Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

TNA 
NO SURRENDER 2008
(09/14/08)
 
Neil Cathan here with your favourite three day old results from TNA's Pay Per View! This time it's No Surrender, the show I'd love to say “NO” to surrendering my time and money for. But sadly, that's not really an option. After all, if I didn't tell you about it three days later, how would you know what happened!? Exactly.

We open with a OHV (Over-dramatic hype video). These things are one of my guilty pleasures. Hypes up our main, which has 4 ex-WWE guys. Yay. In all fairness, Angle and Booker are great,and Christian is more of a TNA guy in my view, as he chose to go there and has been there for years.

We're live from Oshawa Ontario, and our resident old guy who won't put the young guys over is out first. You know the one. Oh fine, I'll be more specific. The one who paints his face like a mime. If we're in Ontario, I want Toronto fans. I demand my bizarro world fans! If Jerry Lawler said it, it must be true. I took his advice on the best uh...“treats” to get from girl scouts selling tickets, and never looked back.

Sting puts over being in Canada, and for once the announcers are being quiet. Hooray! Fans chant “You're a legend!” Sting mentions that he's done with contract negotiations, so he'll be facing the winner of tonight's main event at BFG. Man just for signing a contract? Crowd are kinda dead for Sting's old guy rant. Sting gets a cheap pop from mentioning Bret Hart. Did I mention I've been in the Hart dungeon? Possibly coolest moment of my life.

Earlier today~! Someone got out of a car! That someone was Christian, so it's kinda awesome, but still? My Pay Per View Value for money? Booker T is caught in a hurricane, so he can't be here tonight. The guy's only a midcarder though, so Booker should be able to go over him, right?

Rock 'N' Rave Infection vs Truth Justice Brotherhood

Midcarders alert! Talking, leaving cars and midcarders. Man, I'm glad I get this PPV for free. Not saying that TJB don't entertain me, but man, this is all iMPACT stuff so far. Hoyt does what Tenay calls “A perfectly placed knee”, and I call retarded spinning that made no contact. Curry tags Hemme in with Rave, and starts copping a feel. Christopher Daniels committing sexual harassment! Value for money on this TNA Pay Per View. Lance Hoyt drops Shark Boy onto Rave's knee in the worst looking double team ever, and we're back to generic back and forth. Don West is talking about porn, after Curry starts making out with Hemme. Yeah. I'm as sickened as you are. Shark Boy hits the Stunner on Hemme, which gets a face pop. Huh, its not only RoH fans who love violence towards women. Curry pins Hemme by lying on top of her.

Winner: Curry Man. Dude gets paid to get to second base with Christy Hemme. An inspiration to all of us.

Video hyping Knockouts match between Kong and ODB. Since Gail Kim left, the division has looked empty to me.

Awesome Kong vs O.D.B. Falls Count anywhere.

ODB is being really loud on entering, while Kong looks calm and utterly terrifying. ODB and Raisha brawl outside, and Kong launches an attack on ODB while she's distracted. ODB puts a table lightly on top of Kong, knocking her down. Table in the corner, but Kong uses the time ODB spent to recover, and go back on the attack. Brawl in the crowd now, and ODB shows utter incompetence in using a garbage can, barely hit Kong with it at all, who sells like a trooper anyway. ODB sticks a chair in the corner opposite to the table, and after the two of them run uselessly around the ring, Kong sort of throws herself through the chair. Kong tries to Awesome Bomb ODB through the table, but ODB dodges it by being heavy. Kong goes to talk to Raisha, and ODB powerbombs her through the table, which doesn't break. Two count. ODB throws Kong's manager, who is indy wrestler Cheerleader Melissa, a stunningly good worker who's wasted in the gimmick into the barrier. And man, Kong is having a boring match. This shouldn't happen. Less than an hour into the show, and I'm feeling sleepy. ODB mists Kong with alcohol, but still gets a running spinebuster through a table in the corner to mercifully end this match.

Winner: Awesome Kong

Huge pop for Christian's promo backstage, where he puts over that he lived just one hour away from this arena as a kid. Great Christian promo. Brilliant, made the title seem like the most important thing in the world, while putting his match tonight over. Highlight of the night so far, but that's not a huge surprise.

Video for the tag match, focusing on Abyss. I have to agree with Bubba Ray “You are nothing but a shadow of the monster you once were” Sad, but true.

Team 3D vs Abyss and Matt Morgan

Announcers talk about how Matt Morgan is “The Blueprint” for building the perfect wrestler, and that if you tried to build the perfect wrestler, you'd get Matt Morgan. I believe that cloning facility was located in the Ohio Valley. Abyss looks to have put on some weight. We get a fairly generic match, as Abyss is only interesting when they're letting him be a monster, which his new gimmick is specifically built around not being. Sideslam! Even Nash can do that move, and it's a highspot in this match. With the exception of Christian's promo nothing has been Pay Per View quality so far. Team 3D try to leave, and sadly our babyface hosses stop them. And we're back to a slow match. Team 3D start working Abyss's knee, which will of course end up with no bearing on the finish. But they can make the match even slower if they just sit on his knees. Fans chanting “We Want tables!”. “End this match!” would be more accurate, if you ask me. Morgan 'hits' a running big boot on Devon, but Ray pulls the ref out. While the refs outside, Devine hits Morgan with a chair, but he kicks when Devon pins him. Two count on the 3D. Morgan lariats Team 3D, tags Abyss in, who hits a shock treatment on Devine. Dudley Death Device, which because Abyss weighs a bunch and Bubba actually can't lift him properly, looks crap. Gets two. Abyss has a chair, and hesitates long enough for Ra to jump him from behind. Morgan punches the chair into Devon's face while the ref looks on casually. Yeah, you don't have to do your job or anything. Black Hole Slam and pin for three.

Winners: Vanilla Abyss and Blue Print.

Bubba hits Abyss from behind, and Abyss thinks it was Morgan for some reason, and Morgan bails after an argument. Can an Abyss/Matt Morgan match be far off? Can it happen on iMPACT where I won't have to watch it? Please?

Hype video for our international X match.

X-Division title match: Petey Williams vs Shiek Abdul Bashir vs Consequences Creed

Fans shit on Creed and pop huge for Petey Williams. Fans chant “You screwed Bret!” at Hebner. Nice to know somethings never change. After a three way exchange, Creed hits a great dive onto the other two, earning brief acceptance from the fans, who then remember he's an evil all-American, and look ashamed. The funny thing being the fans who hugged him were cosplaying as wrestlers, and Creed made them ashamed. Williams gets a springboard codebreaker followed by a rana to the outside on Creed. Just calling the big spots and general structure. Williams demolishes both men. Creed with a huge leg drop on both men from the top. Williams has a sharpshooter on Bashir, but without McMahon telling him to ring the damn bell, Hebner doesn't know how to call the match. Finish is the same as every multi-way Williams match, as he hits the destroyer and someone else gets the pin. This time it's Bashir getting the pin on Creed. Fans shit on it in the worst way.

Winner and new champion: Sheik Abdul Bashir

Knockouts Title match: Taylor Wilde vs Angelina Love

Ok, so of the Beautiful people, when one of them is a good worker, one of them cuts a good promo, one of them has heat and one of them actually lives up to the beautiful moniker, why would you pick Angelina Love as the person for the title feud? Taylor Wilde brings out...RHINO! Who rushes the ring. Rhino is her back up to match Kip James. I remember when this guy was a main event level guy in this company. Talk about a sinking star. Angelina Love is Canadian, which I learnt as a new thing today, and the announcers aren't making anything of. When they're in Canada. First hint I got was that the crowd were on her side, and since she's a useless waste of space, that's the only conceivable reason. Generi Diva match, sadly. Only match that was good tonight was too short. This is just a long episode of iMPACT. Lame. Stiff kick on Love, and Kip runs in, only to get cut in half with a gore Gore GORE!!!. Wilde does something, scoring a pin to retain. Missed it while I was marking for the gore. Quality reporting, only here on TWF! Wait, don't go...

Winner by pinfall: Taylor Wilde

Hype video for “Ladder of Love” match. Val's ring will be above the ring. Got to love a woman who lists “ability to climb ladders” as something she looks for in a man. That's why I've been single for so long! I haven't been climbing enough ladders! Excuse me while I find someone else to recap the rest of this show while I go practice!

...

Turns out no-one wants my reviewing gig. So I'll climb ladders after the show. I'll never be single again!

Ladder of Love match. Jay Lethal vs Sonjay Dutt

I'm sorry, but they;re fighting over a ring on a soft pillow on a pink platform. Something about this makes it impossible for me to take my men rolling around in tights pretending to fight seriously. Apparently Jackie took Salinas out backstage. Story of the match is that both men are fucking around with ladders, stopping any of the fast paced exciting stuff, as they just hit each other a few ties with punches, before going fr a ladder. Backdrop from the ring to a ladder between the apron and the ring is a huge spot, which takes Dutt out. It'd be awesome in any match where they're not fighting over the silliest looking prize ever. If they'd just tied Val up there, this'd be interesting. Maybe I just want to see Val tied up. They would have made it a variant of the Utimate X match. Rather than “Ladder of Love”, we could see “Ultimate Sex”. You know it makes sense. Anyway, Lethal is dropped from one ladder onto another which is propped between rungs of the first one and the ropes. Unique spot. Lethal sets a ladder horizontally across the second turnbuckle, lifts him by the leg and repeatedly smacks him headfirst into the ladder. Sick spot. Guru stops it, and ties Lethal in a tree of woe, with Lethal's head in the ladder. Lethal dropkicks the ladder, and Lethal looks dead. If only this was happening in a match I could take seriously. Ladder propped across two chairs on the ramp, and Dutt hits a jumping neckbreaker across the ladder. This match is utterly insane. Dutt and Lethal are killing themselves to give us a good match here. So many spots I've never seen in a ladder match before, and with good reason. Most wrestlers have a fear of death. Camel clutch on top of two ladders in the ring by Dutt. Lethal pushes him off. Val helps Lethal out of the ladder, and Dutt shouts at Val. Val then gives Lethal the interference needed for the win with a low blow. SWERVE! Dutt and Val make out after the match.

Winner: Sonjay Dutt.

Kurt Angle promo. Angle sets up a feud with Jarrett. That should be interesting, if only for both men standing there and slowly coming to the realisation that one of them will have to put someone over.

Tag Title Match:LAX vs Beer Money (c)

Back and forth, as Homicide sells a hip toss like death. Hernandez with a flying shoulderblock. Usual story in LAX match is role reversed, as Hernandez is our giant Ricky Morton, while Homicide is our tiny Robert Gibson. Hernandez comes back in, and takes both guys out. Storm alcohol mists Hernandez. When you steal spots from ODB, you're in trouble. Hernandez dives onto the heels. Homicide misses a glass bottle shot to Storm. Homicide goes for the Kudo driver in the ring,but Moore powders his eyes, allowing Roode to get a pin to retain.

Wiiners and Still Champions: Beer Money

Hype video for our MMA style match

Frank Trigg cuts a generic heel promo. MMA styles matches confuse, because it feels like admitting that wrestling is fake on a wrestling show. Although the match itself will be worked, natch.

Frank Trigg vs AJ Styles: MMA style match three five minute rounds with a minute break.

Quick takedown and slam, and they go to ground, but AJ gets to his feet with Trigg. Knees thrown by Trigg, and the two spill out of the ropes, with the refs pulling them apart. Showing his Pride background, Trigg throws knees on the ground back in the ring. Seriously, Pride allowing knees on the ground to the head was massively dumb. Fans chant “We Want Wrestling” and “Fire Russo”. Been a while since I'd heard that. Flying armbar on Trigg, but the time runs out on the round before Trigg could tap. So I have to sit here and wait for a minute. Round two. “This is Bullshit” It's almost as if wrestling fans don't want an MMA show when they pay to see wrestling. Styles rushes Trigg with punches, Styles hits Trigg low and the match is called.

“BULLSHIT!” as the match ends.

Winner by DQ: Frank Trigg.

Styles gets a kendo stick and obliterates Trigg to huge pop from the crowd.

Samoa Joe promo. Mostly attacking Sting.

OHV for our main event.

TNA World Heavyweight Title Match: Samoa Joe vs Christian Cage vs Kurt Angle

Sadly, Sting/Jarrett stuff hasn't happened earlier in the show,, which means this match will contain shenanigans.

OHV for each individual wrestler in the match.

All wrestlers make their entrances, and then Sting's music plays. Joe hits Sting on the ramp, and Styles and security break the two up. JB does the introductions, and our ref Earl Hebner gets the biggest heel heat of the night, contrasted by Christian, who gets the biggest face pop of the night. Heel heat on Angle, and a mixed response for Joe.

Joe and Cage look at each other, shrug and go straight for Angle. Angle gets taken out, and Joe goes face to face with Cage. Tie up, and a shoulderblock sending Cage down to violent boos. Back and forth between Joe and Cage, before Angle takes Cage to the outside. Joe chokes Angle, Cage in, belly to bellies on both other guys. Possible botch sees Cage land badly on a top rope bump, landing past the mats to hit his knees on the concrete. It's Joe and Angle here. Cage back in, crotching Angle on the corner post, and crossbodying Joe from the top. Super Belly to belly on Cage for two. Big spots and structure as usual here, as some other stuff's happening, but no-one wants a play by play here. Angle avoids the Unprettier, and takes three germans. Joe takes Angle out, but fails to Musclebuster Cage. Nice spot where Joe powerbombs Angle, who has Cage held for a belly to belly. Cage turns and Angle Slam into an armdrag. Angle lock slapped on, but Joe breaks it up. Deeply stupid looking double anglelock Joe Musclebusters Christian, but Angle distracts Hebner while Joe pins. When Hebner notices, it's too late. Joe throws Cage onto Angle, before diving onto both of them. Cage unprettier Joe after sending Angle out. Anglee pulls Hebner out, who hits his head hard on the steel barrier. Cage's pin doesn't get counted. Angle gets a chair and obliterates both men. Angle puts the lock on Joe, J.J guitar shots Angle, Joe musclebusters him, and gets the pin.

Winner and still TNA champion: Samoa Joe

All in all, a good show. A always, check out all the great stuff on the site. From the weekly reviews on RAW Smackdown and ECW, to the hilarious Deadface Walking, once again consistently the best weekly thing on the whole damn internet, and last but not least my co-sufferer in TNA on a more regular basis, Nicole Cooper provides some excellent reviews of TNA iMPACT. Although that post seems to have a big turnover for some reason...


See you all next month for Bound For Glory

 
Send feedback to Neil Cathan

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).