestling the bald headed (Olympic) champ. (one more
masturbation allegory for the road!).
(C)
Brock
Lesnar w/ Here comes the Pain vs. Eddie Guerrero w/
there goes the Painkillers: WWE Title match.
According to pre-match vignette, Eddie said
that he's always had to overcome obstacles
and battle his demons. He then told Brock that "the
voices in his head" are now telling him that Lesnar
is his
next obstacle. Voices? Damn. If this guy is
hearing voices while he's sober, just how fucked up
was this guy on drugs then? Anyway, totally
excellent match that was given a lot of time, and
was actually not that predictable, seeing how
they *seemingly* got the Goldberg spot out of the
way. Eddie plays the perfect "never say die"
babyface here, and Lesnar bumps like a maniac as
well. One cool spot saw Brock catch an Eddie rana
attempt, and he just swings him around and lets him
fly. Crazy shit.
Anyway, Lesnar ends up missing a charge, and
appears to hurt his knee. Eddie then proceeds to
wear him down with a series of varying leglocks over
the next 10 minutes, but Brock won't tap out. Brock
eventually gets the advantage, and applies some
submissions of his own, but Eddie also won't give
in. From there, the match builds with excellent
drama as an increasingly flustered Lesnar starts
yelling "just die" at Eddie repeatedly. Although,
I'm convinced he just overheard Triple H yelling it
out while watching an RVD/Chris Jericho match, and
just thought it'd be a cool thing to do. I could be
wrong though....
Eddie regains the advantage soon there
after, and Lesnar has a bloody nose. THE ANIMAL HAS
TASTED HIS OWN BLOOD...and it tastes like, umm,
blood? Pretty much. Lesnar tries to charge Eddie in
the corner from there, but Eddie moves, and he goes
for, and hits, the triple-verticals. Eddie then goes
up top for the frog
splash, but Lesnar moves and Eddie crashes and
burns. Lesnar then looks to finish with his F-5, but
Eddie's leg catches the referee in the head in
mid-move and he gets bumped. Brock has the cover,
but there's no referee. Lesnar then goes for the WWE
Title to presumably use on Eddie, when a
Homeless-looking Bill Goldberg has RETURNED. And the
hand-cuffs are broken! Man, he must be one of those
homeless guys strung out on PCP. Homeless Bill then
spears Lesnar and leaves him for dead. As opposed to
slitting his throat with a box-cutter then rolling
his lifeless body out of his boxcar like other hobos
would. YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIS TIN CANS ALONE,
BROCK.
Goldberg then flees the scene, to
presumably get a change of clothes, a warm bed and a
free bowl of soup backstage, and Eddie covers, as
the referee comes to, but Lesnar kicks out at 2
3/4's. Eddie then picks up the belt, and
swings at Lesnar, but Brock ducks, and scoops him up
for the F-5... but Eddie counters into a mid-move
DDT and drives Brock headfirst into the belt as
well. Eddie then goes up and connects on the
frogsplash. Brock may not be a frog, (although he is
dating someone amphibious-looking in Sable) but the
splash finishes regardless, and Eddie gets the win
and the title!
After the match, Eddie embraces his
family at ringside who came to see him win tonight.
Man, that must have been a mighty long swim from El
Paso! Ah, I kid. Great moment and a new Champion!
Winner & NEW WWE Champion: Eddie
Guerrero! He has finally climbed that mountain and
rightfully so. And he did it completely clean and
sober. So, with that said, let us all drink a toast
to Eddie Guerrero! Ahem. Maybe that's not that good
of an idea, after all....
End show.
FINAL
THOUGHTS: This pay-per-view was headed for a
complete fucking nose-dive until Rey/Chavo, which
was great; then from there it built
beautifully to Eddie's big moment. So, once again,
THE MEXICANS SAVE THE DAY. Not only do they work
harder than anyone for like no money, but in this
case, they made my money worth spending here
tonight. Hats off (Sombrero's off?) to them. Great
feel-good ending here. Big Thumbs up. Even if I had
to take a few kicks in the nuts (the first half of
the card) to get there....