Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

TNA 
NO SURRENDER
2007
(07/09/07)
 
Hello-it's your favourite gues-hang on. I'm staff now? Wow. I don't know what to say. I'd like to thank everyone who wrote to Santa 3 months early asking for it, all you good people, and obviously, Sean Carless. Because y'know. I need a site to be staff on. Oh man-but now I can't just throw things together. Also, I'm very sad, because there's no more Jerry Lynn for me to recap. Get ready for the least sensible recap ever as I bring to you for the first time ever...Totally Nonsensical Action!!!

Show opens by telling us that Sting is a future Hall of Famer. Wouldn't that require TNA to have a Hall Of Fame?

Someone's sign claims they came to see VKM. Get that chick to the medical facility NOW! Serious head trauma. I'm glad to say, I'm pretty sure that she'll be disappointed. Unless I forgot which match they were in, or, more likely, blanked it from my mind so I could retain some optimism.

TNA World Tag Titles:Team Pacman vs Team Oldman

Ah..we're getting the Angle match out of the way first.

Pacman is out from his Winnebago to ringside, and is followed by Ron “wasn't I released?” Killings. Sting and Angle, with new music come down to the ring.

Sting and Killings start us off. Killings goes straight to work on Sting, and Sting comes back with dropkicks and leg lariats. Mario refuses to be tagged in. Angle is tagged in. Killing punches Angle repeatedly. Angle gets a belly-to-belly, and Megaman doesn't want a tag. Angle chases the heels, but Killings starts slamming him in the ring. Chinlock. Because this match has clearly been just EXHAUSTING. Oh look, Karen Angle. And she's set back. And comes back again, like a shrill boomerang. Sting tells her to go away, and she slaps him. Sting bitchslaps her. Well, he doesn't, but the fans think he did. There was wrestling going on at this time, but Cameramen decided we needed to see that instead. Angle leaves, and Sting rolls in. Sting with the Deathdrop. Donkey Kong tags in, and Angle hits the Angle Slam on Sting. Ken gets the three.

Loser: The two actual wrestlers.

DULL. Not even my appalling lack of knowledge of arcade characters saved that. But really, did you expect it to? Angle gets a short first match, where he basically does nothing. So not much less than usual then.

James Storm is looking around for Rhino in bars. Oh-over the last few weeks, not now. Advert for Bound For Glory.

J.B recaps what the video just told us. Rhino cuts a promo where he uses his real name. Oh-it's a SHOOT! Just for that-I'm locking Russo up in a cage.
[image]


James Storm vs Rhino.

Rhino is out to brawl with Storm, who flees. Rhino follows him out. Storm and Rhino brawl through the crowd. Somehow, one punch to the gut sends Rhino flying through the air and down the stairs. Storm hits a crossbody. Rhino comes back, throwing Storm over the rail, and beating him with a non-sign guy sign. Experience all the pain of cardboard. Storm backdrops Rhino on the ramp. Rhino reverses a whip, and Storm hits the rails. Bell rings. Crowd are hot for this. Probably because it actually contains wrestling. Rhino misses a charge, but gets a belly-to-belly. Moore interferes, and Storm gets a lungblower on Rhino. Lariat for Rhino, and Storm walks around the ring, before going for the pin. Chinlock, which is excusable this time. Rhino dodges a lariat from Storm, but gets a kneelift. Storm taunts, before working Rhino with stomps and rights. Story here is Storm keeping Rhino from getting to his feet and doing damage. Lasts for a while, before Rhino sets his house on fire, allowing him to beat up Storm in his urge to get to a phone and call the fire brigade. Storm allows this horrific arson to continue, taking the advantage again. Rhino gets a belly-to-belly, and then a gore for 2. Fans chant “One More Time!” Fans hand Rhino chairs. Rhino signals for a Rhinodriver, and gets Storm up, but Storm escapes, hitting an avalanche cutter onto the chairs. I think Storm might be the next big hardcore wrestler. This guy really works in this kind of match. Pin gets a 2, and Storm isn't Dqd. Storm gets a table out, and Rhino gets a T.K.O for 2. Table goes in corner, and Rhino takes a jawbreaker. Rhino fights back, going up top. Storm gets a superplex. Gets 2. Fans get into a “This Is Awesome!” chant. Superkick misses, and Rhino gores Storm through a table.

Winner: Rhino.

That's the second James Storm match where I've thought “That might just be the best brawl, if not best match I've seen this year.” Brilliant. Rhino does something with a keg, and Moore tries to stop him,only for Rhino to bring her into the ring, and Gores her.

A satisfying end to a match. See what happens when I lock Russo up so he can't hurt anyone?  Yeah, I'm just using the same picture. So sue me. Actually, please don't. I have little money.
[image]


Oh-TNA's getting a two hour timeslot. This really could either be very good, or totally shit. Only time will tell. And our new recapper.

Wow! More Kurt Angle! Kurt claims he lost the titles because Sting slapped his wife. No Kurt-you lost your titles because you hit the guy with your finisher. Nash tries to calm Angle, and Sting comes in to attack Angle. Cornette sends Sting and Karen home. Karen throws a hissy fit. Big announcement about iMPACT! Could it be that they're getting two hours? Recap of Roode/Brooke/Kaz love triangle. It's difficult to express how little I care.

Robert Roode w/Tracy vs Kaz

Robert Roode comes out with Tracy who looks sad. Kaz comes down, and Tracy happy. Shoving contest, and some poor action from Roode. Monkey flip on Roode, followed by a rana, but Roode comes back with an armbar. Kaz with a bridging belly to belly. Some dull action, and Kaz avoids a fisherman suplex. Both men spill to the outside, and Tracy doesn't know who to check. Kaz is sent into Brookes. Which doesn't sound to bad to me. Back in the ring, there's a back suplex. Roode distracts the ref so Tracy can interfere, but she doesn't. Yep, standard boring love triangle psychology here. Savage/Elizabeth/George this ain't. Because that'd clearly require Jay Lethal, or something. Fans start up a “boring” chant. Announcers try to make it sound interesting. But like anything that includes Don West, it fails. Quite badly. Oh look, an enzuiguri. Roode comes out with a spinebuster. Chain is mistaken for knucks, and West claims that he's “using them as brass knuckles”. That would require them to be brass, genius. Kaz kicks the chainucks out of his hands, rolls Roode up for two, and comes off top for 2. Springboard is met with a shoulderblock. Roode looks for the knucks, but Tracy has hidden it. Kaz gets a nice over-the-top senton to the outside. Kaz kisses her wrist, which was hurt earlier, but I was a bit lazy about recapping it Springboard back elbow. Lariat, kick and a slingshot DDT. Tracy prays. This one's picking up a bit. Kaz hits something cool that I missed, but it only gets 2. Goes for it off the top, and it looked enzuiguriish. Chops exchanged, and a facecrusher off the top gets two for Kaz. Kaz goes up top, and misses. Fisherman Suplex gets two. Tracy is concerned for Kaz, and Roode sends her back.

Winner: Roode.

Well, that was a pretty good match. I'd certainly take it over Balls/Miz. Hey Gersh! My love triangle's better than yours!

Jay Lethal is backstage with some new hot chick. She looks like Harmony from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Nash tells Lethal to “take the dive”, Machismo misunderstands, telling him he'll do a Snuka dive. Nash reminds him that he means he should lie down.

TNA X Division Title: Kurt Angle vs Jay Lethal

I recognise that music. It's that X-Division guy who can, at most, do a moonsault. Black Machismo is out, and crowd is much louder for Lethal. Angle with a nice takedown, but Lethal returns with an armbar, pushing Angle back into a corner. I missed some stuff, and we come back with a side headlock takedown. Hiptoss is rolled through on, and Jay gets a dropkick, and a sledge from the top for two. Lethal is powerbombed into the corner, and Angle lays in the stomps. Nice backbreaker, and the ring competent Angle of old seems to be back. First time in a long time I've really enjoyed an Angle match. Having Lethal as an opponent can't hurt. Suplex and a body scissors, Lethal is out, and is caught with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Bodyslam puts Lethal down, and is followed by stomps. European uppercut gets Lethal down. Back suplex gets two. Angle gets the only chinlock that looks good, as the knee in the small of the back and sitting on the target position actually makes it look painful. Lethal is out, but gets a belly-to-belly. Lethal gets a lariat, and a satellite rana, German suplex that Lethal flips the full way over on. Unlike Sabu, he manages not to be freaking killed by that. Angle slam attempt into a DDT by Lethal for 2. This is a really good match, and certainly better than I expected. Spider man suplex by Angle gets 2. Lethal escapes the angle lock, and gets a small package that looked like it might be the finish, but no dice. Rolling germans, 1,2,3.
Some back and forth action, and an Angle Slam goes into an armdrag, Lethal Combination, followed by the Elbow Drop, only gets two. Rolling pin attempt series, and a release german takes Lethal out. Straps down, Angle Slam, Lethal rolls through for a pin, but it's turned into an angle lock, which Lethal rolls through on, for a THREE COUNT!

OH HELL YES! A possible match of the year, gets so much better for that huge upset. Bet you're glad I had Russo locked up near the start, huh? Please, TNA, don't screw this one up.

J.B interviews Black Reign. Who is dressed as a palette change Goldust. And I thought that Pacman was our only game thingy here.

No-DQ: Chris Harris vs Black Reign

Rat that is apparently “Misty the Arctic Fox” and sorta icepick thingy in hand, Reign comes out to the ring after Harris. Harris doesn't wait, and takes it to Reign. All sorts is used to take the fight to Reign, but as it gets back in the ring, Reign gets the advantage back. The face paint seems to come off really easy. Silver paint and wrestling don't mix. I'm sorry, but after that last match, this is just a let down, and not as good as our last hardcore brawl. So I'm somewhat half-assing this match. Harris rolls Reign up. This is dull.

Winner: Chris Harris

Don West tells Harris he should “Handcuff him up and take advantage of him” Eww. Harris beats up Black Reign. Reign uncuffs himself, and chairshots Harris. Misty is put on Harris's face. Hell, I'd like Misty on my face. Brock might get jealous though.

Christian's hair looks grey. He cuts a good promo. Apparently the fire dancers are Joe's family. Christian gives AJ and Tomko the night off from having to run interference.

Tag Gauntlet No. 1 Tag Contenders

AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels start us off. Forearm trading, and some swift moving, letting AJ lay in stomps, spinning powerbomb by Daniels. Homicide is out, and we don't need no faces in this match clearly. The former RoH champion takes it to Daniels and AJ, who eventually team up to take him out. Yet ANOTHER heel. Those the tag division have no faces. Sabin comes in, and I'm gonna have to glaze over some stuff here, because action's all over the place. Havoc out. Jesus, are there no faces left in the company? Havoc beats up some guys, who start taking it to him, and Petey! A face! Canadian Destroyer off the bat on Havoc. Homicide got taken out, but I missed it. I don't think Havoc's been eliminated. AJ tosses Sabin. D-Von Dudley makes his way to the ring, overpowering everyone in the ring. Jimmy Rave is on his way out with Hemme. Rave puts on a good showing, with a tilt-a-whirl headscissor into a fujiwara armbar. Brother ray is out, and Team 3D start taking people out. Havoc gets tossed. Raven with Top Hat. Yeah, Bullfrog said his piece on that. Raven looks good, considering his thyroid is supposed to be causing problems. 3D get rid of Raven. I miss the days he was booked as maineventer here. Shark Boy is out, apparently his partner for this is Eric Young. Shark Boy escapes elimination from 3D, and bites D-Von's ass. Bubba sends Shark Boy out. Gandutt! They're letting him wrestle! Partner is evidently Williams, who 3D send out. Lots of people have been eliminated. Rave included. Oh damn. VKM are in the match. B.G is out, and is dull. What did you expect? Oh goodie. Hernandez. Because we needed more crappy workers in this match. B.G and then Hernandez. Have we run out of good wrestlers for this match? I guess so, Since Tomko is out now. D-Von avoids elimination from Tomko, who dodges a Bubba charge, which takes out D-Von. Tomko throws Bubba over. Skipper is out. Alex Shelley is on his way out. Gandutt super sells a punch from Shelley to the point of rolling all around the ring. We get it Sonjay. You really want to be fired. Hoyt is out to the ring, having made out for a while on the ramp with Hemme. Doesn't stay long though. Because clearly being involved in a clusterfuck match is much more exciting than making out with a really hot chick in a corset. Sonjay gets thrown over the top rope. Eric Young is out, and all men are out now.

Young goes for various side headlocks. Gets suplexed. Styles saves Tomko from elimination. Hoyt is sent out by Tomko, who Young takes out. Daniels and Kip James go over the top together. Ain't it sweet? We're down to Styles, Shelley and Young in the ring. Young puts the hurt on both heels, who eventually take Young out.

So now we have a heel vs heel tag match, to decide who will wrestle our heel tag team next PPV. Heel vs Heel matches work less than Face vs Face matches.

Tomko is out, and so is Sabin. Hmm, Shelley, Sabin Styles and Tomko. Spot the odd one out. Motor city Machine-guns start doing the damage to Tomko. Lots of nice double teams. Roll up mania! AJ rolls up Sabin.

Winner: Styles&Tomko

Joe promo. Cuts a damn good one, coming off as a very intense scary guy. Which, let's face it, he is.

Christian Cage vs Samoa Joe

A greying Christian Cage makes his way to the ring, followed by an intense Joe. Forearms and a leg lariat and stiff kicks. Cage fights back, but only briefly. Facewash, and an Ole kick. Powerbomb swing into the guardrail, and Joe takes it to Cage on the ramp. Christian is being thrown all around. Which annoys me, because I want Cage to get some offence back so I can see if he's aged in other ways. He gets a brief bit, and looks good as ever. Clearly just greys early. And yes, I realise I'm obsessing. Joe takes the fight back, and hits a suicide dive. Joe dropped neck first across ropes. Dropkick gets two. No he's still blond on closer inspection. Yeah, I'll shut up. Don't worry. Sleeper, and Joe goes to the ropes, but Cage pulls him back. Joe stands up, dropping back. Rolling block to Cage's knees. Cage chokes Joe on the ropes, and facewashes him. Cage tries the Ole, but it's blocked. Cage comes back into the corner, but Joe gets his catching uranage. Death Valley Driver gets 2! I always mark big for that move. High knee in corner, and some nice offence, followed by the senton. Coquina attempt is sent into an Unprettier, which is blocked, but Cage takes Joe out. Cage misses a frogsplash. That powerbomb to STF spot we all love to see, opens a “John Cena sucks!”chant. Into a clutch, but Cage rolls over for a pin, gets two. Cage avoids the musclebuster, goes running, and is snap powerslammed. Both men go up top, and Christian gives Joe an inverted DDT off the top. Only gets two, and Cage goes for the Unprettier. Cage rolls his feet on the ropes and goes for a pinning position, but ref spots this, which finished their last PPV match. Joe making Cage tap is teased, but Cage reaches the ropes. Ref is stupid, and pulls Joe's hair to get him off Cage. Ref gets a Samoan drop, Cage gets a musclebuster. DQ is called.

Winner by DQ:Christian Cage.

Security comes out, and he takes them all out. One of them takes a powerbomb real well. BM, Petey and Dutt are out, and sent over the top. Matt Morgan, who is apparently management's enforcer, pulls Joe of Cage. They stare down, as Cornette persuades Joe to leave it. Joe gives Morgan the finger as he leaves.

That was pretty freaking intense. This has been one of the best PPVs TNA has put on for a very long time.

And we still have the main event to come. JB interviews Angle, who's not happy. But Angle, you're basically on the whole show. How could you not be happy. Nash tries to help Angle, who's angry as all hell, and lets loose at Nash, who gets angry and leaves.

Team Pacman promo. They have a lame catchphrase.

Abyss comes out, followed by Angle.

TNA World Heavyweight Title Match Kurt Angle vs Abyss

Tie-up and Angle is put in the corner. Angle gets a waistlock, but no luck with the german. Abyss throws Angle off. Angle goes in for a headlock, but is sent against the ropes and takes a shoulderblock.

Abyss puts Angle up top, and taps him on the head before leaving him, Angle gets in Abyss's face, and hits rights. Angle tries to flee Abyss, who grabs the straps. Abyss continues to ragdoll Angle. Some stupid fan is laughing like the villain in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I'm filled with an urge to punch him. Chopblock takes Abyss out back in the ring. Angle starts stomping away at Abyss's knee. Abyss fires back with rights, but it doesn't last long before Angle is back to the knee. Elbows and knee strikes to Abyss's knees, and Angle applies a submission. Abyss is eventually up, and chops away at Angle. Abyss regrets whipping Angle though, as it is turned into a chopbock. Grapevine on the knee and ankle. Abyss uses his strong leg to fight back. Right. Story is that Angle is hurting the knee, relentlessly. I'll tell you when something else happens.

......................................................

Lariat! It took a while. Abyss gets the splash, and seems to have forgotten to sell the knee. Angle comes running in, and is spinebustered. Angle misses a charge, hitting the guardpost shoulder first. Shock Treatment for two. Chokeslam into a roll up for 2.Abyss throws Angle into the corner, misses a charge, and Angle finally gets the german. Straps down. Angle Slam gets two. Angle lock, Abyss escapes by powering Angle off. Chokeslam gets two. And...Angle back with another chopblock. Moonsault all across the ring. Looked great. Knee fun. Going for the ankle too now. Angle starts removing the boot of Abyss. Boot's off, and now Angle works on Abyss's unprotected ankle. Top rope knee drop, Abyss avoids, going for a chokeslam. Angle goes running, and is caught with a Black Hole Slam. Angle escapes a tombstone, cinching on the Ankle Lock. Abyss nearly gets the ropes, but not quite. Happens again, and Angle grapevines. Abyss taps out finally.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Wow. I was happy with the finishes to all matches except for the two tag related ones. See what happens when I lock Russo up? Maybe I should keep him there.

Mitchell cuts a nice promo, while a hand reaches from beneath the ring, dragging him through the canvas as we go off air to chants of “Fire Russo.” Such a good show before that last bit.


Well, I was Neil Cathan, that was TNA: No Surrender., and you'll see me...soon.
 
Send feedback to Neil Cathan

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).